The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

Egyptian police prevent polling in village
...since there isn't any water to put one in anyway

Military space programs seen surviving review
...if their heat shields manage to hold up through it

Schumer asks Alito for more abortion info how far Americans should have to travel to get one

Consensus on U.S. immigration policy slim
...which is what you have to be to get under the fence

Men lie more than women - study
...Or so they would like us to believe

White House calls Democrats irresponsible on Iraq
...Force of spin nearly knocked earth off its axis, say physicists

TiVo to let users buy movie tickets, check traffic
...and otherwise get out instead of sitting home watching tv live

US supermarkets may be a tough sell
...unless they are marked down as stale

Two U.S. allies leaving Iraq, more may go
...upon realizing it's ruled by the Nation of Bedlam

University cancels class on creationism
...'There is a god!' exclaim stunned athiests

Egyptian police prevent voting in villages
...noting that the Americans do it in booths

Bush speech gets mixed reaction overseas
...from people whose second language is also English

Grateful Dead to allow free Web downloads
...Attached virus causes user's computer to smoke constantly

Bombings in Iraq fall to seven-month low prices on plastic explosives reach record highs

Russian city braces for arrival of toxic spill
...when Motley Crue tour swings through former USSR

Hubble snaps detailed image of Crab Nebula latest Paris Hilton nude expose

David Letterman, Oprah Winfrey bury hatchet misguided effort to start a hatchet farm

Air-travel security changes set for Dec. 22 preparation for Santa's arrival by air Dec. 25

Melting Arctic ice risks territorial dispute
...Icebergs threated to secede from polar ice cap

Judge won't clear record of Kerrigan attacker
...based on his argument that the swelling has gone down

Two U.S. allies pulling out of Iraq
...the only good things to come out of Iraq so far

Allies hope to press U.S. into climate talks
...with steam provided from global warming

Gov't announces more Medicare safeguards
...such as putting a railing and plexiglass around it

Mild strain of bird flu found in N. Carolina
...Mild strains of most things can be found in N. Carolina

Problem found with potential ADHD patch
...Like its wearers, it doesn't stick to anything for long

Pfizer fires exec in whistleblower suit
...Apparently this wasn't appropriate work attire

GOP wants to create secretive gov't agency
...but they're going to advertise the fact anyway

Laotian regime's grip is as tight as ever
...after weeks of therapy in wake of dictator's stroke

Pentagon describes Iraq propaganda plan
...Sign them up for cable that shows nothing but FOX News

New intestinal bug emerging in North America
...Actually, that's not exactly where it emerges from

Hawaii volcanic shelf falls, exposes lava river
...and shoddy workmanship by so-called intelligent designer

New Orleans mayoral election facing delay incumbent mayor's ever-so-slow speech

Court to release tape of gay policy debate
...but most of the heavily breathing has been edited out

Fla. investigators: KKK behind 1951 blast
...Most wish they had been in front of it instead

Democrats lack unified position on Iraq
...due to un-'presidented' ability to arrive at own opinions

Plot to rocket Saddam trial uncovered
...when trial was moved to launch pad

WADA sees gene doping as inevitable
...Eugenicists move to eliminate dopey genes

Trump wants to start TV shopping network
...for the few who don't switch it off during 'The Apprentice'

Marilyn Manson reportedly marries girlfriend creepiest pairing since Angelina and Billy Bob

Rebuilding Big Easy hinges on who will pay
...the cover charges to understocked bars with no strippers

Professor loses weight with 'no-diet' diet
...and is arrested for indcent exposure in Emperor's new clothes

Former 9/11 commissioners: U.S. at risk
...of alienating our few remaining allies

Arkansas man scales White House fence
...but Jodie Foster remains unimpressed

U.S. missile, al-Qaida death may be linked the fact he was square in the crosshairs

Fla. lawmakers to consider Medicaid reforms
...kind of hard like math or something

Bird flu fears infecting biotech industry
...Workers encouraged to cover mouths to avoid spread

Americans let contractors do decorating construction industry opens to gay workers

Rumsfeld criticizes media coverage of Iraq
...for being interrupted by presidential addresses

Black bear hunt under way in New Jersey racist Italians with guns run amok

Two verdicts reached in Florida terrorism trial
...Actually, only two are possible if you think about it

French doctor criticises media on face transplant pointing to where they can plant their faces

Westin to ban smoking in U.S., Canada hotels
...Canadian locations look for other ways to keep warm

Tree decorated by Okla. students removed greedy timber industry

Judge tries to keep order at Saddam trial
...but former dictator keeps asking if he wants fries

Rice says intel thwarted attacks in Europe
...Shares of Intel up 6% at close on news

Iran plans to build second nuclear plant case they can't blow up the first one

Kenyan workers flee after strong quake
...The NYC marrathon shows how these guys can run

Bush urges businesses to protect pensions
...since he plans to pocket our Social Security

DeLay case holds future of GOP leadership
...Actually, jail might soon hold former leadership

Transplant doc denies woman tried suicide
...or she would have used an American doctor

Foxy Brown's case adjourned until Dec. 23
...Judge orders no one open case until xmas

Five ETA blasts hit Madrid, no injuries
...and no ETA for subsequent blasts

Professor acquitted of funding Islamist group
...on the defense that professors have no funds

Christina Applegate, husband file for divorce
...Couple is currently separated without children

Aniston warns over publishing topless photos
...aas they could cause heavy breathing in men over 12

DeLay's money laundering charges upheld
...after bribe was found underwhelming

Hostility in marriage may be harmful to health
...if husbands don't have a food tester at meals

Seattle is the most literate U.S. city - study
..after being forced to find an alternative to music in the '90s.

Titanic may have sank faster than thought
...were it not for Kate Winslet's nude scene

Training of Iraq forces suffers 'setback'
...Theology in Iraq currently set back centuries

Rovers find evidence Mars was once hostile
...with upon discovery of 'no rovers' signs posted in orbit

Brazil singer slams Vatican in condom dispute
...saying priests better wear one if they wanna get with her

Execs almost nixed 'Charlie Brown Christmas' a cruel parody of hydrocephalic children

U.S. Rep. Blunt leaves opening for leadership race
...For a guy named Blunt, this sounds kind of coy

New technology puts fresh spin on government spin
...capable of producing up to 75 Gs during election years

Bertinelli, Van Halen divorcing after 24 years
...Eddie trades his wedding album for a solo album

Don Ho recovering from stem cell procedure
...Tiny bubbles inserted to repair his broken heart

Marital discord may slow healing
...from knife wounds sustained during most recent fight

Scientists see delayed ozone hole recovery
...since the ozone layer isn't eating very healthily

Saddam no-show at trial; testimony goes on
...Additional charges for truency expected to follow

Pulitzer rules to allow more online entries
...Prizes to be delivered as email attachments

Record low temperatures in parts of U.S.
...where Sly Stallone's carreer currently resides

Face transplant patient seeks privacy
...and is seeking transplant to protect her identity

Mel Gibson planning Holocaust miniseries
...and making effort to ensure there's a sequel

Drug gangs corrupt Mexico's elite 'FBI' spiking the punch at Jorge's retirement party

Panel doesn't want junk food aimed at kids please only throw rotten fruit at them, okay?

Many said to breathe incorrectly
...So stop it.  It's really annoying

Ex-British PM Thatcher admitted to hospital
...Tests under way to see if she has a heart

Merck exec denies company misled doctors it branches out into misleading jurors

US rules out inhumane treatment of prisoners abroad
...and promises to ship them here before mistreatment

Saddam's stop-start trial goes on without him
...but they're going to TiVo it since he likes to pause things

Dog gene map may help understand human disease
...that causes men to salivate through 'Baywatch'

Study says 1 in 4 targets of e-mail phishing scams
...Click here to sign up for more information

Europe seems far away in unstable southeast Turkey
...Note: 'unstable southeast Turkey' = the drumstick

Microsoft to nearly double India workforce
...Condom shortage a few decades ago helped here too

Kate Moss emerges from scandal intact being thin enough to squeeze through the wreckage

Sources: Units' deployment may be canceled
...due to airport being overcrowded with holiday traffic

Allies welcome Rice's comments on torture
...because they could use advise on better methods

Report: Free trade threatens small farmers
...who yell, 'Git off mah land, ya stinkin' varmits!'

Greenland's glaciers retreating - scientists
...after small farmers pursue them with torches

Pope Benedict blesses Olympic flame
...for use in burning scientists and other heretics

Mariah Carey gets eight Grammy nominations almost match her pair of golden globes

Japanese panel declares U.S. beef safe
...after rounding third and sliding home

Islamists make gains in violent Egypt election
...while opposition loses lives and limbs

Iran leader wants Israel moved to Europe
...but isn't willing to pay the freight charges

Canada's Liberals vow ban on handguns
...US to open season on hunting Canadian Liberals

Snow, freezing cold grip middle of U.S.
...Ladies wish it would warm hands before gripping

House passes tax cut retaining lower rates
...2004 election retained lower standards for president

France tries to improve tourist image after riots
...that shifted perception of them from rude to barbaric

Buyout firms plan bids for Dunkin' Donuts
...No word yet if police officers are included in deal

Air marshals put on leave after fatal shooting
...Shooting victim put on leave pending reincarnation

Medical journal says Merck concealed data
...Bizarre reversal equals 'Publish *and* Perish'

Boy testifies about foster home with cages Siegfried and Roy set back gay adoptions by decades

Streisand cancels L.A. Times subscription
...then has coffee and does her hair.  Pictures at 11

US, UN condemn Iranian leader's Holocaust comments
...affirming he's a fan of Mel Gibson

Hospitals may help spread flu pandemic drum up business lost to meddling HMOs

Dean says new Iraq strategy needed replace the 50 Watt version that just burned out

Branson chooses New Mexico for space launch
...Many wish Utah would return from outer space

Iraq defendant gripes about cigarettes, food
...Iraqis wish they had more food and fewer cigarette burns

Some women prone to carry strep in pregnancy
...but deliver it within nine months or so

Cancer drug may help short boys be taller
...prompting Gary Coleman to take up smoking

Post-Katrina requests now being questioned
...Pre-Katrina requires for levees shouldn't have been questioned

Christian TV channel hits Egypt's airwaves address paucity of comedy in that market

Passenger was agitated before boarding jet
...pretty much like every other passenger since 9/11

Congress near deal on bill that bans torture
...thus thwarting Bush's plans for Fourth Reich

Homeland nominee questioned over deletion
...after wife finds porn in desktop recycle bin

Gay-themed cowboy movie faces challenge produce danceable Western soundtrack

Christian stores capitalize on 'Narnia' release
...and gullible public still afraid of science

Calls grow for release of hostages held in Iraq temp agencies find shortage of available hostages

Microsoft Xbox 360 takes aim at Sony in Japan bonus level a few years after beating Mario Bros.

Market weighs latest Vioxx blow Merck branches into cocaine trade

BET promotes ringtone sales with vid pop-ups
...Rap, cells, and commercials: The annoying trifecta

Colombian police back off as Indians grab land
...when history abruptly reverses itself

Smoking lowers chances of surviving throat cancer
...but qualifies you for a cancer patient Darwin Award

Gay cowboys hit U.S. screen, but no rings just yet
...except a new meaning when Cookie says to 'Come and get it'

NOPD chief says 60 officers fired
...upon daily by idiot residents of the city

Snow storm brings headaches to Northeast
...'Put some ice on it,' say useless doctors

SeaWorld claims dolphin breeding innovation
...years after people passed on the underwater birth fad

New Orleans environmentally safe - officials
...Apparently the alcohol killed the infectious stuff

Midway accident spotlights short runways
...and pilots who rode short busses to school

High gas prices alter driving habits many turn into discount service stations

Iran reveals plans to produce nuclear fuel
...on advice from Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Midway accident spotlights short runways
...Accidents to be installed to also spotlight major intersections

150 nations agree to future climate talks
...such as 'Look, I can see my breath in this weather!'

Spam scam invokes Princess Diana
...Televangelist scams invoke even higher powers

'Sopranos' creator gets filmmaking award
...through questionable means, indicates wiretap

Pioneering comedian Richard Pryor dies
...Second cremation in 30 years to be performed Sunday

Historians: Past eras were worse than now
...for Red Sox fans

Film 'Syriana' used as call for oil conservation getting people to drive out to movie theaters to see it

ElBaradei says nuclear arms should be taboo as slavery
...GOP aims to corner market in both

Country music stars Brooks and Yearwood wed
...Grafting experiment leads to familty tree that doesn't fork

Justice Dept. appointees draw criticism
...away from embarrassing president's other mistakes

Report slams medical response to Katrina
...for not draining fluids fast enough from swollen areas

Bush faces critical test with Iraq elections
...or anything that requires a 3rd grade reading level

"Brokeback," "Crash" lead Critics Choice nominees first instance of original and sequel being nominated

Experts urge less focus on antioxidants
...Note: Lack of oxygen causes lack of focus

Nine whales, 24 dolphins die on Cape Cod
...beach diet

Explosions rock fuel depot near London response to Clash rocking the Casbah

Some Kashmir quake survivors burned books
...say theologists by way of explaining quake's cause

Second Time reporter testifies in CIA leak case
...but after this the jury is going to have to get a subscription

Iraqis begin voting for new parliament replace the one that was blown up last week

Prices cut to pull in snowbound shoppers
...but price of snowshoes is jacked up for the season

More research urged on nanoparticle risk
...but funding remains too small to be seen with the naked eye

Campaigning in Iraq a tricky proposition going door to door requires a minesweeper

Nasdaq 100 adds 12 companies to index
...and changes name to Nasdaq 112

US defends decision to let scissors back on planes pointing to passengers' troubles opening packs of peanuts

Study pinpoints species facing extinction threat
...Reseach scientists under Bush admin among those listed

High cholesterol may raise blood pressure-study
...For instance, every time you get your results back

Obama: GOP practices 'Social Darwinism' rednecks vote themselves further below poverty line

Bush says he does not live in a 'bubble'
...It's more like a glass house badly in need of repair

'Sober' worm attack expected January 6
...but it will be Drunk from Dec 25 thru Jan 2

Blind dating enjoys renewed popularity
...since many users can't figure out how to post a pic

Dog school graduates sniff for drugs, money
...College graduates too, it should be noted

Investigator: U.S. shipped out detainees they'll arrive in time for xmas

Iraqi expatriates go to polls in 15 countries
...In the past there was usually a rope at one end

Nigerian airlines grounded after crashes
...Uh, that would be the definition of a crash

Man pleads guilty in child bride sex case avoid paying alimony until she's eighteen

Americans hold protest at Guantanamo
...Protest to be held indefinitely without access to lawyers

Next stop in New Orleans: Disaster trip for tourists the tourism industry returns to normal

Scottish kids among world's most overweight
...says world in response to 'Does this kilt make me look fat?'

Europe slams Schwarzenegger execution call
...Ironically prefering him in his role as the Terminator

Mice created with human brain cells
...Politicians created with reverse recipe

U.S. immigration hits five-year high - report
...High immigrant Chong on probation for next five years

Celeb prenups cover weight limits, drug tests
...but fail to anticipate flip-flopping sexual orientations

Canada refutes U.S. warning to back off
...saying it's too cold to go back north

Pregnant skydiver survives face-first fall
...What's being knocked around after being knocked up?

Housing costs lifting rentals out of reach
...Soon people will be forced to buy homes

Campaigning stops ahead of Iraq election
...because it can't be heard over the explosives

Air marshals may also work on trains
...if they understandably develop a fear of flying

U.S. trade deficit hits all-time high
...but analysts suspect steroids

Bush takes blame for Iraq war on bad intelligence
...Note: 'Bad intelligence' = 'Stupity' and is not an excuse

Disney producing its first film in China
...and its six billionth pair of Mickey ears there

Bush defends his Iraq war decisions the form of an insanity plea

Nurse shortage puts school kids at risk
...bullet surplus helps too

Groups try to stem violence in Australia issuing cease and desist order to Croc Hunter

Calif. groups seek to quadruple cigarette tax large-scale addiction threshold experiment

Belarus lawmakers move to limit online dating
...since they're being out-competed by that 'I kiss you' guy

Iran president: Holocaust is a 'myth'
...and you don't want to hear what he has to say about Jesus

Bush claims responsibility for Iraq invasion
...and other terrorist actions around world

Qualifying for risky mortgages may get harder 'Fear Factor' competes for higher ratings

House passes health, education spending cuts
...Note the word 'spending' will be eliminated in long run

'Fish with chips' reveal ocean migration routes
...into English kitchens

Humans came to N.Europe earlier than thought
...but no one was there yet, so they figured they'd drop by again later

Media, tech companies team up on high-definition TV
...'No fair,' says HDTV and refuses to play against them

Prince negotiates own deal with Universal Music
...since no one could type the symbol on his contracts

Iraqis cast ballots amid tight security opposed to casting anti-personnel armaments

Probe may widen in stem cell fraud case
...Technically, this is called a speculum

La. to drop sales tax for holiday shoppers
...Prices also slashed to below sea level

Mona Lisa's smile 83-percent happy - analysis
...There's some regret about overplucking her eyebrows

Icy storm cuts power to 350,000 in South
...much like the Emancipation Proclamation

Foxy Brown says she's been deaf for months
...Music critics review of last album lauded as clairvoyant

Hollinger's ex-chairman Black hit with more charges
...L.A. expected to riot on news of another Black being hit

Climate, storms hit extremes in 2005
...and are warned by referee before fight resumes

Study: 11M U.S. adults can't read English
...but this article is preaching to the choir

NASA to remove shuttle's problematic foam
...and replace it with non-biodegradable packing peanuts

PETA names Paris Hilton worst-dressed
...based on the wardrobe in her all nude sex tape

Korean team admits 'fabrications' in clone study
...Since that was precisely the goal of cloning, after all

NYC Transit union calls selective strike beggars can apparently afford to be selective

Bush won't discuss report of NSA spying
...without using at least a few double negatives

General expects troop levels in Iraq to drop
...unless Bush can supply them with better armor

EU threatens sanctions over Holocaust flap
...about 50 years to late to affect Nazi Germany

Schools lower temperatures to save money
...Bush lowers students' IQ to save constituency

Armed Mexican park rangers guard butterflies
...who threaten to throw wing dust in tourists' eyes

Iraq voter turnout estimated at 70 percent
...Fortunately, voter casualty rate was slightly lower

Fish helps pinpoint human skin color gene Barney Miller spin-off ventures into biotech

Senate puts Patriot Act's future in doubt
...Bush continues to put future of patriotism in doubt

Southern ice storm leaves thousands in dark
...Southern school boards do much the same

NSA spying report prompts call for probe
...which will be conducted in secret by wiretap

NYC official says transit offer is final
...In other words: "Aaaall abooooard!"

Robert Novak leaving CNN for Fox News
...saying he needed a break from reality

Alaskan volcano releases steam, sulfur gas compete with similar content from Howard Stern

Sony on track to double videogame player sales
...and raise average age of male virgins by five years

Help for people with seasonal depression
...comes in the form of gift certificates for pharmaceuticals

Howard Stern farewell rally draws thousands in NY
...and sets record for highest population density with the lowest IQ

New Orleans evacuees skeptical of Bush vow
...Apparently he can't fool even some of the people

Plane stopped, evacuated at Burbank airport
...Passengers' bladders did much the same

Jessica Simpson files for divorce from husband
...who is expected to retain custody of the couple's brains

IRS reduces telephone help operating hours
...Suicide hotline calls expected to increase sharply

Landmark transplant patients to meet
...Doctors hope they don't reject one another

High-end shops wooing men with pizza, beer
...on way to lowering comercial property values

Random House to publish writings of troops
...but they'll be too outdated to be of use to enemies

Young Japan skater aims for two triple axels
...even though more axels mean higher tolls on freeway

Cancer vaccine has strong response in young girls
...Currently it's more popular than the Backstret Boys

NIH Uses Live Viruses for Bird Flu Vaccine
...Failed vaccines tested on now-dead subjects

Thieves Haul Off Two-Ton Moore Sculpture actual Michael Moore weight too much to be budged

Survey finds 1 in 20 lack basic English skills
...when asked for comment, 5% of those polled said, 'Huh?'

Divided Congress Holds Saturday Session
...The other half will show up Sunday

Ukrainian couple has 17th child, lays claim to largest US family
...and has 1040s routinely returned as a suspected prank

Bush: Eavesdropping Helps Save U.S. Lives
...and has broken up more than a few marriages

Writer Suspended for Taking Story Payments
...Starving writers everywhere wish they could do same

Sydney police seize knives, brace for beach violence surfers challenge sharks for control of the waves

U.S. soldier says Afghan prisoner abuse investigations a 'witch hunt'
...Witch hunters having better luck that WMD investigators

Canada says it has no interest in U.S. plan to study fence at border it thoroughly understands barbed wire technology already

US jet evacuated after bomb comment by passenger, man held
...but says he was referring to the in-flight movie

Christmas trees a gift to city streets in San Francisco fire hydrants too saturated with dog urine

Running for Office from Several States Away a good way to avoid corruption charges

Bush defends eavesdropping
...with advice he overheard somewhere

Time Warner Enters Into Talks With Google
...but things moving slowly since they're using AIM

India, Pakistan to Build Iran Pipeline
...Warning: Highly combustible combination

Dow's glide to 11,000 looks smooth
...You may now unfasten your seat belt

Pepsi Stock Tops Coke in Market Value
...after market was shaken and handed to investors

Group Ends Protests of Alaska Wolf Hunts
...after several camped-out protestors eaten overnight

Montreal paralyzed by record snowfall
...that crushed the C3 and C4 vertebrae

Japanese zoo officials put plump penguins on winter exercise regime they can fit into more attractive winter fashions

Launch of first Galileo satellite delayed
...when pope places it under house arrest

Newlywed' Jessica Simpson to untie the knot
...Next she'll attempt her own shoe laces

Ledger not the same actor
...but all actors are imposters, so who can tell?

Judge Orders Briefs in Blackberry Case boxers left berries dangling awkwardly

Gene may predict second-hand smoke effects
...while Roger sticks to Oscar predictions

Russian skier caught between two countries
...after jump from slope ends badly on border fence

'Kong' grabs unremarkable $50M in debut
...perhaps because he was holding Fay Ray in the other hand

Bush to say in speech Iraq war is not lost can find it on FOX News

Time Persons of 2005: Bill and Melinda Gates, Bono
...Just to give you an idea how uncool Bono has become

Ore. Surfer Who Slugged Shark Recovering
...but doubts he'll be able to obtain any more loans

Aceh Rebels Disband Armed Wing
...and are expected to fly only in circles

'Intelligent design' ruling may have ripples explain why men have useless nipples

Astronomers get first glimpse of new stars
...after shunning science for jobs as American Idol judges

US president remembers Asian tsunami victims that both he and they have supposedly dried out

Plummeting 2005 box office sparks Hollywood crisis many stars can no longer afford recreational drugs

Study: Climate Change May Melt Permafrost
...which would not be covered under the warranty

Hormone-blocking implant halts too-early puberty
...thanks to multi-billion dollar research grant by Michael Jackson

Record number of British children in hospital because of alcohol
...after perfecting the Tele Tubbies drinking game

'Monday Night Football' Ends 36-Year Run
...with 82,347,372,427,345 yards and two down

Two CBS Sitcoms Can Now Be Viewed Online
...even though they helped drive people away from tv

Canada's group sex club patrons swinging free
...since 'causual Fridays' mean 'clothing optional'

Study shows how alcohol damages bones watching drunks navigate the concrete steps outside the bar

Report: Terror drill shows response flaws
...possibly because they didn't tighten the bit into the chuck

Canada group sex club patrons cheer ruling
...or at least that sounds a lot like clapping

New Orleans police shoot, kill man on tape
...Normally tape is used to outline body after death

Man to crawl for 55 miles in search of 'love'
...after missing his carpool to the brothel

Rural U.S. hospitals face doctor shortages deliver all the inbred babies of teenage mothers

Cyberattack tactic targets key employees making them read this three times fast

Graz deletes Schwarzenegger from web sites
...but those prank calls will float the net for decades

Nat'l Registry adds 'Rocky Horror', other films
...that would give Dick Cheney another heart attack

European satellite launch challenges GPS
...Driving past trees somtimes challenges my GPS

Blood-thinner dose errors can cause bleeding doctors' legal funds

Putin dismisses economic adviser who quit demonstrate how redundant Russian politics can be

Wind fuels grass fires in Oklahoma, Texas
...and additional small grass fires at Grateful Dead concerts

EU launches first Galileo navigation satellite
...Unfortunately, it got lost with no one to ask for directions

Carmakers widen seats as people get bigger
...Curiously, bicycle makers don't face such issues

Iran says it's studying Russian nuclear plan experiment to radiate their country for 10,000 years

Italy beefs up security for Olympics
...Security to come with choice of alfredo or marinara sauce

Marriott customer data for 200,000 missing
...when someone slipped away with it and the towels

Alito advised against Panther case appeal
...saying clients looked better with the alligator case

Wildfires char homes in Oklahoma, Texas
...after residents forget to baste them in BBQ sauce

S.Korea panel says no data to prove stem cell claim
...pretty much like GWB's postition on them either

China confirms seventh human bird flu case
...Now 0.00000001% of the population infected!

2005 worst year for breaches of computers
...but internet full of images of girls without breeches

Marsalis, city workers to drop ball in NYC
...but claim the ball tripped, of course

Former students say Alito is open-minded
...based on what he propositioned them with

Bank robber turned in by sons gets 40 years
...Sons' inheritance sharply diminished following conviction

Hilton Hotels, Hilton Group in $5.7B deal
...but daughter Paris is still cheap by any measure

Gov't releases proposed space tourism rules
...such as 'Keep your arms in vehicle at all times'

About 1 in 10 US teens face major depression
...that they can't have the car this weekend

Continuity marks W. House staff five years on
...Note: Ideology hasn't changed in centuries either

Oscar race begins as ballots mailed out
...Gay Superbowl just a couple months away

Windows security flaw 'extremely critical'
...Ironically, many suffer insecurity flaws from critical mothers

Trump said to mull running for N.Y. governor case talk show hosts run out of fodder for monologues

Studios stumble through a tough year
...Robert Downey Jr. reportedly empathizes

Saints to Return to Louisiana Next Month exchange halos for life preservers

States rushing to lure retirees
...with early-bird lunch specials

In Britain, a decline in sperm donors probably a very good thing

Medicare to Swallow Medicaid Drug Benefit
...if they can find a large enough  glass of water

"Rogue" African elephants may soon hunt poachers soon as they can get their licenses

Retirees find that rural life suits them
...seeing as how many were put out to pasture

NASA's Spirit and Opportunity still probing Mars after two years
...whereas most couples stop probing within the first year after honeymoon

Chief justice transformed bench
...with his unique woodworking skills

Delta Reports Losing $182M in November
...Maybe it was with our luggage

Slowing Planet Affords Us an Extra Second program our vcrs not to endlessly blink 12:00

Fictional King Kong mirrors odd island facts
...such as that New Zelanders worship hairy Peter Jackson

Peruvian With New Thumbs Ready to Go Home
...and catch up on his text messaging

Rapper Pimp C Released From Prison
...after being pimped into hepatitis C infection

Gays hope cowboy film can change US heartland an alternative vacation rather than Fire Island yet again

Archdiocese property subject to bankruptcy their economics follow their ethics

Intel to Unveil New Branding Strategy overclocking processor and applying it to skin

Bush says U.S. will 'stay on offense' in Iraq
...Similarly, he'll remain offensive to most Americans

Security tight as Asia, Australia ring in 2006
...My resolution: Quick Googling 'tight as Asians'

Subway strike disrupts New Year's in London
...forcing many to eat at inferior Quizno's instead

Bush plans quiet New Year's in Crawford any noise bothers him during hangovers

If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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