The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.


10/1/05
U.S. launches offensive in Iraqi village
...Admittedly, their very presence is found offensive

Prosecutor quiet after Miller's testimony
...Ironically, that's what got Miller thrown in jail

Hawaii creates state marine refuge
...exactly the opposite of what Iraq is presently

American Idol Fantasia reveals she's illiterate
...by showing up to the audition in the first place

U.S. forces conduct sweep of Iraqi village
...because there's just so much damned sand there!

'Nanotubes' may deliver drugs to targeted cells
...in thirty nanoseconds or your prescription is free

'Minutemen' step up patrols on U.S. border
...to keep out people who take longer than a minute with their wives

High court set to tackle contentious cases
...and inject them with tranquilizers

Hawaii creates state marine refuge
...exactly the opposite of what Iraq is presently

Residents flee El Salvador volcanic blast
...Bush promises action against terrorist volcanos

Scientists discover 10th planet's moon
...by catching it with its pants down

Tom DeLay's lawyer has beaten DA before
...but DA is really into the whole leather scene

Russia-US crew and tourist blast off into space
...in 21st century updated version of 'Gilligan's Island'

Microsoft plans cheaper Windows version for India
...as a means of repayment for all the tech support calls

Sony pulls "Jesus" advert for PlayStation
...after objections from satanists

Colorado moose tests for chronic wasting disease
...brought on by wanting to look like Calista Flockhart


10/2/05
New bans show China's technology fears
...as they think cameras could steal their souls

Bali bombing suspects linked to al-Qaida
...Suggestion: Link all members to bombs and detonate them

Commander: Southeast La. still in crisis
...since signing of the Emancipation Proclamation

Newspaper stands by Iran oil-threat story
... since gas costs too much to get away from it

Pope opens meeting of world's bishops
...Topic: 'How to pick up altar boys'

Foster's 'Flightplan' retains top box office spot
...at 10,000 feet above the competition

Video shows Bali bomber just before blast
...Splatter pattern on walls show him afterwards

Seattle considers banning lap dances
...to make the city less popular 10 years after 'grunge'

Reported 10th planet Xena has moon named Gabrielle
...by lesbian barbarian astronomers

Construction played role in hurricane damage
...reads most paradoxical headline of the week


10/3/05
Seats slid to one side before N.Y. boat flipped
...foreshadowing the future of the Supreme Court

La. residents embrace tasks of normal life
...like removing 6 inches of sludge from living rooms

Gyms vie for business of over-55 crowd
...by installing defibrilators in all treadmills

Plan to display Confederate flag criticized
...by everyone with 23 pairs of chromosomes

Study: Hollywood promotes unhealthy lifestyle
...by encouraging people to spy behind enemy lines

Spears holds auction to help storm victims
...Up for sale: Her remaining 15 seconds of fame

Ten Commandments judge to run for Alabama governor
...while ailing Moses steps down as president of the NRA

Man ordered to keep away from actress Pam Anderson
...but defense argues her breasts keep invading more space

Beyonce quashes marriage rumor in Vanity Fair
...since she apparently isn't accepting my proposal

Electronic Arts unveils games for Xbox 360 launch
...also known as virginity preservatives

Copper users eye plastics to cut costs
...even though it doesn't keep a sharp edge

High hurricane activity foreseen in Oct.
...in amateur video of hurricanes smoking crack

Study: Obesity can arise later in life
...and thanks to Viagra, that's not the only thing

Court nominee has no judicial experience
...just as president has no experience with intelligence

Arab world jittery on eve of Ramadan
...Rest of world still jittery around Arabs

Bush taps W. House counsel Miers for court
...and taps keg to wash down pretzels this time

High court nominee has never been a judge
...unlike FEMA head who was actually a disaster

GM and Ford sales tumble in September
...Fortunately, they had roll bars installed

U.S. millionaire welcomed at space station
...where astronauts are hoping for big tips

Cardinal reaffirms celibacy rule for priests
...in early April Fool's Day pronouncement

Hugh Hefner says he has Puritan roots
…but his hairdresser does a good job of hiding them


10/4/05
2005 energy crunch reminiscent of 1970s
...while administration reminiscent of 1870s

Doctors warn about toddlers' 'grown-up' diets
...of beer and pretzels

Capsized tour boat was a crew member short
...of a full deck?

Ray Romano hasn't retired from 'standup'
...in spite of fact that clearly nobody loves Raymond

Hurricane Stan hits Mexico's Gulf Coast
...but the two hope to work out their differences

Miers seeks to ease concerns by edgy Republicans
...by pushing them over the right edge of the political landscape

Bush wants right to use military if bird flu hits
...to shoot the infected in absence of health care

Match up live kidney donors, researcher urges
...but eBay says they don't need the money that badly

Panel IDs 17,000 Srebrenica participants
...in international spelling bee competitions

Mayor of New Orleans announces layoffs
...from makeshift life rafts


10/5/05
Supreme Court to revisit assisted suicide
...to open more seats to new justices

O'Connor named chancellor at Va. college
...in spite of controversial 1992 SNL appearance

'Beowulf' turned into modern rock opera
...guaranteed to attract only the most pretentious

Partisans press case on assisted suicide
...Bad news: Case contains intraveneous KCl solution

DeLay, successor Blunt swapped donations
...as money laundering goes into spin cycle

Groups seek help for elderly in disasters
...Scouts hired to help them cross raging rivers

Three share Nobel Prize in chemistry
...since it can't be subdivided into smaller units

Eminem files suit over cellular ring tones
...for upsetting his monopoly on obnoxious moises

Economy gets another inflation warning
...after moving to the last hole on its belt

Researchers reconstruct 1918 flu virus
...but remakes are never as exciting as the original

Incoming DaimlerChrysler CEO's wife fined
...for coming in ten miles an hour over the limit

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes expecting child
...to inherit genes for gullibility and bad acting

Lindsay Lohan blames paparazzi for car crash
...but her car Herbie has no comment at this time

Bush: U.S. to stay on offense in Iraq
...and continue to be offensive to rest of world

Women may hold balance in Afghan assembly
...unless they're startled and topple over

Ig Nobel awards to honor strange science
...while Bush continues to promote it


10/6/05
TV shows extend branding to clothing lines
...Hot irons prepared to brand reality tv contestants

Web site reveals secret lives of ants
...as well as your some of your kinky neighbors

Iraqis get copies of draft constitution
...to compare taste with bottled version

NYC boosts subway security after threat
...that Jared is off his diet again

Bush: More sacrifice needed in war on terror
...so he's offering two goats and a dove on a pyre

Low retail sales suggest consumer anxiety
...that keeps them at home away from other shoppers

Tammy brings heavy rain, gusts to Georgia
...fanned by her huge fake eyelashes

EU official questions need for long vacations
...by U.S. president Bush in the middle of a 'war'

Bush: Radicals seek to intimidate world
...by invading oil-rich countries in God's name

TV tower wires kill 400 birds in one night
...by broadcasting marathon of Sopranos reruns

Martha Stewart to participate in pumpkin race
...so long as she doesn't race across any state lines

New Orleans restaurants return to business
...of damming up locals' arteries

North Korea insists on reactor from U.S.
...Dems want to send him highly reactive president

'Batman' house escapes damage in Calif. fire
...by using batarang to rappel up cliff to safety

Actor Benjamin Bratt, wife have baby boy
...to be referred to henceforth as 'the little Bratt'

Chess boxing tests brain and brawn in Berlin
...while yielding copious data for head trauma researchers

NYC increases subway security after threat
...of influx of folk musicians

Gov't hurricane tab may be below $150B
...so at that price, Bush may order another

Bush: U.S. foiled at least 10 terror plots
....and maybe more, but he's out of fingers

Ford questions truck-car impact standards
...based on years of monster truck rallies

Sea otters could return to Southern Calif.
...if they can get forged green cards cheaply


10/7/05
Business optimism declines among CEOs
...who can't accomplish much from their cells

Russia launches collapsible mini-spacecraft
...to be funded by its ever-collapsing economy

California school to test teens for drinking
...since that's the one subject where they excel

London developers plan sexual 'theme park'
...to rival Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch

Bush: NYC acted alone in unveiling threat
...UN: Bush acted alone in threatening Iraq

Poland race seen as ending Communist era
...Coincidentally, Nazi era sought to end a race in Poland

Reporter turns over notes in CIA leak case
...since he didn't want to give up his attache case

FDA adviser resigns over Plan B handling
...Apparently, Plan A was the first straw

Key Merck witness struck from Vioxx trial
...by complications from heart disease while on Vioxx

Bush predicts Miers confirmation
...with help from Nancy Reagan's astrologer

Boy George arrested in New York on drug charges
...Singer claims he wasn't looking for that kind of hit

Hurricanes cause Peru Amazon waters to fall-report
...Yes, hurricanes cause waters to fall from the sky, duh!

Croats donate blood to see key soccer game
...Blood extracted from noses broken by soccer holligans

NYC mayor defends publicizing threat
...saying that it eased overcrowded subways


10/8/05
Nuclear industry confident in energy debate
...since they can better threaten their opposition

Wives battle for votes in Argentina election
...They kept their promise; don't keep your distance (from the polls)

Computer hackers fiercer than ever - FBI
...even though they were pushovers in high school

Memo: NYC attack was scheduled for Sunday
...but terrorists demanded the day off

Little truth found behind national stereotypes
...after rude Germans force Jap kids to run the numbers

Quake kills more than 3,000 in South Asia
...'Quake: Arena' kills social lives of countless teens

More Americans moving into path of hurricanes
...after following Tom Cruise's advice regarding SSRIs

New York subway threat seen for Sunday
...with scattered chances of showers of body parts

Anti-fur group cream pies American Vogue's Wintour
...as models have rare close encounter with sweets


10/9/05
Nations hail project to destroy nuclear fuel
...Only problem: process results in giant chain reaction

Nagin hopes casinos will attract tourists
...as if living below sea level wasn't enough of a gamble

Miers to face questions on qualifications
...Bigfoot, and other mythological creatures

At 30, Microsoft grapples with growing up
...but Bill says not ready for contacts or a haircut

Some rabbis criticize new Madonna song
...whereas the rest don't believe in her

World rushes to help Asian quake nations
...Meanwhile post-Katrina N.O. still waiting for FEMA

Turkey, Romania kill poultry to stop bird flu spread
...[I can't compete with reality on this one]

New Orleans police beating caught on tape
...so viewers could fast-forward through commercials

Clinton inducted into women's hall of fame
...'Heh, heh,' say Beavis and Butthead

Inflation fears may overshadow earnings
...of anorexic and bullemic supermodels

Rescuers try to reach Asia quake survivors
...but they're just too short*

*(Dani thought this was awful)


10/10/05
New Orleans cops charged in taped beating
...for not returning it to Blockbuster before midnight

Rice to hammer out Iran strategy with UK, France
...Bush to remain hammered as always

Britney Spears pulls costume bra from eBay auction
...resulting in indecent exposure!

IBM won't use genetic info for hiring, benefits
...just for selective breeding programs among employees

Amazon rainforest suffers worst drought in decades
...thus changing name to Amazon dryforest

Health problem forces Martz to leave Rams
...at the rural vetrinarian's clinic

U.S. blocks U.N. briefing on Sudan atrocities
...because they'll make us look good by comparison

Prize pumpkin weighs in at 1,229 pounds
...Matching gourd sought to serve as other implant for Pam

Trojans head for showdown at Notre Dame
...[I can't get past the first two words here]


10/11/05
Bush vows locals will lead Gulf rebuilding
...since they are anything but leaders in education

U.N. warns of disease in Asia quake zone
...that causes unexplained tremors

'Wallace & Gromit' archive ruined in fire
...when goofy characters bungle another experiment

U.S. apologizes for WWII 'Gold Train'
...but not to Southerners for 'Soul Train'

Cholesterol levels fall in older Americans
...but operator says, 'Help is on the way, Mrs. Fletcher'

Addicts' own stories confirm neuroscience
...Creationists' failure to evolve disproves evolution

Pakistan quake victims scuffle for aid
...in cruel scuffling contest by Red Cross

DeLay lawyers subpoena prosecuting D.A.
...as if he wouldn't already be at their client's trial

Feathered dinosaur exhibit sparks controversy
...as conservatives decry existence of gay tyranosaurs

U.N. seeks to speed up bird flu vaccine
...by using hollow bones to make it lighter

Man beaten, arrested by NOPD revisits scene
...thus establishing guilt by following adage about criminals

Prosecutor asks NYT reporter to testify again
...even though they can't let her out of jail twice

US report hits China on rights, religion
...Actually, that's impossible since they have neither

Bush tries to move beyond criticism over Katrina
...but had similar difficulty moving on beyond 2nd grade

Microsoft to pay RealNetworks $761 mln
...in charges for streaming XXX web videos

Three Alaska volcanoes showing signs of unrest
...after their decaf was replaced with espresso

Lawmakers call for morning-after pill approval
...with distressed tone after condoms break the night before

Burglar, scared by corpse, phones police
...though this could be funnier if it was any other way around

Hurricanes spark real estate boom along Gulf Coast
...Real estate 'boom' resulted in debris along Gulf Coast

Apple has sales shortfall, shares fall
...thus no windfall this fall


10/12/05
Vets find dog flu cases are exaggerated
...in other words their bark is worse than their bite

Hurricane victims' home built in seven days
...Ironically, it was destroyed by an 'act of God'

TV Guide unveils full-color, larger format
...and on an inexpensive flat panel, no less!

Iraqi politicians reach deal on amendments
...They're getting ours for a songs since we don't use them

Archdiocese frees info from clergy files
...after abusing it for years

Al-Qaida No. 2: Get set to fill Iraq void
...On 2nd thought, just flush No. 2 down void

Van Gogh drawings to be exhibited in NYC
...to encourage starving artists to cut off their ears

Natural gas users to take hit this winter
...while redneck teens take hit from butane lighters

Al-Qaida No. 2: U.S. 'ran' from Vietnam
...Vietnamese food frequently give No. 2 the runs

Himalayan winter threatens quake survivors
...but lawyers may not reach them in time to take the case

UNICEF bombs Smurfs to highlight plight
...of Saturday morning cartoon cancelations

Syria says interior minister committed suicide
...instead of falling down some steps like in original story

Africa's women politicians gaining ground
...as drought ensures there's nothing left but ground

Man arrested on charges of stealing jet
...after being pulled over doing Mach 1 on the Gulf Stream

Yankees coach fires salvo at team owner
...Owner then just plain fires coach

NOPD lawyer: Tape doesn't tell whole tale
...You'll have to rent the DVD to get the extras

'Chewbacca' actor to become U.S. citizen
...after having sought asylum from the Empire

Bush defends Miers nomination, noting her religion
...I.e., Being a fundamentalist = qualified for Bush

US top court hears whistle-blower case
...from across the hall even with the door closed

Man coughs up screw after operation
...that was apparently screwed up by doctors
or
...Lawer for man says doctors are screwed now

U.S. welcomes Iraq constitution compromise
...after U.S. compromised its own to invade Iraq

California court hears gay fertility case
...first reported by the Weekly World News

Irish confident despite past losses to USC
...Fun fact: Irish confident despite centuries of history


10/13/05
Government urged to back science education
...instead of taking it back to the 14th century

Steady rain lingers in Northeast
...in spite of posting of 'no loitering' signs

Sound sleepers may have genes to thank
...for causing their poor hearing

Bush teleconference with soldiers was staged
...as was everything else about the war except the deaths

ABC News draws fire for use of interns
...President Clinton to report on impeachment of anchors

Bankruptcy filings soar before law takes effect
...Most other things soar while law of gravity is suspended

Aspiring exorcists attend Vatican university
...[I can't decide if this is hilarious or very, very sad]

Drug agents can't keep up with pot growers
...I mean, they only have two lungs to work with

Somalia PM seeks patrols to fend off pirates
...before country's supply of rum is depleted

Big stars born near Milky Way's black hole
...surrounded by orbitting band of unscrupulous agents

Beethoven manuscript found after 115 years
...just to give you an idea how much of a mess his place was

Bono dissociates himself from fundraising
...following dissociation from decent music for last decade

Report cites insurgent infiltration of Iraqi police
...as increasing number find their way into prisons


10/14/05
Iraq insurgents attack Sunni party office
...since fundamentalists can't stand parties

Rove makes fourth grand jury appearance
…Show held over due to unprecedented demand

Full New Orleans police beating video released
...with directors' commentary, cast bios, and publicity stills

Chinese astronauts orbit Earth for third day
...in search of address to deliver takeout order

New Orleans pushes back curfew to 2 a.m.
...so high schoolers will get at least some sleep

Rove spends hours before grand jury
...fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror

Northeast under flood warnings
...soon to simply be under flood waters

Daniel Craig named as first blond Bond
...Dum, dum, dum, dum... dum, dum, dum

Remains of Star Trek's 'Scotty' headed for space
...to rendezvous with Crispin Glover

2005 set to be second hottest year on record
...First was 2003 when Madonna kissed Britany

Landmark New Orleans cafe set to reopen
...but the beignets are still a little soggy

New helmets monitor football concussions
..and thus are smarter than the players wearing them


10/15/05
Big, fast-growing babies face later obesity risk
...while their mother's face chiropractors monthly

No date set for next shuttle flights - NASA
...which makes things difficult for travel agents

Big Easy bar owners bemoan 2 a.m. curfew
...since most livers don't slow down until 3am

Nazi march sparks violence in Ohio
...when populace is frightened vy walking anachronisms

Bush says U.S. "will not run" from Iraq
...In fact, we'll run it for the next few decades

African-Americans rally for self help in Washington
...before paradox police point out you can't give 'self help'

Bird flu virus shows signs of evading newest drug
...by turning into back alleys with its headlights turned off


10/16/05
Bishops urge dioceses to boost recruiting
...as number of untraumatized altar boys peaks

Big Easy bar owners complain about curfew
...keeping them from meeting up with mistresses

Bigfoot conference in Texas draws hundreds
...but low turnout again to this year's missing persons convention

Police: Ohio riot was worse than expected
...Forecasters predicted only scattered chances of mild riots

'God bloggers' head to national conference
...to combat God's shift into other more visible media

Ricky Martin says fame left him bored
...Wait, who?

Neighbors: Neo-Nazis had no right to march
...April, or any other month since May of 1945

Cell phone use changes life in Africa
...so millions can complain about the heat

Horror remake 'The Fog' spooks box office at No. 1
...The scarriest thing is that they actually remade this crap


10/17/05
Patriots doctors clear Bruschi's return
...as repeat injuries equal return business

Idaho reports nine brain-wasting disease cases
...in up-coming election for state representative

Wilma ties Atlantic hurricane season record
...an early sign she could be voted into Hall of Fame

Automakers still rely on 'extreme' road tests
...to manage stress levels instead of shooting bosses

Forecast models disagree on Wilma's track
...since she defies reason by not leaving Fred

Studies show new ways to get stem cells
...including mail order over the internet

Bigfoot conference in Texas draws hundreds
...of barbers looking for business

Greece tests turkey for deadly bird flu strain
...Turkey to be fried in hot Greece to sterilize it

Win for tobacco as Supreme court rejects appeal
...though most admit smokers aren't very appealing

Palm, RIM, team up on e-mail
...and flood the inboxes of their ex-girlfriends

Antarctic ice melts as sea warms but cause unknown
...though experts suspect this may be due to heat

Oranges battle bananas in Kenyan charter campaign
...after unfair comparisons to apples


10/18/05
EU clears pain drugs after safety concerns
...Liver clears alcohol in those with no concerns

Iraq election commission checking ballots
...for fuses

Inaccurate info may help CIA leak probe
...sort of like that whole Iraq WMD thing

Miers mum on opinion regarding Roe v. Wade
...Okay now 'mum' is just the wrong word to use here

Tropical Storm stalls in the Caribbean
...after getting water in its engine

Zoo animals baffled by post-Katrina life
...Note: Zoo animals also baffled by shiny objects

Rumsfeld: China understating its military
...by dressing them in really drab uniforms

Scientists study gorilla who uses tools
...as basis of new sitcom

Some currency investors debate bird flu mutation
...as do creationists while the band plays on

Saddam lawyer to seek 3-month adjournment
...after 1st Pres. Bush gave him ten years free

Hurricane Wilma strengthens; Fla. gets set
...Later: Hurricane arrives; Fla. gets wet

Iraq election commission checking ballots
...by asking them to turn heads and cough

Mass. dam on swollen river deteriorates
...but no one gives a dam

Groups sue to overturn video game curbs
...by using a power-up to flip curbs over enemies

Iraqi court to open Saddam trial Wednesday
...in hopes of cashing in on religious holiday weekend

Wilma now a hurricane, may threaten Fla.
...Atmospheric power always corrupts atmospherically

Veteran rock artists still viable as concert draw
...to fill comedy concert void once filled by Eddie Murphy

Iran wants Saddam charged for 1980-88 war
...but bankruptcy lawyers don't think he can cover it

College students increasingly rely on loans
...to keep up their amphetamine habits


10/19/05
Life's building blocks 'abundant in space'
...but difficult to import due to

Rumsfeld: China sending 'mixed signals'
...Her lips say no, but that short skirt says something else

Saddam pleads innocent to murder, torture
...but most hope that's what he'll be sentenced to

Australia builds world's largest sheep database
...to wrest market share from competing match.com

Scholars argue if Shakespeare penned plays
...or if he copied over someone's shoulder in English

Defiant Saddam pleads not guilty
...Note: Defiant pleading is an oxymoron to see

Bush hosts Bono at the White House
...to ask him how Cher was in bed

MTV puts off Latin awards in fear of huge hurricane
...to be drunk by Tara Reid

Governments should plan more for disasters -report
...instead of causing them in other countries

Senate panel OKs oil drilling in Arctic refuge
...in breakthrough deal with Satan

Most airlines agree to step up water monitoring
...to determine why it's so blue in the plane's toilets

Fowl play suspected in theater abduction
...but Ms. Marple should solve it by third act

China offers nuclear assurance to Rumsfeld
...'You can't wipe us out. We outnumber cockroaches.'

Babies, toddlers don't sleep enough - survey
...for parents to make siblings for them

Farmers feel crunch as fertilizer costs soar
...Many can't even afford enough to build truck bombs


10/20/05
Rove, Libby discussed CIA operative
...and disgusted a lot of other women

Israel's ties with Muslim nations on upswing
...as Muslims try to hang Jews them from them

Air inside cars may be worse than outside
...if you recently passed through a Taco Bell drive thru

Hurricane Wilma's outer edge hits Cancun
...when Wilma tailgates and Cancun stops short

Chavez says U.S. planning Venezuela invasion
...but Bush explains he never plans anything

Block of rare stamps sells for record $2.7M
...as USPS increases rates yet again

US tries to limit damage from Taliban body burning
...but no fire extinguishers were on hand in time

Astrologer wrong on the big prediction
...and all the little ones too.  Duh

Depression, hunger stalk tsunami survivors
...since the other horsemen weren't available

World Bank unit sees Mideast growth opportunities
...just need to add water (if there was any there)

Study: Early retirement not linked to longer life
...when 'retirements' of wiseguys were factored into study

Dems hope angry voters mean '06 comeback
...of valium to calm their nerves

FDA approves brain stem cell transplant
...Meanwhile GWB gets by with just a brain stem

Neverland may no longer be Jackson's home
...if Capt. Hook gets his way


10/21/05
Wilma slams into Mexico's beach resorts
...after getting loaded on dollar shots

White House backs ban on some abortions
...'Some' = 'anyone but black babies'

Trump blames Stewart for ratings slide
...Next up: She's fired

White House defense shaky in CIA leak case
...also shaky upon not having daily case of Heiniken

Afghanistan's Karzai condemns Taliban body burning
...as incompatible with Kyoto clean air treaty

Police destroy package near Capitol
...Clinton's package almost destroyed Oval Office

Bush calls UN report on Hariri "deeply disturbing"
...thanks to contributions from Stephen King

Fiona Apple's sister stars in NY cabaret revival
...Translation: This is the slowest news day on record

Senate stem cell vote to wait until 2006
...by which time the cells will have fully gestated

Asthma hospitalizations in kids often preventable
...Kids often preventable with a little condom sense

Job strain may be hard on young men's arteries
...[This headline was flagged by my gay porn filter]

Golf scores soar as strong winds play havoc
...Many wish to learn rules to joining in playing havoc

S.F.-area mother had threatened kids - family
...so she seemed just like any perfectly normal mother

New diabetes pill deemed dangerous - study
...Also dangerous to diabetics: Sugar pills

First-person-shooter feel sets 'Doom' film apart
...as best reason to stay home and play your PC instead

'FEMA village' of trailers wary of Wilma
...since she's always been trailer park trash

Spirit rover descends from Martian hilltop
...with 10 commandments in FORTRAN

Debris from Katrina may help fight erosion
...of everything except the environment

The Beatles dubbed top icon of the century
...Proving conclusively they're bigger than Jesus

Hurricane Wilma tears into Mexican resorts
...in search of that cheating husband of hers


10/22/05
Planets might still succeed when stars fail
...to raise money for AIDS research

India to let Pakistan victims into Kashmir
...sweaters with which to keep warm

Teams seek to recreate Archimedes' feat
...Teams of doctors to recreate Achilles' heel

Saints owner: No plan for San Antonio move
...since defense couldn't prevent a tackle if they moved

New Orleans home market uncertain
...as many want yards large enough to accomodate arks

Miers supported affirmative action: paper
...so Supreme Court would have two woman quota

Possible cover-up a focus in CIA leak case: lawyers
...I remember having to cover-up a leak when I was very young

RadioShack CEO sees brighter days ahead
...since he can get higher wattage bulbs wholesale

Calif. paper drops foreign language editions
...into the bottom of bird cages

Biggio, Bagwell finally get shot at World Series
...Better headline reads: 'Bush finally gets shot at'


10/23/05
New Orleans, Pakistan united in misery
...Sort of like Liza and David Gest for a while there

Drug makers rethinking ad campaigns
...Drug takers rethinking bad jam bands

Storm still punishing Mexican coastline
...for women over 40 wearing that to the beach

Aftershock shakes Pakistan quake zone
...when Starr Jones makes exploitive visits

Documentary premiere a nail-biter for Madonna
...Yeah, like she's suddenly worried about over-exposure

Looting breaks out in Mexico after hurricane
...Hundreds of pinatas presently unaccounted for

'Doom' No. 1 in another slow movie weekend
...Other notable slow movies include the 'Ernest' series

Dead British parrot had deadly H5N1 bird flu
...but Python shop keeper contends he's just sleeping

U.S. prison population continued to grow in 2004
...thanks to all the sex with guards in Showtime movies

Miller keeps smiling despite being beaten
...even though we can see she's missing some teeth

Plastic not fantastic: US card industry in revolt
...Correction: Greeting card industry is revolting

Soaring energy costs to hit dirty laundry baskets
...so at least their fall will be cushioned since mine are overflowing


10/24/05
James Taylor tapped for humanitarian honor
...He's also been tapped as a songwriter since 1975

Donor nations drag feet on bird flu aid: UN
...possibly because they're pigeon toed

Bush says won't release papers on court pick Miers
...because they're wet from mopping up CIA leaks

Wilma pummels Florida
...on way to challenge for the title

John Lennon's peace anthem lyrics set for auction
...in effort to apraise the ellusive price of peace

Tourist charged for bathing naked
...but costs covered by price of admission

'Sopranos' stars shooting indie mob movie
...Definition of 'shooting' leaks to confusion, injuries

Civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks dead at 92
...I wonder if she'll object to being in the back of the hearse?

New bird flu cases in European Russia
...probably carried by Faberge eggs

Smoking can lower IQ, thinking ability - study
...but you're already at a disadvantage if you start

Wilma's force surprises Keys residents
…since its midichlorian count exceeds even Master Yoda’s

Centenarians increase in age and numbers
...the later being due to their high fertility, of course

Alternative weekly giant buys Village Voice
...just when you thought it couldn't get more alternative

Disney to encrypt Oscar screener DVDs
...not that the menus aren't cryptic enough already


10/25/05
H&M replaces Kate Moss with Italian model
...whose drug use doesn't demand higher shutter speeds

Wilma leaves 6M without power in Florida
...the most since the 2000 election

Afghan civil servants deride salary hike
...but the alterative is worse: A desert hike

Jackson returns antiques to settle lawsuit
...Antiques?  Sounds like someone's overcompensating

British film industry struggles over costs
...of coffee required to stay awake through them

Consumer confidence unexpectedly falls
...but help is on the way, Mrs. Fletcher

Suspect bomb parts at airport were toy
...'My First Bomb-making Kit' new from Fisher Price

Carolla, Roth among Stern replacements
...We need Stern replacements like we need tumor replacements

Negotiators on torture bill feeling pressure
...of thumb screws

McDonald's plans nutrition info on packages
...since such low numbers require almost no ink

White Sox lack television allure of Red Sox
...unless you adjust your set's contrast pretty intensely

Parks' legacy challenges new generation
...to remember the days of public transportation

Half of world's coral reefs could be destroyed
...to stock gift shops with colorful paper weights

Pentagon nominee aims for more positive Iraq stories
...You know, ones where we blew them up and not vice versa

Bush: Iraq war will require more sacrifice
...His god calls for two more goats for bountiful battles

White House rallies behind Cheney
...in effort to scare him into another heart attack

Cell phone sales increasing: surveys
...say phone surveyers who called people with cell phones

Microsoft head says still "driven" to improve computer tech
...but it's more lucrative to sell patches for his own flawed software

Biodiversity may help slow disease spread-experts
...but Bush still going ahead with plans for Fourth Reich

McDonald's to put fat content on wrappers
...as if they didn't feel greasy already
or
...instead of on your hips

Wal-Mart vows changes in health care, environment
...so they're marking them down for quick clearance

Court enforces letter of the law
...Which one?  There are three!

Haggard tourists battle to leave Cancun
...by competing in drinking games

Some in FBI skirt oversight of surveillance
...Some surveillance used to sight under skirts

CIA leak investigators close to end of probe
...Any closer and they would need lubricant


10/26/05
House panel wrestles with analog TV cutoff
...but most still can't program their VCRs either

Rove wields power and stirs controversy
...into fantastic mixed drinks for the holidays

Scientists complete map of human genetic variation
...It's called the internet.  It scares me too.

Dollar may slide on White House staff indictments
...Collection of dollars may slide under tables as well

Toy execs look to offset global inflationary pressures
...with stress-reducing round of office nerf football

Gov. Bush takes blame for Wilma aid delays
...Since it's more than 30 minutes, he has to pay for it

Kansas museum opens evolution exhibit
...Other exhibitions of evolution: Your genes

New passports will have high-tech features
...unlike many countries you might visit with it

EU eying Danish labor market model
...and looking for cream cheese to top it with

Democrat to decide DeLay's trial motion
...I'm guessing the answer is 'down'

Galapagos volcano erupts for third day
...indicating this is due to more than a 24 hour virus

Long lines plague Wilma-ravaged Florida
...and most other times at Disney World

Rosa Parks' bus draped in black as tribute
...in spite of negative effect on its gas mileage

New Bond film to reveal character's origin
...when Darth Vader reveals he is his father

GOP cuts student loans, other programs
...in order to cover cost of bribes in Rove investigation

Sudan ex-rebels still mistrust northern Arabs
...just like the entire western world

Gov. Bush takes blame for slow Wilma aid
...but his parents deny culpability for slow brother


10/27/05
Israel wants Iran expelled from U.N.
...for putting gum in its hair on the playground

Miers to get 2nd chance to bolster case
...when friendly flight attendant offers to help

Most Halloween candy fears are hoaxes
...but the calories are very, very real

Possible fraud seen in Iraq contracts - report
...for example, the justification for them

No announcement today in CIA leak probe
...So this is good news by virtue of it not being news

Exxon Mobil sets new record for profit
...Not uncoincidentally, a new record for greed

Bush abandons push for Miers nomination
...He'll deliver a judge by caesarian instead

Head of New Orleans' levee board quits
...weeks after levees themselves give up

Arab states silent on Iran's Israel remarks
...If you can't say anything nice, then, well...

Mars to swing close to Earth this weekend
...May return the favor by throwing stuff back at us

Florida bill aims to curb violent video game sales
...by proposing all teenage boys be grounded

Heavy drinking may harm male hormones, sperm
...and the consequences of these things in combination

Handsome men have edge in election wins: study
...provided their looks don't get them a scandal

Yale bans drinking games for Harvard game
...because this is required with the best and brightest

Cities reserve bus seats to honor Rosa Parks
...but few expect her to show up and claim any

Suicide mistaken for Halloween decoration
...when Martha Stewart is fired by the Donald


10/28/05
France making headway in social reform
...Stocks rise sharply for neglected guillotine industry

Bush makes post-Wilma visit in Florida
...to view act of God to support intelligent design

Smoking ban debate heats up in Britain
...to the point that lighters aren't required

Interest in Samurai movies seen booming
...despite the fact that their subjects predate gunpower

Maintenance work to silence London's Big Ben
...Bush orders similar 'maintenance' on reporters

Musicians may strike during Rockette show
...Counter-musician task force assigned to protect Radio City

New court nominee expected within days
...Sooner if he didn't travel by horse and buggy

Delta to eliminate discount carrier Song
...Apparently this was not the Song that Never Ends

Beta on track to be 13th hurricane of season
...but VHS will really take the world by storm

Avalanche fans vent wrath at Todd Bertuzzi
...but quietly so as not to trigger another avalance

TV ratings for World Series are lowest ever
...'There was a World Series?' ask confused populace

U.N. report draws pledges to investigate
...in misguided effort by pledges to rush fraternities

Exxon-Mobil employees given fake flu shots
...as doctors try to recoup on fake gas prices

Profits likely won't mean new oil refineries
...just more refined dining by fat OPEC execs

FDA delays decision on inhalable insulin
...Diabetics told not to hold their breath in anticipation

Bush looks for new Supreme Court nominee
...Some hope he has better luck than in finding WMDs

US invites UN torture investigator to Guantanamo
...where he will never be heard from again (except his screams)

WHO urges protective clothing for poultry workers
...but union refuses to wear chicken suits

Rebels seek catchy new anthem..
...and thus reject submission by Stephen Sondheim

Philadelphia transit union walks out on talks
...They would have rode the bus out, but ...you know

Iraqis submit candidate list for elections
...Doctors try to match their organs to recipients

Rosa Parks to lie in honor in Capitol Rotunda
...Bush to lie with dishonor not very far away

Dam still threatens health of Colorado River
...but HMOs won't let surgeons perform a bypass

Bush stresses Libby is presumed innocent
...by absolutely no one with more than a 3rd grade education

Prosecutor subpoenas MoveOn.org director
...Director expected to move on over the border


10/29/05
Cheney adviser resigns after indictment
...Better plan: Resign before abusing power

Mel Gibson to shoot film in Mayan language
...reads court petition to have him institutionalized

FDA warns cherry industry on health claims
...as abstinence-only sex ed results in higher teen pregnancies

Harry Potter's flying car stolen from studio lot
...is currently being tracked over northern Scotland

Storm Beta upgraded into a hurricane
...All are encouraged to download security patch

Program will tackle obesity in minority kids
...while computer programs result in obesity in white kids

Nanotechnology advocate Smalley dies at 62
...What are the odds of a nanotech guy named Smalley?

Bush likely to pick judge as court nominee
...in a novel move by an unprecidented idiot

Rapper The Game arrested at N.C. mall
...Monopoly the game purchased at same mall

U.S. to pull 7,000 Marines from Okinawa base
...just to show up David Copperfield and his rabbit

Taiwan turns to wind power for energy needs
...to capitalize on flatulence from their diet

Daylight-saving time comes to end in U.S.
...as high fuel prices force the sun to cut back

Thousands mourn Rosa Parks
...and look to successor to save their seat

'Odd Couple' musical opens to mixed reviews
...Oscar thinks it's great; Felix says turn that noise down!


10/30/05
Schwarzenegger varies campaign messages
...between comically nonsensical and completely unintelligible

Bush, Cheney urged to apologize for aides
...Confused president tries to put blame on the gays

Gerard Depardieu reportedly ends film career
...to the sorrow of absolutely no one

India readies for festivals, police hunt bombers
...in unusual new event with questionable appeal

Firefighters capture python in shop near Paris
...Python to be mated with fire hose for stylish pattern

Italy environment minister floats nuclear option
...on a gondola though the canals of Venice

Culture war focuses on intelligent design
...lagging mere centuries behind science


10/31/05
Real estate prices soaring in Las Vegas
...but likely to crash hard after a few more drinks

GM Theo Epstein walks away from Red Sox
...after laundry mishap turned his whites pink

'Jarhead' director Mendes examines war's human cost
...expected to be over a hundred million at the box office

City tackles titillating mannequins
...pretty easily since they aren't exactly moving targets

Russian president Putin won't seek third term
...he'll just declare himself emperor

Stewart planned to bump Trump from show
...by cornering him in the exercise yard

Bush names conservative judge for opening
...even though conservatives are offended by openings


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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