The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.


7/1/2005
Bush questions Iran leader-elect's past
...and orders CBS news to investigate

Justice O'Connor retires from Supreme Court
...plans to mope about in her robe all the time now

Mexico's Fox says new stamp not racist
...but still won't work even when backs are wet

Interest groups mobilize for confirmation battle
...while disinterest groups pine for Jackson trial

Anti-poverty protesters march in Scotland
...while anti-poverty protesters stagger in Ireland

Miami archdiocese to pay sex abuse settlement of 500,000 dollars
...as church finances legal-but-very-expensive rape

Bush says he'll pick replacement quickly
...since he never bothers to think before he acts

Kan. lawmakers miss court-imposed deadline
...to evolve a brain

US, North Korea have contacts
...but would like to get Lasik surgery

Bush plan targets malaria, education
...both expected to be eliminated by 2010

Data show orcas defy sleeping
...thanks to frequent visits to Starbucks

Bill would cover anti-anxiety medications
...Thanks, Bill, but that makes me nervous

Rare 'lobster' baby born in Peru
...Mother alarmed when boiling water requested during delivery


7/2/05
Japanese man sets record in pi recitation
...Bulemics set record in pie regurgitation

Five years on, Mexico democracy celebrations muted
...in the first known case of Mexicans celebrating quietly

Nelson Mandela outshines rock royalty at global Live 8 extravaganza
...with blistering solo electric guitar version of 'We Are the World'

DVD slump challenges studios
...to make DVD menus more gaudy and annoying

Estonians snatch world wife-carrying title again
...after Mr. Star Jones is crushed in first round of contest

Folk legend Pete Seeger looks back
...as if folk singers are every looking ahead

Politics cloud focus of Live 8 concerts
...as opposed to most concerts clouded by pot smoke


7/3/05
Lava dome falls into Mount St. Helens
...after failing to notice 'wet floor' signs

Schwarzenegger campaigns against climate change
...or any other kind of change since '39

Redneck games celebrate 10th anniversary
...which means they're old enough to marry now

Gonzales deflects queries about high court
...Bush deflects queries because he's a homophobe

With Coke in their sights, G8 dissidents serve up left-wing alternatives
...With coke in his bloodstream Bush offers just the opposite

Japan says underwater volcano causing vapor column
...Cosmo magazine publishes several similar columns monthly

Court's liberal bloc stands firm
...while reviewing pornography case

New chief for toxics coalition
...Three guesses what happened to the old one

Military concerned about troops' weight
...so they're making the rations taste worse

Experts don't expect more cases of Mad Cow
...Critics contend those who believe them likely infected

Former senator who founded Earth Day dies
...Republicans say burial was in a liberal plot


7/4/05
'Once You're Born' named best Italian movie
...'Many Times You're Born' named best Tibetan movie

China treats addicted video-game players
...like the wash-outs they really are

Bullish New York promises Olympic present for Bush
...They'll burn books of his chosing at torch lighting

Horseradish mixture may combat hog odor
...just in case anyone has a problem with that

At 59, Bush inspiring Americans on health
...by demonstrating how to survive pretzel attacks

2Pac keeps 'Crazy' Charlotte from top of UK chart
...Charlotte vows to kill him, but someone got there first as well

Tijuana to vendors: Dress up or leave
...Tijuana to tourists: Smoke up our leaves

Russian astrologer sues NASA over comet experiment
...Related story: Ms. Cleo sues Tom Cruise for stealing her mojo

50 terrorist groups believed to be in Canada
...Remarkably that's more than the entire population

Bloomberg: NYC still has shot at Olympics
...Funny how NYC never seems to run out of ammo


7/5/05
Goof gets man into World Series of Poker
...Actually, same could be said of most contestants

Japan's lower house approves postal reform
...since it couldn't get mail at that address

Study questions extent of autism in U.S.
...as Sci-Fi channel ratings continue decline

L.A. schools wrestle with building issues
...since issues came without assembly instructions

Slow walking may best control obesity
...as long as it isn't in the direction of the fridge


7/6/05
Genetics study finds twins grow apart
...as Olson experiment continues in tabloids

Dior closes men's fashion week with flair
...thereby negating the 'men's' in 'men's fashion week'

Reporters face jail in fight over sources
...which is only convenient for interviewing inmates

Chilean court strips Pinochet of immunity
...T-cells ordered to turn themselves in by noon

Bush falls off bike at Gleneagles in Scotland
...but he's okay after breaking fall with his head

Luke Skywalker's light saber up for auction
...Said no longer needed to beat teenager in a helmet


7/7/2005
Dejected cities deal with losing Olympics
...by competing in drinking games

Stars pressure G8 at Edinburgh Live 8 show
...but world leaders can't talk over noise from bands

Firecrackers launch Pamplona bull festival
...2000 election launched bull festival in U.S.

Tribe blocks American Indian baby's adoption
...unless they receive promised trunk of beads

Tax revenues strengthen state budgets
...One would think that's what they're based upon

CosmoGirl to feature Japanese-style comic
...in effort to attract nerdy teenage male readership

No intelligence of attacks on U.S. - officials
...since attacks on U.S. wouldn't be very intelligent

U.S. a tougher target than Europe - experts
...because it's always in motion?


7/8/2005
Iraq to world: Keep diplomats in Baghdad
...or terrorists will keep them here as hostages

Health screenings for Teflon to start
...but doctors fear results won't stick

Gov. Bush ends probe of Schiavo husband
...after discovering he has a functioning brain

Pros, amateurs descend on poker series
...Players' marriages expected to similarly descend

FDA orders warning label on Viagra
...in addition to the implict one for wives


7/9/2005
David Lee Roth to replace Howard Stern
...[punchline declared redundant]

Minn. lawmakers end government shutdown
...much to anarchists' disappointment

More Catholics accepting of married priests
...considering the cruel alternative for altar boys

B.I.G.'s family to renew case against L.A.
...Is anyone surprised they're back for seconds?

Some doctors specialize in treating teens
...like the whiney children they really are

Lance Armstrong goes solo to protect lead
...but remember when David Lee Roth tried this?

Bishops seen reluctant to demand Arroyo quit
...unless rooks able to help them take the back files

California suspends medical marijuana plan
...since it's kind of redundant


7/10/2005
London police shrink timeline for blasts
...by washing it in warm water

Universal health care push being revived
...in emergency room at ridiculous prices

Housing markets pricing out middle class
...Trailer park stocks close up six points

U.S. military's energy-beam weapons delayed
...by unrealistic expectations from the Trekkies

Wisc. study shows about one in five obese
...Apparently, the other four in five chewed Trident

U.K. memo details U.S. Iraq troop withdrawal
...Bush wants a copy to use as a 'cheat sheet'

Israel wall to cut off thousands of Palestinians
...To give other side will have something to wail about

North Korea breakthrough reached over dinner
...just like in that scene in the first 'Alien' movie


7/11/2005
South Africa's Cape baboons being maimed
...No, wait, their asses always look like that

Calif. girl boxer fights for chance in the ring
...and K.O.s boxing commisioner in first round

Supreme Court choices remain unpredictable
...since Bush thinks they're having a toga party

Kyrgyzstan leader vows to revive democracy
...with knowledge from that CPR course he took

New Jersey town named best in country
...after pressure from local Soprano family

Dairy industry skeptical about cloned cows
...Meanwhile farmers continue to sight UFOs

U.S. may begin Iraq troop drawdown in '06
...Troops drawndown in quagmire since '02


7/12/2005
After G-8, Blair puts ball in Africa's court
...conceeding that they're just better at sports

Gambling habits linked to Parkinson's drug
...where patients can't help but shake the dice

U.S. workers say they waste 2 hours a day
...telling surveyers how much time they waste

Cattle wed in 2,000-guest Thai ceremony
...Barbarque reception to follow

Greece hosts conference on Atlantis myth
...Moved from Bermuda Triangle last year due to no-shows

White House maintains silence about Rove
...a lesson they should have taught him in hindsight

Rice supports food aid to North Korea
...[Oh, that's just too funny as it is]

Cellphone headset use isn't safer for drivers
...but cellphone crash helmets to reach market soon

Pentagon says key Zarqawi operative caught in Iraq
...Also caught in Iraq: Thousands of U.S. 'reserve' troops

White House: Bush has confidence in Rove
...but that will probably leak too

Geologist: Laguna landslide predictable
...but the plot twist with the volcano was cool

Microsoft warns of software flaws in Word, Windows
...but these are more advanced flaws than last year's snafus

Internet surfing tops list of workplace time wasters
...Reading this is probably a close second through, right?

Study tries to explain anorexia symptoms
...Results to be published as Calvin Klein ads

Men at much higher eye injury risk
...from peeping through holes in lockroom showers

Elderly woman in U.S. hoards more than 300 cats
...in hopes she'll corner the market to finance her retirement


7/13/2005
Bush won't comment on Rove during probe
...a rare example Rove should have actually followed

British police seek terror mastermind
...even if he is an oxymoron

First lady seeks to empower African women
...by demanding that Congress declare her Oprah

Federal workers to share $10M lottery win
...with other government emploees at IRS

Demands straining Army to keep up with war
...but Bush continues steady supply of war anyway

Scientists raise alarm about ocean health
...saying it looks a little blue

Lobotomy debate resurfaces after 30 years
...as more humane alternative to impeachment


7/14/2005
Big crops seen boosting farm subsidies
...No, wait, that's big government

New book examines lifecycle of garbage
...by documenting history of country music

Hurricane Emily pounds Grenada
...who won't retaliate by hitting a girl

Pakistan investigating tip on London suspect
...which is like investigating tip on an iceberg

Microsoft and Marvel ink online game deal
...X-box/X-men possibilities too tempting to pass up

Lawmakers take costly trip to see Shuttle
...though it was cheaper than if it had already launched

'Transformers' set for big screen adaptation
...of unauthorized Michael Jackson biography

Senate moving to protect gun industry
...in attempt to bolster domestic irony levels


7/15/2005
Sen. Clinton seeks 'Grand Theft' sex scene probe
...to determine her husband wasn't a star in it

Scientists decode three deadly parasite genomes
...including that of Britany's Kevin Federline

Governors vow to help Mexico on violence
...by shipping their criminals over the border

Firm develops 'two-way viewing' LCD TV
...Suddenly 'Big Brother' won't be just on CBS

SpongeBob pitching fruits and vegetables
...at Rev. Jerry Faldwell for calling him gay

Emily weakens after striking Grenada
...because of the hurt look Grenada gave her

Adoption agency rejects Catholic parents
...as they have enough kids already, dammit!


7/16/2005
Israel launches fresh air strikes, violence surges
...in response to anyone who would strike fresh air

Blair decries extremists' 'evil ideology'
...and severs ties with Bush administration

Egypt not ready to extradite biochemist
...because then they wouldn't have any scientists left

Maintaining cover critical for espionage
...says reporter after year-long investigation

Eminem to make final bow as solo artist-report
...in compliance with conditions of EPA's 'Clean Air Act'

Supplier to market 'talking' pill bottles
...Actually, hallucinogens provide similar effect


7/17/2005
Hurricane Emily begins lashing Yucatan
...on latest kinky sex tape to surface on the web

Fake shark skin could aid U.S. Navy fleet
...as jackets of it have aided Coumbians for decades

Ky. to drop 'Mr. Smiley' license plates
...after they induced depression in most drivers

Comic-Con fans enjoy growing influence
...among university autism researchers

Hurricane Emily barrels toward Mexico resorts
...fueled by insatiable cravings for tequilla

Methamphetamine use becoming epidemic
...but at least this means no more obesity epidemic

Sharpton urges calm during LAPD probe
...not that he's ever set a good example there

Hurricane Emily slams into Mexican beach resorts
...much like the drunken vacationers preceeding it

Frustrated Iraqis ready to take law into own hands
...Note: Iraqi law takes Iraqi hands for taking things

High court pick to have 'mainstream' values - Bush
...Well, mainstream for the 14th century anyway

Sardinia wants U.S. Navy to leave port
...or sherry or amontillado if they have any


7/18/05
Polanski, in court video link, 'shocked' by article
...and can't wait to direct the film adaptation

Depp's 'Chocolate Factory' has tasty opening
...[Punchline declared obscene by order of God]

TiVo upgrade allows instant response to TV ads
...People will now fast-forward immediately

Shuttle delay worries intl space station partners
...because they don't have any buddies to bum rides from

Two luxury cars get top crash test ratings
...thanks to continuing efforts by Billy Joel

Divorce and marriage rates in U.S. on decline
...not that these statistics are mutually exclusive

Dealer claims Manet work found at flea market
...Hence there is no such thing as a 'starving con artist'

Gene is linked with obesity and diabetes
...No, Roger is the one you're thinking of


7/19/05
NASA still stumped by fuel gauge problem
...Yeah, I used this one on a date once as well.

Israeli forces stop settlers from marching
...'Either march or settle, dammit' say forces

Anti-doping head blasts Conte plea deal
...but dope-heads would apparenrly love it

Study says ethanol not worth the energy
...not that those who consume too much have any

Iraqi cleric Sadr urges restraint after attacks
...Restraints proposed likely to include straight jackets

Kentucky among nation's unhealthiest states
...Two words: Fried Chicken

Diaz signature on release was forged - experts
...since she's clearly too stupid to sign her own name

Pakistan holding seven in London probe
...U.S. holding Aces and eights

Fatah, Hamas agree to seek end to fighting
...by killing as many enemies as possible

Doctor who made Atlantic crossing dies
...What?  Did someone say Doctor Who?

Low fat, low-cal candy sales quadruple
...but it's ineffective when 4x as much is consumed

Commission votes to add two bases to list
...Two more and they'll have a home run

Dark chocolate may lower blood pressure
...so bring some home to the wife when you're going to be late


7/20/05
Gates puzzled by computer science apathy
...Gates also puzzled by fashion consultants' suggestions

London mayor: West fueled Islamic radicalism
...Ironically, Islamic countries fuel our Humvees

London police find no trace of chemical agents
...So, technically, they're actually secret agents

U.S. jobless claims drop sharply last week
...when street corner window washers unionize

Experts call new London blasts 'amateurish'
...compared to pyrotechnics in Michael Bay movies

U.S. cities look for ways to secure rails
...Engineers suggest cross-ties and gravel

Muslim group seeks London bombings inquiry
...Coincidentally, London bombings inquiry seeks Muslim group


7/21/05
Michael Jackson misses hearing in civil case
...but has a note from over 70 different doctors

Police to search bags on NYC subways
...which could take quite a while with the bag ladies

Vatican paper condemns Canada gay marriage
...for being limited to partners over the age of 18

Feds bust U.S.-Canada smuggling tunnel
...Why would anyone sumuggle Canada?

Schwarzenegger approval hits new low - poll
...Career dips below 'Jingle All the Way' era numbers

'Housewives' embraces gay attitude - creator
...Least likely to be embraced by gays: Actual housewives

Study suggests Mars frozen for 4 billion years
...after being pushed behind those leftovers no one wanted

U.S. deserter denies being propaganda tool
...saying propaganda tools are usually in metric


7/22/05
Arsenic linked to King George's madness
...and maybe linking to his wife's madness at him

Marketing group takes dead off contact lists
...after cutbacks eliminate psychic department

Teen girls may handle stress better than boys
...which is why they're the ones who get pregnant

N. Korea offers to abandon nuclear weapons
...on unsuspecting enemies' doorsteps

U.N. slams destruction of Zimbabwe's slums
...saying they made rest of world's look good

Daylight-saving extension prompts outcry
...by conservationists who say it will soon be depleted

Convicted spy Pollard loses sentencing appeal
...speaking of losing appeal, remember Britany Spears?

Ford contemplates cutting more staff
...as penis reduction surgery finds surprising popularity

Ex-CIA officers rip Bush over Rove leak
...even though rips could cause still more leaking

People who lose weight may gain wealth
...from what they save on ice cream each month

Online registry of U.S. sex offenders launched
...to be exactly the opposite of an on-line personals site


7/23/05
Senator's bill would tax Internet pornography
...National deficit to be eliminated in under two weeks

U.S. general: Taliban recruiting children
...as Bush admin's anti-abortion stance backfires

Experts: No single al-Qaida mastermind
...nor even half a brain among the lot of them

Poll: Americans say World War III likely
...Considering we're pushing for it

Hiker survives five days in lava field
...Teachers scoff, suggest he try their field


7/24/05
Time editor defends giving up notes in probe
...but has no excuse for passing notes in class

Kleenex maker plans to cut 6,000 jobs
...Good thing they'll have tissues handy

Reruns test if reality TV has second life
...Reality TV proves viewers don't have any life

Video game sex scandal stirs US standards debate
..Many fear catching viruses from cybersex

Triple-digit temperatures scorch Midwest
...Too bad they'll never have that problem with IQs


7/25/05
NASA may bend rules to launch Discovery
...Civil libertarians say gravity should apply equally

China set to suit up women for space travel
...to follow six miles behind males' rocket

GOP senators push detainee treatment rules
...Also pushed: detainees themselves

White House said to block Roberts papers
...It's scary when they start censoring their own

N.Korea crisis talks resume after year's break
...Good response time to 'crisis,' say observers


7/26/05
Report: Iraq police need better screening
...or, let's face it, a new country in a better neighborhood

Netflix near launch of movie downloads
...Download of first film to complete in 2007

Iraq constitution may erode women's rights
...Stunned Iraqi women ask 'What rights?'

NYPD hopes to learn from London bombings
...Not that they need any help terrorizing citizens

Microsoft begins new piracy restrictions
...thus ending two decades of plundering Apple

Some Roberts documents being released
...but many just waiting for the movie version

Annan urges Trump to bid on U.N. contract
...in hopes of more positive tv coverage in future

Canadian lab to test 'sasquatch' hair
...to see if its natural color really is blonde

N.Y., N.J. commuters OK with bag searches
...because they like to show off what they bought uptown

Some papers pull, edit 'Doonesbury' strip
...because most readers don't get the jokes anyway

'Shoot-to-kill' is old debate for U.K. forces
...Three guesses how they won that argument

Circumcision may reduce AIDS risk - study
...because it hurts too much to put it in anything!

Report: Eminem says he's 'taking a break'
...since he ran out of words that rhyme with 'duck'

Aruba draining lake in Holloway search
...and draining media coverage of actual news

Flu viruses can quickly swap genes -study
...if they bought the wrong size, say Old Navy managers

More hotels changing bed sheets less often
...[Dyslexics are encouraged to call for help with this headline]


7/27/05
Discovery crew begins shuttle inspection
...Shuttle is asked to turn nosecome and cough

Avoidable lightning deaths mount in 2005
...leading to sharp decline in golfing population

GM to end its employee-discount incentive
...since Mexicans building them still can't afford them

Kate Moss wins libel case over drug report
...based on the fact she has never injested anything

McCain revives Straight Talk America PAC
...while 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' revives Gay Talk

Underwood, Martin voted sexiest vegetarians
...which says just how narrow this demographic is

U.S. renews travel advisory for Mexico
...Comedy sketches on Univision do much the same

New L.A. mayor pushing public transit
...as gas prices drive mayor to extrenes

China calls rapid rise opportunity, not threat
...so, hey, come back, nice pretty lady!


7/28/05
Sex scenes in video games worry makers
...as they revise the definition of 'high scores'

Senate GOP moves up vote on gun lawsuits
...because these aren't people you want to get angry

Spotlight unnerves Montreal's music scene
...as province is used to six months without sunlight

Egyptians detain at least 25 in mountains
...Technically, detainment in a mountain = burial

Iraq affecting mental health of U.S. troops
...as soldiers catch whatever made locals so crazy

DNA tests refute Yukon sasquatch discovery
...which means the Yeti was not Bigfoot's daddy

Shuttle grounding may cause layoffs
...Conversely, liftoffs would prevent layoffs

John Lennon memorabilia to be auctioned
...in effort to imagine there's no possessions (only cash)


7/29/05
Koreas agree to hold friendly soccer matches
...though Europe long since proved this is oxymoronic

Bid to speed death penalty appeals under fire
...from firing squad

'Penguins' success defies box office trend
...started by water fowl Howard the Duck

Ballet luminaries teaching classes for young
...who are still vunerable to bulemia promoters

Discovery commander surprised at shedding
...since he regularly uses 'Head and Shoulders'

Wendy's to sell part of Tim Hortons chain
...and have removed thumbs from their menu


7/30/05
U.S., North Korea differ on nuclear policy
...in terms of who they want to drop them on

Roberts hearing to start on September 6
...when he will receive a cochlear transplant

Soldier in Iraq records country-music hit
...Correction: Foreign country-music hit

Doctors give Bush high marks on physical
...but on mental, well, that's another story entirely

Lawyers for Saddam claim he was attacked
...Military admits, well, we certainly tried pretty hard


7/31/05
Man wants to create town for the deaf
...so AC/DC can practice without noise complaints

World records fall at swimming championships
...after running on wet concrete around pools

Bush seen lagging on second term goals
...but is now able to read at a 4th grade level

Bush comforts thousands at Scout Jamboree
...After all, kids do love clowns

Israeli zoo in Gaza set to evacuate animals
...so they'll have more cages for the locals


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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