The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

1/1/05
Inmates' fate in flooded Aceh prison unknown
...Cell blocks collectively renamed 'Death Row after Row'

Online merchants see record holiday season
...with introduction of gift certificates from lesbianmidget.coms

Magazine toasts unabashed alcoholism
...of thoroughly Irish actor Colin Farrell

Gunmen to support Abbas presidency bid
...in reflection of NRA's growing political influence

Abbas vows to protect Palestinian gunmen
...with condoms to prevent camel-borne STDs

Marine life could take centuries to recover
...from Iraq conflict, never mind the tsunami

'Fortified' candy troubles nutrition experts
...Many fear they will have nothing left to complain about

First unvaccinated rabies survivor goes home
...to the Osborne residence to resume life as normal


1/2/05
Abbas wants to protect Mideast militants
...from Midwest Christian fundamentalist regime

Experts predict top tech developments for '05
...including computers with airbags to protect in crashes

Israeli forces launch new Gaza operation
...Legions of mohels decend on West Bank for major bris

Gov't gave faith-based groups $1B in 2003
...but Bush's binge drinking years still not forgiven

U.K. music stars to launch tsunami aid single
...Asian survivors drown themselves in mass protest

Canada confirms case of mad cow disease
...at arraignment hearing for Courtney Love

Yugo investor to bring Chinese cars to U.S.
...customs officers find first fleet of them in his pockets

'Sopranos' producer in talks to run Paramount
...Said to have made them an offer they can't refuse


1/3/05
Justice Dept. takes tougher stance on torture
...by threatening to mercilessly beat anyone convicted of it

Hospitals torn over offering fast food
...in order to attract return visitors to cardiac ICU

Obese teens face multiple health risks
...from towel-snapping locker room bullies

Bush pushing for more faith-based funds
...Sign reads, 'Will pray for cash'

Kansas ordered to spend more on schools
...in spite of controversial ban on evolution

New technology aids tsunami recovery effort
...Tsunami resting comfortably in state-of-art facility

300 mislabeled bodies exhumed in Thailand
...Bodies should have read 'Made in China'

Judge denies bail for John Gotti's son
...Funeral service scheduled next week for judge


1/4/05
Survey finds little data on diet plans working
...among celebrity reality show contestants

History Channel to launch military spinoff
...to re-run Fox News reports from last week

Dreams help sort out real-life problems
...Day dreamers accumulate real-life problems

Tsunami survivors jam crowded hospitals
...Reporters especially careful not to use word 'inundated'

U.S. soldier goes on trial for killing Iraqi
...This is highly illogical, notes Mr. Spock

More bad weather heading for California
...Los Angeles may even experience clouds

Officials propose Sing Sing prison museum
...Admission is free, but vistors stay to last 3 to 5

Gonzales to face tough questions on torture
...Family and friends hope he survives brutalization

Cell phone maker adds tech to ski jackets
...A logical next step given safety of driving with phones

Sex habits unchanged by morning-after pill
...among San Francisco gay and lesbian community


1/5/05
Cosmetic procedures gaining among men
...particularly when they are performed on their wives

Travel web site aids search for tsunami victims
...in effort to target people most in need of a vacation

Portugal facing worst drought in decade
...Relief to be pumped in from Asian coastal towns

Condom testing reveals most durable brands
...in season finale of Paris Hilton reality tv show

Scientists map potential tsunami flood zones
...Property values plunge below sea level in some regions

Anti-Schwarzenegger campaign kicks off
...in the form of DVD release of "Last Action Hero"

World leaders gather for tsunami summit
...where they hope to keep heads above water

Manning wins first Offensive Player award
...for use of colorful language on the field

Gonzales promises non-torture policy
...by blocking production of Police Academy sequels


1/6/05
Secondhand smoke lowers kids' test scores
...since they can't see over classmates' shoulders

Doctors warn of health woes from tsunami
...Top of list: Drowning.

U.S. leads the world in file swapping
...ABC leads ratings with 'Wife Swap'

China's population reaches 1.3 billion
...If stood end to end, could finally reach the moon

New patch may replace medical injections
...to protect against viruses attacking Windows security flaws

Album sales up for first time in 4 years
...with release of Weird Al's Greatest Hits vol. 4

Officials: Tsunami dead could rise sharply
...if witch doctors are allowed to complete ceremony

Wis. officials capture wandering kangaroo
...and ticket several other loitering marsupials

Used body armor sought for troops in Iraq
...on eBay, the world's largest garage sale and armory

NBA fans shunning Kobe Bryant's jersey
...until he promises to have it washed and disinfected

Ridge: U.S. sees lull in terrorism 'chatter'
...as Mideast gossip diverted by 'Desperate Housewives'


1/7/05
Predatory insects change diet for balance
...following latest report from Surgeon General

AP poll finds Americans split about Bush
...Some hate him, rest of country okay with 'harmless moron'

General fears 'spectacular' Iraq attacks
...by fabulous cast of 'Queer Eye for the Islamic Guy'

Atheist sues to thwart inauguration prayer
...says Bush hasn't got a prayer (or at least shouldn't)

Benefits of downhill exercise cited in study
...Report indicates Bush Presidency in tip-top shape

Sox first baseman won't give up Series ball
...Game stretches into record 54,824,656th inning

Iraq insurgents making more powerful bombs
...including forbidden sequel to 'Ishtar'

Report: U.N. troops exploited Congo girls
...in Bob Hope's U.S.O. band

10 young students strip-searched in Texas
...M. Jackson inquires about pay-per-view showings


1/8/05
Colorful wristbands reach cult status
...as UFO approaches behind new comet

Int'l observers tour Mideast roadblocks
...in newest low for Arabic tourist industry

Company says it collected brains ethically
...Surgeons say brains collected surgically

Mysterious jet tied to torture transfer flights
...in turn tied to loss of airline ticket revenue

Soldier gets six months in Iraqi drowning
...World wonders if he can hold breath that long

Fans gather in Memphis for Elvis' 70th birthday
...Not in attendance due to other commitments: Elvis


1/9/05
Gunfire underscores tsunami relief dangers
...Relief workers to be issued bulletproof life preservers

Ubiquitous lasers pose aviation problem
...around Death Star's thermal exhaust port

Hurricanes may have helped manatees
...in their plan for domination of world's oceans

Farm groups criticize U.S. mad cow policies
...amid calls for cows' impeachment

Feminists face hard times after Bush election
...reads most obscene headline in recent history

Auto show features more 'green' machines
...Other colors available by request but pricier


1/10/05
Porn industry seen driving DVD technology
...Porn stars seen driving... ah, use your imagination

Cheney's focus may change in second term
...due to increased  dosage of ritalin prescription

Apple users anticipate new iPod, computer
...in spite of coal received in stockings last Christmas

Moss likely to be fined for pretend mooning
...when fans expect the genuine article

Two military-themed channels unveiled
...Ratings battle expected to yield heavy casualties


1/11/05
Sleeping more may promote weight loss
...due to slowed consumption of bacon between meals

Israel's Sharon to call Abbas
...by insulting names; bathroom humor to follow

Security in tsunami-hit Aceh said unsafe
...and will thus be more precisely renamed 'Insecurity'

French, German economies worry Europe
...reads history textbook in at least two chapters

Fallujah residents angry over destruction
...Iraqis also angry over reconstruction; Country to be demolished

Black holes may deform space and time
...if ingested during first trimester of pregnancy

Pundits seek reason for Aniston-Pitt split
...Commission formed to get to bottom of critical issue

California town sees hillside slide away
...Paul Simon saw hairline slip-sliding away in '70s

Apple unveils Mini Mac, IPod Shuffle
...and other moves in surprise break dancing resurgence

Clooney invites O'Reilly to tsunami benefit
...Media forgets Pitt/Aniston split in light of new romance


1/12/05
Vatican wants U.S. to finish job in Iraq
...that Crusaders abandoned centuries ago

Russia plans to boost high-tech sector
...to live up to reputation from James Bond films

Ridge seeks fingerprints on passports
...and plans to dust documents himself for them

Small cars take center stage at auto show
...and get better spots when parallel parking

Justices reject part of U.S. sentencing rules
...Scalia wants direct objects to proceed action verbs

NASA launches comet-smashing spacecraft
...to be piloted by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck

U.S. disbands Iraq WMD search team
...for higher priority hunt for Loch Ness monster

Fossil shows early mammal ate dinosaurs
...Fossilized aphorism states early bird catches worm

Study tests effect of religious beliefs on pain
...in follow-up to research by Spanish Inquisition

U.S. sees no gain in delaying Iraq elections
...Bush will likely be defeated in traditionally liberal region

France seeks new start to relations with U.S.
...with gift of updated nude version of Statue of Liberty


1/13/05
'A Chorus Line' to return to Broadway
...to celebrate gay marriage of song and dance

'Freight dogs' transport billions in checks
...to Bill Gates' home at the North Pole

French actor Depardieu tied to fraud inquiry
...Jury finds he was never sexy, no matter what critics say

Military escorts ordered for aid workers
...Ironically, military requests for escort service denied

U.S. retail sales rise more than expected
...[insert standard Viagra punchline here]

Prince Harry rules out Auschwitz visit
...Says he only stays at five star establishments

Defense rests without Graner testifying
...on grounds testimony would have been torture

Cheney defends Soc. Security overhaul plans
...by recommending retirees invest in Haliburton

Senators request Education Dept. records
...to revoke certification of Bush's speech teachers

'Ultrasound for stars' reveals stellar embryos
...but again Jodie Foster is mum about father's identity

Jury testimony in Jackson case revealed
...after being sequestered behind surgical masks

Bush swearing-in to cost more than $40M
...in fines by FCC for public use of 'swear words'

Medical records: Rosa Parks has dementia
...Civil rights activist no longer remembers where to sit

Tenn. school allows Muslim headscarves
...Next up: Klan members may also wear headgear

Vending machine industry aims at obesity
...with introduction of mirrors on front of machines


1/14/05
Study shows albatrosses often circle globe
...in search of better parking spots

European probe lands on Saturn's moon
...as EU expansion continues beyond Earth's orbit

Rising water prompts Calif. evacuations
...and attracts scores of surfers to region

Bush admits misgivings for some expressions
...Humorists offer thanksgivings for assorted Bushisms

Speaker touts stripping to middle schoolers
...Michael Jackson ends speaking tour amid controversy

Jury told Abu Ghraib abuse was for laughs
...following loss of cable and weak USO line-up

Japan, U.S. to provide tsunami warnings
...Unemployed astrologers apply in record numbers

Lasers reportedly pointed at Hawaii planes
...as Pink Floyd performs theatrical concert on island


1/15/05
Virginia court strikes down singles sex law
...Related story: Latex futures up 12 points at close

New photos show Titan has orange surface
...Cast of 'Trading Spaces' to make over unfashionable moon

Bush warns of Social Security bankruptcy
...within five years of his plan going into effect

California dam leak stops, but most stay away
...due to all the dam water in residents' houses

At least 22 pilot whales beach in N.C.
...Co-pilot whales sought for questioning


1/16/05
U.S. announces 'open skies' deal with India
...in which smog will be shipped overseas for cleaning

Greenland plans tourist polar bear hunts
...Polar bears reportedly thrilled at prospect of tourist meat

Many Iraqis say Graner sentence too lenient
...since soldier is allowed to retain both hands

Ex-Raider Robbins shot by police in Florida
...as jewelry store raider becomes bullet receiver

Possible lake seen in Titan probe images
...Confused realtors seek waterfront property listings

Bishops screen Catholic priests on cruises
...Priests barred from cruising Hollywood Blvd.


1/17/05
Bush won't push Senate for gay marriage ban
...but may proposition legislators in Capitol restroom

Colorado man finds four-inch nail in skull
...while taking out brain to play with it

Cancer claims ex-McDonald's CEO Bell
...Heart disease has dibs on rest of board of directors

Email worm exploits tsunami to spread virus
...Note: Boiling computer will not stop water-borne virus

Minnesota town hits 54 degrees below zero
...the temperature at which even Fargo accents freeze

Groups lobby FDA on morning-after pill
...following previous night's drunken orgy

Mystery writer Charlotte MacLeod dies at 82
...Killer to be dramatically revealed in Chapter 27

Bush set to unveil second-term agenda
...as soon as he gets back from 6 week vacation

Iraq voter registration turnout low in Detroit
...where residents lack U.N. protection from insurgents

Theme park plans 'Fear Factor' attractions
...in effort to drive down attendance and shorten lines

Fox blurs cartoon rear end on FCC worries
...marking apparent apogee of pendulum swing


1/18/05
Fox looks to move away from reality TV
...by following lead of successful Fox News channel

Andrew Lloyd Webber receives buyout offer
...from neighbors sick of those damned singing cats

Germany begins year-long Einstein celebration
...At 90% of speed of light, celebration will last approx. 13 months

Critics: Bush inaugural too lavish for wartime
...since event was paid for with Social Security money

Titan success kicks off big year for space
...Cosmologists say space has been big for 15 billion years

Rice pledges to mend strained ties with allies
...Allies appreciate her skills as neckwear seamstress

Supreme Court sidesteps Guantanamo case
...on fears of being imprisoned without representation

Terror warnings drop as inauguration nears
...as obviously a terrorist attack would be redundant

U.S. citizen charged in oil-for-food probe
...Prosecuters point to giant turkey frier in garage

Web sites let drivers report road ragers
...on perilous information super-highway

Spacecraft landed in mud on Saturn's moon
...Snooty European craft reportedly despises vacation spot

Iran says it has might to deter any attacks
...by any opponent short of scimitar-weilding camel riders

Georgia schools to appeal evolution ruling
...State says it will not evolve theoretically, and that's a fact

Farm generates electricity from manure
...National Enquirer loses monopoly in manure trade

Colombia right-wing fighters demobilize
...as Bush inauguration is imminent


1/19/05
Bombing clouds Abbas' talks with militants
...Talks to resume when clouds of debris have cleared

Prehistoric site under attack by birds
...in newly discovered film by Ed Wood

'Rings' director said eyeing 'Lovely Bones'
...as Peter Jackson attempts to woo Renee Zellweger

Bush prepares for second inauguration
...with speech writers and speech therapists

Two children found in Va. after abduction
...Grey aliens driving UFO sought for questioning

Marvel ordered to pay Spider-Man creator
...Judge rules that 'with great power comes great liability'

Shrieking frogs unnerve Hawaiian island
...Scoody Doo and the gang plan to investigate

Democrats to delay Rice confirmation vote
...in desperate 'Rice cooker' political maneuver

Cancer tops heart disease as leading killer
...FBI revises "Most Wanted" list; issues APB

Over 33 million tune in for 'American Idol'
...Several contestants out of tune on 'American Idol'

Ireland's speed limit signs to go metric
...but drunk divers don't care on way home from pub

Fashionistas eye First Family inaugural attire
...and critique buckles on hats of puritanical regime

Silver named hottest car color for 2005
...Physicists point out that black absorbs more wavelengths

Bush pledges to seek unity in second term
...and to take it by force if the U.N. won't give it

Simpson, Lachey return for 'Newlyweds'
...in spite of U.S. condemnation of torture


1/20/05
Diet deemed problem for tsunami survivors
...Indonesians refuse to drink 12 glasses of water a day

Mr. Potato Head to don Darth Vader gear
...in embarrassing third film installment of new Star Wars saga

Giant pandas boost numbers by almost half
...to take surprise lead in Vegas Poker Championship

Bush starts new term, seeks end to tyranny
...and summarily tenders resignation

All-mom bands rock housewife stereotype
...while band's male groupies help confirm male stereotypes

Hajj pilgrims begin symbolic stoning of devil
...Jamaicans have similarly named, unrelated ceremony

Brazilian gives birth to 16.7 pound baby
...market surplus immediately drives down baby stocks

Colleges use creative recruiting stunts
...such as slogans like 'Dubya did not graduate from here'

Battle likely over Supreme Court justices
...on this season's 'Bachellorette: Senior Edition'

Christian groups attack SpongeBob video
...in which he looses his Squarepants


1/21/05
Fossilized fowls question evolution of birds
...Anti-science fundamentalists resent being called foul

FCC Chairman Powell reportedly resigning
...after accomplishing ratings boost for Howard Stern

Volcanic eruptions triggered 'great dying'
...among over-eager volcano watchers near crater rim

Police probe allegation against Bill Cosby
...who contends Kids Say the Darndest Things'

Christian right marks start of 'a good 4 years'
...by cancelling their Playboy subscriptions

Mexico vows to deal with prison slaying crisis
...by moving all inmates to Death Row

Judge won't block Angels name change
...without consulting with Supreme Being

Hajj pilgrims stone 'devil' Bush in ritual
...Bush reportedly stoned throughout college years

Report: Taser to increase stun gun's power
...in effort to increase sales by boosting 'shock value'


1/22/05
Twin attacks in Iraq kill at least 21
...Intoxicated Bush twins captured following escapade

Guests arrive in Florida for Trump wedding
...semi-annual event regarded as boon for tourism

U.S., Iraqi brace for wave of election bombs
...when Forbes, Buchanan announce candidacies

3,500-year-old mummy unearthed in Egypt
...in never-ending search for body of Jimmy Hoffa


1/23/05
Johnny Carson, king of late night, dies
...from cummulative effects of Jay Leno's monologues

U.S. foresaw terror threats in 1970s
...movies like Frankenheimer's 'Black Sunday'

Nev. judge nullifies law on lap dances
...after otherwise uneventful three martini lunch

Pentagon creates new espionage arm
...so secret it doesn't even have a name

Firms get creative to woo wealthy women
...by dressing employees as 'midnight cowboys'

Genocide movie premieres in Rwanda
...where screenings report record low turn-out


1/24/05
Madrid a hotbed of sin, says cardinal
...in new positition as official Madrid travel spokesman

Northeast digs out from massive winter storm
...only to see shadow and brace for six more weeks of winter

'No Name-Calling Week' begins in schools
...Originator of idea labeled 'doo-doo head' by 4th graders

U.S. military may face troops shortage
...unless human cloning ban is reversed soon

Winter storm linked to about 20 deaths
...cast of 'CSI' to break the case Thursday night

High court upholds dog sniffs at traffic stop
...however, leg humping of motorists ruled cruel and unusual

Teen survey 'maps' high school sex chain
...in tenatively titled 'Six Degrees of Fornication' study

Republicans skeptical of Soc. Sec. plan
...proving that you can't even fool some of the people

Sidekick Ed McMahon remembers Carson
...through haze of alcohol-induced dementia

Poll: Most Japanese want troops out of Iraq
...and replaced with giant transforming robot dinosaurs


1/25/05
Fla. loses appeal in Terri Schiavo case
...Tourists report finding Fla. unappealing

Britons getting more nips, tucks and trims
...but Charles refuses to undergo ear reduction

Memory training helps kids with ADHD
...remember to take their ritalin during commercials

Ex-porn king Goldstein rebuilds with bagels
...in previously unexploited food fetish demographic

Kennedy won't run for N.Y. attorney general
...Mob continues to run from attorney general

'The Aviator' gets 11 Academy Award nods
...At 170 minutes, many viewers also begin to nod

New Ukraine leader knocking on EU's door
...asking to borrow sugar and flour already

Bush wants $80B more for Iraq, Afghan wars
...Budweiser and NASCAR to sponsor deal

FBI says Boston 'threat' a false alarm
...Supergroup does not plan to reunite for tour

Phoenix moves forward on light rail system
...Town now located just inside New Mexico

Some offices opt for cell phones only
...Calls will now be transfered through the mail room


1/26/05
Siemens German workers face longer week
...Due to influence of Lennonist '8 Days a Week' policy

Same-sex couples in Mass. tackle taxes
...'Can we claim our decorator as a dependent?'

Scientists create petrified wood in days
...Viagra fortified prune juice to be released this fall

Israel, Palestinians resume contacts
...after breaking one another's glasses in fist fights

U.S. drops Afghan opium spraying plans
...after realizing country is dopey enough unmedicated

NHL, players to resume talks Wednesday
...assuming their jaws can be unwired at that time

St. Johns River centerpiece of Super Bowl
...Swimming across 50 yard line complicates offensive plays

Britain seeks new powers in terror fight
...by allowing bites from radioactive spiders

Owens may ignore doctor for Super Bowl
...but insiders saw he will likely notice cheerleaders

Education secretary condemns PBS show
...for frequent interruptions during pledge drive


1/27/05
Company tells employees to quit smoking
...ACLU thinks bosses must be smoking crack

Rice replaces Powell as top U.S. diplomat
...Correction: Top-*ranking* U.S. diplomat

Sharon satisfied with Palestinian efforts
...to blow themselves up

Anheuser-Busch launches souped-up beer
...Drinkers tend to prefer chicken noodle to vegetable

Magazine names '25 top jobs' for 2005
...Top of list: Playboy centerfold photographer

Baath backers, extremists slipping into Iraq
...Most agree extremists should slip into bath instead

Study finds most bone growth occurs at night
...as teenage boys usually notice first thing in morning

Vote casts spotlight on Iraqis in Tennessee
...in pioneering fundamentalist exchange program


1/28/05
Bush advisers OK Social Security plan
...for exiting Sec. State, Colin Powell

Oscars lack blockbuster to lure TV viewers
...to sleep on the couch instead of their beds

Mad cow disease said found in French goat
...further clouding the inane gay marriage debate

Molson shareholders OK Coors merger
...in drunken stupor following binge 'taste tests'

Officer who arrested Lee Harvey Oswald dies
...Conspiracy theorists already on trail of the killer

Third columnist was paid by Bush agency
...McCarthy to be exhumed to aid search for fifth columnists

Casinos test tracking system in betting chips
...But 007 makes quick getaway in gadget filled hot rod

Fidgeting may be key to weight loss
...Innovative exercise outfits to be made from itchy fabric

Michael Jackson jury to see 'erotic' material
...when Madonna makes surprise courtroom appearance

More musicians than ever playing live gigs
...but Elvis, Hendrix, Cobain find death more profitable venue

Iraqi expatriates begin voting in U.S.
...While reporters remain oblivious to oxymoronics

P&G bid set to shake up advertising world
...with 'wardrobe malfuntion' Super Bowl ads

Cubs, Orioles may be close to a Sosa deal
...DEA moves in to bust alledged Sosa dealers


1/29/05
Abbas, Sharon to meet 2nd week in February
...to exchange Valentine's cards and maybe some chocolates

Michelin recommends unopened restaurant
...but would-be patrons dismayed at lack of service

Iraqis worldwide continue casting ballots
...while Iraqis in Iraq continue casting explosives

Bush committed to new world trade talks
...just as soon as he gets a handle on English

Anthrax kills 18 hippos in Ugandan Park
...Rowdy metal band to be deported from country

Global counterfeiting business ratchets up
...for anticipated Valentine's Day shopping needs


1/30/05
Mexico, U.S. seek to defuse spat over drugs
...by asking Courtney Love to cover her rehab bill

White House has high stake in Iraqi vote
...as U.N. bettng pool has oil on the table

Jolie urges world leaders to aid refugees
...from theaters showing Oliver Stone's 'Alexander'

Prostitutes aid Illinois serial killer probe
...with free 'massages' for stressed FBI agents

Methamphetamine scourge sweeps rural U.S.
...where farmers try to cope with hectic pastoral life

Israel to conduct West Bank hand over
...Palestinians hand it back by throwing one rock at a time

Government computer blunders are common
...Government pioneered blunders before computer era

Once-invincible 'Governator' dips in polls
...Supporters contend that he is merely reloading

Qatar considers privatizing Al-Jazeera TV
...to cash in on sponsorship from pork rinds cconsortium

Russia's Putin praises Coppola's films
...for instructing him in the horse-head manuver


1/31/05
Bush calls the Iraqi election a success
...in futher demonstration of his psychic abilities

Jewish settlers protest Gaza pullout plan
...citing greater success in simply using condoms

Road trips become the norm for TV anchors
...prompting networks to recruit former Deadheads

Company won't pull straightjacketed bear
...for fear of being eaten alive by annoyed ursine

DiCaprio gets lifetime achievement award
...Olson Twins expected to receive honor next year

Viruses, X-rays added to cancer agents list
...by Marie Curie and others decades ago

Jackson trial revives media coverage debate
...about how long 'trial of the century' title will last

EU ends diplomatic freeze against Cuba
...noting temperate climate immune to freezing

Allawi calls for unity after Iraqi elections
...Tribes vow to unify and attack president-elect

Abstinence program didn't affect Texas teens
...in delaying birth of their second child before prom

Jackson stands before prospective jurors
...then grabs crotch and moonwalks back to his seat


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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