The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.


6/1/05
Toyota aims to sell service robots by 2010
...Robots to revolt against humans by 2061

Italian judge orders teen "bully" to slim down
...by awarding plaintiff a pound of flesh

Bush hits back at critics of 'war on terror'
...by mailing them anthrax with income tax returns

PETA company spy reveals her identity
...after James Bond slips off her fur coat

Iraq concerned U.S. may leave too soon
...Most find this unlikely since 2003 has long since passed

South Korea applauds Bush diplomacy vow
...as most hilarious oxymoron ever coined

Children threatened by obesity-related syndrome
...Specifically, chubby classmates trying to steal their lunches

Rumsfeld slams Amnesty over 'gulag' report
...and threatens to send authors to Siberia

Ex-prosecutors say 'Deep Throat' broke rules
...Psychologists say lawyers devoid of perspective

Report: Mark Felt claims to be 'Deep Throat'
...Monica Lewinsky sues for trademark infringment

Gulf wilderness area may open to drilling
...just like Paris Hilton

FEMA altering how it handles disasters
...from sitting down and crying over everything

European leaders may scrap constitution
...following lead by Bush in 2002

Saudis angry over plan to OK women drivers
...as a step backwards on war against terrorism

Viagra use may raise STD risk in gay men
...almost as much as cut-off jeans shorts


6/2/05
Jackson lawyers to conclude arguments
...on whether 'Thiller' video was foreshadowing

Obesity research shows 3 crucial periods
...commonly known as Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

Rumsfeld warns China on lack of democracy
...noting what it's done to our country lately

Israeli, Palestinian leaders to meet in Jerusalem for first time
...Odds are slim it will be in a manger though

Schools restrict use of Tasers
....to gym class and science projects

Police 'free' S&M sex slave from car trunk
...and he immediately asks to be handcuffed

Health costs of obesity exceed smoking and drinking
...Related story: Kirsty Alley declared a superfund site

Police say man stealing gas used lighter
...to earn nomination for Darwin Award

Global nuclear weapons talks end without agreement
...hence the perceived need for nukes on both sides

Blair looks to sell Bush on Africa
...Tales of 'black gold' entice hillbilly

'Deep Throat' revelation raises new questions
...that even otolaryngologists can't answer


6/3/05
Mexico's carmakers in a ditch
...Mexico's tow truck makers to arrive after siesta

Black boxes for cars slow to catch on
...since they so rarely match leather interiors

Archaeologists find hoard of Celtic coins
...inside Celtic parking meters outside mead hall

British hospitals ponder removal of 'health risk' bedside Bibles
...after link found to cases of brain rot in several Midwestern US states

Siberia losing lakes at alarming rate
...due to case of early-onset Alzheimer's

'Deep Throat' spurs debate over media
...Rent it or download it; that is the question

Jackson lawyer calls accusations a con
...'He most certainly is not 'bad,' 'dangerous' or 'invincible'

Dinosaur's sex no longer a mystery
...after tape with Tommy Lee surfaces on internet

Road noise can improve memory in children
...in unexpected result of parents' request they go play in traffic


6/4/05
U.S. confirms Gitmo soldier kicked Quran
...but says Quran called him an infidel first

'Shadow ads' disturb newspaper editors
...who still have an irrational fear of the dark

Zsa Zsa Gabor's family fighting over will
...[Punchline would be redundant]

Intelligence sees terrorists in Iran
...So does common sense, incidentally

Nepalese climbers wed atop Mount Everest
...to foreshadow the chilliness of the relationship to follow

Extra mile upsets Chicago marathon runners
...And they aren't going to give the extra 10% either

Bolton said to orchestrate unlawful firing
...Bush also orchestrating inexcusable hiring to UN

Ex-QB Marinovich ordered into drug rehab
...'Go long,' says judge

More nursery school children using Internet
...to gossip about whether Bert & Ernie are gay

NYC radio station suddenly drops oldies
...'We've fallen and we can't get up,' exclaim oldies

Azerbaijan opposition rallies for free elections
...instead of having to buy politicians like in U.S.


6/5/05
Radical Iraqi cleric moves into mainstream
...with adult contemporary album of ballads

Colorado district nixes school bullying film
...after poor reviews from Ebert and Roeper

Group disputes count of black Boy Scouts
...since it was conducted in the dark

Booksellers seeing changes in customers
...thanks to effect of diet books they bought last month

Iraq teachers benefiting from increased pay
...allowing them to invest in kevlar wardrobe

Report: Apple switching to Intel chips
...instead of those salty ones from Pringles

Hundreds attend Mo. confederate ceremony
...Hundreds of gun racks adorn trucks in parking lot

Missing Texas student found after 7 years
...in dramatic illustration of Bush's 'No Child Left Behind'

Publisher has over 10 mln Potter books ready
...for Jesus freaks to burn as occult literature

Skateboard hero Hawk looks beyond the board
...at the curb he's about to hit

Republican senator says US prisons best in the world
...in anticipation of Tom DeLay's imminent stay in one

Town criers get together for a cry-off
...Town jerks get together for (oh, never mind)

Reluctant administration appears shifting on Hamas
...Actually, administration appears just plain shifty

Mars rover frees itself from sandy dune
...in high profile divorce case

Jackson's post-trial future hinges on his past
...say time-travel experts from the 30th century

Broadway limo drivers rate the Tony nominees
...by the size of their tips and stains on the back seats

Gene change alters sex orientation in fruit flies
...New breed will obviously be called straight flies

Vaccines show promise for Marburg, Ebola viruses
...but lawyers for viruses want to see it in writing


6/6/05
Pope condemns gay marriages as 'anarchy'
...but most say they'll work out who's on top on their own

Researchers design ballroom dance robots
...Related story: Nerdiness meters register record 8.7

Supreme Court outlaws medical marijuana
...because medicine has to taste bad to work

Poll finds religious devotion high in U.S.
...after 'Jedi' is included as official religion

Experts gather to discuss Antarctic issues
...like how to get group rates tuxedos like penguins

Suicide attempts linked to weight perception
...but successful attempts yield dramatic weight loss results

Hacking gets six years to life for murder
...Prosecutors say his name was proverbial smoking gun

Ringwald mulls 'Sixteen Candles' sequel
...Fire marshals called in to supervise cake lighting


6/7/05
Viagra ingredient approved for hypertension
...as excess blood will be stored in accessory organ

Car safety group makes a big impact
...Ironically, they forgot to wear seat belts

Bolivia president offers to resign
...in misguided attempt to meet 'Deep Throat'

Blogging gains popularity in corporate world
...second only to embezzling office supplies

Pair of white dwarf stars poised to merge
...in pornographic freak show performance

United Airlines to offer internet access
...so flyers can upload luggage from home

'Revenge of the Sith' soars to $309M overseas
....by tapping into French art film crowd

NFL suspends Vikings' Smith for the season
...for failing to reach raping/pillaging quota again

Man carrying chain saw allowed to enter U.S.
...(Sing it!) because he's a lumberjack and he's okay

United to drop automated baggage system
...Baggage to be dropped manually from now on

NYC may withdraw bid for 2012 Olympics
...as runners are likely to be shot by NYPD

Japan develops human-enhancing 'robot suit'
...that dramatically enhances guys' chances with robots

Processing may reduce peanut allergens
...that caused Charlie Brown's head to swell so grossly


6/8/05
'Sopranos' creator hints at seventh season
...FBI wants him to say it clearly on tape; no hinting

Director Ratner tapped for 'X-Men' sequel
...after exhaustive search using Cerebro (only true nerds will get this, sorry)

U.N. urged to end bottom trawling fishing
...for nominees like Bolton

Shanghai cracks down on pirated movies
...long after Errol Flynn and the genre died off

Bush official altered climate change reports
...to correct president's spelling errors

Prison would prove tough if Jackson convicted
...as Michael vows to show who's funky, strong in a fight

Tulsa zoo adds biblical account of creation
...Also, vetrinarians will be replaced by prayer groups

Cruise reaches deal on 'Mission: Impossible 3'
...to play actor brainwashed by pseudoscience cult

Jackson Lawyer says gag order not violated
...because he has a very, very strong stomach

Lawmaker in DeLay inquiry tied to lobbyist
...as scandal grows ever kinkier

Thunderstorms destroy City Hall in S.D.
...as act of God defies separation of church, state


6/9/05
Israeli doctor: Clot may have killed Jesus
...in spite of Mel Gibson's claims the Jews did it

Calif. prison designed for celebrity inmates
...Major innovaton: really, really big mirrors

Hispanics are fastest-growing minority in U.S.
...but on average they peak around 5' 7"

Robots dance, play at World Expo in Japan
...in effort to convince the Japanese to try either

Tropical storm expected to hit Gulf by Friday
...if Gulf continues insults as it has all week

W. House defends altering climate reports
...by saying US pollution has been doing same for decades

Caterpillars could stem cocaine production
...but would yield epidemic extremely figgity butterflies

Experts decode Coldplay album cover art
...but no one can decipher "singer"'s screaming

First lady urges adults to become mentors
...to help her husband overcome learning disabilities

Hurricanes often followed by 'baby booms'
...due to their powerful effects as aphrodisiacs

Youth fashion trends edge toward modesty
...upon realizing no one cares to see their underwear

Abuse cost for Catholic dioceses tops $1B
...In hindsight, cable would have been much cheaper


6/10/05
Study suggests shyness can be inherited
...from people carrying ugliness genes

Japan palace to discontinue cigarette gifts
...after discovering burn holes in the red carpet

Romance writers ignore Washington stories
...since chopping cherry trees isn't the same as popping cherries

Africans wonder whether 'Live 8' will help
...has-been musicians overtake hip-hop artists

Bush, S. Korean leader differ on N. Korea
...Only one of them thinks it's a state

Democrats eye unfolding Ohio coin scandal
...while magicians attempt to replicate unfolding coin trick

Top CEOs describe future technologies
...to make embezzling virtually untraceable

Insurer recommends pill-splitting for savings
...and to make new friends with other users

German 'grandpa gang' of robbers convicted
...after bite-marks on one victim matched dentures

Sean Penn attends prayers in Tehran
...before terrorizing photographers again


6/11/05
Looks matter to Japan's middle-aged men
...but teenage girls stopped giving them long ago

Soccer helps tsunami victims recover, forget
...says reporter with advanced case of Alzheimer's

Detroit mayor threatens to cancel fireworks
...and send constituents to bed without supper

Hubble telescope to view comet collision
...after high-speed chase on 6 o'clock news

Student's big shot changes life, hometown
...as he won't be giving anyone else rabies

Gaza faces uncertain future after pullout
...but will take pregnany test in a few days

Bond market baffles many observers
...Many still banking on Brosnan to play him

Judge orders U.S. to aid salmon species
...to taste better with some lemon pepper

Tyson falls to McBride, announces retirement
...to pursue hobbies like biting, head-butting, and rape

Bolivian protesters, government miss meeting
...but plans made to vacation together this summer

Iran helped overthrow Taliban, candidate says
...futher proving politicians will say in election season

Bush stumps for Patriot Act extension
...Bush also stumped by long division

Iran must build nuclear confidence -Rafsanjani
...Warning: Iran presently nuclear over-confident

Delivering direct food aid a complex task
...when customers expect it in 30 minutes or less

Deadly nerve agent spills at U.S. army depot in Indiana, no injuries reported
...possibly because no one can feel anything as yet

Tropical storm weakens as it hits Florida
...Meterologists expect it will check buy a condo and die there

Anti-BB gun project deemed too dangerous
...as kids will sting the hell out of gun activists


6/12/05
Babe Ruth contract sells for almost one million dollars
...in deal based on hopes clone will be ready to play by 2061

Police hunt leader of polygamist sect
...Likely will be founding waiting for wives in frequeny rest stops

'Deep Throat' wasn't only Watergate source
...but the other family-unfriendly names were even less printable

Poll finds dimmer view of Iraq war
...Note: Pleasant view of war = mental illness

EU urges flexible Chinese currency
...because coins don't fit into their wallets

Hubble telescope to view comet collision
...and will likely be called as a witness in resulting civil suit

Neighbors defend Mo. mining waste mountain
...as just really, really big lawn art

Naked cyclists seek to reclaim Spanish streets
...but only for as long as warm weather holds

New services link mobile users to online magazines
...so people won't have to read Highlights at the dentist

Michael Jackson "suicide spam" leads to computer virus
...reads headline about three worst things on the internet

Obese kids' excess pounds make exercise tough
...because they make larger towel snapping targets in locker rooms

Salt aggravates high blood pressure
...says caustrophobic reporter trapped in salt mine

Pink Floyd to reform for London Live 8 concert
...Related story: Hell reports unseasonably low temperatures


6/13/05
Nausea drug fails against cirrhosis-linked fatigue
...so maybe it's better if you just can't hold your liquour

US announces another mad cow case
...as Rosanne Barr attempts return to headlines

CIA and FBI reach new agreement on intelligence
...but say Bush hasn't demonstrated any yet

Cheney slams Howard Dean as 'over the top'
...Cheney's doctor slams his cholesterol as same

Mass. red tide closes federal waters
...while Tide with bleach used to remove redness

'Freedom Fries' lawmaker wants Iraq timetable
...because his order should have been ready 5 minutes ago

Katie Holmes converting to Scientology
...Patty Hearst empathizes, recalling own abduction

Poll: Six in 10 want U.S. troops to leave Iraq
...Unreported: Ten in 10 U.S. troops want to leave Iraq

Michael Jackson acquitted of all charges
...Ruled 'Not guilty by reason of celebrity'


6/14/05
Gay community growing in conservative Utah
...when Donnie & Marie convention refuses to end

Governments enlist incentives to cut poverty
...Top on list of incentives: Money

Microsoft censors blogs at China Web portal
...following merger by world's two worst human rights violators

Excavation sheds light on early U.S. colonist
...Note: Six feet of dirt previously obscured light on colonist

Jackson faces tough battle to revive career
...as plastic surgery poster spokes-creature

Sean Penn warms to reporter's role in Iran
...admitting he likes to see photographers under fire

Jackson ending sleepovers in his room
...but will retain the ever-popular bathtimes

Video game sensation Pac-Man turns 25
...in spite of binges on pellets throughout 1980s


6/15/05
Poisonous caterpillars close German schools
...in newly discovered story by Roald Dahl

Chariot races return to ancient Roman city
...as escalating fuel costs roll motor sports back two millenia

Animal rights group sues over sows' treatment
...Apparently, they wanted theirs medium rare

Taliban chief says bin Laden is alive and well
...U.S. military seeks to deliver him well done

Dig may be earliest N. America campsite
...to have made smores with graham crackers

PBS updates its set of editorial standards
...to prohibit references to Republicans as 'idiots'

Billy Graham says NYC revival likely his last
...because if he doesn't raise $8 mil, God will fire him

New laws make Antarctic polluters liable
...to freeze to death for traveling that far to litter

Evolution debate in Kan. prompts attacks
...to select Neanderthals from school board

Kodak to discontinue black-and-white paper
...after Jackson trial photos gave ambiguous results

Official: Chemical plants need more protection
...from chemical aphids and other mutant pests

Schiavo autopsy shows massive brain damage
...though this could have been inherited from her parents


6/16/05
Sunlight lowers prostate cancer risk - study
...as insults regarding where the sun don't shine backfire

Poll: Public image of Supreme Court falls
...after justices reveal there's nothing on under robes

Scientists make blood from human stem cells
...though turnips continue to adhere to aphorism

Runaway bride may get movie deal
...to star in Cannonball Run remake

Frist: Schiavo autopsy results end case
...Doctors: MRI scans did same 15 years ago

'Deep Throat' reportedly sells film rights
...much to the confusion of vintage porn fans

Ex-Klansman leaves Miss. court on stretcher
...Most wish he would leave world similarly

Calls grow for freeze on EU constitution
...before it spoils any further and starts to smell

Shell: Nigeria hostage-takers demanding jobs
...Counter offer: 'How about the prison laundry?'

Catholic bishops revise sex abuse policy
...to include nuns dressed as altar boys

Brain study reveals gender differences
...Incidentally, so do the junior high years

Saddam's lawyer says defense kept in dark
...so it's difficult to read motions to the court

'Bewitched' statue unveiled in Salem, Mass.
...but made of non-combustible material give history of town

Moderate quake shakes Southern California
...almost as much as not guilty Jackson verdict

Steroids increasingly used for weight loss
...Unfortunately, shrinking testicles cause most of this effect

Iran politicians courting young voters
...Related story: Michael Jackson considering move to politics

Christian right groups set sights on 2008
...even though most haven't seen past 1508


6/17/05
Judge: Disney can be sued over ride safety
...'It's a Small World' targeted by mental health groups

Military recruiters draw fire at public schools
...since the kids are better armed than the pros

Developing nations seek bigger voice at U.N.
...and agressively seek to recruit Howard Stern

Gaps remain in mad cow disease defenses
...where electrified fences aren't properly grounded

More Africans in cities than countryside by 2030-UN
...meaning black country artists are endangered species

Hollywood risks future by ignoring adults
...See, for example, Micheal Jackson's folly

Japan teen sex education sparks debate
...over whether one can lose virginity to robots

At least 200 million Chinese to be obese in 10 years
...as too many egg rolls result in rolls of a different kind

Denver's pit bull ban roils owners
...but their bark is worse than their bite

Iranians go to the polls
...but for a change there's no rope attached

Senator regrets if remarks misunderstood
...but continues to refuse suggestion of elocution lessons

US lawmakers threaten to slash UN funding
...if Bono doesn't stop loitering on property

Woolly mammoth closer to Asian elephants
...after counseling sessions with Dr. Phil.

Africanized bees spotted in SW Arkansas
...Ill-informed would-be lynching results in tragedy

Next Indian Ocean tsunami matter of time -experts
...Others disagree: Tsunamis matter of water, not time

Blackberry Network Down for Hours
...inter-office gossip grinds to abrupt halt

TV Food Ads Misleading Kids
...to believe it's okay to steal cereal from lepreuchans

At least 200 million Chinese to be obese in 10 years
...Additional mass to cause earth to plunge into sun

Record workers suffer from stress-related mental disorders in Japan
...Record industry asked to stop exposing workers to bad music

Leguizamo seeks broader roles for Latinos
...though J. Lo's ass easily claims broadest role on Mtv

Michael Jackson ponders next career move
...after being rejected by several traveling carnivals

Sex Pistols singer 'most punk' star of all time
...Runner up: Sean Penn

Theater group aims to help stutterers
...make one-act plays last all n-n-n-n-night


6/18/05
California teachers urged to pass students
...'Push, push,' say obstetricians and administrators

New law requires airlines to track pet deaths
...as crash test puppies euthanized in new program

Popularity of nude recreation rises in U.S.
...Melanoma epidemic to follow

Significant progress made in NBA labor talks
...in that bats were not used in this round of negotiations

Gigantic gas-guzzling limos all the rage
...in prosthetic penis technology

U.S., Iraqi forces launch major offensive
...but blame it on the dog when wife complains

Thriving bald eagles may lose protection
...if they don't properly secure their toupees

Wimbledon referee wants grunting crackdown
...as they disturb other athletes in locker room


6/19/05
Ahmadinejad, Rafsanjani to vie in run-off
...at international spelling bee semi-finals

Priest unrepentant after nun's crucifixion
...until judge sentences him to same

Siblings provide alibi for ex-Klansman Killen
...'We wuz havin' all sex,' say toothless siblings

Israel, Palestinians agree to demolish homes
...something they typically do out of disagreement

Whalers, anti-hunt critics brace for battle
...but only one side presently armed with harpoons

Janet Jackson receives humanitarian award
...for promoting breast feeding so visibly

Schizophrenia drug prevents, treats SARS
...'And they called us crazy,' scoff mad scientists

'Content-protected' CDs can't be burned
...no matter the size of church groups' pyres

Iraq war worries 'Freedom Fries' congressman
...but he remains unconcerned about trans fats

Sen. Byrd regrets early Ku Klux Klan ties
...as the bright neckwear clashed with the bland robes


6/20/05
Murder memorabilia on auction in New York
...not that it's hard to find shell casings on any street

South Korea says North may give up missiles
...but isn't pleased that they'll be delivered from above

Report finds Saddam friendly with U.S. troops
...other than that unfortunate period in 1990s

Art experts search for Da Vinci painting
...to explain ending to Dan Brown's next book

Vietnam's prime minister meet with Bill Gates
...to thank him for crippling U.S. economy

Extra folic acid may help boost memory
...so write that down until you get some

.Saddam insists he's still Iraq president
...but complains no one ever listens to him


6/21/05
Brain areas shut off during female orgasm
...which is why they lose count after the first 3

Farmers want 'couch potato' out of dictionary
...since that's what they're paid subsidies to be

Grapefruit may make women seem younger
...when cut in half and worn down their shirts

U.S., Canadian Anglicans meet on gay issue
...for a night of dancing at the Blue Oyster Bar

Animal rights extremism a priority for FBI
...Plans made to set the dogs on obnoxious activists

Missing Scout found alive in Utah wilderness
...with four underaged wives and two dozen children

Inventor of integrated circuit dies at 81
...To be cremated on an overclocked motherboard

Southern Baptists mix gospel with rodeo
...to induce vomiting following accidental poisoning

Reality TV writers seek to organize union
...FCC to investigate why 'reality tv' needs writers

Pa. House debates evolution in schools
...as theory fails to explain the atavistic Amish


6/22/05
Genes may hold key to late motherhood
...as tight ones are better for attracting mates

Poland lures French tourists with plumber ads
...since French are notorious for addiiction to crack

Israel revives militants assassination policy
...but assassinated militants not able to be revived

Bush: U.S. needs more nuclear power plants
...like we need another hole in the ozone layer

Panel to release skycraper safety guidelines
...due to impending threat of giant gorilla attacks

Brain cells 'recognize' famous people - study
...but absolutely none are required to buy tabloids about them

Lobbyist may have cost Indian tribe millions
...some of which will be repaid by collecting his scalp

Report faults Air Force Academy on religion
...in spite of group prayers they would pass unscathed

U.S. to provide food aid to North Korea
...but it will be irradiated by way of foreshadowing

SUVs improve in rollover ratings - NHTSA
...but return to obedience school to learn to sit

CIA says Iraq now a terrorist training ground
...for those looking to enter 'booming' industry

Common sense may prevent credit card fraud
...which still leaves most Americans at risk from scams

Nuclear industry sets stage for comeback
...unfortunately, may also be setting stage for fallout


6/23/05
States reporting inflated graduation rates
...by counting pregnant teens twice

Humvee vulnerabilities raise doubts on future
...Chief vulnerability: Everyone says it's ugly

BBC to time-delay sensitive live news
...Screen will now read 'Barely a-live from Iraq'

Farm opens for Glastonbury music festival
...in hopes bands will fertilize fields with crap music

House won't cut public broadcasting funds
...if Sesame St. agrees to fire that big gay bird

KKK casts long shadow over U.S. history
...thanks to those goofy hooded dunces caps

Mexico volcano spews column of vapor, ash
...Ann Landers spew column of same for decades

French magazine says Turin Shroud a fake
...Pope responds by declaring French accents pretentious

Public broadcasting names Republican CEO
...National Geographic to become Nationalist Geocentric


6/24/05
Ecuador refuses to sign U.S. immunity pact
...until Bush proves he has had his rabies shots

Bureaucracy strangles Russian businesses
...in the library with Colonel Mustard and Mrs. Peacock

First Afghani cadet enters West Point
...to provide target practice for classmates

Iranians pack polls in presidential election
...instead of packing polls into camels for a change

Dads can suffer postnatal depression too
...when they recall wive's former waistlines

In Iran, a campaign ad is high art
...and a sanddune is lifetime supply of toilet paper

Alabama cashes in on civil rights tourism
...but guess who has to sit in the back of the Greyhound

U.S. stocks take a beating on high oil
...Next up, Paris Hilton is whipped in Jello wrestling

China's management pool is shallow
...judging by the busty secretaries they employ

NASA: Risk of ice striking shuttle low
...considering it's being lauched in Florida in June!

Study: Chickadee Song Warns of Danger- 7:50
...particularly the lyric about the nuclear warheads

AOL takes bold step: Content's now free
...and still not worth it at that price

EU sets 2011 deadline to ban mercury exports
...after which rectal thermometers will be smuggled rectally


6/25/05
Novel written by Saddam to be published
...by Charmin as discount alternative tissue

Election winner wants Iran to be a model
...by imposing anorexia on its starving citizens

U.S. lawmakers tour Guantanamo Bay prison
...in effort by ethicists to scare them straight

Devastating quakes possible in central U.S.
...not that there's anything to actually devistate there

U.S. assures safety of beef despite mad cow case
...saying tenderizer will make meat less angry

U.S. Nazis rally at Revolutionary War battlefield
...in annual pre-Halloween anachronism convention

'Star Wars' creator Lucas opens new HQ
...capable of destroying star systems in a single blast


6/26/05
Lawmakers: Guantanamo conditions improve
...Bread and water replaced by whole wheat and Perrier

Report: U.S. secretly met with insurgents
...and now insurgents' wives want a divorce

New Yorkers sue for the right to dance
...Kevin Bacon to be called as expert witness

TV network for gays, lesbians set for debut
...Like we need another cooking channel

Fla. beach reopens after fatal shark attack
...Swimmers allowed in water 30 minutes after shark finished eating


6/27/05
Silver Stars affirm Marine unit's strength
...since it takes twenty of them to lift just one

Psychiatry may overlook social, ethic factors
...like phobias brought on by scientology cult leaders

Court limits Ten Commandments displays
...to just the two actually mentioned in the law

Blair admits G8 climate deal 'very difficult'
...since the Swedes actually like global warming

Court says file-sharing services may be sued
...for allowing the spread of crap music like Metallica

Antidepressant Paxil returns to U.S. market
...after spending months moping about aimlessly

Medicare won't cover some anxiety drugs
...prompting anxiety attacks at pharmacies everywhere

Experts disagree over annual physicals
...Some say once a year, others say every 365 days


6/28/2005
Lance Armstrong starts own clothing line
...but wouldn't that suck if he ran into one?

France to host world's first nuclear fusion plant
...Last chance to visit site for next 10,000 years

WHO: 5,000 birds die of avian flu in China
...due to fatal inability to sneeze with a beak

Ky. residents angry at Commandments ruling
...also angry about being residents of Kentucky

Saudi Arabia issues list of wanted militants
...But it's very short since no one wants militants

Weather Service radars save 80 lives per year
...as 80 children of weathermen would starve otherwise

Cuba says facing massive housing shortage
...now that Florida is so full of old people

Canada lawmakers OK gay marriage bill
...to clarify which parent pays for the wedding


6/29/2005
Rice: N.Y. 'perfect place' for 2012 Olympics
...as gun shots routinely prompt sprints

Bush criticized over speech about Iraq war
...since he again couldn't say 'nu-cu-lar' correctly

France chosen as site for nuclear reactor
...speaking of French fries

Putin pockets Kraft's Super Bowl ring
...in effort to rebuild Russian economy

Deep Impact crash won't destroy comet
...but litigation to follow collision certainly will

Bush OKs shake-up of intelligence agencies
...as anyone with intelligence shaken by Bush's actions

Israeli extremists block highway over Gaza
...as it would provide opportunities for drive-by bombers

AMC offers money back on 'Cinderella Man'
...if patrons are harassed or assaulted by Russel Crowe

No strong recovery seen for German economy
...Travel agents report greater number of Jewish customers

Jennifer Tilly wins at World Series of Poker
...and can never again talk anyone into strip poker

Texas teacher accused of assigning arson
...Slow students still rubbing sticks together


6/30/2005
ABC pulls reality series amid criticism
...that contestants aren't killed at end of season

Newborn dolphins, orcas don't sleep - study
...with all the racket from whales singing in shower

Most Iraq suicide bombers likely foreigners
...who are despondent over a really bad vacation

Army recruiting shortfall blamed on war critics
...Reality check: Army recruiting shortfall due to war

Pomegranate juice may protect babies' brains
...better than pickling them with alcohol in their bottles

Patient weaned off artificial heart pump
...since HMO won't pay for it past this month

'War of the Worlds' tops $21M on opening day
...20% of which goes to Scientologists to fight 'real' aliens


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
Back to the index