The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.


11/1/05
Methodist council defrocks lesbian minister
...reads almost-sexy headline

Poll: Many like tech gizmos but are frustrated
...by the price

Check-in kiosks rapidly replace human touch
...but prostitutes step up to capitalize on untapped market

Researchers say levees had design flaws
...mainly that they were put in path of hurricane

Syria: UN resolution "very negative"
...since it was left by its wife and started drinking

Business faces pressure on climate change stance
...but higher pressure at least lowers chance of rains

Bush outlines $7.1B flu-fighting strategy
...that involves searching every sinus cavity for Osama

Panel recommends major tax law overhaul
...but needs taxes raised to pay for it

Sixth night of rioting erupts near Paris
...The bourgeoisie fears as rioters near the Bastille


11/2/05
Feds to release details of flu-fight plan
...by leaking them to NY Times reporter Judith Miller

Democrat: Alito won't 'chisel away' law
...He'll hire illegals to steal it in middle of the night

U.S. flu strategy under attack from critics
...who say the dance numbers are too cliched

Senior al Qaeda captive fled US prison
...rather than sticking around for 50 to life

Iran to process fresh batch of uranium: diplomats
...so get it while it's hot (i.e., the next 10,000 years)

New evidence of massive black hole in our galaxy
...may finally explain where all our car keys went

Assad pardons 190 political prisoners
...when they excuse themselves after massive belch

Beatle Harrison's concert still aiding Bangladesh
...in attracting wayward hippies without a decade of their own

Boys get gunshots, not treats, for Halloween
...Candy is dandy, but a speeding bullet is quicker

Seventh day of violence erupts in Paris suburb
...Failure to rest indicates stronger stamina than God

Ancient burial ground discovered in New York
...where Jersey mob has been dumping bodies for centuries

Northwest to cut flight attendants' pay
...unless cutting their skirts shorter attracts more business

Trademark fight keeps Russia Starbucks-free
...Efforts underway to import Russian trademarks

Boeing machinists strike after talks fail
...Machinists always strike while the iron is hot


11/3/05
DeLay's staff tried to help Abramoff
...Clinton's staff got him in trouble with Hillary

Scientists find fossils fused in sexual union
...[Insert obvious Viagra punchline here]

NBC to launch channel for mystery shows
...Viewer must follow clues to find where on the dial it is

Brown discussed wardrobe during Katrina
...Aides advised a raincoat and hip waders

Man sues after using glue-covered toilet
...as invitation for public to further ridicule him

Toulouse-Lautrec masterpiece sells for $22.4M
...which is a little shorter than anticipated

Britain's Prince Charles donates to help rebuild Mississippi
...as anachronisms recognize they should help one another

Lohan, Leto shooting Lennon film: Variety
...Note: 'shooting Lennon' = bad choice of wording

Wind power seen reducing need for US natgas
...It's the exact reverse of gas breaking wind

Catholic weekly stirs storm with nude ad
...for 'Altar boy's robes half off!'

Democrats ask Cheney to talk on leak case
...but he points out that's what got the defendant in trouble

Bush's ratings still sink over war, court
...to levels approach his Yale grades before the bribes


11/4/05
Rolling Stones guitarist's art shown in S.F.
...the only place with enough drugs to appreciate it

Bush protesters riot in Argentina summit town
...but not for long because they're easily winded at the summit

N.H. Democrats already looking at 2008
...thanks to early printing of calendars

Huge iceberg breaks apart in Antarctica
...after collision with ozone layer leaves gaping hole

Juanes, Sanz dominate Latin Grammys
...until the Sandinistas overthrow the ruling partiers

Romania denies air base used as CIA prison
...Many doubt Romania even has an air base

Vatican: Faithful should listen to science
...because it's more wholesome than sitcoms

Britain lifts ban on Rev. Sun Myung Moon
...but he must wear a warning label at all times

Bomb know-how enters Iraq from Iran
...In other words, it was smuggled in rectally

Cheney pushes for CIA torture exemption
...saying it could kill him given his heart condition

 Bush faces falling integrity rating
...Rating is currently almost as low as his actual integrity

Latin Grammys salute best in Spanish broadcast
...which isn't much since Charo retired

Man glued to toilet seat, sues store
...but fined for contempt when judge asks him to take stand

Search on for Texas death row inmate
...Unlike many, he can't be found in a cemetary

L.A.'s Hollywood sign to get a face-lift
...in order to more accurately represent its residents


11/5/05
U.S. launches major offensive in Iraq
...by showing a Ron Jeremy film festival

Rioting spreads from Paris across France
...the most dangerous trend not from a fashion runway

North Korea urges women to wear dresses
...while Mtv urges American girls not to dress at all

Boone, Bono team up for Rev. Graham tribute
...Global warming blamed for convergence of uncoolness

U.S., China reportedly reach textile deal
...In short, we promise to let them do our laundry

Warming could help Norway salmon
...be cooked before they're even canned!

Bush tries to sell Americans on Alito
...and ends up bankrupt yet again

Japan to launch quake warning system next year
...just warning you, okay?

Arson worsens in riot-hit French towns
...where there's no prohibitions against smoking

Americans split over buying cloned meat - poll
...Many confused when packaging reads 'Serves two'

Cruise ship escapes hijack attempt by pirates
...Isn't that Tom Cruise ship something?

Charles, Camilla visit Calif. organic farm
...to teach corn farmers how to grow larger ears


11/6/05
Police find bomb-making factory in Paris
...that has been producing stinky French films

Chirac calls security meeting over riots
...but his voice was drowned out by sound of breaking glass

Biden: Alito filibuster seems unlikely
...and can't see him Biden his time through one

Iran opens military site to U.N. team
...Bunker busters could open additional sites

Astronauts want asteroid collision plan
...as well as liability in comprehensive coverage package

Jay Leno increasing lead in late-night
...as intelligent Americans flee the country

Attack on ship shows pirates emboldened
...by popularity of Johnny Depp as their poster boy

Bush's remarks seen as a jab at Chavez
...and the entire profession of English teachers

US saw Qaeda-Iraq informant as likely liar in 2002
...but failed to realize same of GOP candidate in 2000

Tergat wins New York marathon in final meters
...whereas most win marathons at the finish line

Phil Collins says open to Genesis reunion
...since he's given up music to be a money-grubbing whore

Dell may be past its best days: Barron's
...as most computers are outdated in six months of purchase

Collecting more than fun and games for toy enthusiasts
...It's also a substitute for sex.  (Since it kind of has to be.)

Dollar surge ignores global imbalances
...much like its country of origin

White House looks to round out Fed board
...by starting them on Dick Cheney's diet

Bush backing still sought in close races
...Warning: Some close races marry their first cousins

Vatican sees sainthood for mother of 11
...All her gynocologist sees a prolapsed uterus

Big meteor shower puts on show in Alaska
...marking first entertainment since the polar bear got in the cannery


11/7/05
Rescuers search for tornado survivors
...who they can recruit for new season of 'Fear Factor'

China antitrust law could alter landscape
...in which no one trusts China already

Australian police say major terror attack foiled
...Terrorists villains say, 'Drat, that's our line!'

Peru ex-president Fujimori arrested in Chile
...N.O. mayor expected to be arrested in gumbo

Humane Society wants minimum hunting age
...I want minimum age for children on airplanes

50 Cent shows soft side in new film
...sort of like what Jenna Jameson does

Movies heavily shape teen smoking, study shows
...and strongly influence their popcorn consumption

Three die playing catch with grenade
...Darwin Award to be divided among inbred family members

Firms make profit by paying too much tax
...Gov't makes profit by charging too much tax

Rioting threatens tourists' image of France
...as rude only to foreign tourists

Prince Charles, Camilla wrap up U.S. tour
...having scored with fewer groupies than Mick Jagger promised

Independence Air parent files for bankruptcy
...so the other parent gets custody?

Cheerleaders had sex in bar, witnesses say
...all 10 million who downloaded video from web

16 terror suspects arrested in Australia
...including Croc Hunter for terrorizing wildlife

Richard Clarke urges more subway searches
...until folk musician menace is turned back

Astronauts install space station cameras
...to prevent any more break-ins

Grokster file-sharing service shuts down
...forcing many to steal cds directly from music stores

Abercrombie & Fitch to pull tees after boycott
...No promises that they'll pull them from cute girls though

Schwarzenegger stakes political future
...on traveling back in time to destroy evil cyborgs


11/8/05
Minesweeper detects Afghan roadside bombs
...Hollywood options technology to prevent another 'Gigli'

Gigantic apes coexisted with humans - study
...until Kong wouldn't own up to the 1-900 charges on the phone bill

TV blurring lines between news, entertainment
...by scheduling halftime show for Gulf War Part II

Aspirin may prevent skin cancer - research
...Actually, it's the hangover that keeps you out of the sun

CIA moves toward probe of secret prisons leak
...Guess where those responsible will disappear to?

Azerbaijan vote may set stage for revolution
...Proving everything is backwards in that country

Some see off-year elections as test for GOP
...because God knows they failed Biology 101

State of emergency declared in France
...Perrier drinkers seek hospitalization for dehydration

CBS, NBC to offer TV shows for 99 cents
...50 Cent apparently already has cable

Europeans set to launch probe to Venus
...in time for her yearly exam

Kate Moss gets post-rehab modeling job
...showing off medical restraints for a kinky catalog

French hoping curfews bring end to unrest
...as previous approaches have not cured insomnia

Another lawyer in Saddam trial gunned down
...Incident described by anti-lawyer groups as 'a good start'

Gonorrhea rates fall but other STDs rise
...up Courtney Love's urinary tract

Louisiana mulls legal action on failed levees
...but neglects to act on failed public school system

Antibiotics given too often for sore throat-study
...And who can swallow them then anyway?

Comedian Al Franken gets serious about politics
...Apparently, his earlier material was supposed to be comedy

Kansas schools OK evolution language
...so we won't have to speak like the King James bible


11/9/05
French rioting appears to lose strength
...after a couple more glasses of Merlot

Home builder say demand in U.S. fading
...as homelessness gains popularity under Bush

Michael Jackson may not live in U.S. again
...if his alien progenitors return with him to Planet Xzygrh

Oil executives defend profits before Senate
...instead of just writing a check for their bribes

Kim Ng could be baseball's first female GM
...to so thoroughly eschew vowels

Losses sting Schwarzenegger
...but can't penetrate his bulletproof vest

Blair suffers major defeat on anti-terror bill
...as British demand the import of more terror

Democrat wins may signal trouble for Bush
...Subject/verb agreement also troubles the president

Iraq bombs getting more sophisticated
...but ideology remains in the 2nd century BC

Feds accuse 2 in missile-smuggling scheme
...Defense claims they were just happy to see them

Aniston starts push for big-screen stardom
...as her agent induces "contract"ions

S.F. votes against guns, army recruiters
...but they're all for recruiting sailors to handle their pistols

k.d. lang files suit against former manager
...for stealing the 'Shift' key from all her computers

"Gravity Tractors" could outwit killer asteroids
...since they're dumber than rocks

Ostrich on loose tramples car in bid for freedom
...Zoo keepers resolve to invest in a Hummer

Business jet sales boom, but peak may be in sight
...somewhere upwards of 10,000 feet

Emerging markets face test with tighter money
...that was accidentally washed in warm water


11/10/05
French violence abates after govt measures
...rioters' penises and finds out why they're so upset

Israelite alphabet may have been found
...in new kosher Campbell's alphabet soup

Cell phone industry adopts ratings for content
...in case Pat O'Brien calls your answering machine

Sharapova puts world domination bid on hold
...after world domination auction is canceled by eBay

FDA warns women on birth-control patch
...that the nicotine patch does not constitute smoking after sex

NFL reaches agreement to return to L.A.
...to pioneer new water polo version of football

McCain urges changes in Bush's Iraq strategy
...Specifically, would he please develop one

Hip-hop's code of silence hurts police
...and yet we usually ask them to turn it down

Justice Dept. proposes tougher copyright laws
...that they stole from other countries' law books

Britain to consider first 'double jeopardy' case
...since Alex Trebek shaved off his moustache

'Penguins' director Jacquet not one to brag
...unlike Batman's arch nemisis in the comics

Karl Rove makes rare public appearance
...but quickly repeats upon seeing his shadow

Scientists: Sleepy students perform worse
...Teachers: Duh. You got paid for this?

French violence falls sharply overnight
...after having switched to solar powered rioters

Rothko painting breaks $22M auction record
...While Jim Carrey still gets only $20M per picture

Jordan's King Abdullah vows to hunt bombers
...PETA quietly approves of hunting of this kind

Michigan city high schooler wins mayoral race
...Rivals accuse him of copying off their ballots


11/11/05
Dalai Lama needles U.S. on democratic rights
...but few believe acupuncture will actually help here

Iraqis seek normalcy amid chaos
...but normalcy pulled out before US forces will

Rice urges Iraqis to bridge differences
...Iraqis point out they don't need bridges in a desert

Poll: Most Americans doubt Bush's honesty
...and pretty much anything he says

Parents of rioting French youth face struggle
...to hold their kids down while they spank them

Palestinians remember Arafat year after death
...whereas Tara Reid barely remembers last night

Bush forcefully attacks Iraq war critics
...Plans underway to invade the United States

French stage sit-in to protest violence
...They're just going to sit-in cafes and smoke

Smarter children may live longer - study
...but curiosity still #1 killer of felines

KISS' Gene Simmons sued for defamation
...and other nasty things he does with his tongue


11/12/05
Huge meteorite found underground in Kansas
...where it was hiding from persecution with the rest of science

Canadian boy calls for boycott over lumber rift
...but is ignored after crying 'boycot' once too often

Sausage vendor wins NYC streetfood contest
...Rednecks confused that roadkill does not qualify as streetfood

Mideast democracy summit ends in rancor
...along with many of Jabba's henchmen

N.H. town wants taxes from artist colony
...forcing starving artists to resort to cannibalism

Gay priests struggle with Vatican's rules
...and altar boys' robes

Republicans' legislative agenda losing steam
...prompting calls for alternative fuel sources

California may build tunnel in quake region
...as basis of future tv disaster movie of the week

US video game sales take hit
...but get a power up on the bonus level

Prosecutors not amused by accused mobster on TV
...No, they don't think he's some kinda fuckin' comedian

Attorney says Yates wants to avoid retrial
...and reality

Management guru Peter Drucker dies at 95
...after managing his cholesterol for decades

NASCAR star cited for reckless driving
...Related story: James Brown to enter Indy 500


11/13/05
Scientist ends Korea stem cell partnership
...No word yet on who gets custody of the blastocyst

Celebrities find success in fashion
...that was lacking in previous career in food service industry

Japan's space probe apparently lost in space
...after returning message 'Danger, Will Robinson! Danger'

Pa. may let hunters use prehistoric weapon
...to accompany their atavistic hobby

Mariah wins at violence-free Vibe Awards
...as audience is hypnotized by her freakish cleavage

Jordan's king: Qaeda bombers came from abroad
...Actually, most humans came from a broad named 'Mom'

Musharraf defends engagement with Israel
...saying the wedding and reception will be fantastic


11/14/05
Justices won't review 'In God We Trust' dispute
...because they don't trust God not to stike them with lightning

Wal-Mart memo shows expansion in U.S.
...Gastric bypass may be required if expansion continues

Los Angeles named nation's smog capital
....Unfortunately, smog doesn't listen to its own government

CMA awards aim to raise country's profile
...while further lowering the nation's collective IQ

U.S. held Iraqi with same name as bomber
...Meanwhile Ed McMahon delivers $1M to wrong house

GM launches 'red tag' incentive program
...to be followed by pink slip incentives for employees

NBC reportedly drops Stewart's 'Apprentice'
...Yes, folks.  She's fired.

Greenpeace dumps coal near Blair residence
...when Santa contracts with them for off-season deliveries

More human deaths caused by bird flu
...than by giant squid attacks in past century

Hollywood unions protest product placement
...when studios tell them where they can shove them

Bush takes fresh shot at Iraq war critics
...something he wouldn't dare with the NRA


11/15/05
Climate change could spread plague - report
...that could result in fevers that contribute to global warming

C-sections in U.S. are at all-time high
...Most mothers having them are too at the time

Grizzlies near Yellowstone may lose status
...as enemy combattants

Congress to take back 9/11 aid from New York
...in suicidal move to mug New Yorkers

Suspected 'cell phone bandit' arrested
...Police put her on hold for 15 to 20 years

Australia pioneers energy from hot rocks
...to find new lead singer for INXS

Bernanke gets Senate hearing
...but says his wife has selective hearing

First-class postage stamps to go up 2 cents
...to cover cost of postal workers' antipsychotic meds

Womack, Paisley top CMA award hopefuls
...sort of like being called 'most popular idiot'

50 Cent to launch hip-hop book line
...as soon as editors can deactivate their spell check

Senate seeks speedier Iraq handover
...in order to deliver it in 30 minutes or less

Accused teenage killer to be sent to Pa.
...'We'll lern ya, boy,' say Amish anachronisms

Study: Coffee in pregnancy may be risky
...Panic ensues when woman exclaims, 'My espresso broke!'

Reality TV show writers seek more pay
...Producers say, 'Get real, would you?!'


11/16/05
White House backs dividing appeals court
...after successful effort dividing public opinion

Scientists examine WWII airman found in ice
...to determine if he is really Captain America
(You're a huge nerd if you get this joke.  And I'm a bigger one for writing it.)

Iraqi army brings new skills to insurgent fight
...Unfortunately, diplomacy isn't among them

Atlanta district tops endangered places list
...thanks to updated rare animals lynching program

Music lobby launches new piracy crackdown
...as industry reverses decades of efforts to look cool

Bush hails Taiwan as model of freedom
...Remember when we could say the same about the USA?

Government showdown could break up Internet
...but the internet was based not on love, but sex

Tear gas, unrest spread to Lyon
...Note: Tear gas is a known contributor to unrest

Concern widens over CIA prisoner flights
...upon revelation that they were booked 1st class

People names McConaughey 'sexiest man'
...Title actually reads, 'sexiest stupid Texan man'

Iraq says all sects among abused detainees
...Gay porn studios vie for rights to film prison sects

Cheney calls Iraq war critics 'reprehensible'
...War critics call Cheney [unprintable]

Bush, S. Korean president united on nukes
...They both can't say 'nuclear' in proper English

Global warming seen posing ethical challenge
...as heat prompt scandalous attire at the office


11/17/05
Bush firm against N.Korea nuclear program
...Clinton firm against chubby interns when no one's looking

Senators threaten to hold up Patriot Act
...so a silent alarm and video cameras are installed

Scientists: Dinosaurs may have eaten grass
...but T. Rex contends he did not inhale it

U.N. group moves to narrow digital divide
...but Bush still trying to divide one by zero

Police search for Gary Glitter in Vietnam
...in other words he can't be found in obscurity

Oil prices rise on cold winter predictions
...Mercury does just the opposite based on same

Britain mulls permanent bird import ban
...British cooking may grow even more inedible

Activists: Tobacco firms target Hispanic kids
...while rich white guys paradoxically crave Cuban cigars

The Cure set to record new album in January
...just in time to close the depressing holiday season

Bush to talk about North Korea with Putin
...if a translator is available who speaks dyslexic Texan


11/18/05
Sri Lankan hard-liner wins narrow victory
...Kate Moss wins victory to stay narrow

Prosecutor to offer more CIA leak evidence
...including president's papers used to wipe it up

Rare Japanese stork gets prosthetic beak
...Soon all the rest of the conformist culture will want one

Madonna loses plagiarism case in Belgium
...Apparently she didn't invent sex after all

Greenland shrinking at surprising rate - study
...considering how little exercise it gets

House GOP seeks quick vote on Iraq pullout
...since pulling out requires split-second decision making

Vlade Divac cleared of dodging Serbia draft
...on the basis of having a really, really cool name

Shania Twain receives Canada's highest honor
a visa to the United States

Fitzgerald sees new grand jury proceedings
...since he's addicted to Court TV

Ex-Republican aide charged in corruption case
...Obviously this should read 'Republican ex-aide'

Sharon mulls breakaway party
...but he's willing to throw a party for any reason

Fishermen, company clash over crab prices
...while dockside hookers give them away as bonus

Iran received black market nuclear designs
...proving people will buy absolutely anything on eBay

125 illegal workers found at Wal-Mart site
...pretty much negating Sam's 'buy American' message


11/19/05
Iraq war criticism stalks Bush overseas
...It'd be too much to hope for a Hinkley for him

Urban deer, people clash in Minnesota
...frightening the Bloods and Crips from region

New study says early Earth was habitable
...but won't be by the time Bush is out of office

Mexican court: Sodas not national interest
...the way accordions seem to be

History gives few lessons for predicting flu
...Doctors suggest checking your temperature

In China, Bush urges religious freedom
...in US, he just shoves his religion down our throats

Lawmakers continue sparring over Iraq
...while Iraqis spar with Iraqis and occupiers

Mexico's Fox gets little from ties with Bush
...since he prefers more conservative neckwear

Bush to prod Hu on trade
...No, Hu's on first.

Viagra may be useful for serious lung disease
...in addition to causing heavy breathing in everyone else


11/20/05
Deadly storm weakens, should miss Fla.
...like so many Cuban refugees before it

'Peace mom' Cindy Sheehan to release book
...It's a road trip novel that stays in one place

U.S., China to cooperate more on terrorism
...to keep up with the exports from the Mid East

Professional gamer collects six-figure salary
...Professional couch potato collects cholesterol in arteries

ABBA member composes ring tone for charity
...despite fact ringing cell phones contribute to world's misery

Air Force general: Some Iraq deaths staged
...in order to boost slipping ratings on FOX

Rumsfeld: Talks underway on torture ban
...but can't proceed over sounds of screaming

Body count on the rise on prime time TV
...thanks for plethora of nightly news programs

Wash. state mall shooter may have hostages
...and a chemical imbalance

Midwest states unprepared for earthquake
...or even 19th century science, apparently

Californians gamble on career in real estate
...where you don't move so much as your property does

Israeli leader reportedly leaving party
...after discovering the hors d'oeuvres weren't kosher

Mirrors to banish town's winter darkness
...just as soon as it devises plan to dispatch Snow White


11/21/05
Po' boys and gumbo help revive New Orleans
...after too much drinking on an empty stomach

NASA spacecraft is halfway toward Mars
...when it remembers that it left the oven on

Huge GM job cuts fail to assuage investors
...and are even less popular among pink slip recipients

New Jersey city again ranked most dangerous
..to the English language

Study finds more pregnant women need to get moving
...on converting their spare bedroom into a nursery

GM plant closings to impact Tennessee town
...of Nashville by supplying fodder for more depressing country songs

BlackBerry patent ruling may come this week
...Fruit stands shiver in anticipation

U.S. bans poultry from British Columbia
...Ironically, Canadians think we're chicken

Five vehicles earn top crash test honors
...thanks to dubious efforts by Billy Joel

Koppel set to leave 'Nightline' after 25 years
...He's retiring so retirees can go to bed early


11/22/05
Holidays, shooting highlight U.S. mall safety
...but McDonald's in food court still serves transfat fries

McCain, Graham warn GOP may be in trouble
...and predicts lightning may strike them at any time

Microsoft warns of new security threat
...in the form of a giant virus called Windows

Husband sues ABC over 'Wife Swap'
...upon learning it was only a temporary exchange

New plan to save Italy's Venice considered
...to be futile by realists

Riskier dementia, Alzheimer's therapies urged
...since the patients don't really know the difference

Smelly 'corpse plant' draws crowds in D.C.
...who watch too much CSI and think they'll find a body

DeLay lawyers wants indictments dismissed
...and a pony for xmas, please Santa Claus

Vegetables, fruits causing more food illnesses
...Apparently, an apple a day keeps your doctor in business

FEMA gives hurricane evacuees one month
...even though Katrina set them back decades

Vatican says active gays not welcome in priesthood
...thus eliminating most fruitful place to pick up guys

'Dirty bomb' suspect charged
...with intent to litter radioactive debris

German coalition ends 36-year cold war
...after being counteracted by global warming

Jolie, Pitt to visit quake-hit Pakistan
...They'll attend a blockbuster of any kind

New Xbox in short supply. gamers want premium unit
...Free time apparently in abundance. gamers need a life

Nations set to feud over global warming
...No one ever agrees where to set the thermostat

Fugitive murder suspect found - on TV
...nightly on any one of a dozen cop shows

In Arctic, evidence for global warming mounts
...in the form of glaciers doing exactly the opposite

Security software rivals chip away at Symantec
...but no big deal since they're only microchips

Vatican rejects sexually active gay priests
...but interstate rest stops aren't so choosey

Airports already busy as Thanksgiving nears
...but many turkeys expected to take a very, very long rest

Iran urges Iraq to seek pullout timetable
...or to use a more effective means of birth control


11/23/05
US border agents play high-tech cat and mouse game
...on their XBoxes instead of doing their job and watching the fence

Scoring tools may help those with weak credit
...as these can be used to crack open safes

Internet attacks target popular programs
...but 'The O.C.' is such an easy mark for ridicule

Tanker fire closes I-95 north of D.C.
...but supplies cheap heat to poor residents nearby

New 'Sober' worm floods email accounts
...but will become increasingly less sober over holidays

'World's Ugliest Dog' dies in California at 14
...World's greatest concentration of plastic surgeons could do little

Nepal teen called reincarnation of Buddha
...as peers mercilessly jeer at his weight problem

Pentagon considers troop cuts in Iraq
...which is pretty much what the insurgency does

Saddam defense team expected to appear
...in caskets over the coming weeks

Harley-Davidson recalls 13,400 motorcycles
...Unfortunately, it's not to have mufflers installed

Ignoring useless information may aid memory
...so skip everything after the ellipsis points on this page

Cruise buys sonogram machine for Holmes
...Idiot.

Xbox 360 shortages prompt eBay bidding war
...which is an expensive computer game of another sort

No 'must-have' item on shopping lists
...except Dani who really, really wants a ring

Online shoppers say criminals won't take holiday
...even though they have loads of vacation time built up

Canada legislator seeks to bar 50 Cent
...or 65 Cent as he is better known over there

New Orleans' Mardi Gras parades to roll on
...or if it rains, maybe they'll float on

Hollywood hopes to reduce movie downloads
...by releasing nothing but crap movies this year


11/24/05
Chronic noise linked to heart attack risk
...so will you kids turn that racket down!

Balloons will fly in Thanksgiving parade
...unless the Fed increases gravity a couple more points

New Orleans planning shorter Mardi Gras
...This time is will be held even further below sea level

Balloon injures two at Macy's Parade
...before being subdued by Ghostbusters at the scene

GIs celebrate third Thanksgiving in Iraq
...Okay, maybe 'celebrate' is overstating things

U.S. nears 1,000th execution since 1977
...but no one wants to compete for this title

Oceans, greenhouse gases are rising faster
...than the price of gasoline in the U.S.

Saddam defense team says ending boycott of trial
...since they wouldn't get paid otherwise, obviously

Poor GameCube sales zap Nintendo
...but they're hoping for a power-up next quarter

Scientists discover singing iceberg in Antarctica
...to compete on 'American Idol' in the fall line-up

Chile's mystery mummies possibly done in by arsenic
...in case cracked by Ms. Marple & Indiana Jones team-up

Ex-FEMA head starts disaster planning firm
...First disaster he'll face: Chapter 11


11/25/05
Abramoff probe broader than thought - WSJ
...It's probably not going to fit without lubricant

Bird flu spreads to far western China
...More commonly known as California

Charlie Daniels project sends music to Iraq
...The Devil went down further than Georgia this time

Court case for 'American Idol' judge postponed
...until November sweeps week to boost ratings

11 new species join endangered list
...if you count the middle class

Iraq FM says pullout will lead to violence
...not that anyone needs an excuse in that country

Satellite images may aid 'CIA prisons' probe
...if anyone can talk UN into subscribing to Direct TV

Iraq a tricky issue for ambitious Democrats
...English is a tricky issue for Texan GOP presidents

Murdoch sees gloomy future for newspapers
...but the rest of the A-Tesm says he's crazy

Retailers say crowds bigger this year
...because they ate too much for Thanksgiving dinner

China bird flu vaccine at least year away
...Of course, it will have migrated by then

Reopened zoo brings New Orleans a hint of normality
...which is a marked departure from the way things were previously

Syria to let UN quiz officials
...for international Jeopardy championship

Firms haggle over video on demand
...Someday we'll be able to demand video on haggle


11/26/05
India balloonist breaks altitude record
...and probably several blood vessels

Some oppose Army's sexual assault database
...but it's too well fortified to be driven back

Ireland rediscovers peat amid high oil prices
...and rediscovers the wheel when drunks are rolled

Alito's abortion stance tough to decipher
...when it is relayed by Bush's speech coach

L.A. hospitals sent homeless to skid row
...and the completely hopeless are sent to Guns 'n' Roses

Yellowstone cutthroat trout numbers down
...Possibly due to their cutthroat tactics with one another

Gary Glitter continues fall from grace
...down two notches on the charts this week to #666

Boston "holiday tree" stirs controversy
...Apparently it's a really big cup of controversy

Satirists find humor in Nick and Jessica split
...I just get nauseous thinking about them, honestly

Apple's iPod nano a holiday hit
...currently outpacing Apple's cider

States study rules for aging motorcyclists
...as many object to elderly gays in leather chaps

Hurricane season ends, but pain remains
...as high humidity aggravates old people's arthritis

2 Washington state inmates still at large
...Though technically this would make them 'outmates'

Sergeants exchange vows via teleconference
...setting stage for decades of hostility to follow


11/27/05
Authorities find unexploded bomb in Tokyo
...or couldn't have found Tokyo if bomb had exploded

Clark arrives to assist Saddam defense
...in the guise of his Super alter ego

German leader vows to intensify U.S. ties
...as most neckwear deemed not loud enough

Warner: Bush should broadcast Iraq updates
...since he has the speaking skills to be a great broadcaster

Egypt's Muslim Brotherhood wins seats
...when older Sisters go away to college

Police rethinking 'always armed' policy
...upon reviewing applications by amputees

Canada confident of progress at climate talks
...as they have experience dealing with hostile climates

Winter brings gloom to Pakistan quake zone
...Come to think of it, winter is redudant in this equation

School programs promote fitness for life
...Prison gyms provide same for simliar terms of incarcertation

Senator urges Bush to explain Iraq war
...Bush pleads no more taxing (his brain)

Iraqi Shiite urges strong hand against insurgents
...though parenting experts say spanking does little good

Iran leader's radicalism angering allies
...Country may soon end up isolated like the US

Some New Orleans students happy elsewhere
...and the rest could not be reached for comment

One in six online Americans sell on Web
...and the rest just give away their pics for free

Parents weigh when kids should get gadgets
...if their birthday happens to fall too close to Christmas


11/28/05
Saddam trial resumes, then is postponed
...Sort of like the first Gulf War that spawned it

Blizzards and tornadoes hit Midwest, Ark.
...as God retaliates for meddling with science curricula

Ex-Powell aide criticizes detainee effort
...saying detainees haven't made much effort to escape

More adolescents turn to cigar smoking
...in desperate attempt to emulate teen idols like George Burns

Govt lacks ways to gauge wins against terrorism
...in Bush's 'No Terrorist Left Behind Enemy Lines' plan

Rock Hall of Fame adds jazz legend Davis, Blondie
...highlighting deperate shortage of actual rock musicians

Study - Longer needles needed for fatter buttocks
...Bigger pants too.  And no more spandex, please?

High debts end the music for some students
...but noise complaints to the cops help as well

Black Sea pipelines look to bypass straits
...and go to gays where lubricant is most needed

Canadian gov't toppled in no-confidence vote
...Unfortunately, the same has no effect in US

'A Charlie Brown Christmas' endures on TV
...but still no subtitles added for the Peanuts' teacher

Social Security may stymie 50-somethings
...especially if that 50-something is the president

Maine lingerie store window has live models
...and a disproportionate number of window shoppers

Merck to cut 7,000 jobs by end of 2008
...by prescribing Vioxx to workers over 50

Sony PlayStation to get parental controls
...when judge rules in bitter custody battle

Saddam trial reveals divisions in Iraq
...Of course, so does the sound of gunfire

U.S. inner cities continue to hemorrhage jobs
...as hemophiliacs apply in record numbers


11/29/05
Bush trying to help Republican candidates
...just not with their speeches, obviously

'Wake-up call' book incurs U.S. backlash
...as Americans want to sleep in this morning

Storm that hit Plains heads to Great Lakes
...to disguise its scent from the trailing US Marshals

Tribe says Abramoff told them to donate
...Ha!  Fooled by the white man again

Vatican defends policy on gay priests
...as quickest way Church can commit suicide

Milestone execution stopped
...as stone wasn't heavy enough to kill condemed

White House says troop reductions should be coming
...since tax cuts ensured we can't pay for many of them

War on terror finance hurt by infighting -report
...More funds needed to combat infighting

Creativity linked to sexual success
...Which is why Mick Jagger won't stop recording

U.S. undecided on strengthening La. levees
...since Katrina left half the city still to be cleared

Kurdish northern Iraq sees economic boom
...No, wait.  That boom was from mortar fire

Monkeys 'speak' with accents - researchers
...As you might have guessed, they are distinctly Southern

Army aims to coax back former troops
...though in many cases this would require a witch doctor

Highest U.S. wages in East, lowest in South
...Oz's most wicked witches in the West

Jerry Garcia's appliances to be auctioned
...obviously he didn't use a smoke detector

Vatican publishes views on gay priests
...Specifically, which ones they think are hot

U.S. durable goods orders rebound in Oct.
...Rubber expected to rebound sharply after decline

Fox signs Simon Cowell to long-term deal
...to drive down network's inflated ratings

Snowstorm knocks out power across Plains
...Now they'll be even plainer without xmas lights

Defense adviser: Saddam in good spirits
...after council brought in 50 year-old scotch

Stress may raise cholesterol in some people
...who munch on butter when they're nervous

Bush: Leaving Iraq would be a mistake
...and he's already way over his quota

Regulators raise mortgage limit to $417,000
...in case someone wants to buy three houses like mine

Protesters force Blair to change speech venue
...but English teachers can't do same for Bush

Rumsfeld avoids 'insurgent' when talking Iraq
...prefering instead to refer to them as 'heathens'


11/30/05
Pilots complain about Cheney's airspace
...and demand he try using some mouthwash

Bush unveils new Iraq strategy document
...but it's 20 points off for being turned in late

Hurricane season finally ending
...just when it was really getting on a roll

Sharp objects may be allowed on planes
...in case stewardess' egos block the aisles

Huge scorpion's fossil tracks found in Scotland
...being forcibly dragged into Loch Ness

French woman has first partial face transplant
...since Michael Jackson's sex change into a French woman

Private investors crowded out as hedge funds grow
...Private investigators crowded out by vengeful husbands

Bush pitches war strategy
...where it belongs: right out the window

Alito pushed abortion fight under Reagan
...[Punchline not required]


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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