The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

Americans adopt Japan's heated toilet seats
...after they were orphaned in a suspicious house fire

Bush confident despite mounting challenges
...against him in the Special Olympics

Police remove Sheehan from Bush speech he'll have to find another word to rhyme with Iran

Paper money may soon be thing of the past
...the way some people burn through it

Bush urges confidence in his leadership
...but polls indicate people listen to actions, not words

Police apologize to Sheehan, drop charge
...which promptly explodes, killing her

Security extra tight for Super Bowl
...Ideally, so are cheerleader outfits

Women sue Wal-Mart over contraception
...on grounds their employees shouldn't breed

Possible new planet is larger than Pluto-research
...'That's Goofy,' say armchair scientists

Lawyer says Boy George will fight NY drug charges
...or do anything else to get his name in the paper one more time

Bush says don't expect oil price breaks
...since this isn't an election year

Civil rights activists worry about focus group portrait taken by amateur photographer

Schwarzenegger campaign funds nearly gone
...and few interested in backing this sequel

W.Va. Gov. seeks halt in coal production
...Decaying dinosaurs must find other work

Early patch use helps smokers quit - report
...For best results, apply it directly over mouth

GOP nervous about DeLay successors
...After all, Delay wasn't much of a success

Muslims again protest Muhammad caricatures continue efforts at parodying themselves

U.S. gets 'D+' grade on ocean policies grade inflation plagues environmental agencies

File-destroying worm causes little damage
...just a lot of cleaning you should have done anyway

Americans forced to supply Iraqi military
...Mission 3 years ago: deplete Iraqi military

Western, Muslim values clash over cartoons
...and just wait until Japanese anime enters the fray

Inflation puts squeeze on U.S. pocketbooks maybe we should lose weight or buy bigger pants

Venezuelan diplomat ordered out of U.S. order to drive up domestic export rates

Ice may have been behind Ebersol plane crash
...but it melted when placed in front of flaming wreckage

NASA inspector general probed - report
...Signals beamed back from probe intercepted by SETI

GM to build two hybrid SUVs in Texas be purchased by both liberals in the state

Study: Treatment may aid asthma sufferers
...otherwise it wouldn't be treatment, by definition

Pigeons fitted with gadgets for pollution project
...are found to be just as repulsive as regular pigeons

Nutritionist campaigning against junk food
...faints when hypoglycemia kicks in

Bush seeks emergency funds for wars, hurricanes
...and other acts of his god

Some candidates in Haiti have dark pasts
...[Insert obvious racial humor here]

JetBlue, a former high flyer, loses altitude
...but you can bet the CEO has a golden parachute

Fashion Week opens with buttoned-up looks response to probable censorship from Bush regime

U.S. jobless rate hits lowest level since 2001
...since the army is now desperate to take anybody

'Ice man' may have been childless outcast
...which doesn't explain the rivalry with Maverick

Pentagon eyes new long-range "strike" weapon
...Unions hope strikes can be averted by getting raises

Vampire musical "Lestat" to get fresh blood
...after cast mysteriously develops hepatitis

Gisele Bundchen tops list of best-paid models
...and yet she still skips lunch all the time

Roller derby sees sassy revival in U.S.
...for as long as players stay out of hospital

Robert Blake files for bankruptcy
...Says he can't afford hitmen anymore

Syrians torch embassies over cartoons
...Note that cartoons are much more flamable than embassies

Number of bankrupt British families hits record
...after Queen orders all to get their teeth cleaned

Japan, N.Korea to tackle kidnapping dispute
...Dispute to be tackled, bound and placed in trunk

Army teaches troops how to pick a spouse from 100 yards away

Nearly 2,000 inmates riot in California jail
...but police say they already have them locked up

Violence spreads over Muhammad caricatures
...making them pretty hard to read

Courtney Love says drug problem behind her
...since she's taken to using heroine suppositories

UAW works to strengthen manufacturing base bolting it to the floor

Journal article a wild card in Vioxx trial first case of science writing being labeled 'wild'

Stroke survivors in danger of another attack
...because they can't run away from attacker

Suspected criminals star in billboard ads
...when rappers get multi-product contract

US paper defends printing Mohammad cartoon
...but regrets not printing it on asbestos

Super Bowl advertiser targets girls
...according to the sex offender registry

Bush's $2.7 trillion budget favors defense
...Not that he can defend asking for that much

Mariah Carey has visions of love from the Grammys
...Viewers have visions of freakishly large breasts

BMW cut from Google results for cheating race down information superhighway

Bush to reduce deficit with domestic cuts
...that will likely require stitches to prevent scarring

Gonzales to answer eavesdropping questions
...but he'll whisper so he isn't overheard

Bush ups military budget as troop levels drop
...Fuzzy math could use a trim from Occam's razor

Drug combination prevents HIV infection in monkeys
...which explains why hard-living simians are still HIV negative

Rolling Stones agreed to Super Bowl censorship return for uncensored cheerleaders

Southern food causes nutritionists discomfort
...Oh, I'm a nutritionist.  That explains everything

Bush budget to cut deeper into education
...than even his ideology has so far

Asbestos bill sets off partisan attacks
...that results in heat but no fire

Bush budget plan a headache for Congress
...Bush speeches a constant headache for English teachers

Moms' antidepressants hit third of newborns
...when she throws them at the screaming little bastards

GM cuts dividend in half, trims exec pay order to get better mileage on Wall St.

Scientists turn fish sperm cells into eggs
...out of desperation what to add to California rolls

'Killer bees' now found in Florida
...where they've been in hiding from media

Haitians begin vote in key election which house keys run against car keys

Johansson, Knightley bare all for magazine
...and for big money, no doubt

McDonald's rolls out nutritional packaging place of the previous inedible paper wrappers

Saddam sculpture banned by Belgian mayor
...and promptly hidden in a spider hole with a pistol

Telescope aims to unlock universe
...which was rekeyed following eviction of previous tenant

Actor John Corbett releases country album
...Procologists are stunned at how few stitches are required

Archaeologists find headless sphinx in Italy
...But where Egyptian feature went, no one nose

Chirac slams media over Muhammad cartoons
...that replaced his favorites like Lil' Abner

Nine Ala. church fires raise more questions
...and raze more churches

Scientists discover early version of T. Rex
...who was contemporary of Dick Clark

Evangelicals urge action on global warming
...and other intelligent designs of the universe

Sly Stone could steal show at Grammys
...say racial profilers in the media

Wal-Mart to open about 1,500 new stores
...and close thousands of independent businesses in same areas

Adults scoff at kids' homework gripes - poll
...Many claim to have walked uphill both to and from school

UN council reply on Iran steers clear of substance
...since it might have a drug test for substance later

Accused of censoring scientists, NASA vows reform sending dissidents to the moon

Police: All tests for nerve agent negative
...Obviously, it's a secret agent then

Afghanistan welcomes debt cancellations
...but continues to contribute to ours

Ala. governor says church fires appear linked really long trail of lighter fluid

Cartoon protesters direct anger at U.S.
...which results in much laughter on our end

U2 takes home five Grammys
...but vows to fight worldwide Grammy debt

Bush, Rice told to 'shut up' over cartoon issue
...They aren't allowed to watch them until they finish their homework

Steve Fossett's experimental plane loses fuel
...but he should be able to spot it from the air

Delta pilots plan to strike if contract rejected maybe those metal cockpit doors weren't a great idea

Students disciplined after blogs report drinking
...Yeah, that'll teach them to write anything

US naval ships off Yemen to intercept escapees
...through hole in side of USS Cole

Violence jumps on US-Mexican border
...and lands right sqaure on some barbed wire

U2 dominate Grammys, Mariah overshadowed
...[Insert punchline more obvious than her cleavage]

Rates on 30-year mortgages up for third week
...with only 1,557 more to go

Study investigates the mystery of hit songs
...Where did they all go and who listens to this new stuff now?

Bush: U.S. surveillance helped stop attack
...Bush presently under attack for unveiled surveillance

U.S. proposes drilling off Va., Fla. coasts
...and replacing them with perpetually drifting California coast

'Megachurches' alter U.S. religious landscape
...Discount theology puts many small churches out of business

FDA warns of contaminated teething rings
...once used by Britany Spears

Speedskater Witty to carry U.S. flag at Turin
...but dropped it on the ice and now there's nothing to skate on

U.S. government moves to protect polar bears
...NAACP sues for equal protection for black bears

NATO seeks closer ties with Mideast
...preferably tight enough to cut off circulation

Jury: Angels can keep 'Los Angeles' in name
...but they're finally cutting Christ from Christmas

Chinese expats paid to fight Web censorship posing on Asian fetish sites

U.S. concludes 'Cyber Storm' mock attacks
...when on-going real ones take down the internet

Olympic hockey goalie triumphs over epilepsy going rigid on the ice

Americans say president shouldn't suspend rights
...he actually expelled them to another country

Cartoon anger unabated
...Apparently their faces froze like that

Pope says science no threat to faith long as you burn all the textbooks

Kangaroo has lip surgery after bite
...but career in children's television effectively ruined

Three more lawmakers tied to Abramoff order to keep his body submerged

Brown: I warned White House as Katrina hit
...Note: This is a weather report, not a warning

New Orleans prepares for uncertain Mardi Gras
...same as every other year it's been held

Study: New machines await 4 in 5 voters
...when robots are elected by landslide margin

Photo of child famine victim wins top award
...for filling modelling void in wake of Kate Moss scandal

Iran: U.S., Europe should pay for drawings
...even though we aren't the ones burning them

Governor wants to ease Calif. prison crowding 'terminating' everyone on death row

Pilot arrested, suspected of being drunk
...after clearing stewardess to take off (her top)

French director Gondry returns to subconscious retreat from a reality populated by critics

L.A. mayor, chief disagree on terror plot
...Only one thinks it should be left unmarked

Report names worst cities for traffic in U.S.
...Report largely written out of frustration while waiting in traffic

Pakistani girls get new chances after quake
...teaches them to shake their moneymakers

Valentine's Day can be painful to some
...who are struck by Cupid's arrow

Cartoon protests aren't unique to Islam
...Yeah, remember when those Baptists boycotted Disney?

Mardi Gras parades help New Orleans heal
...Well, it's an excuse to get completely numb at least

Rice: violent protests could 'spin out of control'
...At what point is violence not 'out of control' by definition

Overweight women risk problem pregnancies
...after being asked for year when the baby is due

Another church fire in Alabama ruled arson
...Authorities stunned to learn Alabamans finally discovered fire

Bugs could be key to kicking oil addiction famous rabbit reveals hidden engineering talents

Cheney accidentally shoots, injures hunter
...[All the good punchlines were already on the Daily Show]

Motion filed to stop Katrina hotel evictions
...Actually, motion is what residents are trying to avoid

Mardi Gras stirs pride, nonchalance in New Orleans these are the most common effects of alcohol

Japanese women treat themselves on Valentine's Day
...and in some really terrific vidoes online!

"Pink Panther" pounces to top of film box office
...How exactly remains a mystery Clouseau couldn't solve

Scientists discover new assassin spiders
...lurking in the rafters at potential GOP convention sites

Iran resumes atom enrichment - diplomats
...but cultiural enrichment is still centuries behind

Hunter shot by Cheney in stable condition
...unlike the VP's hands

Northeast digs out from record snowstorm
...but doesn't need to see shadow to know it's still winter

Saddam is forced to attend trial
...which is pretty much true of most defendants

Some panhandlers' hard-luck tales are true you should run a background check before giving a dime

Schools hope snowshoes get kids moving
...when they are beaten with them

Commercial space flights possible in 2008
...but the moon won't be open for business until 2011

White House strongly defends Katrina role
...and couldn't imagine casting someone else in her place

Epilepsy jokes on TV, in movies stir anger
...leading to foaming at the mouth and fits

Nokia and rivals unveil new phones at trade show having them go off during the keynote address

'Star Wars' uncle Phil Brown dies at 89
...Mark Hammil reportedly to leave the farm for the Rebellion

Investigators have profile in church arson arsonist's profile was scortched into nearby wall

Hunter shot by Cheney has heart attack
...Everything about this is the complete opposite of Valentines

Iran resumes small-scale uranium program effort to create large scale devistation

Reebok marketing campaign draws criticism
...for having no sole

US says "no plot" for Hamas ouster
...They're going to cremate him instead

Pakistan sees most violent reaction to cartoons
...but just wait until they see the South Park episode about themselves

US, Canada break up human smuggling ring
...apparently they were being snuck in via a uterus

Apple set to ship notebooks PCs with Intel chips
...A tiny white flag will be enclosed with each computer

Ohio board deletes disputed evolution lesson lesson on natural selection

Some mentally disabled learn dating skills
...but what they really need is some condom sense

Tom Cruise, Holmes deny breakup report
...though few believe they were every really together

Harvard study blasts Bush education policy
...and doubles as a jab at a Yale education

Rush on for last-minute Valentine's
...Prog-rock group gets more girls than their fans

Scientists track lightning storm on Saturn
...until local storm cuts their power

Mormons weigh more than other Utahns
...thanks to all the crap they swallow in church

Government develops plan for the bald eagle
...that starts with plugs, but may include a complete graft

Lawmaker tries again to ban Internet gambling
...Clearly he enjoys taking risks and throwing away money

Cheney accepts full blame for shooting hunter
...Victim accepts face full of birdshot

Parents don't see crisis over math, science
...or any of the answers on kids' homework

Congress grills Internet execs on China policies using their stir-fry woks

Smashed ballot boxes found in Haiti
...Smashed tourists, too

Cheney accepts full blame for shooting hunter
...'Just finish him this time,' says victim's wife

Cane toads in Australia develop longer legs: study hot pants catch on aamong amphibians

Munch retrospective to open without 'Scream'
...or much of any reaction from jaded art world

Abu Ghraib torture photos authentic - official they should get a higher price on eBay

Panel weighs whistleblower law changes present decible levels are too high

States want 'No Child Left Behind' flexibility
...Proposals submitted for 'Some Children Left Behind'

Sick spouse bad for partner's health - study
...She needs to cover her mouth when she coughs

Teflon chemical said a likely carcinogen
...if scientists' findings stick

Cheney defends his silence on shooting
...saying his actions are deafening enough

German girl rescued after dropping notes
...but now faces fines for littering

Judge orders release of spying documents
...but counter-spies have microfilm copies already

NASA chief warns of gap in space program
...that runs between Earth and the edge of the atmosphere

Bush approves Cheney's handling of mishap
...or rather mishandling of happening

China, Iran reportedly near huge oil deal they should take care not to slip

Netflix mulls revising class-action settlement
...but fears they'll be charged late fees by judge

Telescope project worries some in Mexico
...who can't afford curtains for their bedroom windows

Reports emerge of Mac OS X Trojan horse
...Moral: Beware of Mac geeks bearing gifts

Writer Art Buchwald has leg amputated
...Even publisher acknowledges editor went too far

Vatican urged to reopen debate on birth control
...but pope says none needed as altar boys can't get pregnant

Hospital discharges man shot by Cheney
...Victim winces at the word 'discharge'

Man hit by Cheney to leave hospital
...where he felt like a sitting duck

Mobile operators set sights on last frontier astronauts' cell phones won't lose service in orbit

Lachey files for spousal support from Simpson
...who still has 14 minutes of fame remaining

Cheers greet Cheney at appearance in Wyo.
...out of fear he'll fire on them if they boo him

Venezuela tells U.S. to stop meddling
...even though that's kind of the objective at the Olympics

Gesturing is helpful form of communication
...especially if you are holding a weapon at the time

Bernanke enthralls economists, investors there's little chance of a sex scandal in his office

Democrats slam new Medicare drug plan
...Drug plan contends slam was a hate crime

IRS affords Katrina victims extra time
...Given what I pay, the IRS can afford quite a lot!

Astronomers get shortlist of possible ET addresses effort to return his Speak'n'Spell to him

10-year jail term sought for ex-congressman
...who is suddenly in favor of a different kind of term limits

Nintendo to launch Pokemon theme park
...into the heart of the sun, hopefully, where it blongs

Sex services in prostitution probes banned
...Then how else can you probe a prostitute?

Bush presses for nuclear energy expansion
...Yes, pressing the big red button will do that

Iraqi political parties run into big obstacles
...partly because the women can't see through their burkas

Scholars rate worst U.S. presidential errors
...Topping the list: Anything said by Bush

Oscars host Stewart prepares for big stage
...and upstaging a lot of egos

Atlantic water warmer during dinosaur era
...from all the dino pee, mostly

Burials begin for Philippine mudslide victims
...Ummmm.  I'm not even goin to comment here

U.S. freezes assets of group, cites Hamas
...Eskimos sometimes freeze their assets off, too

Another Alabama church damaged by fire burning bush makes ill-times appearance

Advocates threaten lawsuits to curb food marketing suing for their pound of flesh

Genghis Khan still casts long shadow in China
...partly because sun sets so low this time of year

Record jackpot winner probably laying low
...but wait till you see who he can lay with this kind of cash

Mardi Gras cases strain New Orleans courts
...Cases of daiquiri mix strain New Orleanian's livers

RadioShack CEO quits amid resume doubts
...Shareholders gripe that he wasn't under warranty

Rich nations' life expectancy may reach 100
...though you wouldn't want to live that long anywhere else

Venus' surface too harsh to sustain life - study
...yet some people somehow manage to live in El Paso

New Orleans, Carnival have history of survival
...thanks to antiseptic effects of copious alcohol

Anti-whaling ship hits diplomatic squall
...with carefully aimed harpoon

N.Y., Md. governors question port turnover
...'Won't the water run out?' ask confused politicians

Haiti's election chief flees country avoid being caught in landslide

Employers face global 'talent shortage' - survey all the talent sapped by 'American Idol' auditions

Maui mayor wants sand exports to end
...because he won't accept dirty money

Phillies' organist retires after 35 years
...following massive organ failure

Aircraft demand pushes titanium prices higher
...than cruising altitude

Surviving Bee Gees reunite on stage
...Dead Bee Gees reunited in the afterlife?

Smoking ban irks retirement home residents
...who resent delay in being qualified for cancer ward

U.S. Forest Service eager to study wolverine
...when 'X-Men 3' reaches theaters this summer

Computer lets parents track kids' eating
...but memory upgrades required for the fat kids

Firms offering to put human remains in space flying tourists in unsafe experimental spacecraft

Second Apple worm targeting Macs found: experts
...the first one being MS Windows

Dart injuries rise as beginners get the point
...but few Darwin Awards expected in this non-lethal competition

Shirley MacLaine enjoys Hollywood renaissance
...Star says she feels like her career has been reincarnated

China's skyscrapers as polluted as air outside close the windows already!

S.F. wants to convert dog droppings to power
...other than the power pets hold over their owners

Bush shrugs off objections to port deal
...Darwin's theory of natural selection, and English grammar lessons

Calif. execution postponed indefinitely
...Sentence changed to 'execution by natural causes'

McCain: Bush must do more on immigration getting out of the country before he ruins it

Companies monitor workers' Internet use
...reads headline from 10 YEARS AGO ALREADY

New theory of how Titanic sank
...prompts new director's cut of the movie

Winner of $365 million jackpot to be revealed long line of friends looking for a handout

January consumer prices surge in U.S.
...Surge protectors to be installed on price scanners

Bush unaware of ports deal before approval
...But it would be shorter to list what he *is* aware of

Enron witness says Lay hid bad news
...Odds are the jury won't hide bad news from him

Monster said living in N.Y. lake spite of belief nothing could live in a N.Y. lake

U.S. poverty-rate calculation fuels debate
...about whether fuzzy math can keep the poor warm

Bush port defiance fuels bipartisan anger
...thereby averting feared fuel crisis

New findings suggest Pluto may have rings
...after lengthy courtship with Persephone

Unsafe NY dam has residents fearing flood
...'It's really dam scary,' say locals

Trump to Martha: "You deserved to be fired"
...Martha to Trump: "Your barber deserves to be fired"

Judge faults Google display of small photos
...and orders them to pay for users' bifocals

Voters start to question Schwarzenegger aims
...after USA runs 'Commando' for umpteenth time

Security programs strain Muslim-U.S. ties
...except on 'casual Fridays,' of course

Grand jury indicts 32 accused NY mobsters
...'Do you know how many cops could have retired on those bribes?' NYPD exclaims

White House issues its own Katrina report
...which, like everything else about this debacle, is late

Fox plans TV network aimed at young adults
...but they'll have to point the set at the computer

New kind of space blast seen not far from Earth
...prompting ban of nail clippers on space shuttle flights

LA stage has stars in plays and plays about stars
...and boys who like boys who like girls who used to be boys

Vatican urges Muslims to show tolerance
...even though they won't even show their women's faces

Mexican-U.S. relations continue to sour
...just need some salt and tequilla

Massachusetts breast-feeding debate heats up the point it's almost Pasteurized

Film actors appear on L.A. theater circuit
...when their careers short circuit

Rescuers find air in Mexico mine unbreathable
...but somewhat better than at the surface

More anorexics are teenage boys
...according to a random sampling of MySpace users

Gunmen attack mosque in western Baghdad
...Witnesses say mosque was just standing there minding own business

Tibetan hunger strikers put IOC in a jam be spread on crackers and fed to them

s.beat combines MP3 player, tools of survival
...although many of us find the two synonymous

Brazil bishops say go easy on Carnival sex, booze they make for great post-Carnival confessions

Experts see medical ethics violations at Guantanamo
...Honestly, even lay people can see these

U.S. to continue sending Palestinians aid spite of position against assisted suicide

Smart cameras, guards to protect WTC site
...Smart guards apparently not available

Spacecraft nears Mars, but hurdles remain orbit near its moons

Two more nabbed in U.K. heist
...Police charged with nabbing heisters

Abbas says may resign if peace not pursued
...Manhunt organized to pursue peace wherever it hides

Judge delays BlackBerry cutoff decision
...until it rots on the vine

Calif. bill would bar toxins in cell phones, iPods deleting deleting annoying rap songs and ring tones

Helicopter to link Manhattan, JFK
...Secret love child to link Marilyn, JFK

Calif. gov. makes appeal to fellow Republicans
...pretty much the only group left still appeals to

'Love it' slogan dropped from N.H. signs
...and replaced with 'Ambivalent about it'

'Brokeback' rides into U.S. pop culture
...from the rear with a little lubricant

Small-town papers cling to society columns
...much like how fly paper clings to flies

FBI: More tests needed in Texas ricin scare
...Students: No more tests needed on campus!

Singer George Michael arrested in drugs probe: source
...'I want your X,' said singer to dealer

Officials fear platelet donor pool will shrink
...or at least coagulate

Pope: Embryos have rights from conception
...until they become altar boys

Museum of macabre readies to pull stakes
...out of Dracula to ressurect its main attraction

New Orleans gears up for Fat Tuesday reinforcing furniture around the city

Oscar's foreign films make strange bedfellows order to earn their nominations

Controversial 'Death of God' exhibition opens
...clouds and fires lightning bolts

Eye damage may not signal child abuse
...if defense can prove kids couldn't see their attacker

Nigeria militants foresee more violence
...They better; their job is to make it

Bush job rating falls to all-time low - poll
...but still higher than number of WMDs in Iraq

Consumer sentiment falls more than expected
...Maybe it should get shoes with better traction

China warns Taiwan over its 'dangerous step' the Lambada craze finally reaches the Far East

Residents remain committed to New Orleans
...Psychiatrists agree those people should be committed

Cat in Germany has deadly bird flu strain
...acquired when infected bird strained through cat gut

About 5,000 to protect Bush on India visit
...or slightly more than the words in his vocabulary

Mardi Gras shows contrast of New Orleans
...Green, purple, and gold means adjust your contrast

Ringling Bros. accused of spying on PETA
...from high wire above group's headquarters

U.S. not sure N. Korea has nuclear weapons
...but expect a preemptive invasion just to be sure

Howard Stern claims CBS is 'bullying' him
...but no one hears claims since he's only on satellite

Flu virus could hit 40 percent of U.S. workers
...if Barbara Streisand were to sneeze downwind

Supreme Court hears Anna Nicole Smith's case
...only after she covers her distracting clevage

Bush denies Iraq heading toward civil war
...Also denies the South lost the Civil War

Oscars could elevate fresh faces to stardom
...Plastic surgeons elevate stars' faces to freshness

If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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