The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

3/1/05
Seniors look beyond Canada for cheap drugs
...whereas college students prefer Mexican brands

Creaky operating systems show their age
...Experts advise users to apply oil to their abacus

Supreme Court ends death penalty for youths
...who won't eat their vegetables and clean their rooms

Artists break with industry on file sharing
...Industry break with artists on royalty sharing

ABC's 'NYPD Blue' signing off after 12 years
...Viewers given early release for good behavior

Italy to return ancient obelisk to Ethiopia
...Ethiopians disappointed to learn it's not made of cheese

Unknown force triggers star formation
...in strange case of 'American Idol's William Hung


3/2/05
Vermont towns take up Iraq resolutions
...after failing to adhere to New Years resolutions

Craigslist to beam classified ads into space
...in hopes of enticing E.T.s to buy white elephants

Jury views Michael Jackson TV documentary
...and finds the defendant even less life-like in person

German unemployment rises to record high
...Historians advise Jews to plan vacations abroad

Internet sales of mind-altering drugs surge
...to counter effects of proliferation of reality tv

Israel criticizes Palestinian meeting in U.K.
...as unfairly out-of-range of their rocket launchers

Police drama 'NYPD Blue' ends 12-year run
...from justice; sentenced to life in syndication

Bush demands that Syria leave Lebanon
...its camels when it writes its last will and testament

Iraqi politicians seek more time for new gov't
...before U.S. invades and topples it as well

Experts on serial killers laud BTK case
...for justifying their jobs as tv movie consultants

Indonesia, Australia rocked by powerful quake
...Lynyrd Skynyrd fans rocked by solo to 'Freebird'

High court debates Commandments displays
...'No smoking' signs deemed offensive to burning bush

General: Iraq insurgents patiently plotted
...by trained gravediggers in unmarked plots

Iraq's Kurdish militia struggling for role
...in Broadway revival of 'A Chorus Line'


3/3/05
Queen Nefertiti's bust on display in Berlin
...in attempt to replicate Janet's 'wardrobe malfunction'

Korean studio still animating 'The Simpsons'
...which explains why Homer and family are yellow

Media's role in BTK case scrutinized
...Several reporters may be charged as accomplices

Fossett closing in on end of non-stop flight
...by approach mountain range at low altitude

Senator denies comparing GOP to Nazis
...saying there are greater parallels with the Klan

Dozens of dolphins stranded in Florida Keys
...when drunken Miami team accidently sinks their charter

Bush considers shift in Iran nuclear policy
...just a little bit closer to DefCon 2

Sharon presses ahead with Gaza pullout
...Israeli army ponders futility of 'pressing' a pullout

Sen. Frist rejects Social Security concerns
...saying he already has a nest egg when it goes bankrupt

New online magazine urges jihad in Iraq
...But readership still low as most caves lack broadband

Segway unveils three new models
...that no one else will be able to afford either


3/4/05
States consider imposing limits on stun guns
...after repeated complaints from local wildlife

Turkish watchdog seeks to curb reality TV
...so Turkey can continue surrealist worldview

Program helps reduce teens' risky driving
...by grounding them until their 30th birthday

Latest Travolta film makes hybrid cars 'cool'
...in spite of uncool scientologist in driver's seat

More U.S. troops suffering brain trauma
...trying to figure out why they're deployed in Iraq

Martha Stewart still faces tough challenges
...in proving she's her own bitch, not her cellmate's

French town struggles with pedophilia case
...where Jackson is the Jerry Lewis of pop stars

Tiny eels netting higher prices than caviar
...thanks to viewership of 'Fear Factor' by millionaires

Officials recommend limiting gene therapy
...to those with only 26 pairs of chromosomes

Iraqi anger against insurgents grows
...into urgent insurgency against insurgents

Alanis recording acoustic 'Jagged Little Pill'
...in effort to be more annoying than ten years ago

'Arnold Classic' downplays ethics concerns
...admitting that there won't be any at this year's event

HP works to replace transistors on chips
...while Taco Bell adds nacho cheese to chips

'Muscle cars' see resurgence in popularity
...when steroid scandal strikes NASCAR


3/5/05
Democrats: Bush budget makes deficit worse
...GOP: Dems always claim Bush makes things worse

Women fear losing rights in new Iraq
...Clerics point out they never had any to being with

Drop in Mexico butterflies worries biologists
...who want to pin them in those little glass cases

Paris exhibit links Picasso and Bacon
...proving Kevin Bacon is center of the universe

Security high at judge's husband's funeral
...Judge says 'high' security guards were inappropriate

Democrats assail Bush's budget, deficit
...though both are apparently too high to scale


3/6/05
Police suspended over disco fire messages
...which read 'The roof-- The roof-- The roof is on fire...'

Schwarzenegger wants school junk food ban
...but automatic weapons are still okay on campus

Iraqis set opening for new parliament
...to be created by fundamentalist wearing Semtex

GOP, Democrats spar over retirement age
...for CNN's Larry King

Hezbollah mobilizes supporters for Syria
...All six expected to arrive by camel next August

Support builds for Egypt's jailed reformer
...thus confusing the term 'reformed criminal'

Sony considers shaking up top management
...by blasting them with new line of boomboxes

Kurdish towns benefit from Iraq insurgency
...since their enemy's enemy is likely their only friend

Freed reporter calls U.S. gunfire unjustified
...Soldiers plead the 2nd in the case

Thorough portrait of BTK suspect emerges
...although they could just take a picture at this point

Drug-coated stents revolutionize heart care
...for ailing musician/part-time addict David Crosby


3/7/05
James Brown rejects talk of retirement
...to star full-time in on-going real-life legal battles

'Wrist video' gives Israeli army an edge
...over Dick Tracy nemisis Big Boy Caprice

Blindness won't stop Iditarod competitor
...from freeing her ass off for no good reason

Surfers ride giant board into record books
...before being fined for damages by librarians

Space window closing on many astronauts
...so as to retain the air supply aboard the ship

Study: Happy marriage helps to heal wounds
...caused by prolonged sado-masochistic relationships

Members of near extinct tribe feared missing
...Tribe now officially designated as 'endangered'

At-home genetic testing raises questions
...about just what the milkman's been delivering

Tax cuts lose spot on Republican agenda
...Mikhail Gorbachev seeks similar treatment

U.S. says Syrian pullback plan not enough
...Syria says U.S. experts at not planning enough

Largest particle collider to be installed
...in Donald Trump's infamous comb-over

Smelly readers banned from California library
...where Scratch-n-Sniff books have been disallowed

Michigan State Police drop out of 'Matrix'
...after being offered red pills by Morpheus  [Don't sweat this one if you never saw the movie]


3/8/05
Cyberspace gives school bullies bigger stick
...but definitely blurs line between freaks and geeks

Study: Culture leads Latin youth to abstain
...from factory options on tricked-out vehicles

Army says harder to recruit young blacks
...in spite of supposed copious experience with firearms

Iraqi official slain, 15 headless corpses found
...and a spent cartidge in a palm treeeee!

Experimental diet pill keeping pounds off
...of presently insubstantial actress Calista Flockhart

Brother of Jackson accuser admits lying
...underneath accused pop singer/freak show

Taliban chief Omar vows attacks after winter
...but has to hibernate for his beauty sleep first

Spy groups fear some applicants are terrorists
...while terrorist groups fear some applicants are spies

'Counter-recruiters' shadowing U.S. military
...to place recruits behind McDonald's counter

Laughing heartily may be good for the heart
...unless source of amusment happens to hold a harpoon gun


3/9/05
Wisconsin hunter wants open season for cats
...following pressure from Chinatown restauranteurs

Bill Clinton to have scar tissue removed
...in proposed divorce settlement with Hillary

Thousands answer Hezbollah call in Beirut
...and demand to be placed on 'do-not-call' list

Revivals crowding out new plays on Broadway
...reads excised lyric from Drifters hit song

U.S. troops show softer side to Filipinos
...adding insult to injury with mooning incident

Census: Arabs in U.S. tend to be affluent
...prompting widespread investment in convenience stores

New Orleans installing surveillance cameras
...to film city-wide episode of 'Girls Gone Wild'

Mount St. Helens spews large plume of ash
...FCC issues fines for broadcasting offensive material

GAO official: No crisis in Social Security
...in spite of imminent destruction by hypothetical WMDs

Report finds U.S. infrastructure deteriorating
...but repaired on next episode of 'Nip and Tuck'


3/10/05
Lance Armstrong backs Paris' Olympic bid
...Controversial new events proposed by Hilton heiress

41 corpses found in Iraq; blast kills four
...while the other 37 remain in undead condition

Journalists push for U.S. gov't openness
...Bush acquiesces, but charges admission

Kodak develops faster, safer X-ray film
...to meet demand in medical home movie market

U.S. Muslims slam terrorist portrayals on '24'
...while U.S. slams terrorist Muslims 24/7

More Americans opt for post-retirement work
...to avoid caring for snot-nosed grandkids

Pilots grade U.S. aviation security an 'F'
...for letting them board jets while drunk

Bankruptcy rules soon could get tougher
...say Parker Bros. of impending version of Monopoly

FCC extends cell phone 'truth-in-billing' rules
...but lacks power to address IRS issues similarly

Aquarium's great white kills two tankmates
...for excessive phone sex charges on this month's bill

Jackson accuser describes graphic details
...of how singer looks in the morning without make-up


3/11/05
N.D. losing more children than any state
...due to so many grandparents with Alzheimer's

Forbes releases list of richest people
...who still haven't had sex with Paris Hilton

Calif. housing boom may be at pivotal moment
...as state prepares to break off into Pacific Ocean

Study says older siblings are favored, smarter
...in Bush family, though that's not saying much

Collaborative computing guru joins Microsoft
...since MS is infamously inept at collaboration

Michael Jackson may be near bankruptcy
...but is probably a little closer to incarceration

U.S. to work with Europeans on Iran talks
...by providing militant fundamentalists from DC

States asked to deregulate hair braiding
...as Whoopi Goldberg tires of legal entanglements

ABC edits Fox News out of 'Boston Legal'
...in effort to make the drama more realistic

Muslims walk off Dell jobs amid prayer dispute
...last seen heading easterly toward Mecca

Some 'senior moments' are signs of epilepsy
...For example, break dancing in 55 year-olds

Judge says Jay Leno can joke about Jackson
...but there's no guaranty it will be very funny

Congress may cut food aid, not farm aid
...but logically this may eventually cancel itself out

Trump weighs buying Miss America pageant
...to corner market on vacuous future trophy brides


3/12/05
Prosecutor attacks Lil' Kim's credibility
...Jury impressed by ability to hit such a small target

Marijuana industry booming in Canada
...in effort to curb numbers of hockey fights

Derby favorite 'Declan's Moon' out of the race
...leaving Kerry to issue horse-faced grin over 2008

Rod Stewart to wed girlfriend Penny Lancaster
...divorce proceedings expected follow her 30th birthday

Dolphin with first artificial fin performs in Japan
...where love of seafood and cyborgs is finally merged

Officials say Iraq won't be Islamic state
...once the entire country is evacuated

Studies cite progress in treating brain tumors
...as enemy combatants without right to representation

Many judges fear threats in court
...as they presently have only a gavel for protection

CeBit showcases tech's biggest, smallest
...On display: Steve Jobs' ego and Bill Gates' penis

Heavy-metal opera premieres in Norway
...after noise complaints from southern hemisphere


3/13/05
Poll: 7 in 10 worried about gov't secrecy
...Report: 3 in 10 secretly detained by gov't

Sudan fears propel 1,120-mile flight to Kenya
...Physicists intrigued by alternate source of propusion

Internet hunting of animals sparks controversy
...over whether to use a joystick or keyboard

New SAT test proves taxing for students
...10W-40 long form proves taxing for parents

Contract inspiring Red Sox curse to be sold
...to Ms. Cleo who has apparently lost her mojo

Wis. gunman said angry about losing job
...Victims said angry about receiving bullets

Tide of child obesity rising in rural U.S.
...Fearful residents being airlifted to safety

Disney president Iger promoted to CEO
...Old MacDonald had a farm.  EIEIO


3/14/05
Report: News coverage of Iraq wasn't biased
...Since many news anchors obviously supported Sadam

Student is youngest crossword champion
...in the running for world's oldest virgin

Accuser to school official: Jackson did nothing
...to make himself seem more life-like in person

Judge says California can't ban gay marriage
...without destroying Hollywood as we know it

Man says he didn't plot to assassinate Bush
...by giving him all the salted pretzels he could eat

Hostage's compassion disarmed Ga. fugitive
...in new romance novel by Danielle Steel

Jackson accuser denies inventing abuse
...Historians say Greeks earned this (dis)honor

Bird flu clusters may signal virus change
...Epidemiologists warn that flus of a feather flock together

Interest growing in use of ethical wills
...rather than relying on unethical will of lawyers


3/15/05
White House defends video news releases
...as George Orwell's corpse spins like a windmill

Book claims Nazis tested nuclear device
...against Superman and the All-Star Squadron

Accused gunman's getaway prompts questions
...such as 'Huh?' and 'What?' as well as 'Hey, where'd he go?'

Europe, U.S. separated by telephone cultures
...since neither find time to check their voice mail

Sofia Coppola films Marie-Antoinette biopic
...Critics demand off with studio heads!

Study: Tattoo ink may contain heavy metals
...Rolling Stone: Heavy metal fans may contain tattoos

Couple who met in tsunami refugee camp wed
...Modified vows read, 'For wetter, for dryer...'

Bush says Hezbollah could join mainstream
...if even a militant fundamentalist can be elected President

NASCAR suspends three crew chiefs
...since too many chiefs spoils the in-breeding

Spelling bees gain popularity around U.S.
...since 'U.S.' is easier to spell than 'Kyrgyzstan'

EPA issues rules cutting mercury pollution
...issuing from bursting globally warmed thermometers

Anthrax closes third U.S. military mailroom
...Cult metal band gaining notoriety to rival Motley Crue


3/16/05
Apple paid CEO Steve Jobs $1 salary for 2004
...Shareholders complain they didn't get their money's worth

Billy Joel enters alcohol rehabilitation program
...through wall of Betty Ford Clinic in his sports car

Bush calls on Hezbollah to lay down arms
...Arabs say they will when guns are not pointed at them

Retired alumni returning to college towns
...thanks to competitive edge conferred by Viagra

Blasts mar first Iraq assembly meeting
...or possibly even destroy it entirely

'Pocket bikes' drive new debate and laws
...but not at the same time, since there's so little room

Bush insists Iraq coalition not crumbling
...though insurgent efforts at demolition continue

Harvard chief loses faculty confidence vote
...GOP looks to new front runner for '08 nomination

Iraq National Assembly swears in lawmakers
...Lawmakers then promptly beheaded for swearing

Genes on X chromosomes behave differently
...for a few days right near the end of each month


3/17/05
Sosa tells panel he never used steroids
...since at least breakfast this morning

Bush's trade nominee faces uphill battles
...in unorthodox monster truck rally confirmation process

Democrats press FDA on 'morning-after' pill
...after drunken night on the town with scientists

NHL makes two offers to players' association
...one of which reads simply, 'or else.'

Roads out of Baghdad become 'no-go' zones
...for hapless travelers Bob Hope and Bing Crosby

'Sopranos' psychiatrist battles depression
...brought on by working with James Gandolfini


3/18/05
Senator asks FCC to probe gov't videos
...of Oval Office during Clinton administration

Possible mercury, autism connection found
...among children allowed to eat thermometers

Shiites protest suicide blast in Baghdad
...Demands include death sentence for suicide bombers

Wal-Mart settles illegal worker case for $11M
...Wal-Mart. Always Low Wages. Always.

Scientists: Road salt may harm environment
...unless deer are brought in to lick highways clean

Broker to limit sale of personal data
...to phishers, spammers, and the IRS

India PM pushes to save tiger population
...and reduce surplus population in inspired trade-off


3/19/05
House GOPs want feeding tube reinserted
...but ironically demand cuts to food stamp programs

Funding scarce for export of democracy
...though domestic demand for it at all time high

Mister Rogers' house gets tiny re-creation
...Electron microscope required to view trolley

Drought could parch S.D. Indian reservation
...were it not for all the free drinks at the casino

Congress aims to pass Schiavo legislation
...Critics contend lawmakers are brain-dead

New Orleans prosecutor defends firings
...while defense attorneys prosecute firings?

Music stars perform at S. Africa AIDS drive
...but are uncharacteristcally wary of groupies


3/20/05
Jackson lawyers to investigate scam claim
...that singer is a falsely accused black man

PlayStation Portable set to hit market
...Video game players prepare for first dose of sunlight

Experts: No benefit to reduced-sugar cereal
...as both come with same cheap prize in box

McCain says baseball cannot be trusted
...since Kerry claims to have played it in 'Nam

Senate passes legislation on Schiavo case
...with help from laxatives and high fiber diet

GM to cut N. American white-collar workers
...in secret gang-land style initiation ceremony

Museums settle battle over Civil War horse
...after growing tired of beating a dead... awww, forget it

France remembers sci-fi novelist Jules Verne
...in spite of above-average wine consumption


3/21/05
Bush signs bill that may let Schiavo live
...prompting Texas death row inmates to seek feeding tubes

Rice seeks China's aid on N. Korea talks
...Do any of you guys speak Korean?, asks Sec.

Israel's Jerusalem plan angers Palestinians
...Reality check: Israel's existence angers Palestinians

Opposition seizes major Kyrgyzstan city
...Geographers find 'major Kyrgyzstan city' oxymoronic

Jackson cries in court after arriving late
...and claiming a monkey ate his homework

High Court to hear restraining orders case
...from 200 feet or more away from the bench

Doctors work to understand vegetative states
...by watching Stephen Wright's comedy routines


3/22/05
Report: Nearly 11M illegal immigrants in U.S.
...Bob Barker and Pat Buchanan want mandatory spaying

Experts: Steroid hearings will boost use
...Legal costs to be covered by pharmaceutical co.

Latin American migrants send home $45.8B
...to import more velvet paintings of Jesus and Mary

Barry Bonds says he might miss season
...if he hibernates with bears next winter

Indian scientists develop tea in a pill
...which is a giant leap beyond tea bag technology

Selena's legacy grows after her death
...much like hair and fingernails, reportedly*

*Today's myth-buster: Hair and nails, in fact, do *not* grow after death.  However, they do appear longer due to the gradual dissication (drying out) of the corpse.  Apologies to those too freaked out to continue their lunch.


3/23/05
Baghdad shopkeepers kill three militants
...on security camera at world's most dangerous 7-11

Hunter Thompson's will calls for 'Gonzo Trust'
...but unlikely given poor track record of Muppet

Teen charged with Acropolis marble theft
...Critics say Greeks lost their marbles millenia ago

Minn. officials reach out to students
...to demonstrate how Jackson fondles

Australia may lift ban on Roquefort cheese
...as recent bioterrorism fears subside

Supreme Court's right-to-die rulings are few
...hence the current trend toward immortality

Driver convicted in human smuggling case
...further driving up costs of fresh humans

First light from extrasolar planets detected
...as Alpha Centuri nukes fundamentalist Vega system

Gov. Bush seeks to take custody of Schiavo
...prompting homeless Floridians to remove own brains

Krispy Kreme to close Wal-Mart stores
...by clogging arteries into store parking lots

Jackson judge bars computer material
...to keep defendant from morphing out of custody

Fugitive arrested 20 years after escape
...Extradition hearing scheduled for 2026

Judge: Chicago firefighters' exam biased
...against arsons and hydrophobics

Scottish Episcopalians OK gay priests
...due to traditional acceptance of men in skirts


3/24/05
PETA aims to stage 'running of the nudes'
...in effort to debunk impression they're a bunch of nuts

Soc. Sec. report changes numbers slightly
...from black to a distinctly more redish hue

Young elephants learn to mimic trunk calls
...Morning radio DJs learn to mimic prank calls

Supreme Court won't hear Schiavo case
...over din of protesters shouting at one another

Rare infection may be linked to petting zoos
...Hugh Hefner encourages gloves at Playboy Mansion

Trump says Jackson not coming to Vegas
...after learning hookers are 18 and older

Robots take center stage at World's Fair
...rest of country expected to be overtaken by dawn


3/25/05
WMD report unlikely to praise agencies
...or presidents who cry wolf

Higher mortgage rates may cool home market
...without futher damaging fragile ozone layer

Fingerprint evidence shown at Jackson trial
...Most damning is that all prints come from left hand

Report: TSA misled public on personal data
...by not correctly guessing their age and weight

House bill OKs $37M for Wal-Mart street
...Same street would cost over $40M at Target

Bush approval slips to lowest of presidency
...Experts fear it could soon drop below his I.Q.


3/26/05
Some question threat of cell phone viruses
...but cannot be heard through condom on earpiece

Housing market in Europe skyrockets
...as villas open on International Space Station

Tensions put damper on ethnic jokes in Iraq
...Anthropologists shocked to learn of ethnic jokes in Iraq

P. Diddy to make custom rims for vehicles
...during projected 10 year stay in Riker's Island

Official: New Iraq gov't expected within days
...Insurgent: New Iraq gov't expected to last days

Inflation still far from worrisome levels
...but doctors recommend lowering Viagra doses

Opposition will support Sharon Gaza plan
...While support will oppose it?  Insanity continues...

Report: Britney Spears to announce pregnancy
...Eugenics proponents want it to be shorter than last marriage


3/27/05
Jackson hearing could unearth old claims
...that Michael and Janet are the same person

Expert says Hurricane Ivan caused sand loss
...never mind the houses built on top of the sand

N.C. newspaper uses blogs to reach readers
...who can't discriminate between legitimate sources

Rights of foreigners on death row examined
...in wake of controversial Shiavo 'right-to-die' case

Anti-vaccine sentiment plagues Nigeria
...reads most tasteless use of a pun in an Ebola story


3/28/05
Cellular 'family plans' indicate slow sales
...Nuclear family plans also losing popularity

Evolution curriculum divides Pennsylvania town
...since rednecks don't want to swim in the same gene pool

Major earthquake strikes off Indonesia
...from list of countries to demolish this year

Report: U.S. spent nuclear rods are at risk
...of being prescribed Viagra

Fla. seniors wrestle with care decisions
...Winner to challenge Hulk Hogan for title

Stolen laptop exposes data of 100,000
...nude models ('data' being a euphemism, naturally)

X-ray reveals oldest known Antarctica painting
...to have been accidentally left in a patient's abdomen

Jackson jury can hear of past allegations
...on any late night talk show monologue

Death penalty tossed over bible verses
...since no 'sinless stone throwers' available


3/29/05
College grads see debt burden increase
...as stereo system prices soar to new highs

Kyrgyz man cites Kung Fu's role in revolution
...and nominates Jackie Chan for president of new regime

Bush plays down Iraq political disputes
...saying it will be resolved during next invasion

Reverend Jerry Falwell hospitalized again
...after accidentally tuning to Ellen's talk show

Poll reveals Harvard students mostly unhappy
...with their trust funds, thoroughbreds, and sports cars

To clear doubts, Schiavo autopsy planned
...to convince people who don't believe doctors


3/30/05
Prison population in Iraq doubles in 5 months
...due to shortage of cheap, effective contraceptives

Laura Bush lauds Afghan women's progress
...toward first millenium B.C.

Jewish settlers urged to give up weapons
...Settlers prefer to give up bullets through muzzles

NFL seeks stronger policy on testosterone
...Policy expected to receive testosterone injections

Camden, N.J. struggles with highest crime rate
...outside of Jackson's Neverland molestation factory

Romney urges defeat of stem cell research bill
...before submitting declaration that earth is flat

Openly gay Cheney daughter writing memoir
...though it will be in invisible ink by request of GOP

Scientists develop new fingerprint technology
...All fingers to be fitted with barcodes by 2012


3/31/05
Report warns of irreversible harm to Earth
...from aliens receiving Fox News transmissions

1 killed in blast at S.C. duct-tape plant
...Darwin Award committee called in to investigate

Australia has baby boom after gov't push
...DNA tests pending to determine father's identity

Lice from farmed salmon threaten wild fish
...Lakes to be filled with medicated shampoo

Microsoft sues 117 alleged 'phishers'
...for encroaching on Gates' monopoly on fraud

Proposed NYC stadium clears major hurdle
...in flagrant disregard of all known laws of physics

GOP agenda conflicting with states' rights
...Correction: GOP agenda conflicting with human rights

Columbia University cleared of anti-Semitism
...after anti-Semites rounded up and gassed by campus security


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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