The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

4/1/06
Germany to invest in new fuel research
...for first time since burning Jews 60 years ago

Denmark launches campaign to improve image
...as most maps depict is as in the middle of nowhere

Alcohol-branded clothes boost teen drinking
...Funny shaped straws would probably do the same

New Wembley Stadium won't open until '07
...so just listen to booklegs until then, okay?

Augustus, Hatchell win women's hoops awards
...for biggest, gaudiest earrings since the late '70s

Post-Katrina dialogue on poverty fizzled
...after being doused with billions of gallons of water

Preachers' wives often struggle - experts
...and so do their secretaries, says Jessica Hahn

Minutemen reopen border control effort
...and resent subliminal message in this headline

Washington Monument safer and more friendly
...except to traumatized feminists with overactive imaginations

US company claims to make stem cells from testes
...Admirers concede it takes a lot of balls to try that


4/2/06
Poll: Most open to letting immigrants stay
...to clean our carpets, dishs, and wash our cars

Depression hits some preachers' wives
...just like their drunken spouses do

Miss America turning into reality TV show
...about plastic surgery and eating disorders

Republicans increasingly critical of Bush
...Bush approaching 'critical ass'

Schizophrenia drug gets vote of confidence
...from four out of five personalities

Nicotine patch, gum may undermine chemo
...which smoking put them into in the first place

New White House tactic: Let Bush Be Bush
...and comedians will have more material than they can handle


4/3/06
Iran calls test of new missile successful
...it was direct hit on their foot

Australia, China sign uranium agreement
...that has a half-life of only a couple years

"Ice Age" sequel heats up worldwide box office
...by being much sexier than 'Basic Instinct 2'

Readers flock to newspapers' online sites
...since it's closer than the version on their driveway


4/4/06
Gay marriage advocates battle in courts
...Someday gay divorce advocates will do the same

Obesity epidemic hits child safety seats
...since fat kids bring their own cushioning

DeLay to announce resignation from House
...House will proceed without further DeLay

Moussaoui lawyers now face fight for life
...to save a suicide bomber from lethal dose of irony

Many Iraqi soldiers wounded by own guns
...in a country known for shooting itself in the foot

California levees break, flooding trailer park
...'There goes the neighborhood,' say residents

Jesus could have walked on ice - study
...but Satan wins the hot coals event of competition

Fear of handset viruses deter companies: survey
...but a little alcohol wipe should get rid of them

Ginger, pepper treat difficult cancers
...Pepper spray applied to difficult people

Bahamas bans "Brokeback Mountain"
...for steering gay tourism away to the American West

Prosecutors outline Moussaoui damage
...Teachers decry wasteful use of so much chalk

Rap mogul 'Suge' Knight seeking bankruptcy
...so are many people who spend money they don't have

Bush waiting on staff recommendations
...because he can't read the menus himself

Iran says it can handle any invasion
...since it has plenty petroleum-based lubricant

Tax preparers make many mistakes - study
...like not voting themselves out of a job with Steve Forbes

Millions affected by chronic sleep problems
...alieviated only by boring new stories like this

Chronological oddity to strike clocks overnight
...and again a few minutes later when the snooze goes off

Plans for 'xxx' Internet domain put on hold
...'It only takes one hand to type that,' complain prudes


4/5/06
U.S. troops widen Iraq role as soldier-teacher
...to give body armor to public school teachers

Researchers say low-cal diet cuts aging
...but who wants to live (longer) like that?

Many obese don't see themselves that way
...Note: Many obese can be seen from outer space

Tony Blair's popularity takes another hit
...not that it's a big target anymore

Couric says she's leaving 'Today' for CBS
...NBC asks why such short notice?

Apple unveils software to permit Windows use
...in other words, it's the opposite of an anti-virus program

Jury: Merck liable for man's heart attack
...Jury responsible for shareholders' heart attacks

Enron's Skilling set to take witness stand
...like he needs to take something else

Huge alcohol cloud spotted by astronomers
...in the general direction of Keith Moon


4/6/06
Early Brando screen test unveiled
...from long before he required wide angle lenses

Police in Nepal detain scores of activists
...Activists demand their scores back

Pope says he became priest to confront Nazis
...whereas most are more into altar boys

Tax preparation training standards sought
...but tax laws standardization remains ellusive

Apple logo ruling unlikely before next week
...as it is still really green

More allegations against New Orleans cops
...than there even are cops left in the city

Giuliani tells Moussaoui jury about 9/11
...just in case none of them had cable

States cite shortage of child psychiatrists
...as the reason why tv stars grow up to be nuts

Australians evacuate town after flooding
...because they do things backwards down under

Newly discovered ring around Uranus is blue
...so, um, maybe you should talk to your doctor


4/7/06
Meteorites to be auctioned in New York
...Other falling stars to appear on Broadway

Bush, GOP approval ratings hit new lows
...Makes more sense minus 'approval ratings'

Immigration overhaul obstacle may be fatal
...Minutemen want obstacle placed on border

Time Inc. cuts 250 jobs in staff reduction
...thanks to Time saving tips from Martha Stewart

Viruses 'trained' to build tiny batteries
...that computer viruses will run down

Tame Playboy sparks excitement in Muslim Indonesia
...and just think what running water would do!

Wis. man survives four-story fall
...leaving him with one really great story

Calif. faces battle over gays in textbooks
...Conservatives want chapters removed featuring Greeks

'Casablanca' named greatest movie script
...on mistaken assumption it says 'Play it again, Sam'

US reviewing study of silicone breast implants
...It's called Baywatch, maybe you've heard of it?


4/8/06
Visual response restored in blind mice
...Hickory, Dickory, and Doc recoving nicely

Goats become a hot commodity in Georgia
...after sheep sell stories to local gossip columnist

TV networks rush to offer shows online
...It's easier than moving computers to the living room

Congress near blocking Nantucket wind farm
...as Congress tries to break wind, raises big stink

Violent video games linked to risky behaviors
...like only socializing with other gamers until you're 40

College Board, test company sued Over SAT
...Suit demands 1800 in restitution

Imams hunt for European Muslim identity
...but it is concealed behind burka masks

"Monster rabbit" targets vegetable patch
...for site of showdown with Godzilla


4/9/06
Tame Playboy sparks excitement in Muslim Indonesia
...on par with that for centerfold in 'Camels Quarterly'

Strong economy may create heart attacks
...until there's a recession in cholesterol

Bush role in intelligence leak questioned
...because that's the last thing he could leak

Israel exerts pressure on Hamas
...as part of physics experiment

Mel Brooks thinks it's time for Frankenstein to dance
...Frankie sings, 'Purtinnngh ernghhh drggg Rehrrrrrzzzzz!'

Mosques frequent target of violence in Iraq
...and frequent source of it as well

Charlize Theron honored at gay media awards
...for proving even she can't turn them straight


4/10/06
Bush calls Iran strike talk 'wild speculation'
...like what he used to justify his last two wars

Ex-CEO Skilling takes stand at Enron trial
...prompting an additional charge for embezzling stands

Managers monitor employees' computer use
...instead of doing any real work themselves

NASA to crash space probe into moon
...because they're too lazy to convert from metric

Lott lawyer: State Farm destroying documents
...and they don't have insurance to cover the destruction

Bush says he declassified intelligence
...but it remains classified is he has any himself

Time Warner Cable mulls TV ad auctions
...in effort to make eBay even more profitable than them

Actress Paltrow gives birth to son Moses
...by parting the [censored by order of God]

Bush dismisses reports Iran attack planned
...noting that most attacks aren't planned at all

Underwood, Currington among CMT winners
...most deserving of being skimmed from the gene pool

European spacecraft set to arrive at Venus
...'That's hot,' says noted astrophysicist Paris Hilton


4/11/06
Huge crowds march for immigration rights
...Critics point them in direction of the border

Naked mole-rat exhibit opens at Tenn. zoo
...before being closed by Southern Baptists

American students favor Iraq troop reduction
...so they can flunk without worries about the draft

US says cannot confirm Iran's enrichment claim
...without invading so that's what we'll do

New telescope scans the sky for alien life
...Border patrol does same on the ground

Iran insists enrichment goal is peaceful
...and they're willing to bomb anyone who says othwise

GM hopes to revitalize Saturn brand
...before competition runs rings around them

Immigration marches energize Hispanic power
...not siestas as many had previously thought

Stats about female violence may be deceiving
...much like the females they fail to describe

Meteorite gets $93K at New York auction
...which is better pay than most fallen stars


4/12/06
Iran to move toward large-scale enrichment
...Note: Large scale = megaton equivalents

3 in 10 don't graduate high school
...Well, that's like half of us, say dropouts

Toughest glue on Earth found in nature
...used by chimps to glue quarters to sidewalks

Report raises new questions on Bush, WMDs
...like which is more dangerous?

Iran vows to expand uranium enrichment
...until critical mass is reached

New stingray species discovered in Thailand
...over fried rice with peppers

Quarter of species could be gone by 2050
...if space tourism really takes off

Billionaire in gossip-column feud gives warning
...or so the rumor goes

Czech Communists shrug off Marx, look to future
...where world says, 'Cash or credit only, no Czechs'


4/13/06
Education Dept. checks teachers' rankings
...but teachers' checks still rank pretty low

Court: Ad breaks violate filmmakers' integrity
...but save viewers' bladder infections

Al-Qaida figure backs Iraqi insurgents
...GI Joe figure sells for good money on eBay

Pope urges confession during Holy Week
...since church needs blackmail to pay abuse suits

Troops in Chad put down rebel assault
....but like most other games by Lucasarts

Iran nuclear bomb years away - U.S. officials
...but ours is within striking range

Scientists release new images of Venus
...but fans prefer her sister Serena

German economy seeks World Cup boost
...Victoria's Secret offers boosts of most cups

Police: Kan. teen's kidnapping story a hoax
...after finding she was somewhere over the rainbow

Michael Jackson said near deal to avert bankruptcy
...by selling his body to science

Canadian inspectors testing for mad cow
...but like most Canadians, cattle seem level-headed


4/14/06
Easter Island statue finally heads home
...no pun intended?

Late filing becomes tax-season tradition
...like hanging mistletoe over your ass

Rumsfeld rejects calls to quit
...as part of continuing streak of mistakes

Study shows melting ice a danger to walruses
...not that they would chip a tooth on it

Texas halts arrests of drunks in bars
...as not giving them a sporting chance

Bush gives Rumsfeld strong show of support
...in effort to bring popularity to lowest on record

Common mistakes can add to tax bill
...like getting married, for example

Installation of Apple 'Boot Camp' a challenge
...as users must scale firewalls


4/15/06
Meat processors target clueless shoppers
...Wood chippers target clueless accomplices

Cruise ships to start docking in Brooklyn
...as evil scientologists invade New York

Tanning beds may be 'feel good' addiction
...or 'feel like leather' addiction

Danube rises to highest level in 100 years
...Turn down that damned waltz, say neighbors

U.S. automakers push more products
...instead of them being self-propelled

New Bush chief of staff inherits problems
...For the president, it worked just the opposite

Ex-Florida professor said to agree to deportation
...in order to escape unruly classes

Jordan's headwaters rich in religious history
...where flushed pages of the Koran ended up


4/16/06
Pope celebrates Easter, prays for peace
...of a chocolate rabbit

Males' thick manes attract female lions
...Related story: Fabio killed during visit to zoo

Robot birth simulator gaining popularity
...Soon everyone will be giving birth to robots

Suspect bear caught in Tenn., authorities say
...Tests pending to determine if bear isn't man in bear suit

Man planned to eat murder victim: police
...He said it was better than he expects of prison food

Rumsfeld under renewed attack
...much like Iraq after 'mission accomplished'

Danube threatens to burst its banks in the Balkans
...says failed children's-book-author-turned-reporter

Tax procrastinators can ask for more time
...in prison for failing to pay Uncle Sam

Top Ky. Derby contenders all love to lead
...Bottom contenders racing to glue factory


4/17/06
'Scary Movie 4' opens with $41 million
...which is what you will need to pay me to go see it

Prince Charles, Queen said closer than ever
...Apparently his ears have grown just that much

Boeing used ill-fitting parts in planes - report
...See the seats in coach, for example

States omit minorities' school scores
...when they're too low to be noticed

U.S. to reposition satellite over Amazon
...in merger of ecotourism and space tourism

Opus Dei asks "Da Vinci" film makers for respect
...as only they are allowed to abuse themselves

'Goth' youths more likely to self-harm - study
...but mostly they like to attack good fashion sense

Habits of huge meat-eating dinosaur revealed
...in tell-all book by former mistress

Brief filing delay affects TurboTax users
...who demand software change its name now

Suit alleging abuse by Jackson dismissed
...on grounds you know what you're in for with him

Contract dispute delays body-armor tests
...prompting parties to don armor for protection

Experts: Ethanol makers have room to grow
...mostly in their gut

Israel warns of new 'axis of terror'
...Mideast fears expansion of 'axis of rhetoric'


4/18/06
Gulf Coast hurricane victims still vulnerable
...FEMA suggests to zip up their tents

British pub sets up in-house tattoo parlor
...since customers couldn't walk far enough to make this mistake otherwise

Rumsfeld says he hasn't thought of resigning
...any more than he thought about planning the war

Flu health workers may not show up - study
...so they won't have to call in sick later

Oscars moving back to February in 2007
...but are still expected to last until early May

Chernobyl toll may top 90,000 - report
...'That's hot,' says noted nuclear physicist Paris Hilton

Record fuel prices won't slow motorists: experts
...who race to the pumps before the next spike

Michael Jackson plans new album in 2007: company
...to be released posthumously to his career

China using artificial rain to clear dust
...In the West this is known as a garden hose

Bush, after some changes, vows more coming
...reads trashiest, dirtiest headline of the week!


4/19/06
Melissa Etheridge, partner expecting twins
...Conservatives expected to have a cow

French police officers reach out to youths
...to pull them into paddy wagons

Some earthquake faults mellow with age
...unlike wives who never forget husbands' faults

Sex scandal costs Boston Catholic Church millions
...In hindsight, cable would have been cheaper alternative

Hu stands firm on Chinese currency
...Good question, say confused economists

Many flee as floods threaten Romania dykes
...Many civil libertarians drown in misguided protest

U.S. lawn mower injuries on the rise - study
...as competition for Darwin Awards grows fierce

Peru volcano ash sickens 1,000 people
...before studio asks for it to be re-edited

Astronaut Armstrong gets piece of moon rock
...but admits he's really never been a Pink Floyd fan

'Idol' gives established stars extra exposure
...by demanding they wear more revealing outfits

Baby girl for Holmes and Cruise
...will help pay tuition of many future therapists' kids


4/20/06
Pentagon releases list of Gitmo detainees
...but placed them on the 'do not call' registry

NYC doorman poised to walk off the job
...Residents fear prospect of touching handles

Heckler, protests disrupt Bush-Hu meeting
...with infamous 'Hu's on First Lady' routine

Congresswoman apologizes for profane letter
...she forced Hester Prynne to wear around her neck

Diet may help prevent Alzheimer's
...but who can remember what to eat?

Distraction behind most car crashes - study
...Distraction ticketed for following too closely

More Americans fleeing big cities - census
...Many say they're trying to avoid census takers

China says will never totally tame sandstorms
...and so plans to import domesticated sandstorms from Europe

Phony doctor gives free breast exams
...His warm hands gave him away

Americans commute longer, farther than ever
...on the info superhighway that meant we could all work from home, right?

Feds warn companies using illegal workers
...that Bush hasn't given them *that* break (yet)

Iraq spending bill shorts gear for U.S. troops
...U.S. troopers happy to get shorts in the desert

Attorney General describes online child porn
...with creepily revealing familiarity

Mass. gov. expands sex-abstinence programs
...by promoting marriage among gay community


4/21/06
Earthquake hits remote area of east Russia
...Translation: This is a slow news day

Emotional wiring different in men and women
...that makes her fail to recognize his hard drive

Pa. professor develops snake-like robots
...APA anticipates new category of phobics

CIA fires employee for alleged media leak
...Meanwhile, Bush keeps right on truckin'

Spellings to examine 'No Child' loophole
...commonly known as the 'Almost No Child' law

'Gospel of Judas' experts review fragments
...in exchange for 30 pieces of silver

Microsoft heads to college to pitch Windows Live
...so basically they're giving hackers first crack at it

FDA speaks out against marijuana legalization
...to a glazed over audience


4/22/06
New Orleans residents head to the polls
...then back to higher ground

France's ties with African leaders fading
...Maybe they should wash them in cold water

Russia warns against pressuring Iran
...Maybe we should cut the green wire instead?

Many immigrants at mercy of translators
...Many B-movies as well

Japan, S. Korea defuse standoff over waters
...though many believe only Jesus could do this

Former Sports Illustrated model arrested
...for really damned decent exposure

Kerry accuses Bush of stifling dissent
...before being gagged and shipped to Cuba

Some Panamanians in way of canal expansion
...Some New Orleanians in way of Gulf expansion

California stem cell agency still in limbo
...unless the pope declares they go to hell

Bush promotes hydrogen-powered cars on Earth Day
...and promotes hydrogen bombs the other 364 days

Nagin faces 21 challengers in New Orleans
...or three quarters of the remaining poulation

China president's U.S. visit carefully planned
...precisely the opposite of Bush's 'visit' to Iraq


4/23/06
Nagin, Landrieu in New Orleans runoff
...just like the flood waters a few months ago

Century-old Nazi propaganda still in use
...since there's no market to make new propaganda

New bin Laden tape urges fighters to Sudan
...as Osama tries turn as travel agent

Iran calls nuclear program 'irreversible'
...Actually, its half-life is ~10,000 years

Chernobyl villages being revived 20 years on
...to grow race of four-armed children with laser eyes

Paper calls for Dick Cheney's early retirement
...Paper authored by his doctor on behalf of his heart

Intelligence on Iran nuclear threat seen as inadequate
...reads thinly veiled reference to Bush

Kennedy urges Bush to push immigration bill
...since he's better suited to manual labor

Scientists find brain cells linked to choice
...failed to develop in the president


4/24/06
Lay says Enron's fall caused 'enduring pain'
...just not to his retirement package

Bush says massive deportation not realistic
...since they aren't enlisted in the Reserves

Wireless bionic arm would feel real
...enough to seduce robot sex partners

Details scant on ABC 'Lost' interactive game
...or in any explanation of that show

China slow to realize need for sex education
...idea dawns on them as they aproach second billion

Historic NYC public high school set to close
...after structure weakened by too many bullet holes

Car bombs sweep Baghdad
...but mayor is considering brooms instead

Bush: massive deportation of migrants won't work
...until fuel prices come down

Axe-wielding men abduct dad from wedding
...where his shotgun was apparently no match

Calcium pills help women, if they take them: study
...Unfortunately, their heads are harder than rest of bones

Gay fairy tale sparks civil rights debate
...and questions of redundancy

GOP worries gas prices could add to woes
...and 'whoa!'s

Panama's president to unveil canal plan
...reads partial palandrome


4/25/06
Iran ready to transfer nuclear know-how
...via an ICBM

Iran threatens to hide nuclear program
...in Iraq since we can't find any WMDs there

World Bank criticized over anti-malaria efforts
...since many had invested in malaria futures

Bush takes aim at gas prices
...by attacking Arab gas suppliers: Your local 7-11 clerks

New TiVo boxes let users record two shows at once
...so they'll have twice as much they won't have time to watch

Fox News host may be next Bush spokesman
...[Punchline to obvious to bother with]

Sales of existing homes advance in March
...Soldiers advance in march as well


4/26/06
Rumsfeld, Rice to meet Iraqi leaders
...if they get there before the insurgency does

U.S. panel scans religious freedom abroad
...Infrared cameras trained to spot heretic burnings

Mormon crickets invade to survive - study
...and to spread 'free literature' no one reads

Senate panel demands oil firms' tax records
...to see if they're being shorted on bribes

People names '100 most beautiful'
...Internet features unofficial 1,000,000 weirdest

Internet ID theft among fastest-growing crimes
...Admittedly, most internet IDs are fake anyway

Minutemen gaining in U.S. immigration debate
...They now have 60 seconds for their rebuttal

Big planets' gravitational dance made them tilt
...but there was undoubtedly some alcohol involved

Cape Cod debates first US offshore wind farm
...Few believe wind can be grown without soil

Study gauges how many gays plan to wed
...based on number of straight wedding planners

Songbirds may be able to learn grammar
...which proves they're smarter than most MySpace users


4/27/06
Actors could escape England's smoking ban
...by pretending they aren't inhaling

Nepal rebels declare 3-month cease-fire
...Technically, this is a 'pause-fire'

Senators propose $100 gas-rebate checks
...to cover cost of a fill-up for an SUV

Rice says U.N. must act over Iran nukes
...Note: Acting over nukes requires protective gear

Moussaoui juror sick, deliberations delayed
...Of course, Moussaoui makes most people sick

Ford launching concept car reality TV show
...Translation: A reality show about cars we'll never see in reality

Indonesian volcano could erupt any day
...that ends with a 'y'

U.S. hospitals offer child obesity programs
...that cater to future life-long customers

Hundreds of starfish found dead in B.C.
...That would make them fossils, wouldn't it?

U.S. firms fight 'ugly American' image abroad
...by posing plastic surgeons as travel agents

Bush: National anthem should be in English
...but apparently it's okay to campaign in Spanish

Vatican calls for 'Da Vinci Code' film boycott
...and asks faithful to buy indulgences from church instead

Bush rejects windfall tax on oil profits
...to the surprise of exactly no one

Hubble captures comet breakup
...and sells images to National Inquirer

U.S. obesity epidemic greatly underestimated
...by those oblivious to fellow shoppers at Wal-mart

High-profile review of lethal injection delayed
...by a stay from the governor

Lawmakers scramble to ease gas-price pain
...and related swelling


4/28/06
U.S. obesity epidemic greatly underestimated
...as civil engineers race to renforce sidewalks

China to release first panda into the wild
...where it will start an Asian panda flu epidemic

US drivers fume as gasoline soars, pumps run short
...Future cars to run on steam from angry drivers

New physics chip aims to shake up video games
...and is much smarter than the gamers using it

Making money on moon seen as key to NASA
...but green cheese market not lucritive enough


4/29/06
Mexico votes to decriminalize some drugs
...In the U.S., this remains a 'pipe dream'

Oil industry unapologetic for high profits
...Televangelists unapologetic for high prophets

Philippine volcano showers ash on villages
...requiring villagers to take another shower

U.S. deems al-Qaida video propaganda
...much like Fox News that reported on it

Taliban demand Indians leave Afghanistan
...in their new jobs as travel agents

Bush praises Iraqi leaders for resisting threats
...and for ignoring abysmal ratings

EU and US strike different tones on Iran
...both of which are flat, however

Effect of male pill could be reversed in months: study
...Nine months, to be specific

Storms batter Texas with wind and hail
...then deep-fry it in the sun


4/30/06
Bush lampoons self at press corps dinner
...and pretty much anytime he opens his mouth

Sadness and glee at Harvard writer's fall
...would make for a great non-plaigarized novel

USC Trojans drop in NFL draft surprise
...from the bottom of a wooden horse

Seattle-area garbage haulers may strike
...and concentrate on day jobs in grunge bands

Time magazine names 100 most influential
...except for those who used influence to get off the list

Woman says she has feeling in new face
...that tells her when people are staring at her

U.S. military spouses job program in jeopardy
...when critical number of them file for divorce

Taiwan confident of maintaining chip lead
...after shifting from silicon to potato


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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