The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.


9/1/05
Looting escalates in New Orleans
...as everyone wants a souvenir before it's abandoned

W. House deflects criticism on flood control
...by touting latest scores in Iraq

Shiites bury Baghdad stampede victims
...even though that was what killed them originally

London bomber appears in farewell tape
...that closes with Bette Midler singing tribute

Co-pays, drug cuts to save Medicaid $11B
...Conversely, cuts to cut $11B from elderly's wallets

Budget cuts delayed New Orleans flood control work
...Flood delays budget commitee meeting indefinitely

UN offers to help overwhelmed US cope with Katrina
...by exporting excess water to drought-ridden Ethiopia

Fats Domino unaccounted for in New Orleans flood
...Believed to have sough higher ground on Blueberry Hill

High Definition TV starts slowly, makers hopeful
...that they can make the pictures tubes warm up faster

Eight percent of US kids have ADHD, survey finds
...and they're all off their meds in my 2nd period class

Doctor adds insult to injury
...but only charges for one

German vote no quick fix for unemployment
...Potential scapegoats experience anxiety attacks

Bush: Help coming for desperate situation
...in the form of the 2008 presidential election

Americans open homes to Katrina refugees
...after Katrina opens homes to alligators

Violence predicted ahead of Afghan vote
...based on trend of the past couple millennia

Serena Williams plans Katrina relief effort
...by volleying supplies to survivors over the net

Sewage in floodwaters carries disease
...reads most redundant headline of the week

Cuba observes minute of silence for victims
...before resuming work in sweat shops

Connick says New Orleans will rebuild
...Biblical scholars suggest they build arks


9/2/05
Katrina felt across entertainment world
...Only Christina Aguilera felt by more entertainers

La. officials step up criticism of relief effort
...(Ir)responsible parties should be submerged shortly

Baton Rouge swells in Katrina's wake
...although it could be due to gas from the red beans

TV telethons announced for Katrina victims
...so rest of country can do without tv as well

Bush says relief results 'not acceptable'
...Political analysts say Bush's IQ 'not acceptable'

Bush vows New Orleans will be 'great' again
...Historians struggle to uncover justification for 'again'

Companies scrambling to restore power
...not that they don't have enough already

Putin promises probe into school seizure
...to see if it was caused by flickering fluorescent lights

Al-Qaida video shocks British Muslims
...due to choice of Sophia Coppola as director

More people receive spiritual help at work
...thanks to emails I usually find just plain annoying

Ohio high school has 64 pregnant students
...in record-breaking year by district gym teacher

EU commission proposes new asylum rules
...concerning when to commit politicians to asylums

States probe high gas prices, eye tax cuts
..but can't afford fuel for saws to make any cuts

Katrina donations soar, but some food stocks thin
...because altrusitic actresses' pantries are bare

Senators call hurricane response "immense failure"
...since it wasn't phrased in the form of a question

Katrina stops the music in New Orleans
...via divine intervention on noise complaints

ABC News sued over use of bin Laden footage
...Al Qaeda to next target file sharing networks

Hi-tech search drones to help New Orleans rescue
...but frighten primitives hide from perceived robot invasion

Long work hours may raise injury risk
...says reporter clearly avoiding any such risk

Peanut paste helps battle hunger in Africa
...and tastes great on bread with grape jelly

Italian tourist island is magnet for immigrants
...due to electrified coils of bikini-clad busty Italians

Camera helps identify unknown sea creatures
...who robbed convenience store/bait shop


9/3/05
Tulane cancels fall semester due to storm
...thus moving it by default to #1 ranked party school

Some refugees say they won't return to New Orleans
...until the mayor help from a special ed English teacher

W. House visit by China's Hu canceled due to Katrina
...due to indefinite layover at New Orleans airport

U.S. vows to end New Orleans' violent crime wave
...by pumping in raw sewage until city is completely submerged

Music industry in disarray after the storm
...as Led Zep's 'When the Levee Breaks' races up charts

Mississippians' suffering overshadowed
...by the stupidity that prompted many to stay


9/4/05
Chief Justice Rehnquist dies at home
...after his motion could no longer be sustained

Jennifer Tilly wins poker tournament
...thus ensuring I'll never play her in strip poker

New Orleans left to the dead and dying
...in ill-conceived last will and testament

Katrina damages New Orleans landmarks
...and, well, just about everything else under 6' tall

Singer Macy Gray volunteers at Astrodome
...fortunately, it isn't to actually sing the anthem

New Orleans couple weds in Miss. shelter
...after realizing it's best to start things on a low note

US accepts offer of UN help in Katrina aftermath
...Peace-keepers to invade our third-world country next week

New Orleans collects its dead in 'ugly' search
...even though many ugly still among the living

Rice says race had nothing to do with Katrina aid
...since Bush isn't running in the 2008 race

Wireless carriers back in N. Orleans
...to ensure flow of drugs is not halted

Women losing out in heart care to men
...which is why they're always trying to break ours

New Orleans residents lament lack of insurance
...with their newly-acquired 20/20 hindsight

Bush has many options for chief justice bid
...but he'll probably pick 'C' since he didn't study again

NASA facility suffers in wake of Katrina
...since it was designed to study space, not underwater

Summer bust leaves Hollywood uncertain
...Many say they liked Summer before the implants

French Quarter holdouts create 'tribes'
...indicating a return to pre-Katrina conditions

High-tech parking meters rake in coins
...following addition of arm on side and three lemons on front

Miss. motels become nearly uninhabitable
...in spite of finally being cleaned by storm surge


9/5/05
Funeral plans made for chief justice
...Scalia by conspiring members of the ACLU

States struggling with Katrina refugees
...are considering tranquilizers to manage them

Greta Garbo stamp set for release in Sept.
...but would prefer to remain inside envelopes

Miss. family sticks to 'stay close' plan
...that resulted in their ability to play banjo so well

Gas prices drive man to commute by horse
...Alternatively, man drives horse to commute gas prices

Tsunami nations lend disaster advice to U.S.
...'Move out of the bath tub, you idiots!'

Katrina response prompts questions of race
...for example, 'Why didn't help race to New Orleans?'

Many still refuse to leave New Orleans
...in highly contentious year for Darwin Awards

Katrina may curb economic growth in '06
...unless New Orleanians take up rice farming

Sports world touched by victims' plight
...Olympic swimmers offer to coach potential evacuees

NFL Saints explore options for home games
...such as replacing mouthpieces with snorkels

Southern Africa may be growing terror base
...in terror cotta pottery

Court orders Kazaa to stop pirates
...by firing cannons off the port bow

Bush chooses Roberts, weighs other vacancy
...between his ears; comes up short

Housing slowdown could spell trouble
...when dylexics try hand at anagrams

Newly-found artwork may be by Munch
...says obessessive-compulsive detective Monk

National Guard unit to return from Iraq to Katrina
...to refill cantines

Smart cars could cut accidents
...Smart drivers too, but they usually work from home

Mouthguards essential for back-to-school sports
...as students are frequently ejected for insulting umpires

S. African farmers clean up with 'green sugar'
...after Rolling Stones did same with 'Brown Sugar'

Roberts may replace mentor as chief justice
...An errie echo of the Sith this is, observes Yoda


9/6/05
La. 6-year-old found in charge of 'six babies'
...but Catholic church still won't condone birth control

"Gilligan's Island" actor Denver dies at age 70
...Ashes to be scattered in syndication over next 50 years

Deep Impact probe shows a fragile, empty comet
...similar to that seen on Whitney Houston's reality show

Bush to speak at Rehnquist funeral service
...to add levity to otherwise somber proceedings

Lance Armstrong contemplating comeback
...as career needs much spotlight to survive

Pirates fire manager Lloyd McClendon
...for not keeping cabin boys available to them

Under fire, Bush reassures Katrina victims
...that he's fighting in the Gulf (just not the right one)

Lawmakers seek harsh penalties on steroids
...as if shrinking testicles weren't penalty enough

U.S. Marine jets bomb two Iraq bridges
...in overkill version of Bush's 'burning bridges' policy

Bush: List for court vacancy is 'wide open'
...Which, coincidentally, is exactly the opposite of his mind

Israel approves construction in West Bank
...so there will be something to knock down later


9/7/05
Mayor may force people out of New Orleans
...where crime, sewage, and common sense couldn't

Explorer says lost Peru city is plundered
...by over-enthusiastic looters from New Orleans

Calif. lawmakers pass gay marriage bill
...with help of liberal application of KY Jelly

U.S. hostage in Iraq freed after nine months
...Apparently he was forcibly kept in a uterus

Space station crew jettisons ton of garbage
...after ordering McDonalds for lunch for past week

Court cases don't scare music file swappers
...the way mislabeled remixes do

Egyptians vote for leader, opposition complains
...until democracy is explained to them

Republicans say hurricane won't stop budget cuts
...but it will at least wash away the blood


9/8/05
Lego may move production from Denmark
...back to North Pole now that elves' strike over

Stewart back on TV in daytime and night
...in Showtime adaptation of lesbian prison experiences

'Survivor' winner indicted on tax charges
...may evade IRS by moving back to desert island

New Orleans hunts for survivors
...since they're ready to lynch anything that moves

U.S. mulls "decisive" attack on Iraqi rebel town
...but ironically can't decide

Democrats spurn Republican-backed Katrina probe
...as the waters are already cloudy enough

Fed to keep raising rates despite Katrina
...so looting can continue legally

Mexico sees China's Hu bringing investment
...through their really, really powerful telescope

Internet pioneer Vinton Cerf joins Google
...to further help netizens Cerf the web

Cops set to forcibly clear out New Orleans
...thus taking on pre-Katrina role occupied by criminals

Iraqi troops to take over airport security
...Ironically, airport security usually present to stop Iraqi 'troops'

NYC artists trade talents for health care
...leaving them as talentless as Los Angeles

Mubarak wins Egypt election in landslide
...that covers over historic archeological sites

Ukraine's president dismisses government
...when the lunch bell rings

Appeal to keep N.J. base open rejected
...since appeal was apparently unappealing

Congress postpones cuts to Medicaid program
...until anaesthesia takes effect

BIC celebrates sale of 100 billionth pen
...First 90 billion pens can be found in Dani's desk


9/9/05
Poll: Most say abandon flooded New Orleans
...Minority opinion paradoxically held by those remaining

Tourist pays $20M to go to space station
...but probably not ready for marked-up prices at gift shop

Daily stress may stop breast cancer - study
...Doctors are prescribing marriage as preventative medicine

Congress to investigate 9/11 loan abuses
...such as loans being detained in Cuba for three years

Judge orders Edgar Ray Killen to prison
...before the black folk lynch the faking bastard

Gender dominates Germany chancellor race
...as well as Miss America contest

Bronze-Age boat sailors are rescued
...from beneath Pompeii?

Documentary celebrates New Orleans music
...by concluding it's better down where it's wetter

British police launch new counter-terrorism unit
...to confront growing menace from Ali G.

Bush says aide will try to counter myths about US
...that the president has been confirming for rest of world

Iraq sees U.S. troop withdrawal in two years
...or so hope prospective 2008 GOP candidates

Astronaut looking for ride home from space station
...but can't promise he'll split cost of gas with driver

Senate moves to limit sales of cold medicine
...in further moveaway from universal health care

Wal-Mart heads off rivals in small town Mexico
...as Robert Rodriguez finally sells out to Hollywood

FEMA dumps Brown as Katrina relief chief
...Katrina also dumps much brown into toxic waters

Katrina death toll may not hit 10,000
...thus disqualifying Katrina from semi-finals

New firm launches, aims to colonize Mars
...with Libertarians who seek to secede from Earth


9/10/05
President's approval rating dips below 40
...on track to coincide with his IQ by xmas

Cuban doctors say politics block aid offer
...but referee says play was valid; no penalty

U.S. airline losses could hit $10 billion
...Passengers are encouraged to pack a parachute

Comedy Central extends 'South Park' run
...to outlast Bush term in office (and to have bigger impact)

Genetic relative of SARS found in bats
...Apparently, even viruses have batty relatives

Hurricane watch posted for southeast coast
...Antique Mickey Mouse watch posted on eBay

As 9/11 anniversary nears, squabbles abound in NY
...Actually, the first half of this headline is redundant

Remembering September 11 attacks, Bush cites Katrina
...blames Mexicans, and decides to invade Gulf of Mexico

Firms with Bush ties snag Katrina deals
...Only Rush Limbaugh ties caused more snags

Beseiged FEMA head removed from Katrina relief
...Though not like Marie Antoinette's head was removed

Cingular, Sprint give Katrina victims bill breaks
...since there's no homes left to deliver them to

Russian craft delivers food to space station
...in thirty minutes or less!

Search broadens for bodies in New Orleans
...Many broad bodies in N.O. due to rich foods

Northwest union doubts deal is near
...Since air traffic controllers can't see it on radars

Ophelia strengthens, may hit Southeast
...if mediators don't intervene in conflict

Wine makes comeback in land of tequila
...Tequila makes comeback from empty stomachs

U.S. envisions using nukes on terrorists
...having never heard 'people who live in glass houses...' aphorism

World seen winning battle of water scarcity
...after discovery of Atlantic Ocean

Tommy Chong makes movie of imprisonment
...since sitting in cell more interesting than sitting stoned

Katrina may cost U.S. as much as two wars
...Fortunately, Bush has already met his deductible


9/11/05
Iraqi, U.S. troops clear rebel stronghold
... but the Millennium Falcon managed to escape

Great apes left vulnerable by laws, system
...and unscrupulous National Enquirer reporters

Study done of how soap clings to water
...by high school dropouts on break as dishwashers

ABC has tape of man making terror threats
...at a State of the Union speech about some 'Axis of Evil'

Hurricane Ophelia stalls off Carolinas
...after rain water shorts battery

Disneyland gets bumpy ride in Hong Kong
...Which is exactly what tourists are paying for

New Orleans waters recede but frustration high
...due to collapse of frustration levees on Burbon St.

US Senate to open hearing on high-court nominee
...by removing impacted wax from Roberts' ear drum

Bush joins recovery leaders in New Orleans
...as he's used to arriving even after the slowest

Katrina evacuees adjust to life in Texas
...but hope to someday return to the U.S.

Souvenirs from Ambassador Hotel auctioned
...whereas souvenirs from Holiday Inn bathrooms just line suitcases

Coast Guard sees security duties expand
...after Bush claims Atlantis is stockpiling WMDs


9/12/05
Bush denies racial bias in Katrina response
...Says he would have responded the same if they were Jews

Lawyer: Saddam trial is political gimmick
...to get him re-elected when U.S. pulls out of Iraq

Senators spar over questioning Roberts
...until they learn it's John and not Julia on the stand

Firefighter to replace Brown as FEMA chief
...Critics want to borrow hose to use on Brown

Roberts vows to be a humble chief justice
...and not brag about payoffs from litigants

Astronomers detect distant cosmic explosion
...inspiring Bush to invade Vega system in WMD search

Storm survivors show signs of stress disorder
...and really, really puney fingers

Study: Housework helps with hypertension
...in wives with obsessive-compulsive husbands

Bounty placed on heads of Iraqi leaders
...to be removed William Tell style by snipers

U.K. bans 'Make Poverty History' message
...after poor history teachers take offense

Senate opens high court confirmation hearing
...by removing chunk of impacted wax

Tropical Storm Ophelia keeps US coast guessing
...whether she's faking madness or if it's really real

Global majors must dance to producers' tune for oil
...says report in lastest issue of 'The Gay Economist'

Pentagon mulls new generation of land mines
...to kill new generation of Vietnamese

History to repeat itself at Yosemite
...if relativity experiment is successful


9/13/05
Flights resume service into New Orleans
...to capitalize on polluted water fishing opportunities

Egypt allows Palestinians to cross border
...Why?  To get to the other side!

Eleven children found caged in Ohio home
...after Ritalin shortage prompts desperate measures

Court mulls release of Columbine videos
...to discount dvd bin

Bush takes responsibility for Katrina blunders
...but English teachers seek apology for 'newcular' war

Italy to extradite London bombings suspect
...but they won't transport him via the subways

Johnson & Johnson sued over contraceptive
...for not keeping the other Johnson under wraps

Abbas aims to begin disarming militant groups
...with his disarming demeanor and irresistable charm

Fashion seen as distraction from modern woes
...like bulemia, anorexia, and cosmetic surgery

Headphone use may worsen hearing loss
...say doctors several times before getting acknowledgement

Japan's probe within 12 miles of asteroid
...but may be too homophobic to go the distance

Bush backs Iran's right to nuclear power
...because it will save the trouble of bombing them

Gates pushes upcoming Microsoft Windows, Office
...Frustrated users expected to push computers out of windows

Hendrix's Seattle home saved from demolition
...by turning down his guitar amps below '11'

La. governor condemns slow recovery of dead
...Reality check: Dead very unlikely to ever recover


9/14/05
Dems get second shot to grill Roberts
…since he was still a little pink after first round

Bodies raise questions on Katrina response
...creeping out even witch doctors and other theologians

Pakistan questions suspects on al-Qaida
...LAPD questions suspects on crack cocaine

Crowe seeks reduction in assault charge
...from 'R' to more audience-friendly 'PG-13'

New Orleans schools unable to pay teachers
...enough to buy boats required to commute to work

98 Degrees singer not done with politics
...but political analysts are done with him

Scientists reconsider habitability of Titan
...after seeing how people managed in New Orleans

Scenario: Quake could be worse than Katrina
...but Doom II was better than Duke Nukem 3-D

Reports: Britney Spears gives birth to boy
...as reported in 'Where are they now?'

Security panel urges US to plug security gaps fast
...before storm surge carries terrorists over borders fences

Pageant contestants upset over betting plan
...since judges betting on which they can score with

Australia diet wizards top Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter
...prompting Hollywood execs to scramble for movie adaptation rights

Investors see limited Katrina impact on stocks
...since most were inflated to float above the storm

Nominee Roberts vows to seek consensus
...that he looks good in loose-fitting black attire

Hubble telescope spies homeless black hole
...as press again associate 'black' with negative adjectives

MacLaine denounces U.S. leaders at film fest
...as having been bad husbands to her in past lives

Lawsuits, charges sure to follow Katrina
...Katrina's lawyer has no comment at this time


9/15/05
Nagin: French Quarter may reopen Monday
...with a 50% off sale on water-damaged merchandise

Greta Garbo back in limelight for centenary
...even though she avoids limelight even in life

Large sections of New Orleans to reopen
...after open sections of levees closed them

Bush endorses plan for closing military bases
...since all our troops are in Iraq

Singer Tom Waits files suit against GM unit
...for imitating his voice with the sounds of engines

Europeans plead with Iran to reconsider proposals
...and make promises to get a bigger engagement ring

Schwarzenegger signs ban on sodas in high schools
...since these can be used as explosive weapons

Mitsubishi banking on robot companion's charm
...to get him elected to political office

B.B. King looks back at 80 years of blues
...most of which occured prior to discovery of Prozac

Talks over N. Korea's weapons break down
...Most hope talks will be maintained and weapons won't

Iran willing to share nuclear technology
…in form of fallout from first strike

Roberts displays more moderate views
...than most Nazis in his party

Atheist gets victory in 'under God' case
...thanks to his copious prayers to that effect

Study: Adult use of ADHD medicines doubles
...whenever there's a rave in town

Mice infected with bubonic plague missing
...and presumed dead

No smiling for passport photos in Germany
...or any other photos prior to 1992

Real estate speculators eye New Orleans
...for future fish farms/mutagen experiments

Washed-up celebrities saturate reality TV
...since 'Hollywood Squares' can only accomodate nine

More cancer survivors staying in workforce
...since surviving means not skipping out on debt

Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney split
...after one session with J.Lo's marriage counselor

Pentagon worker told to destroy Atta papers
...by strapping them to a suicidal/homicidal militant

Two dolphins lost during hurricane rescued
...by Starkist who plans to return them to grocery aisles

Schwarzenegger hints at re-election bid
...in trailer released on his site this week

More women trying bisexuality - survey
...However, when I asked, most responded with backhands


9/16/05
Calif. beach town at war with sea lions
...by passing out South Beach diet books

Leaders want U.N. to play a bigger role
...in school production of 'Guys and Dolls'

Scientist: Humans can ease global warming
...by getting some rest and drinking lots of fluids

Schwarzenegger says he'll seek re-election
...while his opponents seek the death penalty

New Orleans bars get ready to open
...and residents attempt to drain city of fluids

Vatican's search for gays in seminaries raises alarm
...last sounded during the days of the Inquisition

Microsoft seeks more control with Xbox 360
...Lastest version to automatically interface with users' wallets

Judge dismisses states' global warming suit
...as oxymoronic: Why wear a suit if it's too warm?

Vioxx likely leads to heart problems-expert witness
...especially among Merick's shareholders

Cheney to have surgery next weekend
...to remove impacted bribes from bank account

Curfew could cramp New Orleans' style
...of its ever-popular raping and pillaging

Pulp-fiction novel by Marlon Brando published
...which coulda been a contender for a Pulitzer

Oil prices drop after lower OPEC forecast
...Meteorologists forecast precipitation of prices

U.N. says ozone layer should keep healing
...but doesn't reommend any more motorcycle stunts

New Orleans police soldier on despite losses
...Meanwhile soldiers police lost New Orleans

New mammograms good for young women
...say smarmy old doctors

Emmy host DeGeneres to touch on Katrina
...reads sexiest headline of the week

Prince William to become new F.A. president
...to counter Bush's position as F.U. president

Poll: 43 percent of evacuees want to go home
…and the rest have average intelligence or better

Consumer interest in better mileage is rising
...directly proportional to gouging at the pump

New Orleans bars get ready to re-open
...as residents really need more fluids to pump

Antarctic hole in ozone layer nears record size
...due to environment being screwed by huge dicks


9/17/05
New Orleans businesses begin cleanup
...except for janitors who have always been cleaning

Female directors make strides in Toronto
...because film judges like to watch their walks

Sun activity produces impressive auroras
...so go out and stare at it for a while

Bruce Lee fans aim for Hong Kong statue
...but can't break it in just one swift karate chop

Iran proclaims right to nuclear energy
...Right in US government support it as well

Chavez criticizes U.N. reforms in speech
...as well as Bush's reforms in speech

Work on stem cells, DNA research honored
...except in the Bible Belt where only white DNA is

Iran throws down gauntlet in nuclear row
...and gets radiation burns from handling plutonium

Katrina's environment threat not over, greens say
...and plan to pass legislation to ban future hurricanes

Arkansas governor mulls White House run
...reads forgotten headline from 1988

Fraternities face pressure to clean up
...fraternity row after rowdy 'rush week'

Cleveland doctor wants to try face transplant
...[Insert obligatory Michael Jackson joke here]


9/18/05
China's new North Korea proposal praised
...as very romantic, but the ring is kind of gaudy

Child abuse allegations linked to U.K. football
...although adult abuse is still not addressed by regulations

Germany's Schroeder refuses to concede
...Peanuts' Schroeder refuses to kiss Lucy

Companies offer workers deals to get fit
...Most famously: 'Shape up or ship out'

Refugees at Houston shelter dwindling
...Jeb Bush sues to reinsert feeding tubes

U.N. to end food shipments to N. Korea
...since they never tip the delivery drivers

16 survivors escape Katrina in odyssey
...by tying themselves to ship's mast to avoid Sirens

Vince Neil breaks leg during Crue concert
...after being wished luck from an angry Gypsy

EU powers start work on Iran nuclear resolution
...US resolution suggests resolving Iran with nukes

'Second disaster' may follow Katrina: doctors
...No, it's not a quote: Doctors to be '2nd disaster'

Key Republican sees Roberts approved by September 29
...Unnamed Republican revealed as Ms. Cleo

Sudan's sick turn to spiritual healers for cures
...Western doctors diagnose practice as 'sick'

As court chief, Roberts would be tested
...for tuberculosis, malaria, and (naturally) rabies


9/19/05
North Korea vows to drop nuclear program
...on major cities of enemies if pushed too far

Germany election mandate still in limbo
...contest, but too drunk to take calls from reporters

Plan to reopen New Orleans draws criticism
...from Sea World who fear the competition

Afghan ballots sent to counting centers
...in Cuba where they will be detained indefinitely

Boxer remains critical with brain injury
...Gene Siskel remained critical even with brain tumor

North Korea nuclear accord reached
...Misguided Poland developing nuclear accordion

NASA offers "Apollo on steroids" to return to moon
...Expect Venus on steroids to return to Wimbledon

Son lived with dead mother to keep pension
...and lucrative (if one-note) horror film career

German political impasse may last for weeks
...say observers of 2000 US presidential election

Archaeologists find Byzantine mosaic, table
...to be really, really gaudy, quite frankly

Evacuees attend Monday night Saints game
...that abruptly increased calls to suicide hotlines

Residents streaming back to New Orleans
...Reporter fired for shameful use of word 'streaming'

Bill Clinton slams W. House on Iraq, Katrina
...after slamming intern named Katrina in Lincoln bedroom


9/20/05
Tropical Storm Rita heads toward the Keys
...for a well-deserved vacation from storming

Mayor suspends reopening of New Orleans
...so as not to compete with any summer movies

New Orleans jittery as new storm threatens Gulf
...although maybe those are DTs from bars closing

Republicans split over paying for hurricane aid
...Some don't want to pay; others will pay for whites

Mariah Carey leads American Music Award nominees
...in most freakish-looking cleavage

U.S. says pope immune from abuse suits
...but not the matching hat

New York skyscrapers dim lights to save birds
...Alternatively: Bright idea helps save dim birds

'Ugly' woman sues TV show in death of sister
...Clock makers sue women for stopping their clocks

Oil refinery profits fail to spark investment
...Arsonists use oil refinery products to spark investments

Clothing chain H&M drops Kate Moss ads
...since nothing would stay on her hips without a belt

OPEC agrees to offer extra crude oil
...FCC declares Howard Stern 'extra crude'

Hurricane center may run out of names
...to swear by during this record year

EU increases pressure on Iran over nukes
...which, admittedly, is a good way to detonate them

Germany's future still unclear days after vote
…but not as bad as the 2000 U.S. election

Hurricane expert sees storms increasing
...his workload this year

FAA to propose security cameras on planes
...yet I can't use my laptop during takeoff.  Yeah, brilliant.

Mexican officials raze 31 border buildings
...that were tall enough to jump from roof over fence

Rita threatens more New Orleans flooding
...if demands are not met by 12 noon tomorrow


9/21/05
Princeton claims progess on grade inflation
...by using helium to elevate idiots like Bush to presidency

'March of Penguins' a hit with religious right
...but not fans of 'March of the Lemmings,' obviously

Mysterious stars surround galaxy's black hole
...such as Garbo, Brando, and Harpo

Study: 'Superbug' germ kills three in Chicago
...Superfly vows revenge for killings

Bush prepares Rita response
...Who are we kidding?  Bush doesn't prepare his own responses

Flat panel glut good for Christmas shoppers: survey
...Glut of Christmas dinners mean panels won't stay flat

Inamed breast implants get conditional FDA OK
...In other words, only if you're going up to a D-cup

Shark attacks spark "kill or be killed" debate
...that leads to feeding frenzy among panelists

US shouldn't add to deficit to pay for Katrina, says IMF
...and shouldn't have done same to pay for Bush's 2nd term

FBI: No post-Katrina terror chatter detected
...since they don't have any electricity either

McDonald's plans partial IPO for Chipotle
...to come with fries and a movie-tie in toy

Women's hands cleaner than men's - study
...Newsflash: Guys adjust themselves 100 times a day

Green tea halts Alzheimer's in mice
...but they usually can't remember when tea time is

Rita may push fuel prices above $3 a gallon
...and will fuel push of many gallons into N.O.

Strippers return to New Orleans nightlife
...but don't mind that they lost everything in Katrina

Suit accuses 'Extreme Makeover' of fraud
...Producers explain that's what they're paid for

New Orleans residents in no rush to leave
...the plantation system or sharecropping

Basra governor wants apology from Britain
...since the English apologize for everything anyway

N. Korea accuses U.S. of plotting attack
...Bush counters that attacks are never planned

Saddam lawyers don't recognize trial date
…when questioned about her by their wives

Dutch talk-show host to take heroin on air
...Fox News hosts encouraged to do same


9/22/05
Hurricane Rita threatens Gulf Coast
...in phone conversation taped by FBI

Houston-area evacuees face gas shortages
...until they find Taco Ball drive-thrus

Suit accuses 'Extreme Makeover' of fraud
...Producers explain that's what they're paid for

Basra governor wants apology from Britain
...since the English will apologize for anything

N. Korea accuses U.S. of plotting attack
...Bush counters that attacks are never planned

Blood vessels show effects of fat in teens
...Just look at the ones in the cottage cheese of their thighs

London bomb suspect extradited, arrested
...as police put cart before proverbial horse

Global warming could spark conflict - report
...as temperatures approach incendiary flashpoint

Coretta Scott King leaves Atlanta hospital
...to children in her will despite that she doesn't own it

Spy imagery agency prepares to record Rita
...in pioneering voyeurism experiment

Auditors eye open-ended Katrina contracts
...though open-end may allow water to capsize them

Personalized medicines still 15 years off
...Robin Williams off personal meds for last 15 years

Bush's political woes stretch beyond Katrina
...and his intellectual woes stretch beyond college

Stuttering best treated in pre-school years: study
...as opposed to treating with teasing in junior high

Brothel ads too racy for Grand Prix
...'Burning Rubbers' ads to racy for race?

Soldiers' Iraq books show humor, horror and anger
...Which of these things is not like the others?

World Bank expects 'real progress' on debt relief
...so they won't have to repossess Africa

Houston's refining industry at a standstill
...thus producing a glut of unrefined Houstonians

Scientists: Climate change hurts Africa most
...which explains Bush's motivation to wreck environment


9/23/05
Alaska towns face serious financial issues
...as global warming produces igloo shortage

Toyota says hybrid demand up after Katrina
...Also up: Demand for amphibious vehicles

Hurricane dumps rain on New Orleans
...while mayor dumps deluge of opportunities for ridicule

Tequila plant may help dieters shed pounds
...by temporarily inducing bullemia in drinkers

UN urges N. Korea to keep taking aid for children
...instead of taking aim at our kids with ICBMs

Oprah's book club returns to living writers
...after the dead ones didn't express much interest

U.S. TV makes way for two White House dramas
...while live comdey version airs daily on CNN

Complex work may help ward off Alzheimer's
...which means the president is at extreme risk for it

Insurers' risk models think the seemingly unthinkable
...America's top models seemingly don't think much at all

Scorsese reveals another side of Bob Dylan
...by providing subtitles for the Dylan-impaired

Indonesia: World must cooperate on bird flu
...but no one wants to shake hands on it

Rita inflicts fresh floods on New Orleans
...after old flood waters grow stagnant

Half of Europe's citizens know 2 languages
...while most U.S. citizens barely know even one


9/24/05
Puerto Rican rebel dies in FBI shootout
...Commemorative tie-dyes expected by Friday

Iran plans to weave world's largest carpet
...since they have a lot to sweep under it

Texas plans staggered return for Houston evacuees
...Innebriated French Quarter residents stagger home nightly

Cheney surgery for aneurysms successful
...but the cause of them is a failure named Bush

Ga. schools to close two days to save gas
...since auto shop class doesn't focus on fuel efficiency

Prosecutors see 'CSI effect' in white-collar cases
...i.e., lots of tedious details presented melodramatically

New evolution spat in U.S. schools goes to court
...as fundamentalists seek endangered species status

Rita hampers New Orleans' plan to dry out
...by prompting it to fall off the wagon again

Texas, La. begin cleaning up after Rita
...since she never puts away her toys


9/25/05
Katrina sheds light on poverty in the U.S.
...and sheds lots of waters on just about everyone

Westerners seek cheap medical care in Asia
...not realizing acupuncture needles don't inject anything

Laura Bush gala aims to restock libraries
...with Nazi propaganda from the 1930s

Bush told U.S. needs post-disaster plan
...to deal with the disasterous deficit he accumulated

Iran calls U.N. resolution 'illogical'
...U.S. notes Iran has history of illogic

New Orleans to be childless city for months
...after Katrina dumps birth control into water supply

Pakistan says Osama bin Laden is isolated
...Psychologists say this stems from abuse in childhood

Bush mulls lead role for military in disasters
...since Charlton Heston passed on the part

Mayor aims to reopen parts of New Orleans
...that weren't already smashed open by looters

Violent crime in US stays at historic low: report
...though only if Louisiana is excluded this year

Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher wed: reports
...[Punchline supplied in above headline]

Gulf storms strike chords in popular music
...when guitar picks are thrown against the wind
or
...when falling debris lands on piano factory

Camera phone enters new creative territory
...as many users search for nude models

Genetically modified vines worry French winemakers
...in world's worst horror movie screenplay

Hurricane exposes evacuation problems
...and the contents of many residents' homes

Solar cars set off on Australian outback race
...to promote country's chief export: sun

Getty may have known art was possibly looted
...investigators uncertainly just may have possibly said


9/26/05
Tsunami may have aided Indonesia crops
...by removing the Indonesians who eat them

Rita rescuers find survivors, more damage
...as with Katrina where survivors caused more damage

Bill would give Bush $50B more for wars
...What's Bill's address?  I want to wire him for some cash!

Frist denies wrongdoing in stock sale
...Not even the Michael Jackson jury believes this one

Anti-war mother Sheehan arrested near White House
...Ironically, the actual criminals were inside the W. House

Al Qaeda leader sentenced to 27 years
...as angry attendant at 7-11 in my neighborhood

Rivals Microsoft and Palm make up with mobile phone
...after screaming loudly at each other over it for weeks

No one can say if warming caused Katrina, Rita
...for fear of retaliation for being a rat

New dog flu virus came from horses, experts say
...thus effectively disproving 'intelligent design theory'

Mexico medical students learn on 'breathing' robots
...But if they forget how to do even that...?!

Eighteen-month-old runs over family
...in newly-discovered 'Little Rascals' episode

Force-fed women fight the fat in Mauritania
...as literary linguists allow liberal alliteration

Airline mergers have bad track record, analysts say
...Note: 'Airline merger' is euphemism for 'mid-air collision'

'We are not protectionists,' France to Wall St
...'We know,' recall WWII vets who protected France

U.S. promises fuel to prevent spread of nukes
...Ummm.  Hello?

Scandals darken fashion scene in Italy
...making it hard for photographers to shoot anything

Study warned of gaps before hurricanes
...aka the proverbial 'quiet before the storm'

Parents look to celebrities for baby names
...that will result in years of taunting, lifetimes of therapy

Senate begins debating Roberts nomination
…for role in Erin Brockovitch years after the fact

'Intelligent design' court battle begins in Pa.
...where Amish intelligently design furniture by hand

Rita rescuers looking for people, cattle
...or anything else with which to feed evacuees

Palm, Microsoft to launch new smart phone
...But it isn't smart enough to turn itself off in theaters

Naomi Campbell defends Kate Moss
...though lawyers point out she never took bar exam


9/27/05
Small, rural towns hit hardest by Rita
...and by punchlines on this page

Bush asks Americans to conserve, limit driving
...Americans ask him to limit warring, invading

Blair vows U.K. will stay the course in Iraq
...even though there's no chance of passing the course

Top court to hear Anna Nicole Smith's case
...[I read this as 'topless court' for some reason]

Scientists close in on 'daredevil' gene
...but it escaped by hang gliding away

ABC, CBS secretly searching for anchors
...to keep nightly news from drifting to the right

Golf rulebook to see more than 100 changes
...after spike in narcolepsy rates among viewers

New York mogul, TV star Trump's wife pregnant
...with spin-off deal to be released next summer

Electronic Arts announces mobile game line-up
...designed to ensure your batteries are always low

God versus science debate continues in court
...God held in contemp after ignoring subpoena

Return loot of corrupt dictators, says Wolfowitz
...to confused New Orleans Katrina survivors

Hostage gave meth to Atlanta fugitive
...to speed up stalled negotiations

Supreme Court selection process winds down
...but not as low as the Clarence Thomas hearings

Postal Service expects $2B deficit in 2006
...Apparently they can lose more than just the mail

Five U.N. Security Council seats up for grabs
...Start the music.  Four more rounds for the cake!

Poor families have difficulty eating healthy
...Sorry, that should read 'anything' not 'healthy'

Nicole Kidman: Psychiatry is worthwhile field
...that her ex could have benefitted from


9/28/05
Auditors vow to probe Katrina contracts
...to see if she was hired to kill specific victims

China to use satellite to monitor Panda mating
...after Pandas seek restraining order of 100 miles

Iranians mob UK embassy over IAEA nuclear vote
...Number of protesters may reach critical mass

Eight charged in theft of "Star Wars" movie
...after Vader threatens to tear ship apart until he finds it

New labels for medicines coming soon: FDA official
...since many are peeling off in this humidity

Many Hurricane Rita victims still wait for relief
…as Rolaids trucks delayed by high waters

Gas prices blamed for late credit payments
...as many couldn't afford gas to drive to post office

First lady makes her reality TV debut
...while her husband continues to prefer TV to reality

The $10 bill gets a colorful makeover
...on 'Queer Eye for the Dead President'

Senators: Hurricane aid is being blocked
...by a high pressure system in the White House

Puerto Rico town may build UFO landing strip
...in hopes *someone* will visit that place

U.K. gov't may ban junk food in schools
...U.S. won't even ban junk science in Kansas

French oil workers strike with precision timing
...Dare I say it?  ...Like a well-oiled machine

O'Connor ready for life after high court
...since her appeals have run out

U.S. launches interactive food pyramid for kids
...who weigh as much as the pyramids at Giza

Indictment of DeLay seen as blow for Bush
...There's blow for Bush here?  I guess he's off the wagon again.

San Antonio embraces New Orleans Saints
...even though they're all muddy and sweaty


9/29/05
Acupressure a new aid for sleepy students
...who scream out, 'I'm awake already, stop it!'

Conditions primitive in Texas after Rita
...as conditions improve from barbaric before Rita

EU ministers to hold meeting on Turkey
...to determine what stuffing to use this year

Fossil fuels to become relics - research group
...Who says research scientists can't be 'punny'?

New areas of New Orleans re-opening
...Wait, 'new,' 'new,' and 're'?

College students overestimate peers' drinking
...which is why they always lose at 'quarters'

John Roberts sworn in as U.S. chief justice
...and expected to be sworn at for decades to come

New Orleans relaunches "repopulation" campaign
...by outlawing condoms for entire parish

Rumsfeld to address reporters' safety in Iraq
...Short version: There isn't any.

Generals: Iraqi security capability has shrunk
...due to overuse of steroids

Roberts confirmed to lead Supreme Court
...back to the Middle Ages and beyond

West's 'Gold Digger' extends chart domination
...on way to become 'Double Platinum Digger'

Researchers launch biggest study of US children
...Since M. Jackson's pioneering work at Neverland

More evidence links SARS to bats
...but Comissioner Gordon suspects a frame-up

Sheep, two-day parties enliven remote Falkland isles
...[Do you even  need a punchline?]

Music industry wants jail for China pirates
...in plea bargain down from walking the plank

Racial gap in loans is high in California
...Correction: Everyone is high in California

MADD eyeing changes after 25 years
...For example, hormone replacement therapy

Nobel science prizes remain a male preserve
...as prizes to females go for strawberry preserves

FDA warns about ADHD drug Strattera
...not that any of its users are paying attention


9/30/05
Scientists reveal physics behind sandcastles
...to bored beach babes before being brushed off

Krispy Kreme sued by largest franchise
...who had to eat a lot of donuts to become 'largest'

Kevorkian says won't aid deaths on parole
...since Bush has cornered that market already

Jesuit official rips expected ban on gay priests
...Also ripped: The sphinters of countless altar boys

Fla. Wal-Mart workers start to organize
...the seasonal aisles for Halloween!

Rice: Iraq must not be given up to 'killers'
...which sounds like a hint that U.S. is pulling out

White House criticizes Bennett remarks on blacks
...for not picking on those damned Jews as well

Dell to stop free home delivery of computers
...but viruses delivered at no extra charge

Global sea levels could rise 30 cm by 2100- study
...if you don't fix that dripping tap


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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