The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

2/1/05
Washington state releases child killers early
...in effort to keep counter population explosion

Nepal's king dismisses government
...as outdated concept to be replaced by monarchy

Asia quake moved Sumatra by 20 centimeters
...but famously stoic Asians not moved at all

Bread industry looking to make comeback
...Bakers hoping their dough will rise

A&E wins 'Sopranos' syndication rights
...After editing, six episodes can be shown per hour

Iraqi president: U.S. troops should stay
...and enjoy more Middle Eastern hospitality

Olympics spotlight shines on 2012 bid cities
...where competing gymnasts are as yet unborn

Jackson's fame complicates jury selection
...though most won't admit to owning copies of Thriller

Aide: Bush to call for near-freeze in spending
...on advice from bakruptcy lawyers at the Pentagon

SBC to cut nearly 13,000 jobs in AT&T deal
...Disconnection notices to be sent out Monday

Teen claims antidepressant led to murder
...Only the lethargy kept him from killing, says doc

CIA revising prewar estimates on Iraq WMD
...Numbers scaled back significantly closer to zero

Orlando Bloom, Kate Bosworth break up
...U.N. diverts tsunami aid for clean-up efforts

L.A. mayor works to shake up tame image
...with assistance from Marion Barry's publicist


2/2/05
Military death benefit called too narrow
...as well as just plain oxymoronically named

England cleaner but London remains dirty
...as rubbish from rest of country swept into capital

Tiny pest decimating honeybee colonies
...Winnie the Pooh's lawyers object to term 'pest'

Little Havana remembers seizure of Elian
...and vows to regularly take anti-seizure medication

Porn to be featured at Berlin Film Festival
...Critics find it indistinguishable from rest of 'art' films

Homeland Security copes with infighting
...by installing additional metal detectors in offices

Web site traces African-American migration
...prompting new series of East/West coast rap slayings

Bush speech to tackle Social Security, Iraq
...and other troublesome tongue twisters for Texans

Nations pledge to improve plight of gypsies
...by restringing instruments and tuning up caravans


2/3/05
Supermagnetic stars reveal their secrets
...on next interview special with Barbara Walters

Oscar ballots mailed out ahead of big night
...as opposed to after the fact, which would be pointless

Prospective Jackson jurors asked about race
...but most can't guess without before/after photos

'Star Trek: Enterprise' to end in May
...Internet traffic doubles, servers crash worldwide

Social Security seen as Bush's hardest battle
...now that President picks on country his own size

Lawmaker pushes umbilical cord donation
...but no one wants the shrivled old thing


2/4/05
Rice: U.S. attack on Iran not on agenda
...before lunch this afternoon.  Maybe later.

Some in GOP question Social Security plan
...The rest simply don't have a calculator handy

Head of Oil-for-food program disciplined
...for not asking if customers want fries with that

'Sideways' sends pinot noir sales soaring
...as some viewers need to get drunk to sit through film

Jackson signed ex to secrecy about sex life
...on grounds that technology used was proprietary

Bush plans to increase defense spending
...to protect him against Soc. Sec. protestors

Dean poised to be new Democratic party chief
...Whooping and hollering to follow.  Pictures at 11.


2/5/05
Chicago's O'Hare ranks last in punctuality
...so travelers could walk to St. Louis faster

Rice says diplomacy can succeed in Iran
...following intensive rounds of airstrikes

Conflicts leave Congo with unexploited forests
...says reporter with glass perpetually half full

Guys join in as knitting surges in popularity
...reads prematurely leaked April Fool's Day story

Oil-for-food probe eyes Annan papers
...to determine source of suspicious stains


2/6/05
Rice: U.S. wants Iraq to remain whole
...in the ass of civilization

Turtles raise climate change questions
...Climatologists question credentials of mutant ninjas

Tagliabue says NFL team in L.A. is likely
...to think about getting a career in film

Cheney says he doesn't see Iraq theocracy
...nor hear no evil, nor speak no evil

Rumsfeld: Reporters not told what to write
...Reporters: Rumsfeld not told to check facts


2/7/05
Rumsfeld: Iraq needs time for military
...Iraq fought Iran for 8 years with what, ask historians

Cheap housing boom a triumph for Mexico
...until rain demolishes adobe subdivision

UC considers using barcodes for cadavers
...but can't figure which aisle to stock them on

Bush's budget plan seeks sweeping cuts
...Sweepers union vows to fight losses

Dean now sole candidate for DNC chair
...Political analysts predict landslide victory

Asteroid flyby may be visible to the naked eye
...moments before viewers are consumed by fireball

Fur prominently displayed on N.Y. runways
...due to strange aversion to razors by European models

Detainees say U.S. troops abused them
...Reality check: Detainees were detained for attempting to kill troops

Mining firm accused of hiding cancer risk
...behind cigarette machines in mine breakroom

Oscar nominees gather for annual luncheon
...to pretend to be nice while gossiping about rivals


2/8/05
U.S. election officials work to improve system
...so there's less slack in the rigging next time

'Lovesickness' may be medical condition
...Desperate J. Lo participates in vaccination trials

Browser feature could make scams easier
...for Bill Gates to perpetuate on Microsoft users

'Fat Tuesday' ushers in Mardi Gras climax
...oh, I don't even want to touch this one

Loophole limits prosecution of video voyeurs
...while keyholes permit proliferation of voyeurs

Bush: Congress must spend budget wisely
...instead of following his 4-year long example

NYC seeks quick decision on gay marriage
...before the expectant fathers give birth

U.S. blasts human rights panel selection
...Three dead, four injured in blast

Canadian clinic to try prescribing heroin
...to attract interest of American film industry

Pentagon, critics at odds over war accounting
...Do two wrongs make a right, ask actuaries

Arabs hope Mideast ceasefire will hold
...until they can reload and get into postition

Rice urges Europe to move past conflicts
...'Hey, you started it!' say 'old' Europeans

Fallujans welcome security, await electricity
...to power their home security systems

Bush Social Security plan raises questions
...from confused fuzzy mathematicians


2/9/05
Vatican clarifies annulment guidelines
...for clergy looking for distance from altar boys

Rice: NATO won't be world's policeman
...since America already plays role of 'bad cop'

Bill could bar firms from firing smokers
...Who is this Bill guy, ask secondhand smokers

Auction offers intimate look at Camelot
...JFK's sweatsocks expected to net price of a wash

Fiorina forced out as Hewlett-Packard CEO
...as company attempts to reboot from clean install

Teammate: McNabb was sick in Super Bowl
...even a full year after 'waredrobe malfunction'

AARP: Social Security only needs small fixes
...whereas government could use major overhaul

Health experts urge routine HIV tests for all
...who have been out drinking with Colin Farrell


2/10/05
Most celebrity autographs sold are fakes
...though, most realize celebrities are fakes as well

GM to debut new air bag technology
...which could revolutionize legislative fillibusters

Scientists learn how black holes stop growing
...while on modified Atkins diet

British Open to allow transsexual golfers
...Handicaps to modify requirements for a hole in one

Khatami: Iran would be 'hell' for attackers
...just ask the Iranians who live there already


2/11/05
Poll: Seniors key to slip in Bush rating
...'I've fallen and I can't get up!' President exclaims

Rumsfeld makes surprise visit to Iraq
...immediately outnumbering elected Iraqis one to nothing

Hundreds missing in Pakistan dam accident
...The dammed river got those poor dam residents

Abbas plans to confront militant leaders
...about missing office supplies problem

German '70s terror group still stirs emotions
...on nostalgic reunion tour with Lynyrd Skynyrd

Genetic barcodes to identify world's species
...in supermarket deli sectons

Networks to impose delays on awards shows
...because most agree they aren't long enough already

Citigroup to eliminate about 1,000 jobs
...Name to be changed to Towngroup

Quebec union rules out Wal-Mart boycott
...saying they don't have anywhere else left to shop

Playwright Arthur Miller wrote until his death
...in an erie parallel to many suicide cases with notes

Corey Feldman subpoenaed in Jackson case
...marking unprecidented 16th minute of fame for actor


2/12/05
Rumsfeld denounces idea for NATO rival
...saying reality tv is already passe

Hawaii mulls smoking ban on public beaches
...but island chiefs expect non-compliance from Mt. Kilauea

Brain-damaged woman talks after 20 years
...Doctors report her first words 'Change the channel!'

Navy Reservist with 11 kids heads to Iraq
...where he expects things will be much quieter

Navajo Nation votes to make meth illegal
...leaving many with nothing for peace pipes


2/13/05
Elephant festival kicks off at Indian park
...prompting false alarms of earthquakes nearby

Israel OKs list of prisoners to be freed
...after removal of Robert Blake's name

Senators expect Iraqi give-and-take
...much like Kuwait was taken/given back last time

Alicia Keys goes for record Grammy haul
...while Alan Keys rarely gets better than 2% of votes

Pluto still a mystery 75 years later
...Why can't he talk, but Goofy can?

Sale of red flowers banned in Saudi Arabia
...bachellors advised to give chocolates instead

Grammy Awards underway in Los Angeles
...Martial law in effect until dawn next morning


2/14/05
Ray Charles sweeps Grammys with 8 awards
...Acceptance speech delivered by psychic medium

Hunt for fugitives expands to retirees
...who may fare better in prison than with revised Soc. Sec.

Radio station offers free Valentine's divorce
...to Simpson and Latchley so they'll stay out of the news

Journalists under fire in Mexico drug war
...after Hunter S. Thompson snorts supplies

U.S. missile defense system flunks test
...but Bush vows no pork barrel left behind

Valentine's Day comes under fire in Iraq
...exactly the same as other 364 days of the year

Calif. GOP changes rule for Schwarzenegger
...legalizing use of automatic weapons in gov.'s mansion

Microsoft urges users to patch critical flaws
...by switching to Linux-based machines

Shiite Islamists to shape new Iraq
...like a great big bullseye in the sand

Vikings' buyer to be first black NFL owner
...in spite of long history of black Norsemen

Cultural divide sets Kurds apart in Iraq
...which is saying a lot for that part of the world


2/15/05
Royal wedding highlights role of divorcees
...in wrecking marriages of royal families

Future of 'Nightline' in question after 25 years
...after Ted Koppel overheard calling show 'Flatline'

Michael Jackson hospitalized on way to court
...This was 20 years overdue, say psychiatrists

Ex-priest gets 12 to 15 years for sex abuse
...Correction: Ex-priest gets 12 to 15 years *of* sex abuse

New-car buyers flocking to the Internet
...Weasly geeks prefered to weasly car salesmen

Landmark Kyoto treaty set to take effect
...except in US, which is presently at war with environment

Jose Canseco book generating big sales
...almost like bestseller is on steroids or something!

Florida shark attacks drop due to hurricanes
...which have been bottled as shark repelent

Coffee may help prevent liver cancer
...by promoting fatal heart attacks in mid-30s


2/16/05
Frictions between Japan and China surge
...reads most erotic headline for Asian fetishists

Iran threatens to shoot down U.S. drones
...U.S. threatens to load them with explosives

Rules to stem pollution on farms draw fire
...due to stockpile of flamable farm pollutants

Venus Williams among SI swimsuit stars
...Venus being the first swimsuit model for Botticelli

GOP Senators say go slow on Soc. Security
...so there will at least be something left when they retire

Wireless firms under fire to cut phone porn
...Meanwhile callers spend millions on 1-900 numbers

North Korea marks leader's 63rd birthday
...with unprecidented 21 warhead salute

Jennifer Lopez cancels European tour
...on grounds she married everyone there already


2/17/05
Bush set for fence-mending trip to Europe
...being qualified for little other than unskilled labor

Jewish settlers preparing for withdrawal
...from Midwestern "Red" states

Hollywood stuntmen look for Oscar respect
...after years of abuse in dysfunctional relationship

Monarch butterflies on decline in Mexico
...where democratic butterflies finally gaining foothold

Wrangling over new Iraq government begins
...Heavy casualties expected by nightfall

Allawi cautions Shiites on Baath ban
...as this would cause them to be even smellier

Social Security tax may mean more money
...Huh?


2/18/05
Bush to sign bill curbing lawsuits
...alledging malpractice by politicians

N.J. casino to fire weightier waitstaff
...for suspected embezzling of onion rings

Putin: Iran has no nuclear weapons plans
...since they have no paper on which to draw any

Brain research points to a 'sixth sense'
...that detects bullshit on reality tv

Rock calls Oscar time delay a 'safety net'
...but he has even better euphemisms for condoms

Fossil may be world's oldest intact rabbit
...except for foot taken by caveman for key chain

Monkeys control robotic arm with brain
...in more efficient model of utopian government

Syria nixes calls to pull troops from Lebanon
...saying they're safer from US attack over there


2/19/05
Experts: Sub can wiretap undersea cables
...and get European HBO for free!

Nudists dine out at Manhattan restaurant
...thanks to temperate NY climate in February

U.S. agencies warned against fake news
...spread by Bush and Rumsfeld about WMDs

MCI shareholder sues to stop Verizon deal
...by calling CEO at home asking him to change his plan

Bush seeks to mend fences on Europe trip
...and may also follow "Clean Restrooms" instructions

AU condemns Togo leader for staying in office
...when the weather outside is so nice this time of year


2/20/05
Poorest face most risk on Social Security
...Though Dylan postulates, 'When you got nutin' you got nutin' to lose'
U.S. youth revel in Japanese pop culture
...as austism rates skyrocket unexpectedly

Bulgaria moves to cull wolf population
...with import of vampires from neighboring Transylvania

Pair of women set out to ski across Arctic
...and for once we don't need to rely on Falwell's gaydar

Iraqi Shiites hope to avoid more attacks
...whereas most cultures welcome attacks?

Bush urging allies to move beyond Iraq
...and conquer rest of destabilized Middle East

Rice asks Japan about lifting beef ban
...but Japanese typically prefer fish on Rice


2/21/05
Author Hunter S. Thompson kills himself
...just days before his liver was set to implode

Edwards won't rule out 2008 W. House bid
...when Bush auctions it on eBay to pay for Soc. Sec.

Anglicans could face schism over gay priests
...despite example of solidarity set by Catholic church

Worker wounds two at Mississippi shipyard
...receiving only honorable mention for Darwin Award

Colleges reach out to retirement communities
...with budget-priced 'Girls Gone Wild' dvd collection

Venezuela leader says U.S. plans to kill him
...Psychiatrists are expected to increase haldol dosage

Bush raps Russia on democracy, rule of law
...and several other difficult-to-rhyme concepts

Washington lags in polls of top presidents
...due to smaller bribes than Lincoln or Hamilton, or Jackson

Paris Hilton's address book posted on Web
...by CDC in campaign to avert STD epidemic

U.N.: Afghanistan could become terror haven
...now that US has removed competing terrorists

Studies assess costs of clergy abuse scandal
...at 6.2 billion Our Fathers and 4.6 billion Hail Marys


2/22/05
Palestinians face crisis over new Cabinet
...since kitchen is too cluttered to find bare wallspace

Mexico schools' songbook spurs drug debate
...regarding merits of old vs. new coke

BTK killer's writing takes curious twist
...away from cliched historical romance novels

Reputed Mafia deaths face DNA scrutiny
...in which suspects are asked to spell DNA

Bush denies U.S. plans to attack Iran
...Critics note he didn't have a plan to attack Iraq either

Alpine iceman reveals Stone Age secrets
...under torture by U.S. forces at Guantanamo

Judge assures jurors Michael Jackson was ill
...pointing out that defendant looked 'a little pale'

Queen won't attend Charles-Camilla wedding
...because they're in the studio recording a new album

New 'Sober' worm spreading quickly
...'Drunk' worm to follow but with unsteady gait

Schwarzenegger's remarks draw anger
...among elocution teachers everywhere


2/23/05
Bush takes charm offensive to Germany
...where charm offensive was famously pioneered by Hitler

Estrogen's effect in older women studied
...as a safer alternative to formaldehyde

Bush, Schroeder denounce Iran nuclear aims
...'They couldn't hit the broad side of Canada,' scoffs Pres.

Sex toy case rejected by Supreme Court
...and instead donated to Paris Hilton

Some want Washington split into two states
...State of Confusion and State of Disarray

Fla. island rethinks its gator tolerance policy
...ACLU offers counsel for persecuted reptiles

Synthetic marijuana could slow Alzheimer's
...by making users forget what they couldn't remember


2/24/05
Soy industry searches for next innovation
...not that tofu really qualified as innovative

Historian: Thompson probably planned suicide
...or, by definition, it would have just been an accident

Rocket-fuel chemical found in breast milk
...explains rise in numbers of hyperactive children

Confederate Army remains to be reburied
...in truck with gun rack and rebel flag mud flaps

Dutch customs seizes African elephant parts
...Elephant slaps rude customs offical; lawyers conveen

Canada opts out of U.S. missile shield
...saying missles so rarely fall on them

Pope has tracheotomy to ease breathing
...doctors report his respiration is now 'infallible'

Hippo, tortoise pair surprises wildlife experts
...and prompts Jerry Falwell to pronounce end of civilization

Anglican leaders want U.S., Canada to leave
...huge donations in the collection box

Schiavo case highlights eating disorders
...among seriously demented reporters

Winter storm blankets Northeast in snow
...Blankets of snow fail to keep Northeast warm


2/25/05
Experts estimate Apple's iPod Shuffle profit
...as the only thing keeping Microsoft from swallowing it

Anglican leaders seek split over gay issue
...but most think the sequence would look too gaudy

Screeners' job demands strain air security
...New screens to be purchased for HEPA filters

German court: Beer with sugar is still beer
... and by any other word would taste as sweet

Pope breathing on own; told to rest voice
...by Jewish doctors, nurses, and everyone in Israel

Existing home sales slip in January
...due to accumulation of ice on the front steps

Stand-up comedy flourishes in Afghanistan
...where 'give us a hand' has different meaning to theives

Widow: Thompson shot self while on phone
...with an especially annoying telemarketer

Suicide barrier may go up on Golden Gate
...after disappointing turn-out for Democratic candidates

Martha Stewart leaves prison next weekend
...through tunnel dug with pepper mill and fondu fork


2/26/05
Iraq's neighborhood councils are vanishing
...after neighborhoods are leveled by insurgents

Mars discoveries spur talk of new mission
...by Mormons who will convert any form of life uncovered

Iraq: 'We are very close to al-Zarqawi'
...Clerics hastel to add, 'But purely in a platonic way!'

Many weight-loss studies lack key data
...due to participants breaking the scales

Palestinian police nab two in disco bombing
...Motive unclear why disco went down in flames in '80s

Wolfgang Puck prepares for Oscar banquet
...in ironic experiment with anorexic actresses


2/27/05
Female soldiers facing greater danger in Iraq
...when Motley Crue joins USO tour

Governors sound alert on U.S. high schools
...and are sent to detention for pulling false alarms

PBS chief: FCC fines worry broadcasters
...so they've pulled Nat'l Geographic for nudity

Pope makes surprise appearance at window
...of Holy See Burger King drive-through

Global anti-tobacco treaty takes effect
...forcing Keith Richards to move to Mars

Celebs meet and greet at Oscar rehearsals
...after meet and greet at their rehab clinics

U.S. plans Arab-language TV for Europe
...in move to appease Osama Bin Laden


2/28/05
'Baby' is Oscar heavyweight with 4 wins
...after Eastwood threatened voters to 'make his day'

Tax preparers seek young clients on Web
...as convicted pedophiles find careers in accounting

Washington weighing new approach on Iran
...Experts expect 'approach' to be measured in kilotons of TNT

Michael Jackson's molestation trial begins
...to grate on weary viewers nerves already

Court considers disability law on cruise ships
...Cripples no longer required to 'walk the plank'

Vatican says the Pope begins voice therapy
...to finally eliminate that annoying Polish accent

FCC says 'Private Ryan' is not indecent
...but 'Saving Ryan's Privates' may not fare as well

Attorneys get firsthand look at Guantanamo
...when they are detained there as well

'Leaking gravity' may explain cosmic puzzle
...about Oprah's missing (m)ass

Japan's top samurai creates samba sensation
...in new Bollywood musical now showing in Tahiti

China has more than 1.6M divorces in 2004
...in response to Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston separation

Oral history helps island survive tsunami
...by collectively buoying it on a mass of hot air

Japanese firm develops robotic mannequins
...to replace more artificial looking supermodels

Aspiring teens wind up homeless in Hollywood
...as Jackson steers clear of the Blvd. during trial


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
Back to the index