The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

3/1/06
Afghan opium stymies U.S. efforts - report
...Note: Opium stymies pretty much everyone's motivation

Bush arrives in India seeking nuclear deal
...in hopes someone can put an extra 'u' in it

12-year-old sticks gum on $1.5M painting
...Museum curator sticks shoe up 12-year-old

Russia, Iran fail to break impasse
...but may use nukes to clear it

New Mexico gov. signs bills to fund spaceport
...based on success of single (crash)landing at Roswell 50 years ago

Oscars viewers to hear word "bitches" in song
...and from four losers in Best Actress category

Israelis ask Oscars to drop suicide bomb film
...but not until they've disarmed it, please!


3/2/06
Alba might sue Playboy over cover photo
...on grounds she isn't uncovered inside

More colorful U.S. $10 bills make their debut
...on 'Queer Eye for the U.S. Treasury'

Study: Hot tubs a breeding ground for bacteria
...and a good place to hang out if you're an all around fungi

Abbas: Al-Qaida has infiltrated Gaza Strip
...according to results of a Strip search

Stroke victims may regain weak arm use
...Research underway on other arm

Iraq parties rally for coalition after bloodshed
...Doctors rally for coagulation after bloodshed

Animal rights activists convicted in New Jersey
...Obviously they stood better chance with the insanity defense

World Bank urges fight on malnutrition
...but it's hard to do so on an empty stomach

Study confirms oral contraceptive-migraine link
...thus giving a new lease to the headache excuse

Jessica Alba demands Playboy pull issue
...but subscribers want to pull something else instead


3/3/06
'GM Gypsies' worry where jobs will take them
...especially since their transportation isn't reliable

Amateur codebreaker cracks 3 Nazi ciphers
...in misguided attempt to thwart 'Axis of Evil'

Bird flu very unlikely to pose food safety risk
...since birds will be too sick to want anything to eat

Bush embraces India as natural partner
...according to instructions in the Kama Sutra

US lawyers attack Israeli security agent "thugs"
...out of bravery or stupidity no one can say as yet

Music phones to slice into iPod growth
...Phones now thin enough to have literal cutting edge

Finns to test mobile phone radiation on human skin
...as alternative to tanning beds for sunless country

Former congressman gets eight-plus years
...with no possibility of term limits

Japanese students build 'sumobots'
...as fat-free alternative to the sport

U.S., Mexico set plan to battle border violence
...'Battling violence' obviously dreamed up by Minute Men


3/4/06
Iraq chief confident of continued U.S. aid
...by the same tactics employed by pseudo-suicidal high school sweethearts

Prehistoric milling site found in California
...Californias have been milling about ever since

Oscar officials promise little politics
...thereby assuring zero substance to the proceedings

Blair under fire for evoking God in war decision
...Presently recovering from being struck by lightning

Researchers work to save gooney birds
...but can't get funding without being laughed at

Conn. city hopes music will clean up park
...but environmentalists warn against heavy metal toxicity

Parents complain about book's undertones
...and that it robs kids of quality time with their Playstations

Online listings speed up real estate deals
...Virtual real(i)ty?

Director Ang Lee struggled at home in Taiwan
...to find convincing gay cowboys to film


3/5/06
Naming of roads, bridges annoys many
...Particularly when they're called 'One Way'

Alt-energy stocks shine amid high oil costs
...Solar panels should be placed around shiny stocks

1 man missing in W.Va. power plant fire
...Search shifts to upper atmosphere for traces

Cemetery prices jump after Parks buried
...Whites can't claim there goes the neighborhood

Glitz and glamour vie for attention at Oscars
...but all anyone really notices is the cleavage

Oscars bank on 'Brokeback' to grab viewers
...Viewers better watch their backs on the ranch

Cruise and Holmes named "most tiresome"
...Viewers exhausted from watching couch jumping antics

Over 200 Caribbean cruise ship passengers take ill
...when Gopher shoots an albatross

Study: Neighborhood crime deters exercise
...except among sprinters


3/6/06
Root-level Mac OS X hacked in 30 minutes
...All 12 remaining Mac users succeptible to attack

Watchdog optimistic about an Iran deal
...that will get him more bones

Study predicts rise in overweight children
...if you poke fun at them

NBC Universal to buy iVillage for $600M
...No word if iVillage Idiots are included in deal

Researchers identify extinction risk hotspots
...in the suburbs; it's called the middle class

Yanni arrested in alleged domestic dispute
...prompted when wife discovers his music

Prosthetic legs returned; police stumped
...Reporter's hands amputated for bad puns


3/7/06
Public Storage to buy Shurgard for $3 billion
...but they have no idea where they're going to keep it

Experts: Adopt dog after kids are school-age
...if you really miss cleaning up after small animals

Officer in taped shooting to face charge
...of 10,000 volts in the electric chair?

DeLay tries to fight off GOP challengers
...he ought to fall back on his experience with bribge

Global wind energy capacity seen tripling by 2014
...thanks to help from sequels to Katrina and other storms

Lone US tea farm infused with big dreams
...in variation on Cheech & Chong story

Russia backs away from Iran nuclear proposal
...very, very slowly

Rumsfeld accuses Iran of interfering in Iraq
...Iran accuses him of calling the kettle black

Two men plead guilty to taping Michael Jackson
...something no one has done since the mid-1980s


3/8/06
Bush to visit hurricane-damaged Gulf Coast
...to deliver heapings of insult to the injured

Bird flu could hit Americas within year - U.N.
...but we'll have more sick leave saved up by then

102 Irish priests suspected of abuse
...of more than alcohol this time

Hollywood's smokers worry experts
...who fear they could ignite the celluloid

Drug may help curb pathological gambling
...by putting patient in a coma

Teen abortions reduced by Texas notification law
...Instead expect rise in welfare payments for single females with dependents

Gene regulation separates humans from chimps -study
...ALCU wants gene regulation challenged in courts


3/9/06
Germans find bird flu in weasel-like mammal
...when Gilbert Gottfried calls in sick to stand-up gig

U.S. to leave Abu Ghraib within three months
...if we make parole

Cassini finds signs of water on Saturn's moon
...Bad dog.  Don't go there!

Rat-squirrel believed extinct is found alive
...but the woodchuck he informed on vows revenge

Dead man spends days unnoticed on highway
...unlike many drivers who drive like they want to die

U.S. to hand over notorious prison to Iraq
...after virtually monopolizing notoriety for years

Feds order U.S. banks to sever Syria ties
...for casual Fridays

Study offers new view on Easter Island's end
...Basically, they think it looks good in tight jeans

Rumsfeld: Iraqis would deal with civil war
...that's how civil wars work, by definition


3/10/06
Dallas institutes new laws on homeless
...and will evict them if they aren't followed

Bush's approval rating falls to new low
...following new lows by Bush

U.S. may reduce its defense of Iceland
...[Punchline currently stationed in Iraq]

'American Idol' down to final 12 contestants
...on way to finding person I care about least on Earth

Hospital ends McDonald's voucher program
...but McDonalds continues to promote heart disease

Giant U.S. trade gap provokes concern
...that it is going to need stitches or it will scar

TV drama about polygamy causes stir in Utah
...where viewers think show should have been a comedy

Drinking may have fueled Ala. church fires
...as blazes were started with alcohol

CRP may help predict lung cancer risk in smokers
...Specifically, when CPR doesn't work, then it's too late to get cancer

High school player sinks 80-foot shot
...as school shooting becomes intramural event

Osama bin Laden's niece to star in reality TV show
...Critics cautious to predict it will be a bomb

Brazil leading effort to boost ethanol use
...It's called Carnival, maybe you've heard it?


3/11/06
DUI defense lawyers challenge breath test
...through slurred opening arguments

Iran threatens to use oil in nuke standoff
...in misguided attempt to put the fire with gasoline

Box office saw worldwide slumps in 2005
...but with implants, things should return to original levels

Bolivia's Morales, Rice discuss coca policy
...Confused Bush says he likes his hot with marshmallows

Sorbonne left ransacked after French protests
...Ironically, the Bastille remains intact

Democrats agree to hold earlier primaries
...Republicans deny humans came from early primates

States steadily limit access to information
...but that won't affect politicians who don't use any

Nepal's mystery 'Buddha' boy goes missing
...but that's just one of his superpowers

New Jersey tour showcases 'Sopranos' sites
...For added fun, bring a shovel

Some Republicans wary of Bush ties before election
...and think Laura could do a better job accessorizing him

NASA probe "dodges bullet" to achieve Mars orbit
...Scientists unsure why Martians placed bullets around planet

Java running neck-and-neck with soft drinks in US
...since both are hopped on caffeine

The end is near for Tony Soprano and company
...as the Sopranos are about to get whacked by HBO

Johnny Rotten to Rock Hall of Fame: 'Kiss this!'
...[No comment.  Johnny Rotten still rocks!]

SAT errors highlight test's imperfections
...One would think errors indicate students' mistakes

Cheerleaders dispirited by limit on stunts
...Others dispirited by lack of mobility below C4 vertebra


3/12/06
Indie labels increasing in gospel realm
...singing hymns for departed rap producers

Indoor tanning salons aim to boost profile
...by making see-through tanning beds for shop windows

Wall Street remains stuck in two-week rut
...that notoriously slow city workers still haven't filled

Largest-ever Alzheimer's drug trial begins
...Researchers forgot when to stop signing up participants

Bush pokes fun at Cheney at press dinner
...Not a good idea for a slow-moving target

Republicans look to a future without Bush
...in hopes he left them with one, anyway

Arab world lags behind in digital revolution
...since they still cut off digits at the wrist


3/13/06
China offers Bangladesh flood-forecast data
...Report: You're in Bangladesh, expect floods

Space tourism could soon be more affordable
...to multimillionaires with a death wish

Offbeat cooking show mixes food with fun
...Note: Some pornos do the same

Texas fires burn half a million acres
...to make up for lower-than avg CO2 output this year

More ancient goddess statues found in Egypt
...than anywhere but profile backgrounds on MySpace

Milosevic funeral has potential for mayhem
...promise promoters hoping Metallica will play halftime show

Southwest Airlines raises fares to offset costs
...and altitude to offset turbulence

Woman gets beer from her kitchen faucet
...in first miracle toward canonization

Tunnels used in ancient revolt found in Israel
...and may be rennovated for renewed use

Bush: Iraq insurgency wants civil war
...Rednecks here won't admit ours is over

U.S. spending billions to stop Iraq IEDs
...from next generation by installing IUDs in Iraqi women

Marijuana again tied to memory problems
...They forgot about it the first time, so they had to do it again

Phone support could help more smokers quit
...after automated menus push them to start in first place


3/14/06
1985 test predicted levee break - engineers
...Too bad they only had two decades in which to act

Egypt's Sphinx to get restoration work
...to get a nose that doesn't look like Michael Jackson's

Man busted in California with billion-dollar bills
...but gets away after eliminating the deficit with a single bribe

Northern ozone pollution spurs Arctic warming: NASA
...Ozone to be shipped to South Pole in giant comb-over operation

Howard Stern assails CBS chief on his own network
...thereby bringing him the ratings Stern didn't want him to have

Nissan Develops Gas Pedal Safety Feature
...A nail sticking out that plunges into your shoe if you floor it

Male drivers waste six million hours a year
...yielding to cute girls in busy traffic

House leaders back ethics rules
...Correction: House leaders back (away from) ethics rules

Sony Set to Outline PlayStation Strategy
...Shoot the cyborg demons and rescue the princess

Iowa Officials Concerned About Mumps Cases
...ruining reputation as a flat state

Movie theaters may ask to jam cell phones
...down talkative patrons' goddamned throats


3/15/06
Study: Genes may cause risk for anorexia
...if they think they're too snug

Gitmo transcripts paint shadowy portraits
...so it's probably better to use a fine-tip brush instead

Bush spokesman defends White House staff
...UN Peacekeepers may be called in to help as well

Fed: Economy carries momentum into spring
...with 47 joules of potential energy where KE=1/2mv^2

Paleontologists ponder feather evolution
...Intelligent design proponents deny existence of feathers

Hitachi develops security robot on wheels
...so thieves can cart it away more easily

Wildfires Push Deeper Into Texas Panhandle
...They should have put the lid on the pan before it spread

Saban: Culpepper thrilled to be a Dolphin
...Others not so pleased with their reincarnations


3/16/06
Firm failed to protect U.S. troops' water
...'Oh, you weren't done with that?' say reps

Israelis capture wanted men in another raid
...though many unwanted men remain at large

Survey: Republicans happier than Democrats
...Happiest of all: Whoever got funding for this

High school student recites 8,784 digits of Pi
...but forgets own locker combination

Jessica Simpson snubs President Bush
...This wasn't a MENSA convention, obviously

White House may lift gray wolf protections
...after wolves implicated in terrorist activities

House approves $91.9 bln for wars, Gulf Coast
...as 'Gulf war' spreads hydra-like to Mississippi

Journey brings Cuban rafter back to Guantanamo
...Who knew that's what Steve Perry and co. were up to?

Bolton: U.N. will send Iran strong signal
...that can be read with a Geiger counter

New mannequins help create perfect fit
...but inflatable dolls provide something to fit into


3/17/06
U.S. wants fewer troops in line of fire in Iraq
...Ideally, 'fewer' = zero

Man convicted of stalking news personality
...but given reduced sentence for better taste

Clergy urge Washington to end Katrina aid delays
...sometime before the next hurricane season starts

Tomatoes, carrots, greens may lower asthma risk
...since bland food rarely induce heavy breathing

Jackson lays off staff, closes Neverland - for now
...since he can recruit kids more easily on the internet

Moussaoui trial set to move forward
...unlike Islamic fundamentalism

Experts debate violence among early humans
...in effort to curb pattern before it leads to barbarism

ACLU, L.A. agree on Skid Row cleanup plan
...that involves a haircut for Dave "the Snake" Sabo

Bush urges Iraqis form government quickly
...and catch up on centuries of cultural evolution in a few months

Hamas completes formation of Palestinian cabinet
...with just a bit of wood glue to hold it all together

Alaska volcano's Web site becomes Internet hot spot
...due to keywords like 'hot,' 'gushing', and 'flow'


3/18/06
Iraqi honeymoon long over, three years after war
...but soldiers are still getting screwed daily

Effects of Iraq war vary dramatically in USA
...with hospitals at one end and morgues at the other

Evidence of universe's first instant
...found in echo of giant snooze button being pushed

Thirst led to sex crime suspect's capture
...Breast fetish led to bait for 'booby' trap

Aging Japan builds robot to look after elderly
..which eventually revolts and euthanizes humanity

Mad cow in Ala. underlines tracking need
...Who knew mad cows could use a red pen?

Louisiana faces an exodus from the coast
...actually, in 'Exodus' the waters parted for people

Bush advance staff impersonated reporters
...to encourage the president to read the paper

Massachusetts seeks Big Dig refund
...Apparently this is a euphemism for the IRS

California town now 'smoke-free'
...after all flamable paper replaced with digital media

Disabled Vet Runs for Congress in Illinois
...Okay, maybe 'runs' is overstating things

Libby trial may be embarrassment for Bush
...if such a thing was indeed possible

FEMA will try to recoup misdirected storm aid: report
...with pumping stations and rebuilt levees to contain the cash

Senate OKs raising federal debt limit to about $9 trillion
...This is like letting an alcoholic decide when is 'when'

Scattered New Orleans election raises concerns
...Scatter-brained New Orleans elected officials should raise more

Amount of unpaid federal fines up sharply
...and Library of Congress librarians are very upset

Food companies a target in obesity fight
...Alternatively, obese a target in companies' food fight

GM loss hits credibility of management
...but they survived thanks to (hot) air bags

Worker was on hot spot when volcano blew
...President Clinton [...Oh, you figure it out]

Sacred sites key to protecting species: UN
...except the ones that perform animal sacrifices

Astronomers detect new signs of baby universe's expansion
...such as the fact that the diapers don't fit anymore

Kennedy Space Center accidents prompt safety lecture
...which gives a new meaning to being 'grounded'

Town auctioned on eBay up for sale again
...after being damaged in shipping by previous seller

Hackers get Windows XP on Apple computers
...in worst case of virus hitting Macs to date

Jackson's California Playland Goes Dark
...while its owner continues to do just the opposite

Rice finishing 10-day, 31,263-mile trip
...beating Tim Leary's record by 2 hours and 31,262.75 miles


3/19/06
Georgia college pushes for iPod ingenuity
...but he's going to have to redo a lot of playlists first

Race to blast tourists into space is on
...It's open season on tourists?

Cheney dismisses suggestions of shake-up
...saying he's more likely to just shoot 'em

Unsafe imports slip through regulatory net
...since they're covered with dangerous oil slick

Man who attacked Rosa Parks offers apology
...but won't switch seats with her

'Da Vinci Code' copyright case winds up
...being even more boring than the book

US objectives in Iraq prove elusive
...since they're hiding in Saddam's spider hole

Naked Venezuelans surround Bolivar's statue
...Many wish they had just used a fig leaf on it instead

Over a third of adults are lonely - study
...based on the number who didn't hang up on pollsters


3/20/06
Civil war fears grip Iraq at three-year mark
...and ask it to turn head and cough

Israel opens Gaza crossing to ease shortages
...of explosives

Donald Trump, wife welcome baby boy
...as another tax write-off come April

More pop singers turning to rap producers
...when there's a full moon in a cloudless sky

Bush cites 'confidence' in Iraq strategy
...as in inversely proportional to pre-war intelligence

Mother Teresa statue creates friction
...but it is scheduled to be polished and oiled

Bird flu likely to reach U.S. this year - gov't
...if travel agent can get good deal on airfare

Bush urges U.S. to see progress in Iraq
...but everyone sees the emperor getting a sunburn

Tupac Shakur immortalized at wax museum
...Bet you can't name one of his tracks on wax

Bush: US will not abandon Iraq
...the way it did post-Katrina New Orleans

Ancient sarcophagus unearthed in Cyprus
...reads cursed reporter's final words


3/21/06
Ethanol industry braces for growing pains
...and a headache the next morning

Soaps, talk shows may dull aging brains
...or any brain for that (gray) matter

Shot-out TV part of Elvis exhibit in Tenn.
...Many fans claim the tv really isn't dead

N. Korea suggests it can strike U.S. first
...if it wanted to give us a really great excuse

Fox renews 'The Simpsons' through 2008
...but critics say the characters are two-dimensional

Comedy Central's Colbert to write book
...but Republicans won't read it or any other

Cat survives 80-foot fall from tree
...thus avoiding designation as a 'good cat'


3/22/06
Fire breaks out at Japanese nuclear plant
...Officials unsure why fire was incarcerated there

Hip-hop star brings help, hope to Haiti
...after getting it through customs wrapped in hemp

Brooklyn Bridge houses '50s survival stash
...for those conned into buying a piece of the bridge

Suspicious package found near White House
...Suspicious president gets even closer

Senators seek easier voting for U.S. military
...by eliminating all but the incumbents from ballots

Bush troubled by Afghan convert's case
...and shoes with laces instead of velcro straps

Cyclone ruins Australia banana farmers
...but makes for a great set-up to a joke

Forum says governments must improve water
...Bush promises to release H9O4 by 2008

Microsoft delay may hurt retailers' holiday sales
...Gates may only be able to afford a small country this xmas

Older women most successful at quitting smoking
...since they have so little sex to light up after

Americans, Mexicans oppose border fence
...Many would prefer randomly placed spiked pits

FDA advisers reject strongest ADHD warnings
...since users are least likely to pay attention to them anyway

Launch of high-definition DVD players delayed
...by those goddamned annoying menus and FBI warnings


3/25/06
Russia denies giving intelligence to Iraq
...and points to absense of intelligence as proof

Bush uses radio to push guest worker plan
...especially popular on stations with lots of accordians

Darryl Hannah joins search for Rwanda gorillas
...after tracking down The Bride with help from Tarantino

New rocket fails on its maiden launch
...Many rockets launch too early around maidens

Bush tries to sway GOP on immigration
...saying they can have legal maids


3/26/06
FEMA trailers provide cramped, crude shelter
...though comparatively better than driftwood

Pope, new cardinals, remember John Paul II
...so apparently their Alzheimers isn't too advanced

Mouse testicle cells behave like stem cells
...Computer users buy stock in mouse balls

Afghan court drops case against Christian
...instead of dropping stones on him as planned

U.S. Navy ship collides with tanker in Gulf
...as metaphors are broughts to life

Rice accepts DJ's apology for racial slur
...as her prize for being caller number 5

Schiavo's husband, family battle in books
...much like Sir Gwain and the Green Knight

Seattle murders shock 'rave' community
...and so would any departure from monotonous music

Scientists make pigs with heart-healthy fats
...Americans make unhealthy pigs of themselves

Legal fees rack up for Delta, Northwest
...as lawyers collect Frequent Liar Miles


3/27/06
La. gov. urges more school spending, training
...such as for swimming lessons and floatation devices

Lay lawyers try to undermine ex-Enron exec
...the way they did with the rest of the company

Johansson tops FHM's 'Sexiest Women' poll
...Johansson topless would go on top of my pole

US gets low marks in 'battle of ideas': Rumsfeld
...Bush suspects rest of world is stockpiling them

FEMA to prep Gulf Coast for hurricane season
...Not that there's anyone left to rescue this time

Elvis' Graceland becomes national landmark
...or a national embarassment if you're a Beatles fan

Barry Bonds: 'I'm just trying to stay sane'
...Dennis Rodman still trying to evade sanity

Drinkers, smokers need colon tests earlier: study
...and you're going to need a couple drinks first


3/28/06
College student spends 41 hours in Wal-Mart
...in the express lane behind someone with coupons

Ex-Liberian President Taylor disappears
...in first performance in new career as magician

Christian convert vanishes after release
...Muslims declare it a miracle

U.S. consumer confidence highest since 2002
...when consumers were consuming too much caffeine

Sleep-deprived teens pose safety hazard
...but nowhere near that of the well-rested ones

Little League Baseball moves back fences
...and the panes of some neighbors' windows

Fidgeting in classroom may help students
...annoy their teachers

Dakota Sioux language saved by Scrabble
...reads strangest combination of letters ever

Surgeons remove two fetuses from infant
...Bush wants to know if it obtained parental consent first

"Da Vinci Code" fuels US religious publishing boom
...instead of the usual book burning of past centuries

Brokeback Mountain is tops at gay media awards
...which leaves many wondering who's the 'bottom'?

Moussaoui wanted to testify against himself
...and people are surprised by this about a suicide bomber?

World prepares for total solar eclipse
...by shipping tanning beds to afflicted regions

Officials: Massachusetts water may be tainted
...say fundamentalists who can't explain gay marriage

Study: Cruise ships distress harbor seals
...Cruise movies distress extraterrestrials

NFL still looking closely at Los Angeles
...but can't see though the smog

Olmert claims victory in Israeli election
...Historians say there has never been any such thing


3/29/06
New Orleans health care still in shambles
...same as it was long before hurricane Katrina

Organ recipients treated like family members
...whereas some hate other family members' guts

Danica Patrick defends decision not to race
...by saying she's not a racist

Iranís hard-line regime cracks down on blogs
...under the mistaken impression people read them

Court TV develops show with John Waters
...to follow prosecutions by the fashion police

Bush blames Saddam for Iraq instability
...since Saddam's approval ratings are higher than his

Stage set for NCAA women's Final Four
...Actually, it's played on a court, not a stage

Hamas formally takes over government
...That's 'formally,' not formerly.  Sorry.

Seniors warned to be vigilant about scams
...by juniors pranking the sophomores

CNN correspondent goes to Al-Jazeera
...as an ideological stepping stone to Fox News

Democrats unveil security agenda
...Republican agenda based on insecurities

Solar eclipse inspires awe across globe
...such as 'Whoa, my retina feels so weird!'

Plans for US-Mexico border fence draw fire
...so they're being drawn up on asbestos instead

Abdul signs new 'American Idol' contract
...further bolstering athiests' claims

Bush to Iraqis: Time to get a government
...and I'll show you exactly how to steal one

Missouri city may drive on left to ease traffic
...and may vote on left to ease fascism

France to let vintners use wood shavings
...Hampsters march for indoor plumbing

First dinosaur traces found in South Pacific
...proving conclusively that big musicals are dead


3/30/06
Baseball to launch steroid investigation
...at close to 90 MPH toward home plate

Court: Gays can't come to Mass. to marry
...but they're free to have their honeymoon here

Work-related travel helps spread the flu
...so you should take sick leave when your boss sends you abroad

Spears' former bodyguards sue for overtime
...since the body they guard has grown quite a bit

Prostitutes retrain as nurses, tele-marketers
...Hmmmm [No comment]

Army relaxes tattoo rules to attract recruits
...and gay men with tattoo fetishes

Hamas already facing a financial crisis
...since the Jews control all the money, of course

Report questions benefits of moderate drinking
...when you're more satisfied with who you bring home drunk

Coaches hope NCAA will expand tourney field
...so streakers will get tired from running across it


3/31/06
Impaired thinking may boost elderly falling risk
...Gravity has been implicated in mulple studies as well

Ethanol shortage could increase gas prices
...but supplies should increase with Mardi Gras over

Unauthorized video game sales to kids dips
...Unauthorized Skoal sales to kids results in dips as well

Mexico won't use police to stop migrants
...because they're too busy collecting bribes

John Dean blasts warrantless eavesdropping
...blowing out several earpieces in the process

Whirlpool completes acquisition of Maytag
...beating out rival Scylla as Maytag veered too close

Immigration debate awakens Latino youth
...who are always taking a siesta on the job

Not very high times at the Playboy Mansion
...when Hugh forgets to refill his Viagra prescription

Illegal immigrants put U.S. cities in a bind
...when border patrol fails to bind illegals

Dermotology group warns of 'bogus Botox'
...while terrorist group threatens with 'awesome Anthrax'


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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