The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

12/4/04
Thompson to leave Cabinet, Rumsfeld stays
...on this week's episode of 'Survivor: Bush Country'

Meth's 'aphrodisiac' effect may add to its allure
...among Viagra-resistant strain of dirty old men

Shortage of sugar substitute Splenda seen
...as first sign of Apocalypse by dieters

Dylan gives first TV interview in decades
...Network promises to provide subtitles for viewers

Bush mum on Pakistan's hunt for bin Laden
...Barbara suited up for special ops desert cave detail

China launches new class of nuclear sub
...in spite of Maoist promise to end class warfare

Interstate wine sale fight goes to court
...in recently re-discovered W.C. Fields comedy

Marijuana bale found in food bank shipment
...in questionable effort to increase appetites among the starving


12/5/04
Dems, GOP leaders urge intelligence vote
...Sadly, many voted with typical lack of intelligence

Thai military drops origami 'peace bombs'
...Muslims to escalate conflict with fortune cookie retaliatation

'National Treasure' retains No.1 box office spot
...Theologians suspect pact betwee Nick Cage and Satan

China promises to sustain development
...of popular series of 'Confucious say' jokes

Man runs onto court at Davis Cup final
...in futile attempt to make tennis matches interesting

AMA members debate safety of drug imports
...from Columbia, Vietnam, and Jamaica

Wonder bashes Eminem for Jackson criticism
...Singer reportedly can't see any reason to fight


12/6/04
Survey: File-sharing doesn't hurt most artists
...as much as sharing needles and groupies

House GOP in debate on intelligence bill
...insisting they were overcharged or underserved

Report: Iran has tried al-Qaida members
...and finds they taste like chicken

France to punish police for bungled bomb plant
...'You do not water a bomb plant, Clouseau,' snarls Chief Inspector

Supreme Court rejects Klan mask case
...on grounds that ignorance is not a defense

Wal-Mart exec Tom Coughlin to retire
...as board meeting marks down several officials for clearance

DeLay helps deliver $16.2B for NASA project
...from suspiciously well-connected lobbyists

W. House to borrow for Social Security plan
...but eldery say they can't afford to loan Bush the money

Mexico's Fox fires police chiefs after lynchings
...in effort to restore Mexico to former status as 'lawless land'

Arizona schools to get solar energy systems
...to power all six Apple 2e computers in their lab

Drug kingpin says he helped kill Escobar
...in dubious bid for office in 2008

Downtown Chicago office fire injures dozens
...following foolish hiring of Mrs. O'Leary's cow in mail room

'South Beach' creator says diet is no fad
...as Warhol's proverbial watch strikes 15 till

New exhibit explores animal-inspired fashion
...by the likes of Keith Moon, Sid Vicious, and Courtney Love

Bush replaces outspoken civil rights chair
...in flawed plan to promote free speech

Hardee's 'Monster Burger' creates uproar
...as monster rights activists protest monster exploitation


12/7/04
Hamid Karzai sworn in as Afghan president
...Related story: Hamid Karzai sworn at by Afghans

Report studies Latinos' racial identity
...Conclusion: Americans refer to them as all as Mexicans

'80s glam metal band Motley Crue reunites
...to rid Western Hemisphere of illicit drug surplus

Report: CIA paints pessimistic Iraq picture
...to be displayed in the Museum of Modern Art

T-shirt co. lets U.S. travelers 'Go Canadian'
...Lost underwear lets travelers 'Go Commando'

Putin questions viability of Iraq elections
...in effort to understand alien concept of democracy

Jury finds WTC insurers liable for two attacks
...Bush seeks to move war on terrorism to insurers

Peterson friends, family say jury erred
...Circumstantial evidence says Peterson erred

French official seethes at lost explosives
...Bomb experts explain that this is largely ineffective

U.S. students behind foreign peers in math
...so they can look over their shoulders on test days

Americans mark Pearl Harbor anniversary
...by eulogizing 'beginning of end' for Affleck's career

Foreign-made flu vaccines heading to U.S.
...to steal jobs from decent, hard-working U.S. vaccines

Discarded pipe said to cause oil spill
...after colliding with captain's head on bridge of Valdez

Automakers sue over Calif. emissions rules
...'Smog?  What smog?' reads world's briefest legal brief

Japan may be heading for economic slowdown
...as latest Pokemon movie fails to make impact in U.S.

U.S. to begin fingerprinting at Canada border
...to prevent further tragedies like Martin Short or Tom Green

Probe finds taxpayers pay too much for drugs
...from Orlando Crank on the corner of 3rd and Main


12/6/04
Survey: File-sharing doesn't hurt most artists
...as much as sharing needles and groupies

House GOP in debate on intelligence bill
...insisting they were overcharged or underserved

Report: Iran has tried al-Qaida members
...and finds they taste like chicken

France to punish police for bungled bomb plant
...'You do not water a bomb plant, Clouseau,' snarls Chief Inspector

Supreme Court rejects Klan mask case
...on grounds that ignorance is not a defense

Wal-Mart exec Tom Coughlin to retire
...as board meeting marks down several officials for clearance

DeLay helps deliver $16.2B for NASA project
...from suspiciously well-connected lobbyists

W. House to borrow for Social Security plan
...but eldery say they can't afford to loan Bush the money

Mexico's Fox fires police chiefs after lynchings
...in effort to restore Mexico to former status as 'lawless land'

Arizona schools to get solar energy systems
...to power all six Apple 2e computers in their lab

Drug kingpin says he helped kill Escobar
...in dubious bid for office in 2008

Downtown Chicago office fire injures dozens
...following foolish hiring of Mrs. O'Leary's cow in mail room

'South Beach' creator says diet is no fad
...as Warhol's proverbial watch strikes 15 till

New exhibit explores animal-inspired fashion
...by the likes of Keith Moon, Sid Vicious, and Courtney Love

Bush replaces outspoken civil rights chair
...in flawed plan to promote free speech

Hardee's 'Monster Burger' creates uproar
...as monster rights activists protest monster exploitation


12/7/04
Hamid Karzai sworn in as Afghan president
...Related story: Hamid Karzai sworn at by Afghans

Report studies Latinos' racial identity
...Conclusion: Americans refer to them as all as Mexicans

'80s glam metal band Motley Crue reunites
...to rid Western Hemisphere of surplus illicit drugs

Report: CIA paints pessimistic Iraq picture
...to be displayed in the Museum of Modern Art

T-shirt co. lets U.S. travelers 'Go Canadian'
...Lost underwear lets travelers 'Go Commando'

Putin questions viability of Iraq elections
...in effort to understand alien concept of democracy

Jury finds WTC insurers liable for two attacks
...Bush seeks to redirect war efforts to insurance front

Peterson friends, family say jury erred
...Circumstantial evidence says Peterson erred

French official seethes at lost explosives
...Bomb squad explains that this is largely ineffective

U.S. students behind foreign peers in math
...so they can look over their shoulders on test days

Americans mark Pearl Harbor anniversary
...by eulogizing 'beginning of end' for Affleck's career

Foreign-made flu vaccines heading to U.S.
...to steal jobs from decent, hard-working U.S. vaccines

Discarded pipe said to cause oil spill
...after colliding with captain's head on bridge of Valdez

Automakers sue over Calif. emissions rules
...'Smog?  What smog?' reads world's briefest legal brief

Japan may be heading for economic slowdown
...as latest Pokemon movie fails to make impact in U.S.

U.S. to begin fingerprinting at Canada border
...to prevent further tragedies like Martin Short or Tom Green

Probe finds taxpayers pay too much for drugs
...from Orlando Crank on the corner of 3rd and Main


12/8/04
Ukraine's parliament OKs electoral reforms
...including dramatic motion to start counting votes

Iraq insurgents attack U.S. troops, convoy
...Reads recycled headline for 500th straight day

Scott Peterson's mother to testify today
...in final scene of next fall's tv movie of the week

IBM selling PC unit to China's Lenovo
...Lenovo's neighbors can't wait to come over and try it out!

No motive found at burned Md. development
...due to the combustible nature of arson motives

Disgruntled troops complain to Rumsfeld
...U.N. urged to deploy peacekeepers to meeting

Iraqis may extend election amid violence
...Violence held over by popular demand for 2nd straight millenium

Bush gives $20M directly to Palestinians
...and is detained for questioning by Homeland Security authorities

U.S. says it won't budge on climate change
...Climate defiantly changes in spite of U.S. ostrich impression

Intimidation against Iraqis slows reconstruction
...as intimidators clearly prefer life among rubble

Treasury chief Snow to stay in Bush Cabinet
...Bush known to be fond of snow since late '70s

Group seeks development of National Mall
...based on thriving DC economy and pleasant locale

Chicken genome sheds light on human DNA
...in effort to track down Osama Bin Laden

U.S. GIs hit Rumsfeld with hard questions
...grenades to follow; pictures at 11

Nobel winner urges tree plantings amid dispute
...Gardeners recommend planting amid suny areas instead

White House backs Commandments displays
...and moves to outlaw coveting neighbors' desperate housewives


12/9/04
Rumsfeld: Airing concerns was healthy
...but admits being American in Iraq is definitely not

Japanese princess recovering from stress
...of attack on Tokyo by giant fire-breathing lizard

French universities to enroll Muslim leaders
...to replace striking campus commissary workers

Laptop use may damage male fertility
...if users visit porn sites 24 hours a day

Bush: No payroll tax hike for Social Security
...Read his lips; if they're moving, he's lying

Powell says he won't run for public office
...plans being made to instead take it by force

Iraqi Shi'ites launch powerful election bloc
...party which can be heard all the way to Jordan

Greek farmer finds 2,000-year-old monument
...to Dick Clark's first ever 'Rockin' New Year's Eve'

Studios juggle release dates of animated films
...in talent competition vs. plate spinners and dancing bear

Gunman kills ex-Pantera guitarist on stage
...in dellusional attempt to impress Tipper Gore

Bush, Rumsfeld try to soothe U.S. troops
...with renditions of old time gospel favorites

Coast Guard copter crashes in Alaska rescue
...Alaska said to be trapped under ice for rest of winter

ISS crew reportedly running low on food
...in shameless attempt to cash in on popularity of 'Survivor'

Clark's New Year's Eve countdown is on hold
...Crowd endlessly chants, 'Ten... Ten... Ten...'

Karzai vows to eliminate Afghan drug economy
...with impossibly steep taxes on heroine sales

Marine who went missing in Iraq charged
...his night on town to Haliburton expense account

Canadian high court OKs same-sex marriage
...between Sesame Street's longtime companions Bert and Ernie

Ford says two top executives retiring
...after 5 years and 50,000 miles and a few minor breakdowns

Mysterious tremors may portend Calif. quakes
...or the approach of a T. Rex on the prowl; Scientists unsure


12/10/04
Slow payouts leave hurricane victims in lurch
...when intoxicated gamblers visit New Orleans casinos

Japanese animation catching on in U.S.
...as incidence of austistic children increases

Iran-linked cleric leads Iraqi candidates
...Say it three times fast, challenge elocutionists

Poll: Faith for democracy in Iraq slips in U.S.
...yet conversions to Islam continue; Mr. Spock has stroke

Italian PM acquitted of corruption charges
...following donations to jury's Swiss bank account

Work permits on hold for foreign nurses
...Sign reads: Will work for permit to hold foreign nurses

Powell: Fissures with Europe being closed
...by filling them with promotional cds from AOL

Cleveland paper cites voter problems at polls
...'None of the above' was absent, voters complain

U.S. dollar gains broadly for third session
...Presently holding at 100 cents a share

NASA finds dust rings around some stars
...when observatory janitor takes xmas vacation

Rehnquist still plans to swear in Bush
...Kerry reportedly still swearing at Bush

Ford recalls 474,000 Escape SUVs
...'Car & Driver' to give special  'Most Ironic Name' award

Study finds fewer teens engaging in sex
...as broadband connections gain popularity

Moore campaigns for People's Choice award
...Doctors recommend Moore pursue Healthy Choice instead


12/12/04
Many Iraqis confused as election approaches
...due to use of Florida's leftover 'butterfly' ballots

McCain's steroids fight puts him in 2008 mix
...against Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage

Fans mark 65 years of 'Gone With the Wind'
...whereas rest of world, frankly, doesn't give a damn

Wildlife under protection after Alaska oil spill
...Oil slick said to prevent sunburn among fauna

AFI names top ten films of the year
...Critics note AFI's unexpected snub of 'Garfield the Movie'

Egypt unveils 2,500-year-old tomb, mummies
...'Been there, done that,' says aging Indiana Jones

Chile indicts Pinochet for kidnapping, murder
...Mapmakers puzzled by disappearance of Chile from globe


12/13/04
U.S. meddled in vote, Ukraine leader says
...U.S. points to own bungled election by way of defense

Republicans may target use of filibuster
...at 2004 Academy Awards ceremony

Acura RL performs best in crash tests
...by a chronically intoxicated Billy Joel

Program delays child brides' marriages
...Arkansas daycare centers expected to close

Bush monkey portrait sparks protests
...from offended simians who deny relation


12/14/04
Tom Wolfe wins 'bad sex' writing prize
...in motion for divorce filed in court last month

Group wants Marley named Jamaican hero
...in spite of business ties with mizerly Scrooge

Bombers strike Baghdad's Green Zone again
...'Wait, green means 'Go,' right?' ask confused bombers

Report says bioterror preparation is slow
...Bioterror shareholders sell on disappointing news

Tree marking underground railroad cut down
...in much delayed plan by abolitionists to widen tracks

Continental execs face Concorde probe
...as grape jelly maker investigates hotel breakfast bars

U.S. expands cargo flights over Iraq
...in effort to export much needed sand to rest of world

Military to play central role in inauguration
...Heavy casualties expected among protesters

Ex-Jane's Addiction bandmates to reunite
...to sleep with untapped generation of groupies

Greek bus with 26 on board hijacked
...on way to wedding; guest list no longer so big, fat

Jewish immigration to Israel from U.S. rising
...as immigrants seek relative safety of Middle East

Survey: Danish youth drink most in Europe
...Fench eat most Danish in Europe, those scoundrels

Kerik debacle raises questions on vetting
...For instance, why isn't 'wartime president' a vet?


12/15/04
Autopsy: Rapper O.D.B. had drug overdose
...Doctors point to the "OD" in "ODB" as first clue

Japan's celebrity robot Asimo learns to jog
...Personal trainers compete for job with 'celebrity'

Bush pledges strong-dollar policy
...by reintroducing Susan B.Anthony coins

Test of U.S. missile defense system fails
...Much of U.S. in ruins; Cheney retreats to bunker

Bush to Syria, Iran: Don't meddle in Iraq
...Iraqis to Bush: 'Uh, hello?'

U.S. ignores Cuba's Christmas warning
...and receives nothing but coal in stocking

LAPD plan to curb flashlight beatings
...by arming officers with glow-in-the-dark nightsticks

Particle pollution in U.S. falls 10% in 4 years
...thanks to ubiquitous informercials for 'miracle' air filters

Actress Liv Tyler gives birth to baby boy
...Latest Tyler immediately signed to 3 album, 4 picture deal

Iraq official calls Iran 'number one enemy'
...while ducking from gunfire from insurgent Iraqis

Yushchenko plays down separatism fears
...Says he will remain with wife for the time being

Fast-food chains cash in with heftier burgers
...Customers to 'cash in' with coronaries


12/16/04
Official: Israel to attend Mideast talks
...Talks expected to contain several four letter words

FCC declines to censor satellite radio
...allowing stations to justify the "X" in "XM"

Iceland OKs residency for Bobby Fischer
...on grounds King would be in check if he is moved

Bush orders plans for possible GPS shutdown
...so that country will lack sense of direction as well

Whitney Houston OK after rear-ending bus
...however, career was killed upon impact with Bobby Brown

Power plant to be fired by turkey droppings
...in euphemistic episode of 'The Apprentice'

Study finds married adults to be healthier
...as constant, seething anger found to burn copius calories

New space missions to focus on Neptune
...'Get your heads out of Uranus,' orders NASA chief

Coca-Cola plans to launch three new drinks
...Consumers expect to hurl three new drinks

Bush inauguration to emphasize war, sacrifice
...after previous inauguration resulted in war, sacrifice

Some states split with Bush on emissions
...Bush's emissions notorious for splitting sides

Prosecutor mocks N.Y. terrorism defendant
...in suicidal effort to cash in on own life insurance policy

Physical fitness may be affected by race
...according to new book by Jimmy "the Greek" Snyder


12/17/04
EU door finally opens for Turkey
...but can also be bribed with cranberries

Deep-fried Mars bars take Scotland by storm
...in avant garde adaptation of H.G. Wells' classic novel

Stem cells from fat used to repair skull
...Fatheads look forward to advances in therapy

Crude oil prices rise above $45 a barrel
...Crude comedians held over a barrel by FCC

Murdoch may buy NYC apt. for record $44M
...with royalties from syndicated A-Team re-runs

Missile defense system to miss deadline
...U.S. asks N. Korea to slow up nuclear program

American Express to cut 2,000 jobs
...'Don't leave home,' reads pink slip

Peterson remains 'cheerful' despite sentence
...'Hey, at least the wife can't visit,' grins convict


12/18/04
Bush ordering better ocean oversight
...'And what did we see?  We saw the sea,'  sing sailors

Cassini craft spies Saturn moon Dione
...Probe arrested on charges of invasion of privacy

Whitman warns against catering to right
...Finger sandwiches to be made available to all

Killer whales may make protected list
...Whale victims expected to protest

Bin Laden tape urges stopping oil flow to U.S.
...so infidels will have nothing to fry pork rinds in

Sinkhole swallows four-lane road in Florida
...Rosanne Barr resents being called 'sinkhole' in diet mishap


12/19/04
Palestinian refugees left without a voice
...due to irritating secondhand smoke from car bombs

Scientists try to make diamond computer chip
...in order to drive up already exhorbant computer prices

Young Chinese couples splurge on weddings
...with savings from anticipated one child families

Animal ID system concerns U.S. ranchers
...who wonder how to fingerprint hooved livestock

Short-staffed Marines struggle with toy duties
...Heavy casualties among reporters following 'short-staffed' headline

Randy Johnson megadeal grows to 10 players
...'Randy Johnson' voted best name for a 'player'

Okla. campus goes dry after student's death
...in latest Stephen King novel about gypsy curses

Republicans hesitant to push Rumsfeld out
...SWAT team being organized to do it instead


12/20/04
Poll: Half of Americans worry about debts
...Statistics: Half of Americans stupider than average

Austria denies plot to kill N. Korea leader's son
...N. Korea denies role in Archduke Ferdinand assassination

Bush defends Rumsfeld as criticism mounts
...Pundits note irony in defense of Secretary of Defense

Ozone hole recedes, but danger lingers
...Trump to finance huge comb-over to save planet

Group says Russia now at 'not free' status
...as patrons will be required to purchase tickets to enter

Polish special forces end Iraq mission
...amid jokes equating the words "Polish" and "special"


12/21/04
Rwanda recovers stolen baby mountain gorilla
...Line of 'stolen baby mountain gorilla' toys announced

Board game lets players run marijuana farm
...so hippies will find use for seeds at the bottom of dime bags

EU may restore trade sanctions on U.S.
...until rampant WMD program is halted by President

Lottery winner's granddaughter found dead
...What were the odds?, ask statisticians

Gaza protesters don Nazi-era badges
...in effort to make People magazine's 'Worst Dressed List'

Judge nixes guilty plea in AOL spam case
...says he wants opportunity to email verdict repeatedly

Two top execs at Fannie Mae forced out
...and told not to let the front door hit them on the Fannie

Space station may be visible over holidays
...due to Chrismas decorating overkill this year

Report: Bush made gains with Hispanic men
...through use of Spanish Fly at cocktail parties

Hurricane, suits shake insurance industry
...Earthquakes shake everything else

Texas still leads nation in executions in 2004
...However, other exports not as strong, say economists

Musicologist gets $1.5M to study opera
...so the rest of the world won't have to listen


12/22/04
Blair calls for conference in Mideast
...Blair dubbed 'worst conference planner in history'

Iowa bovines enjoy beer-spiked feed
...since the sheep refuse to put out for farmers

Patients, doctors agonize over painkillers
...in single worst attempt at humorous headline

Martha Stewart calls for sentencing reform
...Says she needs another 12-18 months to decorate cell

American pop artist Tom Wesselmann dies
...'Pop goes Tom Wesselmann,' reads irreverant obituary

Sudafed acts to curb meth production
...in addition to plain old sinus congenstion

Saudis recall Libya ambassador over plot
...Ambassador to be burried in unmarked plot

Winter weather packs punch in Midwest
...Fight called due to hitting below the Bible Belt


12/23/04
Britney Spears named 'top star' of 2004
...Astronomers lament unjustified snub of Polaris

U.S. re-examines security at Iraq bases
...Investigators identify problem: "Location, location, location."

Jerusalem Christmas party offers rare unity
...where Jews and Muslims can attack another religion

Wall Street finishes holiday week on high
...as cocaine sees resurgence of  '80s level popularity

Arizona illegal immigrant measure upheld
...'You must be this tall to enter' reads border crossing

Professional Santas find job more demanding
...in wake of frivolous malpractice suits

Judge: O'Neal can return for Pistons rematch
...with fans in the aptly named 'nosebleed' seats

No security changes after Iraq base attack
...Correction: No sense of security after Iraq base attack

California firm sells cloned cat for $50,000
...PETA fears proliferation of copy cats


12/24/04
GOP may challenge Wash. governor recount
...'Get over it,' say Democrats noting turnabout is fair play

Afghan Cabinet, minus warlords, sworn in
...ACLU protests blatant disenfranchisment of warlords

Last-minute holiday shoppers hit malls
...Malls expected to file charges following assault

U.S. doctors lack whistleblower protection
...Experts suggest earplugs to sensitive physicians

Alzheimer's cure within scientists' reach
...It was on the tip of my tongue, says forgetful scientist

'Spiderman' to scale world's tallest building
...Superman leaps over it in single bound in display of one-upmanship


12/25/04
Calif. Catholic order to settle suits for $6.3M
...Priests still overpaying for plain suits with silly collars

Japan scientists find gay penguins in captivity
...fundamentalists find gay Teletubbies in paranoid delusions

Millions celebrate Christmas across globe
...Reporters grasp for headlines on slow news day

Ghost firms hinder U.N. oil-for-food probe
...according to paranormal expert Dr. Egon Spengler

Cassini probe makes its way to Saturn moon
...Democrats only travel to Canada to escape Bush

Judge creates election twist in Ukraine
...by revealing that Yushchenko is Yanukovych's father

South Texas gets rare white Christmas
...thanks to sweeping effort by border patrol this year

France widens bin Laden finance probe
...as Riveria wonders how he can afford luxurious cave

Celebrities recall favorite holiday traditions
...around the tree at the Betty Ford Center


12/26/04
Ukraine holds presidential vote a 3rd time
...in unprecidented "best two of three" political contest

Pakistan releases jailed U.S. actor Aude
...in exchange for promise of "Dude, Where's My Car?" sequel

New battery may power digital devices
...whereas old batteries should simply be disposed of

US Airways vows to reunite people, luggage
...Hallmark Hall of Fame rushes to buy TV movie rights

Supercomputer to simulate nuke explosion
...Schwarzenegger to time travel to prevent Judgment Day

US Airways delivers bags after 'meltdown'
...Whitney Houston smokes 'dime bag' after meltdown

or...

US Airways delivers bags after 'meltdown'
...Meltdown leaves Mariah Carey with emotional baggage

Some fear virus threat to cell phones
...Doctors recommend callers talk with hand over mouth

Study links chocolate, sexual fulfillment
...when candy is molded into obscene shapes

Unemployment a top concern of Arab youths
...Close second: Not being blown up by neighbors


12/27/04
Comedian George Carlin enters drug rehab
...in search of new material from pals Cheech and Chong

Oscar ballots mailed as deadline looms
...Ohio to be battleground for Best Picture contenders

Gay marriage amendment not coming soon
...due to continued popularity of "Will & Grace"

Liza Minnelli in N.Y. hospital after fall
...from stardom to reality show reject

Asia considers disaster-warning system
...but rejects idea on basis of surplus population

Religious affiliation may lower suicide risk
...Notable exception: UFO cults



12/28/04
Denver Nuggets fire coach Jeff Bzdelik
...for violation of three consonants in a row rule

Archaeologists discover Stone Age stores
...were driven to extinction by early Wal-Mart

US Airways appeals to employees for help
...'That's your job, after all,' explain bosses

NASA takes major step in return to space
...in overdue effort to justify the 'S' in NASA

Lawsuit charges Motrin can harm children
...So can mothers with PMS, say drugmakers



12/29/04
Companies search for staff lost in disaster
...under assumption Moses was responsible for wall of water

'Law & Order' star Jerry Orbach dies at 69
...Star's killer to be arrested and tried in dramatic season finale

Bush criticizes U.N. comment on 'stingy' aid
...'Like we have any money since I gave all the tax cuts!'

Wis. hunter slaying suspect pleads not guilty
...as defense enters hunting license as Exhibit A

Scientists: Asteroid won't hit Earth in 2029
...so you still have to make good on resolution to quit smoking

Protesters pressure Yanukovych to concede
...that his name is just too darned hard to spell

Experts: Mediterranean faces tsunami risk
...Optometrists: alledged experts have 20/20 hindsight

U.S. to reopen borders to Canadian cattle
...U.S. borders semi-permeable to Mexican chattel

Dick Clark to ring in 2005 from hospital bed
...plans made for Clark to ring in 2006 from death bed


12/30/04
Oracle says it has control of PeopleSoft
...Microsoft knows it has control of people

Study: 1 in 5 young people drink and drive
...due to their dentists' refusal to recommend Trident

Jackson case to call 4,000 potential jurors
...in futile attempt to find 'peers' of single-gloved chimp owner

Brain shows changes after romantic breakups
...possibly due to drinking onesself into a stupor

Schools replace milk cartons with bottles
...to give unarmed kids a fighting chance against bullies

Poker champ Greg Raymer fights off robbers
...with four spades, a club, and a serious bluff

Religious leaders strive to explain tsunami
...Meanwhile, scores of astrologers file Chapter 11

LeBron James fractures bone in his face
...in sttempt to understand how his name became inverted

Scuba divers survive tsunami underwater
...Scuba divers just plain survive underwater, says Mr. Obvious

Canada finds suspected mad cow case
...hosting the short-lived Martin Short Show


12/31/04
Argentina club fire kills at least 174
...Great White to be banned from touring abroad

Fishing communities devastated by tsunamis
...since the fish are delivered right to doorsteps by wave

U.S. memo broadens definition of torture
...to include forced viewings of "Mamma's Family" re-runs

Expert offers hangover prevention tips
...Top of list: Drink yourself into a coma

Transplant surgery restores man's tears
...due to incompetence of anesthesiologist


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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