The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

8/1/05
Astronauts work to fix station's gyroscope
...but lemon-powered clock is still working fine

Iraqis say constitution to be ready on time
...or they'll be dropped a letter grade this semester

Saudi King Fahd's U.S. ties fueled Islamist anger
...because no one, just no one, likes novelty ties

Children of smokers have more attention deficit
...since they are easily distracted by smoke ring tricks

Saudis jockey for power after Fahd's death
...[insert obvious camel jokey joke]

Britain slashing troops in Northern Ireland
...as part of bizarre military initiation ritual

Low-carb diet firm Atkins files for bankruptcy
...as the only thing that got thinner was investors' wallets

U.S.-born extremists concern terror experts
...Terror amateurs merely concerned with all extremists

Internet ad pioneer now shunning pop-ups
...as internet users have been doing for years


8/2/05
Some MySpace users fret about Fox takeover
...and the rest of them are naive idiots

Bolton's challenge: Pushing Bush agenda
...Bush's challenge: Walking while chewing gum

Muslim leaders, Saudis pray for Fahd at funeral
...in spite of the fact that, admittedly, it's too late now

Bush: Rove has 'my complete confidence'
...and, as always, that's entirely too much

Simpson makes saucy film debut in Dukes of Hazzard
...in a concoction guaranteed to induce coma or brain death

Pfizer's Celebrex arthritis drug to add warnings
...reading, 'Don't celebrate too much, okay?'

Indonesians hungry for cars as economy picks up
...Meanwhile, Bagladesh just plain hungry (as always)

Trial of Gotti 'Junior' begins in New York
...as summer sequel craze extends to judicial system

Former Alaska Gov. Jay Hammond dies at 83
...Family says body will be thawed for funeral.

Marijuana use a recurring television theme
...It's also a recurring reason for viewing

Canadian Olympic host city overrun by bears
...So's San Francisco biker bars, but, really, who cares?


8/3/05
New book answers unusual medical questions
...Incidentally, so does 'Seventeen' magazine

'Muslim' fast food appeals to French minority
...a very, very small minority

Brain-dead woman in Va. gives birth
...No, Brittany isn't due for a couple months yet

New fall network TV shows add to casts
...as reality shows result in more broken bones

States move to protect private property
...by purchasing guard dogs and barbed wire

Senate approves museum honoring women
...What?  Like we don't already have a Playboy mansion?

Gannett to sell Detroit News, buy Free Press
...Apparently, there's no such thing as a Free Press

Scientists find new clues to prehumans' diet
...by observing football players in campus cafeteria

Black boxes found after Toronto 'miracle crash'
...but airline says good luck recoving your luggage

Bush unswayed by Sen. Frist on stem cell research
...and is dubious about that wheel thing or fire either

Scientists say human bird flu pandemic preventable
...if they would just cover their beaks when they cough

Italian intelligence report warns of attack risk
...Warning: Italian intelligence is an oxymoron

Bluesman 'Little' Milton in coma after stroke
...and you think he had reason for the blues before!

Civic leaders think Carmel has too much art
...so they won't let Garfunkle move there


8/4/05
Floods batter India's economic clout
...Clout to be seasoned and fried later

Filmmakers sue Sony Pictures over 'Zorro'
...Viewers sue for the price of the meal lost watching it

South Korean stem cell pioneer clones dog
...[Insert obvious Asian dog-eating humor here]

Amphetamines may slow Parkinson's - study
...Admittedly, that's the only thing they would slow

Copy-protected CDs iPod-incompatible but sell well
...since most too computer illiterate to know difference

Environmentalists see hope in Exxon CEO change
...since the new one will be unleaded and cause less knocking

Police OK shooting suicide bombers in head
...since obviously they have no feelings there

Plane crash risks omitted in Yucca plan
...but unfortunately can't be extended to rest of world

Study: Hurricane Ivan created monster waves
...Correction: That was Hurricane Igor

Expert: Palmeiro steroid easy to detect
...by his requests for ever-smaller supporters


8/5/05
Unemployment rate expected to hold steady
...until it falls off wagon and is fired yet again

Conservationists kill trees to save woodpecker
...as pecked-upon foilage finally snaps from abuse

U.S. military hits insurgents in western Iraq
...though it would be more effective to hit them in the head

EU offers to back Iran nuclear program
...in hopes they'll be paying them to blow themselves up

Written threat found on plane in Houston
...FBI has excluded residents based on illiteracy rates

Blackhawks sign goalie Nikolai Khabibulin
...since rival offense can't get around his name

Southwest flight lands in Texas after bomb scare
...Passengers not sure which is more frightening

Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks
...to thin sea monkey population in other labware

Air France jet landed too far down runway
...in obvious art piece lampooning Gen X'ers

WHO recommends more pig disease tests
...to understand epidemic of police taking sick days

Study says flirtatious women get fewer raises
...but plenty of discrete evening rendezvous instead

Mutant mice carry diseases to help humans
...After all, didn't the Black Plague curb over-population?

Poll: Fewer Americans think Bush is honest
...In fact, none of them would if they were honest

Researcher renews bid to find Atlantis
...and discovers funding opportunities have submerged


8/6/05
Iran rejects EU's civil nuclear proposal
...but let's see if they like the uncivil version

Roberts devoted free time to liberal cases
...to prove the adage 'you get what you pay for'

Annual motorcycle rally transforms S.D. town
...into barely-closeted gay pride rally

Democrats focus on Latino partnerships
...Republicans plan to outlaw these marriages next

Chemist tries to solve world's energy woes
...by developing cheap substitute for cocaine

Israel considers ways to curb extremists
...including using suicide bombers to eradicate them

Gibbs apologizes for calling Dallas fans ugly
...says he meant to say [unprintable series of explicatives]

China OKs human trials for new SARS vaccine
...as veiled lethal injections for political prisoners

Virtual reality helps calm 9/11 anxiety
...Conversely, there's Bush's take on reality

U.S. split on nuclear energy for Iran, N. Korea
...Atoms split over Tehran and Pyong Yang instead

Jazz bassist Al McKibbon dies at 86
...but his solos seemed to last much, much longer

U.S. could cut Iraq troops by 20,000-30,000-NY Times
...though not by the same methods as insurgents would use

Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks
...to drop James Bond's stem cells into

Kansas moves to stem role of evolution in teaching
...by grant teaching certificates only to Neanderthals

Bush's loyalty raises doubts about his political judgment
...And as for his speech, well, let's keep the cork on his fork


8/7/05
New Navy warship could play crucial role
...in avant garde production of 'Sound of Music'

New daylight saving may cause tech problems
...as geeks are getting confused by excessive sunlight

North Korean disarmament talks suspended
...for smoking in the boys room

Virginia officials target minority obesity
...by banning re-runs of 'Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids'

Saudi says ties with U.S. 'couldn't be better'
...except for the really ugly plaid ones

Roberts' Senate hearing to raise many questions
...but it could be improved by a new hearing aide

Bush evolution comment roils long-standing battle
...whether frequent comparisons to a monkey are coincidental

'Dukes of Hazzard' wreak havoc at U.S. box office
...as obscure art film overtakes competition for top spot

For rockers, 'Christian' blessing can be fickle
...because groupies will only wash their feet

Iraq leaders work on draft consitution
...U.S. leader working on draft beer and pretzels

No looking back as shuttle heads home
...since no room in budget for rear view mirror

Rich liberals vow to fund think tanks
...Rich conservatives: 'Don't think, send in tanks!'


8/8/05
Iran resumes uranium conversion methods
...after unstable element refuses to accept Islam

Japan PM Koizumi dissolves parliament
...by diabolically dropping them in vat of acid

Wildfire burns 35 buildings in Wash. state
...Technically, this is now a domesticated fire

Many question fitness of Russia's navy
...as ships only float due to bloated sailors

Meteor strikes may have aided early life
...Meteor unions take credit for advances

Two Michael Jackson jurors regret acquittal
...whereas the rest are pleading the 5th

Wal-Mart asks appeals court to block suit
...Court explains you can block hats, not suits [Warning: No one under 70 is going to get this]
See definition ..16: http://hyperdictionary.com/search.aspx?define=block

Pilots at higher risk of cataracts, study says
...Passengers at higher risk of crashing, I say

Bounty-hunters snarl traffic catching cows
...now that Lucas has no more roles for them

US churches try to help ex-prisoners stay straight
...[Oh, I just can't bring myself to touch this one!]

Discovery to take another try at landing
...Apparently, Earth is a surprising small target

Ex-U.N. officer pleads guilty to bribes
...Unfortunately, he wasn't very good at giving them


8/9/05
Housing prices high for low income workers
...say 6th grade civics teachers

Texas man aims to visit every Starbucks
...in effort to got through 10 kidneys in 10 years

Shuttle Discovery lands safely in California
...Wait a sec! Nobody lands safely in California!

Emmys board rejects ceremony changes
...The board says viewers should be bored

Bush, advisers paint rosy picture of U.S. economy
...Well, the advisers drew it and Bush colored it by number

Wife frees inmate husband, kills guard in Tenn.
...Country music songwriters begin bidding on story rights

Shuttle Discovery lands safely, eases NASA's woes
...even though they didn't make it home by their curfew

S. Korean man dies after 50 hours of computer games
...because paramedics couldn't find his 'reset' button

Bush taps Miller to oversee war monuments
...[And this one is just too obvious]

Guantanamo prisoners enjoy Potter books
...in a departure from fundamentalist agenda of burning them

Betty Boop celebrates 75th birthday
...Structural engineers marvel at durable design of her neck

Discovery appears to have very little damage
...in spite of reputation of women dirvers

Defiant Iran removes seals at nuclear plant
...because, honestly, seals don't belong in a radioactive desert

For astronauts, waiting is the hardest part
...though most think it's having to go in outer space

Jewish settlers at Kfar Darom determined to fight
...so technically, they really aren't so settled

Common intruders threaten Galapagos species
...as nature forgot to evolve a burgler alarm

Foam is biggest obstacle to next shuttle flight
...not clouds like you would think

Kansas moves to stem role of evolution in teaching
...by grant teaching certificates only to Neanderthals

Bush's loyalty raises doubts about his political judgment
...And as for his speech, well, let's keep the cork on his fork


8/10/05
Grape harvest begins in drought-hit Spain
...or rather an unprecidented raisin harvest

Cable offers alternatives to reality programs
...Incidentally, so does reality if you're so inclined

Iran to break U.N. seals on nuke equipment
...thereby falling for the oldest trap in the book

Some question third year of law school
...on advice from their council

U.S. says Iraqi constitution is 'on track'
...like a damsel in distress with a train coming

Company to sell trips around the moon
...and will throw in piece of Brooklyn Bridge


8/11/05
Va. Tech separation of sexes irks faculty
...but their wives are happier now

Meteor 'outburst' expected Friday morning
...if Prozac presctription is not refilled by then

Some try to lose weight at McDonald's
...by abandoning their kids at the playground

Talk of movie slump dominates Hollywood's summer
...Story to adapted and is slated for Christmas release

Two months later, Michael Jackson jury bickers on
...still deadlocked on difficult questions of defendant's gender or race

Ex-Worldcom financial chief gets 5 years in prison
...to repay debt to society at ten cents a minute

One in six US high school students has asthma-study
...But this is better than the one in ten that failed math

Chinese actress Zhang grows into international star
...while Star Jones grows to occupy several zip codes

Wildlife moves to stay cool in a warmer world
...by investing in latest Bermuda shorts

Alleged al-Qaida spiritual leader detained
...by beliefs belonging somewhere in the 13th century

7-Eleven settles dispute over tobacco
...between Jay and Silent Bob on the curb

Atta intelligence omitted from 9/11 report
...Oxymoron detector reads of the charts!

Pope to attend Germany's World Youth Day
...Translation: Former youth Nazi to ogle youths

Puberty comes sooner for overweight girls
...not that it does any good at getting them dates


8/12/05
Fugitives' cabbie never suspected couple
...even though they tipped with $100 bills

Muppet star Kermit the Frog nears age 50
...Reportly considering settling down with a pig

Tropical Storm may strenghten to hurricane
...since meteorologists don't test for steroids

FDA puts restrictions on acne drug Accutane
...as it levels the playing field for rival science geeks

NASA probe blasts off for Mars
...to avoid religious persecution in US

Fox TV probe clears "American Idol" star Abdul
...of any knowledge of wrong-doing (or much else)

Taser says Arizona court dismisses liability suit
...after judge persuaded by 10,000 Volts

Polar bear swims 74 km in single day
...across what used to be North Pole before it melted


8/13/05
Chrysler wants romance back in car indusrty
...by increasing size of back seats
or
...by replacing motor oils with massage oils

Bush: All options open for Iran nukes
...Next: Payload bay doors open above Iran

U.S. forces raid Iraq chemical facility
...on unfounded rumors of manufacturing soap

Ariz. woman recovers from 400 bee stings
...with help from 'Fear Factor' prize money

Security guards banned from Malibu
...but now there isn't anyone to keep them out

Limp Bizkit insurer denies it's liable
...for profuse bleeding from listeners' ears

Cuba marks Fidel Castro's 79th birthday
...candles on cake double country's energy production

Smokers taking controversial cancer test
...as opposed to socially accepted cancer cause

Irene likely headed away from East Coast
...'Storms' away after encountering snooty residents

Nefertiti bust returns to pre-war perch in Berlin
...Pam Anderson's bust repeatedly adjusted to new perch

Flat-screen TV prices finally coming down
...due to flat quality of programming worth watching


8/14/05
Iraqi leaders try to finish constitution
...U.S. may recruit tutors for struggling politicians

Bush approval a low for two-term leaders
...Also, Bush I.Q. a low for two-term leaders

Tyson Foods denies racial discrimination
...since light and dark meat priced the same

TSA may loosen ban on razorblades, knives
...so remaining Taliban can finally trim beards

Ahmadinejad fills Cabinet with hard-liners
...since contact paper just attracted roaches

Jerry Lee Lewis' home now closed to public
...No girls over fourteen permitted

'Four Brothers' number one at box office
...but smells suspiciously a lot like 'number two'

U.S. Medicare to take close look at adult day care
...to keep Bush occupied with something other than war-mongering


8/15/05
Painkillers linked to hypertension in women
...Serial killers result in same among truckstop hookers

Study: Most wild chimps are southpaws
...based on observations of feces throwing

Lifestyle may be key to slowing brain's aging
...hence many attempt to preserve brains in alcohol

Aston Martin rates high in sex appeal survey
...Sadly, Ricky Martin did not fare nearly as well

Police anti-gang strategies lack unity
...Consultants brought in from Crips for teambuilding seminar

Israel tells Gaza settlers time is nearly up
...that the 2nd century BC expired 2200 years ago

US Marine pleads not guilty in nightclub shooting
...lawyer says jarhead confused by concept of 'dollar shots'

U.S. pressure on Iraq could backfire, say experts
...since country is loaded with dynamite

Police seek diaper-clad man who pesters women
...reads typical 'Village Voice' personal ad

Apple releases Mac OS X security update
...not that anyone wants to break into one

Fans flock to Memphis for 'Elvis Week'
...like lemmings from a cliff

Revenge drama 'Four Brothers' leads U.S. box office
...down the road to perdition (or at least mediocrity)

Human-like skin gives robots sense of touch -study
...Human-like skinned robots give geeks sense of sex


8/16/05
SEC warns Goodyear of possible action
...meaning 2006 probably will not be a Goodyear at all

Atlanta lawmakers approve panhandling ban
...in spite of fierce lobbyists hired by panhandling unions

Radio station won't cancel Keillor's show
...as station managers forgot it was still on the air

Internet betting offers odds on gas hikes
...so losers can lose money on-line and at pumps

Hotels embrace user-friendly alarm clocks
...with novel invention: sleep-over hookers

Palmeiro to share his side of story 'soon'
...and is expected to top fiction bestseller list

Putin takes supersonic flight in bomber plane
...Meanwhile, Yetsin still just plain bombed

Bush to ride with cycling champion Armstrong
...After all, he's used to always being behind the rest

Antiwar protester Sheehan to move campsite
...after incessant attacks from circling hawks

Failure to meet constitution date worries Iraqis
...Many believe constitution will never find a wife

Japan voters could deal U.S. a blow in Iraq
...which would certainly cut in on Columbia's business

Singer Madonna injured in riding accident
...[Punchline censored by order of the pope]

Russia cosmonaut sets record for most days in space
...if you don't count Timothy Leary

Crocodile blood may yield powerful new antibiotics
...which can be used to treat croc bite wounds from collecting it

Artist sees shadow of defeat on Japanese culture
...signalling six more weeks of depressing repression

U. of Wis. records show high monkey deaths
...Monkeys were high on LSD while playing 'Superman'

Study describes bar at center of Milky Way
...Wait.  What?  Is this a Zen riddle or something?



8/17/05
Jellyfish invade the globe, thanks to humans
...Dolphins leave earth, thanks for all the fish!

Easter Island fights to protect its past
...with booby traps to snare archeologists

Report: Brain protein influences weight gain
...Atkins adherents urged to stop eating brains

Worm infection rates appear to be low
...when people wear flip-flops in gym showers

Crawford war protesters lead peace vigil
...at halftime as Bush fumbles pass

Canada probes 1960s Agent Orange tests
...for cheating by then-Trainee Recruit Orange

Lush River struggles to survive
...after wife prohibits alcohol polution

'Able Danger' stopped from informing FBI
...due to name change to 'Handicapped Danger'

Windows users battle new computer worm
...that has side effect of inducing hated of Bill Gates

Trade group urges less soda in schools
...as number of student/teacher sex cases decline

Iraqis vent rage on call-in TV after bombings
...in reversal of purported effect of TV on violence

Pierce Brosnan out as James Bond, 007
...as studio exercises its licence to kill his contract

US scientists call for giant wildlife park to save world's great mammals
...Meanwhile, Disney World park entertains world's mediocre mammals

Palestinian family longs for disappearance of The Wall
...after finding the animated segments 'creepy and disturbing'

China reportedly refitting Soviet aircraft carrier
...with lower ceilings

Studies find racial differences in US health care
...as black women seek counseling only from beauty shops

Ohio governor charged with failing to report trips
...claims everyone took acid back then, big deal!

Latinos' views mixed on immigration, poll finds
...as not all want their mothers-in-law to visit

Roberts scoffed at equal-pay theory
...but not at the opportunity to take Sandra's job

Atlanta puts heat on panhandlers
...just add grease and we're cooking chicken!

New NSA chief sees tough choices ahead
...thanks to spies reporting from the distant future

Wholesale inflation leaps on gas prices
...[Insert (pun!) obvious Viagra joke here]

July producer prices jump on energy costs
...in yet another case of inadequate obedience training

Medtronic profit rises on ICD growth
...Ewww!

Soft-drink makers to cut school sales
...after drug dealers steal market share

Arkansas student infects worm with virus
...as campus STD epidemic mutates beyond expectations

US senators: Global warming obvious in far north
...where Canadians are considered anything but cool

Volcano could wipe out DR Congo city, say experts
...unless a deal can be reached with hostage negotiators

Giant space blasts a two-step process
...whereas smaller blasts a square dance process

Dinosaur remains found in Oregon
...but still no evidence of evolution in Kansas

Wine fans take heart: Smells differ in nose, mouth
...but it's your slurred speech that clues in wives

AOL worker who stole email list sentenced
...to having his inbox over-stuffed by his cellmate

Sprint cell phones to ring with NFL content
...as Guiness records new record for most obnoxious sound

Marketing to the masses tends to miss many
...since many don't actually attend masses

San Francisco mayor launches free WiFi plan
...after WiFi is wrongly incarcerated for speeding

Disparities in heart attack care persist in US
...for example, no one cares if Rush Limbaugh has one

Secondhand smoke costs nearly $10 bln in U.S.-study
...though it's hard to find anyone willing to pay for the stuff

Britain considers revising fertility law
...because some people just shouldn't be fertile

Hungary's Sziget music festival draws record crowds
...Someday they may even evolve into 8-track or CD crowds

Mexico tourist magnet Tijuana cleans up brothels
...I mean, you don't even want to hear about those sheets!

Vietnam to bug bears to stop wildlife smuggling
...Bugbears?

French family wins lottery twice -- with same numbers
...as midwesterners find yet another reason to hate France

Pope forgets to bless pilgrims
...so no one could eat them for dinner


8/18/05
Indicators suggest sluggish U.S. growth
...Related story: Sluggish growth removed from Elephant man

National Geographic goes without cover photo
...Playboy has no plans to follow emerging trend

Gaza protesters throw acid at police
...Hippies reject this tactic; keep acid for selves

Microsoft rethinks RSS name change
...after ACLU sues on behalf of vowels union

Palestinians relieved, bitter on pullout
...[There's an obvious joke here already.]

Nationwide vigils call for end of Iraq war
...so does common sense, but it doesn't have a prayer

Authorities baffled by Greece plane crash
...since the last known fight from there was by Icarus

Little Leaguers weigh in on steroids in MLB
...at 180 lbs. and gaining

New York Film Festival sheds light on history
...Actually, the projectors shed the light, Festival just takes credit for it

Diaper sparks bomb alert
...Not that stink bombs pose much threat

Wall Street's women still climbing uphill
...While the guys just take a cab or subway

Unlimited cash may fight Schwarzenegger plan
...but Ahunauld usually has unlimited ammo

Jolie to play evil queen in 'Beowulf' epic film
...and forthcoming Jennifer Aniston biopic

Woodstock to host jazz, classical concerts
...to undo decades of damage to music taste in '69


8/19/05
Transformer seen as cause of San Francisco blast
...Police seek 50' tall robot using the alias Megatron

Pope warns of increase in anti-Semitism
...after putting out call for modern Crusades

Disney investigates alleged labor abuses
...after Goofy complains he was worked like a dog

Ivana Trump unveils Las Vegas condo plans
...where she plans to retire to after divorce in 2008

Courtney Love admits drug use, sent to rehab
...Mug shot came back positive for skank as well

Settlers expelled from Gaza begin new lives
...as Israel unexpectedly adopts doctrine of reincarnation

Border troubles divide U.S. government, states
...Actually, borders do the same without trouble even

US rights groups seek release of more Roberts memos
...as these are apparently being held without representation

Pope visits synagogue, warns of new anti-Semitism
...if they don't convert and do exactly as he demands

Project aims to create 3D television by 2020
...in move to reverse trend toward flat screens

Video games linked to aggression in boys
...Incidentally, so are birth, childhood, adolesence, and adulthood

Fugitive alligator becomes local folk hero
...after eating 'To Kill a Mockingbird's Bob Ewell

U.S. retains controversial trucker rule
...that all mudflaps feature gun-wielding Yosimite Sam

Palestinian leader promises better future
...since, considering their past, anything would be an improvement

Churches seek pastors with marketing savvy
...considering what they're selling is past expiration date


8/20/05
Iraq's Kurds may drop secession demand
...to keep General Ulysses S. Grant from attacking

CBS News asks interns to develop ideas
...about what to get Dan Rather for his birthday

Cloned tabby wildcats have kittens
...Jealous breeders scoff at encroaching copy cats

Firework farewell set for Hunter Thompson
...following days long cremation of pickled body

San Francisco rejects taking USS Iowa
...since there's more than enough sailors to go around

Garth Brooks, Wal-Mart sign exclusive deal
...to drop nation's IQ by 30 points in 3 albums' time

Concern grows over prison Islam converts
...as this is putting the cart before the horse

Severe allergies bring back-to-school dangers
...as do severely underpaid and overworked teachers

U.S. concedes ground to Islamists on Iraqi law
...but would rather just put them beneath it

'Desperate Housewives' star Marcia Cross engaged
...in attempt to do authentic character research into infidelity


8/21/05
Grant protects relics from Revolutionary War
...against Lee who prefers relics from Civil War

Shuttle Discovery home after Calif. detour
...Mrs. Discovery looks peeved, demands explanation

Sunnis warn against constitution draft
...saying the bottled version tastes much better

West Coast states unite on car regulations
...and require dreamcatchers on all rear view  mirrors

Some employers offer cross-border insurance
...since that's where their staff was imported from

'Virgin' scores at box office with $20.6 million
...though he could have gotten an Asian massage for $50


8/22/05
Shiites, Kurds reach Iraq constitution deal
...They're just going to ignore it like Bush has with his

600M Asian children living in poverty
...Alternatively, 600M poor chilren living in Asia

Former 'GoodFellas' mobster found guilty
...Other mobsters found in trunk of Cadillac

Law favors insurers on disability coverage
...to add the proverbial insult to disabling injury

Survey ranks Wis. school tops in drinking
...thus explaining popularity of cheese hats

Electricity cut halts Iraq oil exports
...as Red Queen screams then pricks finger

Some employers allowing shorts on hot days
...Some topless bars also considering casual attire for dancers

Bush: US must finish job in Iraq to honor the fallen
...Meanwhile more fallen accumulate to honor this vicious cycle

U.S. moves closer to full ties with Libya
...after only having bow ties for decades

Rising fuel costs pinch U.S. school districts
...School districts to file sexual harassment suit

Iranian dissident ends hunger strike
...after being tempted with bacon


8/23/05
Televangelist calls for Chavez' death
...or God will take $15 million home

Chicago tour shows what happens to garbage
...after more than 30 years boozing it up on the road

Israel pressures Palestinians after pullout
...to take pregnancy test 'just in case'

Venezuela slams Robertson over remarks
...and God concurs

Spin magazine charts rock's best body parts
...James Brown's sweat glands again top list
...narrowly edging out Keith Richards' liver

Bush to meet with China's Hu at White House
...Speech writers hastily review Abbot & Costello sketches

Israel shows moving settlements is not so hard
...after the bloody fingernails are swept away

Antarctic ozone hole grows from last year-WMO
...after being screwed by world's biggest dickheads

Nun's wild dancing earns her a reprimand
...after several priests miraculously turn straight

U.S. dodges Robertson comments on Chavez
...as GOP considers him for 2008 nomination

Israel completes Gaza Strip withdrawal
...uncharacteristically setting good example for US

Harvard scientists fuse skin and stem cells
...in effort to make Joan Rivers appear more life-like

Evangelical programs seek to mold politicians
...into anachronisms from even earlier centuries

FCC considers forcing cable TV competition
...to lure viewers from mind-numbing 'reality tv'

Economy in mountain states gains momentum
...so maybe Mohammed won't have to move after all


8/24/05
Google to launch instant messaging service
...to send low priority messages immediately

Woman offended by doctor's obesity advice
...'Lose 250 now: Just shoot yourself'

Tour director says Armstrong fooled world
...Apparently, he still needs training wheels

U.K. unveils measures against hate preachers
...Lightning rods will be attached to them at all times

Summer TV shows fail to excite viewers
...as Charo again fails to come out of retirement

Bush: Pullout would hurt Iraq's democracy
...Ironically, his election hurt our democracy

Some Web phone customers may be cut off
...when they try to simulaneously cyber and talk

Ad dropped featuring nun holding condom
...since most prefer to use a diaphragm

Retiree attacks woman over poolside chair
...[And that was today's write-your-own-Viagra-joke]

Nonprofits cloak donations to Schwarzenegger
...with that thing they used in the 'Predator' movies

Looting maid targeted De Niro's wife - papers
...but may be allowed to retain use of her thumbs

Harrod's set to unveil Princess Diana statue
...from behind ears of Prince Charles statue

Envoy seeks to ease U.S., Germany tension
...by shipping all the Jews to Canada

Pentagon laser design could mimic 'Star Wars'
...as Bush does unceasing Jar Jar impression


8/25/05
Maryland police chief fights drugs on two fronts
...as LSD hallucinations distort concept of front/back

New cell phones to let parents monitor kids
...in addition to pestering them about when they're coming home

Base-closing panel examine Pentagon plans
...but will require more sensitive instruments to find any

Machine lets soldiers hurdle buildings
...instead of knocking them down like they used to

Wiretaps reveal Italy tycoons' dirty laundry
...while Sharon Stone reveals she isn't even wearing that

China, Russia wrap up military exercise
...and just let soldiers get really, really fat

Tests reveal problems with bulletproof vests
...Specifically, they don't keep you from being shot in the head

Iran in talks with U.N. nuclear watchdog
...after radioactivity apparently produces talking dog

Poll finds Schwarzenegger ballot measures under fire
...but can only truely be destroyed by dropping them in molten steel

Matsushita to sell 65-inch TV in Japan from Nov
...So Japanese celebrities can appear life-size in living rooms

Sirius introduces portable unit that stores music
...Sony says, Didn't we invent the walkman in 1980?

Kenya moves 400 elephants from overcrowded reserve
...after appearance of a mouse triggers an 8.0 earthquake

Israeli soldiers show a softer side
...by collectively mooning Palestinians

Martha Stewart details two new TV series
...also details home with tacky knick-knacks

Bush ready to assist with Katrina damage
...the way he has with collateral damage in Iraq


8/26/05
Commission votes to save Ellsworth base
...Rescue team and equipment rapidly mobilized

London Zoo unveils live human exhibit
...following populatity of Mtv's 'Osbournes'

Grand Canyon to get glass-bottomed walk
...to be covered with urine from acrophobes

Louisville monks create tribute to boxer Ali
...in misguided effort to promote Christian pacifism

Bush calls on Iraq to urge compromise
...given how well he has modeled it at home

Base closings might sap support for military
...But draft-dodging sap in White House supports them

Regulators delay decision on Barr's 'morning after' pill
...until morning after year after year after year

Chavez: If anything happens to me, blame Bush
...and if anything happens to Pat Robertson... good riddence!

Redford and Newman may pair up again on screen
...but fans really miss pairing of Seinfeld and Newman

Singapore carves niche in stem cell research
...by beating it repeatedly with a bamboo cane

Wall Street/Fed at odds on effect of dollar crash
...but most plan to use a safer means of transportation

Army worker suspect in possible DNA deceit
...Stands accused of smuggling chromosomes

Iraqi forces may need years of preparation
...H [rest of punchline deemed pattently redundant]

SEC requests information from Pixar
...about whether there will be an 'Incredibles' sequel


8/27/05
Sunnis cite 13 problems with constitution
...#1: It was written by Iraqis

N.M., Mexico agree to raze lawless town
...Nat'l Guard called in to protect Las Vegas

Civil Rights Walk of Fame inducts eleven
...Okay, so it's still a very short walk

Suspected Egypt militants use land mines
...If they're suspects, shouldn't this say 'allegedly'?

'Loverspy' program creator is indicted
...by recently divorced district attorney

California courts adopt simpler jury guide
...after 12 idiots couldn't convict Michael Jackson

Iraqi morgue worker endures in face of chaos
...since that means he's doing big business right now

Wax head of Mozart is stolen from museum
...in hopes of pressing it into a hit record

John Paul aide named Krakow Archbishop
...but is considering changing name to something shorter

Governors vow to fight Air National Guard cuts
...with jets and bombers and missles and other toys

CO2 market needs federal push to blossom
...thought some find CO2 market suffocating


8/28/05
Iraq parliament obtains draft constitution
...from someone in another class and cheats off it

Anti-gay church protests at GI funerals
...in effort to steal 'least popular' title from Gilbert Gottfried

No sign of legendary cat in Monitor cannon
...Apparently, all it needed was push from cannonball

Sharon's son indicted in corruption scandal
...to fullfill prerequisite for future career in politics

'Suge' Knight shot at Miami Beach party
...in his yearly vaccination booster against lead

Talabani won't sign Saddam death sentence
...in departure from standard policy of indiscriminate killing

Bush prepares hurricane relief effort
...by delivering unintentionally comic speeches


8/29/05
Former Aryan Nations HQ up for auction
...Features central heating powered by really big ovens

Stocks set to fall on hurricane worries
...Fortunately, worries are inflated to break fall

Psychological pressure grows for Iraq troops
...as larger helmets are still on back order

More advertisers use 'real women' pitches
...to diplomatically reach tubby housewives

Sharon: More West Bank settlements would go for peace
...Sorry, he mean to say would go for pieces (of gold)

Camera phones boosting digital camera sales-study
...but lowering the average quality of porn on the web

Latin fans ready to dial up ringtones
...as only way to make J-Lo more annoying

India moves on river plan, critics warn of disaster
...but India points out is has plenty of Indians to spare

Dogs go woof over Brazilian puppy love motel
...reads headline marking slowest news day of the week

Iraq constitution said vague on some points
...U.S. president said dim by most measures

Rumsfeld criticizes some BRAC decisions
...Space Ghost relieves Brak of decision-making duties

Palestinians said committed to cease-fire
...Most think they should be committed to an institution

France, Belgium publish airline blacklist
...US considering same; to include the French

UCI investigating Armstrong allegations
...but can't catch him to ask questions

Bush urges citizens to wait out hurricane
...in effort to thin out 'blue' voters downtown

Japanese robot knows words, can house-sit
...so it's more qualified than most teenagers for the job



Katrina headlines!
Okay, so the headlines took longer to arrive on this page than the Nat'l Guard did in N.O.  Still, they made it and none of you drowned in a sea of media coverage in the meantime, right?  This is why they invented SSRIs.

In the past I've usually avoided tragic topics as fodder for my headlines.  However, the aftermath of Katrina is so full of irony, I just can't let this on-going event pass without comment.

I am a former New Orleanian, much like a lot of the refugees from Katrina will be calling themselves.  I write this on 9/6/05 roughly a week after the storm hit.  At the time of this writing my parents are holed up in a hotel in northern Mississippi (their home without power but at least not flooded).  Their room is next to my aunt and uncle's whose house apparently received ~2' of water.  Another aunt from Algiers is presently in Houston with other family members, her house likely partially submerged.  I have another aunt whose home was only a few blocks from the MS beach in the ironically named Waveland may very well not have a home any longer.  As for the rest of my extended family, no one knows.  Phone service is sporadic, so many circuits are continually busy or knocked out completely.

The debate goes on about how to clean up the city if/when they pump it dry.  I think to myself, was it ever clean?  Why didn't we have this debate earlier, back when scuba gear wasn't required?  I mean, it wasn't like the city/shooting gallery didn't have a shortage of potential chain gangs to put toward cleaning it up.  Most people clean when they have company over.  On the other hand, there's New Orleans whose economy is driven largely by tourism.  We have nothing but visitors.  I guess the plan was to ensure they were always too drunk to notice.

I'm watching news stories about people too stupid to leave and proceeding to suck up manpower in efforts to forcibly evict them while other residents of New Atlantis are literally treading water waiting for assistance.  You know what?  Tie a brick to the obstinate ones.  Not a one of them have an IQ above sea level.

The mayor of the city has been featured on multiple news program.  Odds are you've seen an interview with him by now.  His main (read: only) point has been to complain about the slow response time.  Anyone who has seen footage of this guy knows that this is the worst case of the pot calling the kettle black.  You want to talk about slow response time?  This guy takes ten minutes to formulate a(n incoherent) response.  This is the first time I've seen a critic of GWB that was less articulate than the source of his ire.

So, seriously, people.  Are you going to get offended if I have a laugh at the headlines delivered up in rapid succession during the media's feeding frenzy?  I hope not.  While my family was affected by the hurricane, so are a lot of people who had it coming.  You know, like the kids (now grown, I guess) who picked on me in elementary school.  Ha, ha!

A deluge of headlines will follow over the next few weeks' worth of news coverage.  You have been warned, so stock up on your provisions.


8/30/05
Katrina leaves millions without power
...much like Bush's inauguration did years ago

Superdome refugees get some fresh air
...since Katrina ripped a gaping hole in the roof

Brace for more Katrinas, say experts
...as ban on cloning doesn't extend to hurricanes

Crews pass dead to reach Katrina survivors
...Dead reportedly unconcerned and have no comment

Saints players' thoughts on New Orleans
...are dulled by multiple concussive head injuries

Schwarzenegger museum in Austria to close
...but talks for a sequel are in the works

Judy Garland's famed ruby slippers stolen
...by thief who mysteriously disappeared to home

McCartney's music catalog is pop treasury
...By contrast, Poison's catalog is pop obscurity

Spears slams teen rage reports
...and breaks irony detectors one more time

FBI to do prisoner 'threat assessment'
...to determine how thick the bars should be

Both sides step up battle over US court nominee
...because he's almost as handsome as John Edwards

No brain cancer link to mobile phones, study says
...but prolonged use clearly leads to brain death in many

Asian militant group sharing bomb designs
...and are disqualified by judges for cheating

Squatters' havens ordered closed in Paris
...which is saying a lot when the French can't take the smell

Katrina cripples Gulf Coast gambling industry
...Ironically, gambling industry crippled Gulf Coast residents

Fast food "clusters" seen around schools
...mainly on the hips and thighs of cheerleaders


8/31/05
Crisis grows as flooded New Orleans looted
...so, basically, it's business as usual

Bush expected to visit storm-ravaged areas
...to provide comic relief for victims

College dorms now home to bigger beds
...to can accomodate professors of failing coeds during finals

Dylan looks back with PBS documentary
...Subtitles will be provided for the Dylan impaired

Katrina leaves many college students stranded
...Incidentally, so does excessive alcohol

MasterCard to pursue initial public offering
...Investors attempt to charge stocks on credit

Bush sees hurricane damage from Air Force One
...Correction: the hurricane damage was from Katrina

Civil rights leaders oppose U.S. court nominee
...Roberts cries discrimination

Solidarity's Walesa says "job done" after 25 years
...Consumers say unions totally suck ass

World leaders deplore Baghdad stampede
...as ineffective means of population control

U.S. indicts four in alleged Calif. terror plot
...for producing 'Fear Factor' for NBC

New Orleans police ordered to control looting
...Technically, since it's on water, this is actually piracy

White House to release oil from reserves
...into Alaska's Prince William Sound

Refugees still showing up at Superdome
...Of course, even Saints fans come there no matter what


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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