The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

1/1/06
Roberts wants raises for federal judges
...to suppliment income from bribes

Rovers Still Explore Mars After 2 Years
...after failing to stop and ask for directions

Dick Clark Returns to TV to Mark New Year
...before being returned to cryogenics chamber

Russia cuts gas supply to Ukraine
...Alternative supply found at Taco Bell

US studies find antidepressants work for some
...and the rest were too depressed to respond

Longtime President Tightens Grip on Uganda
...and asks it to cough

Online Holiday Shoppers Spend $30 Billion
...stolen along with victim's identities

Suspect Said to Fake Death to Avoid Arrest
...since it's so hard to catch someone who doesn't move

Optimism alive as winter chills Pakistan quake zone
...Optimism likely to go into hibernation for next few months

Scientists grow stem-cell lines in new medium
...by signing contract with satellite radio

Government Prepares for Next Big Disaster
...with confirmation hearings for Alito

Monopoly ends for Britain's Royal Mail
...but monarchy still not offered to Britain's royal male

Study: Guppies Have Menopause, Too
...in which hot flashes cause water to spontaneously boil

Trojan Emits Bogus, Risqué Google AdSense Ads
...Ironically, Trojans usually prevent emissions from googling

US to probe mercury risk in canned tuna: paper
...PETA says not to worry, the fish are already dead

Austria pulls more billboards
...and takes the gold at this year's billboard-pulling competion


1/2/06
Russia accuses Ukraine of diverting gas
...Many wives wish husbands could do same

Crowds endure rain to watch Rose Parade
...in hopes moisure will keep floats from wilting

Major earthquake hits between Fiji and Tonga
...which tells me nothing about where this happened

Tail hair tracks elephants' diet, roaming habits
...and how much pot they've smoked

Annual tech gadget trade show is biggest ever
...but next year's model should be small enough to fit in your pocket


1/3/06
Europe's concerns about Russian gas grows
...such that no can be in same room with Vladimir Pootin'

Dry weather worries Texas firefighters
...because people want them to spray hoses on their gardens

Sharon to transfer power during procedure
...to make himself more conductive

End of Independence may mean higher fares
...tell friends to groom at bachelor party

Study shows children no safer in SUVs
...than in front of them

Cheerleading injuries more than double
...in attempt to emulate Panthers' girls restroom antics

Teen who went to Iraq skips news conference
...for more exciting trip to Somalia

Roth says Van Halen reunion 'inevitable'
...if there is such a thing as an afterlife

Bush pushes for Patriot Act renewal
...in spite of depleting patriotism in America

Animals know stupid when they see it
...but American voters completely lack this ability

Lindsay Lohan in hospital after asthma attack
...resulting in an unusually swollen chest


1/4/06
Russia and Ukraine settle gas dispute
...They decide to blame the dog for it

Pharmacists deal with Medicare confusion
...by prescribing anti-dementia medications

Court OKs Padilla transfer sought by Bush
...so long as he isn't allowed to wear any shoes

CBS News veteran Strawser dies at 78
...and realizes dream to become a headline

Hospitalized miner responding to his wife
...that he ought to start looking for a safer job

Turkey reports two human cases of bird flu
...[Punchline declared redundant on all counts]

NYC council elects first female, gay speaker
...in order to fulfill multiple quotas in single appointment

Queen Latifah gets star on Walk of Fame
...Alternatively: Huge crack found on Walk of Fame

Stem cell therapy sparks hope in ailing hearts
...caused by on-line dating sites

Parents leave kids home alone to gamble
...which in itself was a gamble they lost

Strong earthquake strikes off Baja peninsula
...Geologists unsure if it can be reattached

Schwarzenegger strategizes for re-election
...in hopes plans for a sequel will pan out

Prehistoric cave art of men, women differed
...pretty much like the bathroom graffiti of today


1/5/06
U.S. chicken industry plans to test flocks
...to determine why they crossed the road

'Brokeback' leads SAG award nominations
...Note: SAGging resulted from broken back

West Virginia miners drawn by money and solidarity
...Mickey Mouse drawn by underpaid Asian artists

Microsoft issues patch for Windows flaw early
...In other words, before the world is brought to a standstill

Vitamin D could help pregnant women: study
...but not as much as child support payments

Schwarzenegger wants to move past election
...Honestly, voters shouldn't have let him get that far


1/6/06
Snow: U.S. unemployment level can still drop
...if people quit getting fired for surfing porn sites at work

N.Y.'s Metropolitan Opera gets $25M donation
...to stop producing noise pollution

U.S. commander speculates on Iraq bombing
...His hypothesis: It was caused by explosives

China offers two pandas to Taiwan
...after forgetting to include egg rolls in their order

Baltimore is named fittest city in America
...but claims it's hundred of miles from overspilling Bible Belt

Tourists trickling back to New Orleans
...unless levees are constructed to keep them out

Last survivor of China's 'Gang of Four' dies
...Technically, it wasn't a gang even two members ago

NCAA steps up anti-gambling efforts
...Bookies taking bets on whether they will succeed

Demolition of Steve Jobs' mansion blocked
...by pop-up window: Are you sure you want to delete? Click OK or Cancel

NSA chief not concerned by congressional inquiries
...after adding his number to 'Do Not Call' list


1/7/06
Gas crisis fueled Ukrainian patriotism
...reads week's most ironic headline

Los Angeles subway plan sees renewed hope
...as fodder for post-earthquake tv movie of the week

Iran eyes atomic research
...hopely through protective lenses

'Capote,' Hoffman, Witherspoon cop top critics nods
...for inter-gender performances

Alito seen surviving tough confirmation hearing
...so long as metal detectors are employed for spectators


1/8/06
Carmakers find a captive audience for entertainment
...Hence Howard Stern's success

Doctors wait to bring Sharon out of coma
...until they light the candles for surprise party

Schwarzenegger hurt in motorcycle mishap
...then pulls driver from semi and continues to chase John O'Connor

Turkey reports 5 new human cases of bird flu
...Correction: Human reports 5 new turkey cases of bird flu

Stern making his debut on satellite radio
...thus ensuring Earth's destruction by passing UFOs

GM brings back the Camaro muscle car
...State inspections to include tests for steroids


1/9/06
Debate swirls as wind power grows rapidly
...Note: Debates produce winds in excess of 60 MPH

'Ethiopian Idols' offers hope amid poverty
...but critics say it promotes unrealistic body images

Fossil find sparks new interest in dodos
...Fossilized administration composed of dodos

Trump's casino company sees luck turning
...which is a bad thing for gambling industry

U.S. Army begins action to expel reservists
...before insurgents beat them to it

NASA to return comet samples to Earth
...before they get any more overdue fines

Hubble spies North Star's dim little companion
...GOP considers it for a 2008 nomination

Milky Way's warp caused by interloping galaxies
...but insurance will cover cost of body work to repair it

Shock-jock Stern enjoys unregulated radio debut
...I enjoy debut of Stern-less morning radio in my car

Alito pledges to do what the law requires
...Wait, if he hadn't, then he wouldn't have?

Study casts doubt on value of prostate tests
...as a potential screen for sexual orientation


1/10/06
Senators gear up for Alito questioning
...in expectation that he'll object and overrule them

Doctors must wait to assess Sharon damage
...Historians, too

U.S., other nations rebuke Iran over seals
...noting that they can't survive without water

Muslims clash over Oakland liquor stores
...preferring to fill bottle with gas and an oily rag

Scientists unable to say if skull is Mozart's
...because musicians of the time didn't make tattoos of it on biceps

Unhappiness has risen in past decade - study
...Conversely, happiness has declined during same period

Experts say Turkish bird flu outbreak can be halted
...if they would just cover their beaks when they gobble

Alito: No president above law
...although Bush is establishing precident

Bush says some war critics irresponsible
...Critics note war time president is projecting

Britney Spears tops worst-dressed list
...in rare instance of being sighted fully clothed

Generic drugs slowing health care inflation
...primarily through use of anti-inflammatories

Hoax charges leveled at best-selling writers
...by people who don't understand the concept of fiction

Iran's move brings scorn from U.S., Europe
...who think they're going to lower property values

IRS freezes thousands of suspicious refunds
...on grounds that something smells funny about them

Turkey races to contain bird flu outbreak
...See, turkey races aren't just for Thanksgiving!

Hubble reveals companion to North Star
...when yet another star is outed by a telescopic lens

Alito pleases GOP senators, not Democrats
...In other words, GOP likes oral, Dems don't like anal


1/11/06
Doctors removing Sharon from all sedatives
...including barring him from listening to fellow politicians

Angelina Jolie pregnant with Brad Pitt's child
...say daring odds makers

Mexico demands U.S. allow more immigration
...or they'll just keep crawling under the fences

New Orleans unveils controversial rebuilding plan
...Controversy stems from the fact there is one

Infected Turkish boys may provide bird flu lesson
...but they're sick, so they called in a substitute this week

Unsanitary pedicures a health risk
...or latest dirty foot fetish?

Angelina Jolie reportedly expecting baby
...to finally drain her overflowing breasts

Sharon improves, out of immediate danger
...other than the fact he's a politician in Israel

Journal rethinks stem-cell review process
...and vows to go over things with a microscope

Magazine names 'best jobs' to have in 2006
...Top of list: Writing fluff piece for magazines


1/12/06
New Sony label geared toward gay artists
...and will take control of 97% of music industry

Automakers predict diesel sales will grow
...slowly, noisily, and produce a lot of smoke

At least 345 people die in hajj stampede
...in appeal for a class-action Darwin Award

Records show Army ended abuse probe early
...when victims cried out "Mercy!"

James Frey to add author's note to memoir
...and librarians to move it to fiction section

Documents tie shadowy US unit to inmate abuse case
..After being tied, unit was beaten severely and denied food

Italy's youth caught in grip of TV wrestling
...by being choked by set's power cord

Crash test dummies won't need to be lonely anymore
...as more anatomically correct models cut into sex toy market

Studio makes unprecedented Oscar push for 'Crash'
...Note: Abrupt push resulted in the film's title

Early man was hunted by birds - researcher
...Early birds apparently not interested in worms

Bush predicts Gulf Coast building boom
...actually it was Katrina that made buildings go boom

Northwest pilots vote to freeze pensions
...but union plans to apply de-icer in a few years

Bode Miller apologizes for drinking comments
...but says he needed something to wash down his foot


1/13/06
Alaska volcano erupts three times in a day
...for first time since it was a teenager

Angels, Anaheim begin court battle over name
...'They're no angles,' each party's lawyers contend

Iran threatens to end nuclear cooperation
...which is sort of the physics behind the bomb, coincidentally

Mayor: L.A. is 'homeless capital' of U.S.
...Note: Governor's mansion is cardboard box in alleyway

Women in quake-hit Pakistan break old barriers
...now that they've been weakened by seismic waves

Key senator calls outsourcing fact of life
...before foreign opposition replaces him in election


1/14/06
Pope gunman may be re-jailed as draft-dodger
...since he obviously has no aversion to firearms

Flu virus resistant to 2 drugs, CDC says
...We're resistant to way more, DEA says

China, India to cooperate in oil hunt
...but every man for himself in Easter egg hunt

Miss America eyes hip, wholesome comeback
...in paradox event of the competition

Fourteen leopard skins seized in north India
...Many limbs were lost in the process

Rapper Eminem, ex-wife remarry
...in another case of rappers recycling old material

Cheeky fencer foiled in bid for team
...Cheeky reporter impaled on rapier wit


1/15/06
Earless dog is up for adoption
...Former owner says he never listens

Tribunal confirms Saddam judge wants out
...though not as badly as the defendant

Student solves Rubik's Cube in record time
...at expense of losing virginity before he turns 30

Specter says no 'blank check' for Bush on spying
...but expects many more blank looks from the president

Super Bowl halftime show can bedevil NFL
...Baptists still blame Devil for Janet Jackson

NASA poised to launch first Pluto probe
...but homophobes reluctant to probe Uranus


1/16/06
Former child actor Joe Pichler is missing
...the name recognition for me to care really

New technology boosts hard drive capacity
...but so does deleting crap mp3s you never listen to
or
...New tech in question: Your credit card

Canadian beetle infestation worries U.S.
...American preachers organize record burnings

Americans pay tribute to Martin Luther King
...even though he isn't around to spend it

Canadian beetle infestation worries U.S.
...American preachers organize record burnings

New Orleans mayor: 'God is mad at America'
...for not giving Oral Roberts that six million he wanted

Bush pays tribute to civil rights leaders
...by giving them a lot more work to do

Nokia launches new cameraphone
...Note: Jealous girlfriends do this too sometimes

Many on Mississippi coast feel overshadowed
...hence their history of lynchings and cross burnings

Chile's first woman leader to tackle inequality
...loses since men are better at tackling

Financial choices overwhelm Americans
...so they try to figure out who to pay to make them

Munch's 'Scream' said undamaged in theft
...so no one knows what it was so upset about


1/17/06
Relief from heating bills unlikely to last
...unless people start burning them to keep warm

Pakistanis say terrorists died in strike
...but scab terrorists have been brought in as replacements

'Dog whisperer' calms pets of rich and famous
...after they are berrated for using wire hangers

Aspirin's heart benefits vary by sex - study
...Wife could use the exercise if she would get rid of headache

Israel's "Arab-counter" influences land debate
...while counter-Arab tactics put many under the land

NASA set to launch spacecraft to Pluto
...after directors say to get it out of his sight

Kosovo's ex-rebels disgusted by Serbia talks
...and demand their mouths be washed out with soap


1/18/06
Holly Hunter delivers twins, People reports
...Meanwhile Cory Feldman delivers pizzas

Christians, Jews occupy unusual place in Iran
...Specifically, they're in Iran!

Laurence Fishburne sued by ex-assistant
...for only offering her a blue pill

Study finds that marriage builds wealth
...for divorce lawyers somewhere down the line

Tokyo stocks plummet amid investigation
...They're ducking so they won't be noticed by investigators

FDA simplifies prescription drug labels
...To the point that the caps are no longer a deterant


1/19/06
Rare right whales surprise Texas coast
...Ubiquitous right-wing Texans confuse West Coast

Scientists call Stardust mission big success
...when they beat the house on trip to Vegas

U.S. may be ready to elect woman president
...sometime in the century after next

Disney reportedly in talks to buy Pixar
...Reports indicate talks have been very animated

Nearly 400,000 Olympic tickets still available
...but buyers not racing to jump hurdles to get them

Less waiting, fingerprint check coming to your bank
...for bank robbers on the go

Rise in aspirin use seen among US adults
...as tax season approaches

Google rebuffs feds on search requests
...Repeated attempts merely returned a 404


1/20/06
Experts try to free London whale
...but gastric bypass surgery comes too late

U.S. stocks suffer biggest fall since 2003
...when their hip was replaced

Study suggests glaciers scraped Martian surface
...Glaciers' lawyers contend they were at the poles at the time

No raised cancer risk from mobile phones: study
...as most users more likely to die in car accidents

Palestinian suicide bomber film fizzles in Israel
...Box office bomb reportedly clears cinema

Utahans wary of renewed interest in uranium
...Most want two wives, not wives with two heads


1/21/06
Smoking affects blacks, whites differently
...For example, nicotine stained fingers less noticeable

Pakistan warns U.S. not to repeat attack
...or more of them will become our victims

Agricultural development led to first baby boom
...Genetically modified cabbage patches could lead to overpopulation

New film chronicles at-risk teenage girls
...Incidentally, so do many porn flicks

James Bond car sells for $1.9 million
...counting the golden gun in the glove box

US urges broad Iraq coalition
...but sexist Iraqis don't want broads in government


1/22/06
Bird flu preys on poverty in Turkish town
...and pecks its eyes out

Rating system urged for adult Web content
...For example, 'Two thumbs up your [bleep]'

Anti-diabetes drugs may have a down side
...hopefully in patients' blood-sugar levels

Music sales resumed decline in 2005
...which helped offset decline of Western civilization

Study gives snapshot of day laborers
...Minute Men have them in their sights too

Spielberg blasts 'extremist' critics of 'Munich'
...Blasting extremists?  Um, okay.

TIME magazine says Bush photographed with Abramoff
...Hugh Hefner has photographed bush with just about everything


1/23/06
Group to buy Albertson's in $9.7B deal
...or $9.2B with your Preferred Card

Officials vow safer conditions for miners
...They'll surround them with rocks for protection

High court won't hear BlackBerry appeal
...because it will have to read it from the little screen

Environmentalists fight spread of vineyards
...that threaten to eliminate acres of parking lots

56 colleges have endowments topping $1B
...and then there's Ron Jeremy

Bush to anti-abortion activists: 'We will prevail'
...Activists: 'You will be terminated after 2nd term'


1/24/06
Investigator: U.S. 'outsourced' torture
...in spite of fierce lobbying by torturers' union

Russia says U.K. used fake rock to spy
...Critics say they always knew Oasis wasn't a real band

German leaders tackle shrinking population
...a task that gets easier every year

Microsoft to succeed 'Vista' OS with 'Vienna'
...Okay, maybe 'succeed' is overstating things

Pacers, Kings close to deal on Ron Artest
...He's going to be traded to the Don Kings

U.S. says beef inspection system is safe
...Cows think otherwise

2007 Tour de France to start in London
...but will have to be renamed De-Tour de France

Kanye West poses as Jesus for Rolling Stone
...in effort to be not quite as big as the Beatles

Study: Army stretched to breaking point
...in especially brutal boot camp training

W. House accused of foot-dragging in Katrina probe
...Clean-up crews accused of muck-raking

Al Gore to publish book on global warming in April
...Republicans to add to effect by burning it

Blogger chronicles job as NYC cabbie
...but you'll need to download a language pack to read it

IBM accused of not paying OT to workers
...Or: Overclocked processors need more cache

2005 was warmest year in a century - analysis
...'That's hot,' explains noted climatologist Paris Hilton


1/25/06
W.Va. schools use video game to fight obesity
...It makes the fat kids sitting ducks for bullies

Scientists discover world's smallest fish
...but throw it back before publishing on it

Pope releases his first encyclical
...Non-Catholics wish he would flush afterwards

New Bollywood film to star real criminals
...much like Hollywood has been doing for years

Bush: Bin Laden should be taken seriously
...G. W. Bush still impossible to take seriously

Scientists say less sunlight reaching Earth
...which is why this president doesn't look so bright

Red Cross evaluated after Katrina
...It's recovering nicely in a hotel room in Texas

New planet-hunting method could find more Earths
...which is currently on the endangered species list

Korean cloning scandal shows system works: expert
...so expect many more identical scandals

Getty LA antiquities showcase reopens under cloud
...but additional lights have been installed for better viewing


1/26/06
Last of 8 hostages freed in bank standoff
...when police agree to waive fees for early withdrawal

U.S. military to release five Iraqi women
...back to conditions worse than prison

China, Iran warm to Russian nuclear proposal
...Temperatures presently approaching surface of the sun

Forum spotlights problems of poor women
...Top of list: No money

Football suicides haunt Maine town
...in latest page-turner from Stephen King

Scorpion survives 15 months without food
...Scorpions survive 15 years without hit record

Bush resists changing law on spying
...since it's easier to just continue breaking them

Public schools mulling Bible literacy course
...as soon as they can get past the underlying contradiction

Russia marvels at high-tech British 'spy stone'
...while box office rejects low brow Sly Stallone

Ford says it does not need government bailout
...since it already called a wrecker to pick it up

Fruit and vegetables cut stroke risk: study
...whereas strokes raise risk of being a vegetable


1/27/06
Bush 'reluctant' to bail out U.S. automakers
...Having been one, he knows what kind of losers need bailouts

Painter creates 30 portraits of Greenspan
...while US creates billions of protraits of Washington

Rep. Murtha says Iraq is now a 'civil war'
...Military counters there's nothing civil in Iraq

Priest may face trial for saying Jesus existed
...Prosecutors demand crucifixation

Fake passport ring with terror ties busted
...Terrror ties were to be released on Father's Day


1/28/06
Teenagers take 'chastity pledges'
...not to have sex again until after they deliver

"Momma" set to open big
...when film is delivered by caesarian
or
...[Censored punchline]
or
...[This one was worse]
or
...[This one was even worse than that]
or
...[Oh, you don't even want to know]

'Walk the Line' star Joaquin Phoenix flips car
...Johnny Cash just flips the bird

ElBaradei asks U.S. to give reactors to Iran
...U.S. says Iran doesn't need anything else reactive

Army to investigate gay porn allegations
...even though this means doing some asking and telling

'Humuhumu' dethroned as Hawaii's state fish
...for something locals could say without laughing

Exhibit shows cartoonists' takes on Bush
...that have the same number of dimensions as their subject


1/29/06
Apple offers college lectures via podcasts
...so kids will have something to listen to in class

Munich attack mastermind feels no regret
...Many wish he couldn't feel anything at all

Brain scans may be used as lie detectors
...to conclusively establish Bush doesn't have one

Immigrant stories win Sundance honors
...Immigrant Song wins Robert Plant impersonators laughs

ABC anchor, cameraman in stable condition
...otherwise the shot would be fuzzy

Stomach balloons used to fight weight gain
...while weight gain leads to ballooning stomach

Frist: Gov't unwanted in end-of-life cases
...because they're redundant by then

Chavez joins activist Sheehan to bash Bush
...in the porno absolutely no one wants to see

Alaska volcano erupts after 10 days of quiet
...when it quits taking its Prozac

Rocker Bryan Adams in Pakistan for quake relief gig
...Unfortunately, amps trigger aftershocks that kill dozen more


1/30/06
Rice urges no aid to Hamas government
...in efforts trying to follow this grammar

Polar ice sheets may start to melt this century
...'Oh, sheet!  That's our home' exclaim penguins

Bush to say wants Iranians to have greater freedom
...he's taking away from U.S. and selling it overseas

Global warming demands urgent solutions: scientists
...but working faster means getting overheated

Floods and drought boost global disasters in 2005
...Floods to taxed to pay for drought relief

Oscars nominations may climb "Brokeback Mountain"
...as if Oscars ever had a shortage of gay viewers

All-girl band takes on Zeppelin with a twist
...leaving horny male fans dazed and confused


1/31/06
Bush speech to set election-year agenda
...for English teachers everywhere

Oslo passes Tokyo as most expensive city
...once you factor in the heating bills

Agency: Iran papers are for an atomic bomb
...Local papers are for your fireplace this winter

Kate Moss returns to Britain to face police
...after slipping through the bars to evade them last time

Microsoft changes blog shutdown policies
...Blogs will now crash unannouced for no reason

Study: Pregnancy may not help depression
...Common sense: Duh!

Alito sworn in at Supreme Court
...And sworn at in Supreme Court

US women still neglect heart risk, studies find
...hence they continue to pursue me endlessly

"Brokeback" leads pack of message films for Oscars
...in new Best Messenger category

Putin warns against foreign meddling
...based on centuries of bad experiences here

Japan to pull all its troops from Iraq by May
...to combat on-going threat by Godzilla by home

Psychologist studies chronic deja vu sufferers
...who swear they know him from somewhere


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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