The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

4/1/05
Family feud continues over Terri Schiavo
...The Honorable Richard Dawson to preside

Spears lashes out over pregnancy rumors
...but hormonal outburst to media gives her away

Bush intel panel sees difficult task ahead
...in upgrading president to 2 megabytes of RAM

Wyle to leave as 'ER' regular after 11 years
...of waiting to be seen by a doctor

'High risk' flaws found in IE, Outlook
...as users may also be infected with Windows

Viagra may cause vision loss in some
...Condition is more commonly known as 'beer goggles'

WHO downplays fears of virus in Angola
...by installing Norton Utilities across continent


4/2/05
Studies find animals capable of laughter
...when Elmer Fudd accidentally shots self

World's largest iceberg on move again
...in search of 'unsinkable' cruise liners

Bush appoints commission on base closings
...Lingiusts forced to explain bases are to be 'de'commissioned

Opposition rejects Zimbabwe vote results
...Though, by definition, opssosition rejects everything

Travel was hallmark of John Paul's papacy
...as papal bulls typically issued on backs of postcards

Pope's last days lifted image of Church
...from shadow of Michael Jackson's favorite pasttime

Latin America will be challenge for new pope
...where 'Sabado Gigante' continues to lead in ratings

Pope's death triggers scripted ritual
...as does Sunday and many holidays


4/3/05
Spring-breakers wary of being videotaped
...with their girlfriend's topless best friend

Jackson's 'Peter Pan' image slipping away
...or rather chiseled away by years of surgery

President, First Lady remember pope
...as 'that guy with the really big hat'

China's giant pandas get broadband
...before country's billion humans get abacus upgrades

Some see link in deaths of Pope, Schiavo
...JFK, Elvis, and UFO crashes in Roswell


4/4/05
AP poll: New pope should push for change
...Pope says that's what collection plate is for

Web sites sell sensitive personal data
...see, for example, housewifefantasies.com

Some cardinals won't elect next pope
...because they'll vote for the loser, obviously

Iraq prison clash leaves 16 wounded
...Prisoners to be arrested and imprisoned

Gulf oil platforms may be used as fish farms
...that double as world's largest fish fryers

Finding a new pope will be a difficult task
...since giant hats fell out of fashion 100 years ago


4/5/05
Mexican lake may hold clues to alien life
...as illegal aliens swim across it to border

Inmate, warden's wife found in Texas
...sings Johnny Cash on newly discovered recording

Eclipse set for same day as pope's funeral
...Church orders Galileo to reschedule eclipse

U.S. plans changes to No Child Left Behind
...to No Blue-Eyed Fair-Haired Child Left Behind

Thompson's ashes to be shot from cannon
...in accordance with last wish to 'Rest in Pieces'


4/6/05
California starts online organ donor registry
...to challenge monopoly currently held by eBay

Study: Older air bags could increase risk
...of tall tales told to underpaid waitresses at happy hour

Kansas voters approve gay marriage ban
...in keeping with trend against evolution

Study: Obese shoppers treated more rudely
...for blocking access to ice cream freezers

Officials ask why Iraq details surface now
...that second term presidential election is over


4/7/05
Bush regrets U.S. shooting of Italian officer
...saying he would have prefered to hit a French one

Aide to GOP senator wrote Schiavo memo
...though there's no indication Terry actually read it

Congress may extend daylight-saving time
...to accomodate projected 80 hour work week

Guard testifies he saw Jackson sex acts
...as perfectly normal behavior for freakish singer

Yoga goes hip-hop as marketing takes hold
...of white people willing to do anything to look cool

IRA mulls Sinn Fein call to renounce violence
...as hypocrisy detectors register tsunami-level event

Analysis: Good looks may mean better pay
...for models, movie stars, and other prostitutes

Cookie Monster cutting back on favorite treat
...after undergoing quadruple bypass following heart attack

Vatican gives Boston cardinal role of honor
...Related story: Michael Jackson to be canonized


4/8/05
Deadly bird flu could spread beyond Asia
...though migratory patterns are not well established

Pitt denies report of romance with Jolie
...confirming, 'It's just about the sex'

Firm finds way to restore deleted cookies
...See also related story on reformed Cookie Monster

Women in U.S. military see combat in Iraq
...as do most viewers of nightly news programs

Scientists urge halt to missile defense funds
...noting wildlife needs defending, not missles

Iraq president expects constitution by August
...Bush indicates that, if he's in a hurry, ours is for sale

Japanese minister defends use of textbooks
...against Chinese who burned all theirs in late 1960s

Earth's oldest known object on display
...as Charlton Heston waves guns at passing motorists

Bush indifferent over falling poll numbers
...noting that if public opion counted, he'd never be Pres.


4/9/05
Catholics look to future after funeral
...uncharacteristically breaking from agenda to stop it

Hide-and-seek alarm rousts heavy sleepers
...Narcoleptics reportedly find invention 'Alarming'

Fake Microsoft update is a Trojan horse
...Correction: Microsoft update is a Trojan horse

Billions of butterflies descend on California
...in the form of custom airbrushed van graphics

U.S. pushes pacifist Japan to boost military
...before it runs out of coutries with a sporting chance


4/10/05
Sharon heads to Texas meeting with Bush
...Related story: Number of Jews in Texas more than doubles

NIH women describe sex harrassment
...Officials promise more 'safe sex' harrassment

South Africa apartheid party disbands
...after Nazis criticize they made them look bad

Ex-NFL player saw Siegfried, Roy as threat
...after seeing them successfully coach Bengals

Engineers redesign roads to save moose
...so cars can get better moose to the gallon

U.S. businesses: Workforce needs polish
...jokes since all other ethnicities object


4/11/05
Bush, Sharon to discuss settlement dispute
...in hopes of finding dispute settlement

Bush nominee for UN ambassador faces test
...First item: 'How many WMDs are in Iraq?'

States grapple with growing teen meth use
...as treatment for epidemic of lazy, obsese teen

Palestinians urge Sharon to heed Bush
...as leading expert on militant fundamentalism

Lutherans weigh non-celibate gays as pastors
...follow two millenia lead by Catholic Church

Man with suitcases captured at Capitol
...as Cheney heads out for nearest bunker

Senate panel grills Bolton over record
...as copies of multi-platinum albums are burned

Heinz gives $4 million to Warhol museum
...for efforts to make tomato soup look interesting

White House supportive of embattled DeLay
...but plans to ship him to Iraq anyway

Wages in U.S. lagging behind prices
...Marx predicts workers will begin 'waging war'

Feminist author Andrea Dworkin dies at 58
...in demonstration of negative effects of seething anger


4/12/05
Canada's Liberals facing electoral defeat
...in spite of apparent redundancy of 'Canadian Liberals'

Porn pioneer Al Goldstein back in business
...[insert obvious Viagra joke]

Sources say Eric Rudolph stashed dynamite
...near the site of the exploding gay nightclub

Senate panel nears OK for new NASA chief
...Countdown begins at 0800 Eastern

IRS expects 9 million to seek tax extensions
...and ritalin from doctors for chronic procrastination

Indonesia volcano spews ash; thousands flee
...Midwest preacher spews fire, brimstone; morons flock

W. Virginia makes English official language
...thereby alienating roughly 80% of W. Virginians

FDA advisers oppose breast implant sales
...to Pamela Anderson after advice from structural engineers

NFL adopts Olympic testosterone standards
...thereby complicating matters for female German atheletes

Poland to withdraw troops from Iraq by 2006
...(equivalent to 406 A.D. in terms of Western development)

Spears confirms pregnancy on web site
...Video footage of conception inevitably to follow


4/13/05
Sharon offers to leave Gaza homes intact
...by preventing crew of 'Trading Spaces' from entering

Exhibit to portray 'real' George Washington
...as hatchet-weilding cherry tree murderer

Papal election process built upon secrecy
...on par with that of pedophile cover-ups

FDA panel backs lifting breast implant ban
...and lifting tops on breast implant spokesmodels

U.S. Navy boat still prized by North Korea
...as only working vessel in their present fleet


4/14/05
California cities vie for stem cell center
...aka 'stem cell nucleus'?

Afghan gov't making strides in war on drugs
...since there's little else there left to make was on

Women recruited to work on Antarctic survey
...for treating hot-flashes among post-menopausal scientists

New cookies let dogs share with owners
...though owners' wives likely won't kiss them afterwards

Execution by injection may not be painless
...not that anyone actually cares, of course

Military pilot held for Ecstasy smuggling
...while Stockholm considers candidates for Peace Prize

Bush defends DeLay, calls him effective
...deterant against ethics in political sphere


4/15/05
Murdoch: Newspapers must stop fearing Web
...and leave that up to fundamentalist Christians

Man with suitcases at Capitol deported
...Fortunately, he was already packed

Web browser Firefox draws millions of users
...who had to use MS Internet Explorer to download it

Religious man wants to rename Mt. Diablo
...to something easier to spell

Reports: Airport screeners still do poorly
...Hence working as airport screeners (duh!)


4/16/05
Group urges return of accused U.S. priests
...from adult video store (it looks bad for the defense team)

Scientific conference falls for gibberish prank
...proving they are no better than Southern Baptists

Ecuador president dissolves Supreme Court
...in vat of sulfuric acid before James Bond can intervene

Paris hotel fire prompts housing questions
...like, 'Hey, where are we gonna stay now?'


4/17/05
China rejects Japan's demand for apology
...saying the waranty has already expired

Mother of Jackson accuser elevates drama
...by revealing that Michael and Janet are same person!

Cardinals check in to secure Vatican hotel
...[insert utterly tasteless punchline]

Congress renews interest in identity theft
...as new method of scamming constituents

Kasparov hit over head with chessboard
...in most inventive variation of Sicilian defense ever!


4/18/05
RNC raises $32 million in three months
...to avert the Soc Sec crisis.  Thanks, Dubya!

Jackson accuser's mother refuses to answer
..any more questions like, 'What were you thinking?'

Bush supporter sues RNC over 'W' logo
...next into the fray: WWE World Wrestling Entertainment

N. Korea nuke shutdown raises concerns
...that Bush will run out of evil to access

Accuser's mother says Jackson fooled world
...into thinking he was a straight black male

Black smoke signals no new pope elected
...or incomplete fuel combustion due to blocked manifold


4/19/05
CBS to air 'Survivor' stars' wedding in May
...Divorce proceedings expected to air in November

DeLay mailing says he never broke law
...McMahon mailing says you may already be a millionaire

Light drinking may not deter heart disease
...so just binge and die young in a car wreck instead

Guard's tryst may have sparked Paris blaze
...due to notoriously intense passion of French lovers

Bush hails new pope as 'man of wisdom'
...Bush once hailed Chuck Norris as 'man of wisdom'

La. psychologists begin prescribing drugs
...Cali. residents continue drug consumption as usual

Michael Jackson's defense challenges photos
...on Thiller album cover as mistaken identity

New pope confronted Americans as Cardinal
...when he pitched for St. Louis against the Orioles

Iraqi lawmakers demand apology from U.S.
...for establishing law in their patch of desert

Possible ancient equator of Mars revealed
...as site of new drilling by Bush administration


4/20/05
Court nixes U.S. request in tobacco trial
...'No, you may not recess for a smoke break!'

Homeowners with large vehicles stir debate
...over who has issues with their penis size

Wal-Mart critics launch ad campaign
...Wal-mart discounts groceries, hardware, and critics

Pope Benedict's age, health prompt concern
...that he will be less 'infalable' than predecesors

Bush signs rewrite of U.S. bankruptcy law
...Next project: Rewrite the constitution

Connecticut approves same-sex civil unions
...though many same-sex couples are less than civil

World's biggest iceberg hits Antarctic glacier
...Judge orders pair to mediation to 'chill out'


4/21/05
U.S. military renews deal to use Turkey base
...Army wife clarifies: 'I said get a Turkey BASTER!'

Benedict's papacy takes shape
...that comes to a tall point at the top

Report finds organism threatens Great Lakes
...Plan to eradicate humans from region to be formulated

Showdown looms over Bush judicial nominees
...Bush wants judges nominated 'Dead or alive'

Rival companies take aim at Apple's iPod
...in repeat of famous William Tell stunt

Pope signals no quick changes in Vatican
...History signals much the same thing

Rutan: Regulations hinder space tourism
...and demands law of gravity be repealed

Ryan Seacrest gets star on Walk of Fame
...though it will be removed in about 14 minutes

Strength of inflation raises concerns
...that economy may be using steroids

U.S.: Annan not exonerated in U.N. scandal
...U.N.: Bush not exonerated in WMD scandal

Some see Virgin Mary in Chicago salt stains
...Some should probably see an optomitrist instead


4/22/05
Va. court affirms death penalty for sniper
...Bureau of Irony moves he face firing squad

Antarctic glaciers shrinking, study shows
...after just six weeks on Atkins diet plan

N. Korea says nukes needed for self-defense
...U.S. points out they'll have the opposite effect

Fewer U.S. high schoolers use Ecstasy
...than college students (who are typically more into techno)

New pope has first meeting with cardinals
...who say they prefer Pepsi to new pope

Top officers in Abu Ghraib case cleared
...after interrogations under torture revealed nothing

Domestic kidnapping a rising industry in Iraq
...Kidnappers look to move into exporting as well

Lollapalooza to return for one weekend
...Santa Claus to follow in another 8 months


4/23/05
Inventor creates 'soundless' sound system
...after previous success clothing the emperor

Psychologists study the 'look of love'
...to figure out why it is never directed their way

Thousands to attend pope's installation
...and the reboot of the Vatican to follow

Drug use in Iran hits new high
...[Honestly, do you need a punchline?]

Security tight before papal installation
...Altar boys tight before Fr. Shanley installation


4/24/05
Critics say Frist mingles religion, politics
...almost as badly as Bush mangles religion, politics

Miss America pageant may go 'reality' route
...though this will undoubtedly disqualify most contestants

Housing experts wary of bubble fatigue
...which brought about Lawrence Welk's retirement

Grand Ole Opry celebrates 80th year
...of keeping musical progress at a standstill

Palestinians seek movement in Gaza Strip
...Correction: Movement sought in Gaza Strippers


4/11/05
Bush, Sharon to discuss settlement dispute
...in hopes of finding dispute settlement

Bush nominee for UN ambassador faces test
...First item: 'How many WMDs are in Iraq?'

States grapple with growing teen meth use
...as treatment for epidemic of lazy, obsese teen

Palestinians urge Sharon to heed Bush
...as leading expert on militant fundamentalism

Lutherans weigh non-celibate gays as pastors
...follow two millenia lead by Catholic Church

Man with suitcases captured at Capitol
...as Cheney heads out for nearest bunker

Senate panel grills Bolton over record
...as copies of multi-platinum albums are burned

Heinz gives $4 million to Warhol museum
...for efforts to make tomato soup look interesting

White House supportive of embattled DeLay
...but plans to ship him to Iraq anyway

Wages in U.S. lagging behind prices
...Marx predicts workers will begin 'waging war'

Feminist author Andrea Dworkin dies at 58
...in demonstration of negative effects of seething anger


4/12/05
Canada's Liberals facing electoral defeat
...in spite of apparent redundancy of 'Canadian Liberals'

Porn pioneer Al Goldstein back in business
...[insert obvious Viagra joke]

Sources say Eric Rudolph stashed dynamite
...near the site of the exploding gay nightclub

Senate panel nears OK for new NASA chief
...Countdown begins at 0800 Eastern

IRS expects 9 million to seek tax extensions
...and ritalin from doctors for chronic procrastination

Indonesia volcano spews ash; thousands flee
...Midwest preacher spews fire, brimstone; morons flock

W. Virginia makes English official language
...thereby alienating roughly 80% of W. Virginians

FDA advisers oppose breast implant sales
...to Pamela Anderson after advice from structural engineers

NFL adopts Olympic testosterone standards
...thereby complicating matters for female German atheletes

Poland to withdraw troops from Iraq by 2006
...(equivalent to 406 A.D. in terms of Western development)

Spears confirms pregnancy on web site
...Video footage of conception inevitably to follow


4/13/05
Sharon offers to leave Gaza homes intact
...by preventing crew of 'Trading Spaces' from entering

Exhibit to portray 'real' George Washington
...as hatchet-weilding cherry tree murderer

Papal election process built upon secrecy
...on par with that of pedophile cover-ups

FDA panel backs lifting breast implant ban
...and lifting tops on breast implant spokesmodels

U.S. Navy boat still prized by North Korea
...as only working vessel in their present fleet


4/14/05
California cities vie for stem cell center
...aka 'stem cell nucleus'?

Afghan gov't making strides in war on drugs
...since there's little else there left to make was on

Women recruited to work on Antarctic survey
...for treating hot-flashes among post-menopausal scientists

New cookies let dogs share with owners
...though owners' wives likely won't kiss them afterwards

Execution by injection may not be painless
...not that anyone actually cares, of course

Military pilot held for Ecstasy smuggling
...while Stockholm considers candidates for Peace Prize

Bush defends DeLay, calls him effective
...deterant against ethics in political sphere


4/15/05
Murdoch: Newspapers must stop fearing Web
...and leave that up to fundamentalist Christians

Man with suitcases at Capitol deported
...Fortunately, he was already packed

Web browser Firefox draws millions of users
...who had to use MS Internet Explorer to download it

Religious man wants to rename Mt. Diablo
...to something easier to spell

Reports: Airport screeners still do poorly
...Hence working as airport screeners (duh!)


4/16/05
Group urges return of accused U.S. priests
...from adult video store (it looks bad for the defense team)

Scientific conference falls for gibberish prank
...proving they are no better than Southern Baptists

Ecuador president dissolves Supreme Court
...in vat of sulfuric acid before James Bond can intervene

Paris hotel fire prompts housing questions
...like, 'Hey, where are we gonna stay now?'


4/17/05
China rejects Japan's demand for apology
...saying the waranty has already expired

Mother of Jackson accuser elevates drama
...by revealing that Michael and Janet are same person!

Cardinals check in to secure Vatican hotel
...[insert utterly tasteless punchline]

Congress renews interest in identity theft
...as new method of scamming constituents

Kasparov hit over head with chessboard
...in most inventive variation of Sicilian defense ever!


4/18/05
RNC raises $32 million in three months
...to avert the Soc Sec crisis.  Thanks, Dubya!

Jackson accuser's mother refuses to answer
..any more questions like, 'What were you thinking?'

Bush supporter sues RNC over 'W' logo
...next into the fray: WWE World Wrestling Entertainment

N. Korea nuke shutdown raises concerns
...that Bush will run out of evil to access

Accuser's mother says Jackson fooled world
...into thinking he was a straight black male

Black smoke signals no new pope elected
...or incomplete fuel combustion due to blocked manifold


4/19/05
CBS to air 'Survivor' stars' wedding in May
...Divorce proceedings expected to air in November

DeLay mailing says he never broke law
...McMahon mailing says you may already be a millionaire

Light drinking may not deter heart disease
...so just binge and die young in a car wreck instead

Guard's tryst may have sparked Paris blaze
...due to notoriously intense passion of French lovers

Bush hails new pope as 'man of wisdom'
...Bush once hailed Chuck Norris as 'man of wisdom'

La. psychologists begin prescribing drugs
...Cali. residents continue drug consumption as usual

Michael Jackson's defense challenges photos
...on Thiller album cover as mistaken identity

New pope confronted Americans as Cardinal
...when he pitched for St. Louis against the Orioles

Iraqi lawmakers demand apology from U.S.
...for establishing law in their patch of desert

Possible ancient equator of Mars revealed
...as site of new drilling by Bush administration


4/20/05
Court nixes U.S. request in tobacco trial
...'No, you may not recess for a smoke break!'

Homeowners with large vehicles stir debate
...over who has issues with their penis size

Wal-Mart critics launch ad campaign
...Wal-mart discounts groceries, hardware, and critics

Pope Benedict's age, health prompt concern
...that he will be less 'infalable' than predecesors

Bush signs rewrite of U.S. bankruptcy law
...Next project: Rewrite the constitution

Connecticut approves same-sex civil unions
...though many same-sex couples are less than civil

World's biggest iceberg hits Antarctic glacier
...Judge orders pair to mediation to 'chill out'


4/21/05
U.S. military renews deal to use Turkey base
...Army wife clarifies: 'I said get a Turkey BASTER!'

Benedict's papacy takes shape
...that comes to a tall point at the top

Report finds organism threatens Great Lakes
...Plan to eradicate humans from region to be formulated

Showdown looms over Bush judicial nominees
...Bush wants judges nominated 'Dead or alive'

Rival companies take aim at Apple's iPod
...in repeat of famous William Tell stunt

Pope signals no quick changes in Vatican
...History signals much the same thing

Rutan: Regulations hinder space tourism
...and demands law of gravity be repealed

Ryan Seacrest gets star on Walk of Fame
...though it will be removed in about 14 minutes

Strength of inflation raises concerns
...that economy may be using steroids

U.S.: Annan not exonerated in U.N. scandal
...U.N.: Bush not exonerated in WMD scandal

Some see Virgin Mary in Chicago salt stains
...Some should probably see an optomitrist instead


4/22/05
Va. court affirms death penalty for sniper
...Bureau of Irony moves he face firing squad

Antarctic glaciers shrinking, study shows
...after just six weeks on Atkins diet plan

N. Korea says nukes needed for self-defense
...U.S. points out they'll have the opposite effect

Fewer U.S. high schoolers use Ecstasy
...than college students (who are typically more into techno)

New pope has first meeting with cardinals
...who say they prefer Pepsi to new pope

Top officers in Abu Ghraib case cleared
...after interrogations under torture revealed nothing

Domestic kidnapping a rising industry in Iraq
...Kidnappers look to move into exporting as well

Lollapalooza to return for one weekend
...Santa Claus to follow in another 8 months


4/23/05
Inventor creates 'soundless' sound system
...after previous success clothing the emperor

Psychologists study the 'look of love'
...to figure out why it is never directed their way

Thousands to attend pope's installation
...and the reboot of the Vatican to follow

Drug use in Iran hits new high
...[Honestly, do you need a punchline?]

Security tight before papal installation
...Altar boys tight before Fr. Shanley installation


4/24/05
Critics say Frist mingles religion, politics
...almost as badly as Bush mangles religion, politics

Miss America pageant may go 'reality' route
...though this will undoubtedly disqualify most contestants

Housing experts wary of bubble fatigue
...which brought about Lawrence Welk's retirement

Grand Ole Opry celebrates 80th year
...of keeping musical progress at a standstill

Palestinians seek movement in Gaza Strip
...Correction: Movement sought in Gaza Strippers


4/25/05
States trying to stop teen steroid use
...but muscled punks can rip off childproof caps

Benedict says he prayed not to be pope
...effectively disproving power of prayer in his first act as pope

'Don Quixote' fans read around the clock
...Bill Haley fans prefer to rock around the clock

U.S. urges Iraqi politicians to end deadlock
...or it will topple new regime while it's already in town

Microsoft gives details on Windows release
...so hackers and spammers can get geared up

Pope Benedict vows new battle for souls
...against Jesus, who keeps saving them for himself

Conservative southern Dems disappearing
...as lynching finds new popularity in Mississippi

Ohio man says he found skin on sandwich
...Wife admits it came from pudding in fridge

Report cautions on liposuction alternative
...a decling sex life as your husband looks elsewhere

Sleep patterns linked to diabetes risk
...Those who sleepwalk to fridge in most danger

Elton John to marry partner David Furnish
...in costume drama to put Cecille B. Demille to shame

Experts warn more girls are taking steroids
...to fend off horny jocks on the juice as well


4/26/05
University class bars student over poem
...that begins, 'There once was a girl from Carolina'

Afghan opium crop said down significantly
...due to decreased demand from Robert Downey, Jr.

New chip may cause software price problems
...much like Microsoft has done for decades

Kansas board taking up evolution debate
...about three billion years after the fact

Feds probe Martha Stewart's partying
...following appearance on 'Girls Gone Wild' video


4/27/05
Lawyer says Saddam Hussein in good health
...Futher proof there is no god, say atheists

Users ponder Microsoft 64-bit Windows
...Many users still trying to figure out Win 95

Gore blasts GOP bid to block filibusters
...as censorship of slow, boring speeches

Roberts on People's 'Most Beautiful' cover
...Visually impaired editor to resign this week

House votes to reverse GOP ethics rules
...Many stunned to discover GOP originally had ethics rules

Chastened Schwarzenegger trims agenda
...No more wet t-shirt contests at cabinet meetings

Texas A&M researchers clone horse
...'But I wanted a pony,' daughter exclaims


4/28/05
House passes budget that cuts Medicaid
...Over-65 membership in NRA rises sharply

New sleeping pill promises long-term results
...with the addition of secret ingredient: Cynanide

Bill would put serial numbers on bullets
...But intended victims' names could be added for a fee

U.S. to pay $87,500 to refugee denied asylum
...to buy his own asylum in a third world country of his choosing

Hundreds search for missing bride-to-be
...who likely ran off with bachelorette party stripper

Competition for energy supplies heats up
...Alternative source of heat found in competition


4/29/05
U.S. municipalities race to fix parking meters
...but don't have proper change to get to them before time expires

Schwarzenegger praises 'Minuteman Project'
...and hopes to star in the film adaptation next xmas

Wedding turns to prayer vigil for bride
...but isn't this sort of the tradition already?

Lawsuit claims LPGA golfer seduced caddie
...by wearing sexy plaid pants and green jacket

Western drought shrinking Big Muddy
...and prompting suggestions for new name

Bush muscles his agenda with tactical flexibility
...in preparation for Olympic try-outs

Imports increasingly burden US economy
...Actually, the export of money is the problem

School mistakes huge burrito for weapon
...with which student could have gassed gym class

Jackson jurors shown nude boy photos from '93 case
...Now lewd lawyers face child pornography charges

Pope more popular in Poland than Germany
...nothing to invade over though, say historians

Train stops inches from hitting children
...'That was a warning,' says engineer

'Soup Nazi' to launch takeout chain
...Customer service not expected to be high priority

Morgan Stanley board meets Saturday
...to complain about having to meet on a Saturday

ChevronTexaco profit up, forecasts missed
...Stocks mistakenly sold, shareholders pissed

Mauritian candidate quits WTO leadership race
...before hypnotized Sinatra can assassinate him

'Missing' mountain gorillas re-appear in Uganda
...when UFO returns duplicate gifts for store credit

For some, thumb pain is BlackBerry's stain
...but in Spain, the rain falls mainly on the plain

Girl sticks schoolmates with used needle
...in futher illustration of dangers of 'playing doctor'

Arthritis symptoms worse in African Americans
...or at least they complain more loudly, say doctors


4/30/05
Magazine predicted Cruise, Holmes
...on its Scientology horoscopes page

England to plead guilty to prisoner abuse
...so they're going to send her to prison?

Ga. woman found, reportedly got cold feet
...Groom-to-be at altar, reportedly got ugly face

Iraq urges neighbors to help secure borders
...from its suicidal bomb-wearing citizens

Gates pushes auto industry on technology
...in strange case where geek bullies grease monkies

Blair, rival moving debate away from Iraq
...due to constant threats from insurgents

Bush extends Social Security campaign
...to last longer than funds will under his plan


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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