The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

5/1/05
Killings won't change police gun policies
....since current policy is 'shoot to kill'

Blair's fortunes bolstered by opposition
...which wasn't their plan, obviously

N. Korea fires missile into Sea of Japan
...a very bad move considering Godzilla lives there

Many in runaway bride's town feel betrayed
...including her boyfriend and her fiancee

Card urges Democrats to work with GOP
...but creators at Hallmark lack political insight

Lawyers face ghosts of Jackson's past
...as cast of Thriller video break dance into courtroom

Group pushes restricting of cold medicine
...Scientologists recommend reading 'Dianetics' instead

S. Korea downplays N. Korea missile test
...'They totally missed,' say ostrich impersonaters

College chess team takes on prisoners
...for a pack of cigarettes and the top bunk

Elizabeth Smart makes People's list
...of most exploitive stories they've printed


5/2/05
Scientists confirm planet outside solar system
...as the birthplace of Michael Jackson

AOL treats Fla. emergency e-mails as spam
...same as they do with tech support requests

Kansas to debate evolution v. creationism
...while tuberculosis continues to evolve unchallenged

Tobacco firms' trial enters remedies phase
...Unfortunately, no cure for lung cancer as yet

'Apple-shaped' women's heart risk explained
...by estranged husband who left her 50 lbs ago

Concessions urged as nuclear fears rise
...Diplomats head to concession stand to cool off

Martha Stewart teases about ankle bracelet
...but probably won't really gnaw off her foot

Deep Impact set for collision with comet
...thanks to budget cuts for air traffic controllers


5/3/05
Iraq's first democratic government sworn in
...The scary thing is which theology they swore to

Clinton announces childhood obesity plan
...under which Bill would eat half their portions

Iraqi gov't sworn in amid wave of violence
...Typical day in Iraq: Shooting and swearing

Air Force Academy facing religion probe
...Cadets to burned at stake during finals week

Defense: England Oxygen-Deprived at Birth
...Prosecution: Give her the gas chamber and finish the job

Poll Most Americans say Iraq war not worth it
...as Fox coverage was shunted from NASCAR results

Sharon-Abbas honeymoon over amid mutual recriminations
...Liza Minelli and David Guest called in to mediate

Jilted groom says he remains committed
...Psychiatrists say both of them should be

Bush pitches retirement plan to workers
...who wish they had voted him into retirement

Pentagon says Iraq war erodes military's abilities
...never mind what it's doing to U.S. deficit

Rice reiterates Iran should not seek nukes
...since we couldn't find any in Iraq either

Social Security sacrifices expected
...to appease gods of fiscal reform

Pregnant women may pass stress marker to babies
...while babies may pass stretch marks on to mothers

Petty proposes shorter races to keep, draw fans' attention
...citing rodeos' success with 8-second rides

Despite finger, body parts in food rare
...except for saliva in meals served to cops

Video game whets drivers' appetites
...or maybe that's just the pot the gamers are smoking

Spread of Sober email worm variant slowing
...though Drunk variant never even got off bar stool

Older black women less likely to break bones
...when they smack future stand-up comics around


5/4/05
U.S. Marine cleared in shooting of Iraqi
...leaving many wondering what his job was there?

Egyptian experts unveil 'most beautiful mummy'
...after deveopling world's most amazing mosturizer

U.S.: Insurgent letter tells of flagging morale
...Internet: Soldiers' blogs tell of much the same

Last 'Star Wars' movie said not for children
...since their allowance can't approach the total merchandise

U.S. visa policy dampens investment climate
...Investors to switch to Master Card instead

Non-proliferation meeting deadlocked
...which might more accurately be called a maybe-proliferation meeting

Air Force Academy wrestles with alleged religious bias
...Plans made to bomb Rome to equalize matters

Bush says he's not deterred on Social Security
...or cleanly shaven mathematics, apparently

Pakistan seizes alleged Al-Qaeda number three
...but numbers one and two were apparently flushed

Afghan girls kick down old barriers
...a remarkable feat, considering those cumbersome skirts

Wife of evangelist Oral Roberts dies
...after failing to meet God's latest $8,000,000 quota

Audits find flaws in U.S. handling of Iraq deals
...Common sense registers flaw in idea of Iraq deals

Struggling airlines can stay aloft for years
...while extraordinarily high pressure system remains

Scientists band baby peregrine falcons
...to open for hippy band the Counting Crows tonight only

NASA holds shuttle launch rehearsal, glitch occurs
...when countdown controller forgets what comes after '10'

Zimbabwe grapples with growing elephant population
...though rangers too afraid to put condoms on males

Bobby Brown in court over children's trust
...as is Michael Jackson for much the same reason

Nothing prepares young men for the prom
...like the old 'birds and bees' talk

Dutch court refuses to throw Bush in jail
...after seeing what always heppened on 'Duke of Hazzard'

Jackson trial: Cue the defense
...and get ready to remix reality


5/5/05
Fans won't be charged for Sheffield scuffle
...but Stones may be remembered for 'Harlem Shuffle'

Shuttle crew rehearses launch, escape plans
...to meet in Vegas with 'runaway bride' from Georgia

School bans band from playing 'Louie Louie'
...until school administration enters 20th century

Autism could be spotted, treated sooner
...if psychologists got booths at sci-fi conventions

Lost Mars lander may have been sighted
...trying to get directions from gas station attendant

Coldplay, Wilco, Oasis lead Austin fest lineup
...Answering the question, 'Why aren't you going?'

Effort to set electric car record delayed
...until Energizer bunny clears off the road


5/6/05
Tug of war intensifies on gay-marriage issue
...over whose family pays for the wedding

Chlamydia outbreak at zoo kills 12 penguins
...Colin Farrell sought for questionning

Blair unveils new Cabinet after election win
...but his dinette set won't be delivered until next week

Real estate now high stakes in Las Vegas
...where hookers will knife one another for street space

Survey: Americans prefer 'safer' older drugs
...and Woody Allen's earlier funny films


5/7/05
Thai stray dogs fare better after tsunami
...since few survivors are left to eat them

Study: Meanness in girls may start at age 3
...However, no indication on when it lets up

Five climbers evacuated from Mount Everest
...when asbestos is discovered there as well

Angelina Jolie urges aid for Afghan refugees
...who sat through her last couple movies

Putin questions NATO enlargement
...'or are you happy to see me?' president concludes


5/8/05
U.S. Forest Service scales back burn plan
...so they won't be renamed U.S. Ashes service

German far-right rally protests 'cult of guilt'
...and wish everyone would join their cult of personality

Jackson defense will portray him as victim
...of UFO crash stranded on strange alien planet

Bush, Putin stand unified on terrorism
...both reportedly in favor of it

Spain announces Princess Letizia is pregnant
...Bill Clinton's travel records to be subpoened


5/9/05
Evictions put Israel army in tough position
...of having to sleep on old buddies' couches

GM denies report of talks with Toyota
...'We can't speak Japanese,' claims CEO

Stray dog in Kenya saves abandoned baby
...to feed to her litter of puppies

Schiavo family wants information on ashes
...'They're mostly made of carbon,' say chemists

Teacher: Prince Harry 'weak' student, cheated
...Tabloids: Prince Charles 'weak' husband, cheated


5/10/05
U.S. to pay hospitals for illegals' care
...then U.S. to pay UPS for illegals' deportment

Gadget promises to translate baby babbling
...Inventor's next project: Anna Nicole Smith translator

Kit claims to solve problem of 'corked' wine
...on very subdued episode of 'Knight Rider'

Al Qaida suffers from growing ethnic rifts
...among other maladies of archaic ideology

Up to 5 percent of farmed salmon deformed
...by being squeezed into tin cans

Halliburton gets $72M bonus for Iraq work
...Today's oxymoron: 'Iraq work' (Last I checked, it didn't)

Study finds nearly all murderers mentally ill
...from their nagging wives driving them to it

Man thrown from sailboat rescued off Va.
...when those 'Girls Gone Wild' strike again


5/11/05
Bush speech likely to antagonize Russia
...much like his other speeches antagonize English teachers

Japan considering exit strategy from Iraq
...Top choice: Immediately, like a fire drill

Israeli official sets Gaza pullout date
...Prom night most popular pullout date in U.S.

White House, Capitol briefly evacuated
...of anything resembling democracy

Steve Martin to receive Mark Twain Prize
...since Twain aaparently never picked his up

NHL lockout gives other sports TV opportunity
...Not that anyone would watch curling otherwise

Actress Mena Suvari files for divorce
...Prompting this author to think he has a real chance now!

Greenhouse gas trade seen growing sharply
...Related story: Taco Bell sales up 30% this quarter

Animals get official status in French civil code
...after only being recognized for centuries on menus

Voinovich to vote for 'bullying' Bolton
...so he'll stop taking all his lunch money


5/12/05
Russia says uncovers spying by four nations
...Thirty other nations relieved not to have been caught

CNBC cancels Dennis Miller's talk show
...to give host something else to rant about

Rumsfeld: Base closures to save $48.8 billion
...almost enough to fund another little war/quagmire

Michael Jackson: 'Adults have let me down'
...but little boys totally get me up!'

Rumsfeld recommends closing fewer bases
...Cats says, All your base are belong to us

Second trial in Abu Ghraib abuse opens
...to rave reviews by Ebert & Roeper

Officials weighed shooting at errant plane
...you know, just fer target practice

Decision looms in WTO leadership contest
...only the swimsuit competition remains

Alabama school drops Klan founder's name
...but still teaches lynching as an elective

Ethiopia says al-Qaida operating in Somalia
...Saudi Arabia says Ethiopia tattles too much


5/13/05
Cambodia pitches sweatshop-free clothing
...thanks, finally, to the aquisition of an air conditioner

U.S. schools work to reduce cafeteria trash
...by expelling as many kids as they can

Web site matches organ donors with patients
...unlike most web sites that just show body parts

More Georgia judges opting to carry guns
...as they provide much better accuracy than gavels

AIDS crisis may alter religious views
...though little else has in several millenia

Britain, U.S. deny Russian spy allegations
...in spite of numerous Bond films to the contrary

John Paul put on fast track for sainthood
...Fortunately the Popemobile has seatbelts


5/14/05
Bush: Trade laws to be 'vigorously' enforced
...while Constitution is vigorously ignored

Canada to play Czechs for world hockey title
...Bookies accept cash only; No Czechs

Massive early turnout as Ethiopians vote
...Ethiopians 'massive' thanks to 'We Are the World' proceeds

Military Plans to Shut Down 33 U.S. Bases
...after baseball's success using only three

Army offers 15-month hitch
...though J.Lo averages less than that

Bulgaria to offer three bases to U.S.
...though French women still easiest to get to third base with

Democrats consider revamping primaries
...Republicans deny evolution from primates

Microsoft targets viruses, spyware
...and, sadly, most PC users

Crowded India cities face conflict on cows
...Debate continues:  Rare or well done?


5/15/05
Weather delays launch of weather satellite
...Related story: Scattered showers of irony expected

European states agree to cut mine-related pollution
...'Pollution is yours, not mine,' each claims

Computer problem causes false stock quotes
...thanks for Enron funded software developers

Breast cancer drug could benefit prostate
...arguably, so could breast implants in many cases

Professor details fight against narcolepsy
...while students slumber through boring lecture

Emergency contraception drug a hot potato at FDA
...though less so than a knocked-up daughter

New exhibit updates story of dinosaur era
...Section on Noah's Ark added to appease idiots

Chinese TV show's cat slinging act draws fire from pet lovers
...Correction: Pet lovers don't care, just cat lovers

Bike polo a popular alternative sport
...when combined with mailbox baseball

A's fan who threw beer facing charges
...obviously, of alcohol abuse


5/16/05
Kansas debate challenges science itself
...as school boards implictly ask why they haven't evolved

NCAA ponders future of Indian nicknames
...and look for less militant ethnicities to slur for sport

Rice points finger at Syria on Iraq violence
...Use of the middle one is unusual for a diplomat

Nicklaus: British Open will be last tournament
...that most fans will be able to stay awake through

Uzbekistan sees worst violence since 1991
...Roughly on par with that in Iraqi most Tuesdays

Final episode of CBS' 'Raymond' set to air
...nine years after it would have been appropriate

Bush urges development of alternate fuels
...and proposes burning science textbooks

Corporate America pulling back safety nets
...in effort to eliminate annoying trappeze artists


5/17/05
'Star Wars' raises questions on U.S. policy
...twenty years after it actually was U.S. policy

Iraq Qaida warns Sunnis against constitution
...pointing out how much trouble it caused U.S. for 200+ years

Stegosaur spikes just for looks, experts say
...and may come back into fashion in the fall, says Vogue

Mount Rainier third most dangerous volcano
...to be captured by authorities trying to cross border

CBS 'Raymond' finale draws 32M viewers
...with a combined IQ of 74

Court rules woman not liable in sex suit
...but if she took off the suit really slowly, who knows?

Indigenous people among world's poorest
...possibly because most accidents occur within 5 miles of home

Academy of Country Music Awards held
...Today's oxmoron: Academy of Country Music

Congress, Rumsfeld spar over Army's size
...Should it be 'hugemongous' or 'ginormous'?

Marquette Univ. searches for new nickname
...since no one liked 'Super-Marquette U.'


5/18/05
Warren Beatty sues for rights to 'Dick Tracy'
...after having dicked every other dame in Hollywood

More Australian pets fed anti-depressants
...after watching 'Crocodile Hunter' on tv again

China: Melting Everest glaciers pose danger
...'Hold that pose,' say camera-crazed Chinese

Malcolm X memorabilia on display in NYC
...Episodes I through IX memorabilia considered less collectable

Britons' lust for tea may on the wane
...owing to general shotage of lust among Britons

Animal activists using more aggressive tactics
...Judge orders them to obedience school

Pope woos non-Catholic, Chinese pilgrims
...since they haven't grown as wary as altar boys

U.S. calls on IRA to surrender arms
...or they will be forcibly amputated

Evangelicals model ministries on business
...duh!

Hardcore 'Star Wars' fans await opening
...though this is not the best way to find one on a female


5/19/05
Japan plans to launch X-ray telescopes
..to see through women's clothes from orbit

Iran's Rafsanjani urges U.S. to thaw ties
...as payback for freezing his underwear

Alcohol may hit women's livers harder
...Gloria Steinem denounces it as an abusive, sexist pig

Uzbek troops capture rebel leader easily
...after Boba Fett tracks him to Cloud City

Fox adds five new dramas to fall schedule
...as if you didn't have enough drama in your life already

Hurricane Adrian threatens El Salvador
...but restraining order keeps it 50 yards from coast


5/20/05
WHO: Mutating bird flu virus is bigger threat
...than Keith Moon's drumming ever was

Study: Foster youth hurt by early exits
...of Jodie to make more movies

Vienna university to produce 'toilet with brains'
...funded by copious revenue from those little sausages

U.S. to probe Saddam underwear photos
...to determine if they are owed royalties

New technology reveals ancient math texts
...Evolution again proven by examples of fuzzy math

Police dismiss tip in Idaho slayings case
...noting civil servants are not allowed to accept tips

Iraqi leaders call for restraint amid sectarian tension
...Stright jackets proposed as appropriate restraints

Cloned embryos created to match stem cells, patients
...GOP declares infringement in creating homogeneous population

Girl pitches perfect Little League game
...though critics say she still threw like a girl

Pastor rounded up in alleged abuse
...[punchline censored by order of God]

'Viral' ads are so fun you pass 'em along
...sort of like other 'social diseases'

Gates warns on information overload
...fueled by news of Windows security flaws

Miss. patients face transplant obstacles
...as inbreeding makes tissue matching confusing

Michael Jackson defense may rest next week
...though hopefully not with any more underage boys

S. Koreans report stem-cell production advance
...Cloners ensure future Asians to look even more alike


5/21/05
Poll: Most want thorough check of judges
...because they could hide almost anything under robes

Paper prints more photos of Saddam in jail
...just in case the ones of Martha Stewart weren't unsexy enough

Scientists say sunshine may prevent cancer
...Dermatologists see long-term increase in patients

U.S. senator tells Arabs to focus on home
...when they tap their heels together

Abbas to ask Bush for clarifications on peace plan
...for starters, does he actually have one?

Bush urges graduates to serve community
...in their bleak futures working as waiters

Britain to give first-time buyers leg-up onto housing ladder
...with consumer training from Ministry of Silly Walks

Frist heads for 'nuclear option' in judges dispute
...Senate to remain radioactive to 10,000 years

Bush condemns S. Korea stem cell advances
...but still plans to let rest of world overtake U.S. technology

U.S. Surgeon General offers toddler health tips
...but little Tommy just keeps on smoking anyway


5/22/05
Study ranks Saudis last in women's rights
...Cheney household again a close second

Connecticut nears strict school junk food ban
...Junk food detectors to be installed at all entrances

Reclusive 'Mockingbird' author honored in L.A.
...for her dead-on impression of Boo Radley

Sharon heckled by U.S. Jews in New York
...so, basically, they treated him like any other New Yorker

Karzai to ask Bush for more Afghan control
...and for Bush to please keep his feet on own side of bed

Time compiles list of 100 greatest films
...'Weekend At Bernie's' neglected again by critics

Israel, Arabs agree to save Dead Sea
...though its name indicates it's too late already

Scientists warn of political, economic costs of weaponization of space
...but could turn a profit if Speilberg agrees to direct

Think twice before back pain surgery -researchers
...Also, mothers, don't let your kids step on any cracks

Dartmouth ceremony honors body donors
...who, regretably, were detained for anatomy exam

Hardcore 'Star Wars' fans savor opening
...not they've ever seen one on a woman though

Man accused of tossing kittens from car
...and charged with littering (duh!)

Creation museum sparks evolution debate
...long after debate was settled by a different kind of fossil


5/23/05
Young slowly entering Social Security fray
...thanks to the aging process making them eligible

Supreme Court dismisses death row appeal
...Majority opinion concludes '...death row is unappealing'

Vatican drops Mexican cleric abuse probe
...and definitely should wash it before reinserting

 Trump announces plan to launch university
...Innovative grading scheme to be Pass/Fired

 76ers fire coach O'Brien after one season
...Team updating its name to more descriptive '86ers'

Mass. justice defends gay marriage ruling
...as way to drum up business for divorce lawyers

Patients iced down to avoid brain damage
...or embarrassing appearances on 'Jerry Springer Show'


5/24/05
Whistleblowers gain respect in Japan
...for their ability to hit perfect notes

New drug delays male orgasms, study finds
...To be marketed under name 'Viagravating'

Fashion utility of white shoes debated
...as impending Memorial Day deadline looms

Company introduces first robotic mop
...to R2-D2 on the 21st century Dating Game

Lesbian child custody cases head to court
...Apparently everyone wants custody of lesbian children

Leno takes witness stand at Jackson trial
...as world's first witness stand-up comic

P. Diddy to appeal child support order
...on grounds he's not 'Puff Daddy' anymore

Group to Burger King: Halt 'Star Wars' deal
...or our clone army will invade your planet

Northwest seeks to cut mechanic work force
...Mechanics seek to cut brakelines before they go

Md. schools revising sex ed after lawsuits
...from scores of parents of knocked-up daughters


5/25/05
South China factories short of workers
...reads most racist headline in history!

U.S. troops sweep western Iraqi town for militants
...In return, militants have to paint troops' garages

Next church-state dispute: 'In God We Trust'
...As most no longer trust God after Micheal Jackson trial

Child population dwindles in San Francisco
...due to low success rate of IVF among gay men

Haitian artists bring garbage to life
...much like reality tv producers

US death row inmate denied chance to donate liver to sister
...at least until his will is read

Embryonic stem cell debate moves to Senate
...otherwise known as the group least knowledgable on the subject

Jury can't agree on verdict for Scrushy
...because they can't stop laughing at his silly name

Mars rover Spirit finds wet, violent past
...National Enquirer investigations frequently find same

Shorebird evaluated for protected status
...as withness to mob killings on NJ docks

PalmOne to pay $30M for Palm brand name
...from hairypalms.com

Hate mopping? Let a robot do it
...Robot programmed to hate housework for you

Jackson won't testify in molestation trial
...even though he's the foremost expert on molestation

It's rock vs. country on 'Idol'
...in rematch between Donnie and Marie

Odd U.S. state laws ban owning skunks, swearing
...or even marrying other humans of the same sex

Bush plans to give more to Palestinians
...to keep terrorism from going extinct

Archaeologists offer taste of Pompeii
...to those who prefer their steaks well done

Pipeline politics give Turkey an edge
...or maybe it's just the extra-spicy stuffing

Stem cell experts object to Bush 'unethical' label
...citing the standard pot/kettle comparison

Chaos in early solar system might explain some modern traits
...such as the Britany Spears reality show

Suicide hotline to open only from 9 to 5
...during off-hours, leave last words on answering machine

Lawyers jokes get mixed reactions at Jackson trial
...though defendant is something of a mixed joke himself

Tax may drain world's top sperm bank
...when those cocksuckers at the IRS are finished


5/26/05
Thousands of Iraqi soldiers to ring Baghdad
...and ask them if their refrigerator is running

Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood engaged
...in prospective inbreeding experiment to support cloning

Murder suspect still atop Atlanta crane
...with addition of noose, could turn into execution

Pentagon: Detainee retracts Quran allegation
...after several more  of torture

Inquiry finds some Quran 'mishandling'
...by terrorists looking for unjustifiable justification

40 tons of opium confiscated in Afghanistan
...to help wean Robert Downey Jr. down from habit

Shaq moonlighting as undercover officer
...because 7' 1" NBA stars blend in so well

40,000 Iraqis to form shield in Baghdad
...though many more still required to screw in light bulb

U.N.: Global warming to affect world hunger
...when mammoth carcasses defrost from glaciars


5/27/05
FDA probes impotence drug, blindness link
...after men experience erections with middle-age wives

Israel trying to attract young immigrants
...before Michael Jackson can get to them

Ark. exhibit shows Clinton's favorite music
...though dancers will be required to wear tops this time

Afghans head to mountains in polio battle
...unfortunately, there's no handicap ramps

Jackson jury to hear from accuser again
...when agent signs 'comeback' deal with lawyers

Microsoft severs ties with Ralph Reed
...by jamming his neckwear into paper shredder

Miss Indonesia dons swimsuit, defies critics
...to say she looks fat in a two-piece

Divorced Wiccans fight judge's order
...that they not fly brooms near White House


5/28/05
Stun gun ends standoff with man on crane
...though most bets were on gravity to finish things

Exhausted Clinton cancels tour of Maldives
...and returns to Graceland for fried banana sandwiches

Australian scientists stunned by crab invasion
...and quickly issue medicated shampoo and little combs

Willie Nelson to release reggae album
...Three guesses which drug inspired this masterpiece

For some depressed kids, therapy may rival pills
...though most just say, 'Whatever, like I care.'

U.S. Forest Service suspends whistleblower
...for scaring away wildlife with that racket

Ga. residents relieved crane standoff over
...so David Blain can do another stunt from it

Southern Yankees embrace Civil War history
...with confederate flag mud flaps of their own

Testimony in Jackson trial ends after jurors see explosive video
...of that damned Pepsi commercial in move for sympathy

Crude bounces back from lows
...caused by being labeled as such

Chernobyl workers protest to retain benefits
...of glow-in-the-dark eyes and extra limbs

Cure frontman ousts two members
...after discovering they were using Prozac


5/29/05
Hollywood marriages put to test
...by 6-month anniversaries

N.Y. woodpecker thinks reflection is enemy
...Much as Michael Jackson did in his younger years

First gay pride march staged in Romania
...Gay pride marches considered redundant in Greece

Benedict pledges to mend Orthodox rift
...Stocks rise with news of impending merger

South Korean students hold anti-U.S. rally
...same as Southern Cali. students have always done

Ticket against jaywalking chicken tossed
...when jury fails to reach a punchline

Russian history textbook omits dark chapters
...as they used much more ink than the lighter ones


5/30/05
France's 'no' on constitution vote shakes EU
...since French women so rarely say no to anything

Andromeda galaxy much larger than thought
...after emerging from behind a slimming striped nebula

Hariri sweeps first round of Lebanon election
...on way to be the next 'Lebanese Idol'

Housing stocks go through the roof
...Insurance companies refuse to cover damages

First major grass-burning power station planned for Britain
...based on pioneering grass-smoking research in '60s

Keep an eye on prostate cancer to avoid treatment
...but good luck finding someone willing to get a brown eye

Mom-to-be advertises baby as billboard
...rather than putting him on a diet

Teenage monkey escapes British zoo after bust-up with father
...on the next episode of the Osbournes

Japan mobile makers face challenges at home, abroad
...and wherever else their service extends

Depression unrelated to level of chronic pain
...among attendees of San Francisco S&M convention


5/31/05
School districts face bus driver shortage
...following surplus of spitballs last year

Pope backs Italy bishops on fertility vote
...to end breeding experiments with altar boys

Bush calls human rights report 'absurd'
...which is also how humans rightly refer to Bush

Court overturns Arthur Andersen conviction
...after jury's votes are (mis)counted by the defendant

Report: Mark Felt claims to be 'Deep Throat'
...though rights to title have lapsed to Paris Hilton

Atlanta crane-climber fighting extradition
...to earth from border of stratosphere

Iranian candidate vows to open country
...later on weekends to accomodate the partiers

Lawmaker wants lower soldier drinking age
...before they start thinking about why they're deployed

Runaway bride agrees to pay search costs
...for fiance's wasted membership on match.com

Intelligence teams track evolution of enemy bombs
...while unintelligent school boards bomb evolution

Secret of longest marriage is saying 'sorry'
...to even things you don't remember doing

Michael Jackson jury could get case by Friday
...but some penicillin should clear it right up

Former Nixon aides condemn 'Deep Throat'
...before being indicted on additional charges of hypocrisy

President makes policy stand in Rose Garden
...by leaning it against the hedges for photographers

WMD initiative working: Rice
...Everyone wants them now thanks to us

Analysts behind Iraq intelligence were rewarded
...with one-way tickets to a room in Guantanamo

Space telescope captures birth of stars
...by peering through Julia Roberts' hospital window

Japan state bans 'Grand Theft Auto' sales
...so consumers will have to steal their copy


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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