The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

Bush victory stirs mixed reactions in Mideast
...Better the pork rind eating devil you know, say ragheads

Clinton, Edwards, Frist eye 2008 presidency
...Related Story: Wal-mart sets out Xmas decorations

Iran marks anniversary of embassy seizure
...Currently taking anti-seizure drugs, condition greatly improved

W. House calls for debt ceiling to be raised
...and Oval Office to be repainted, carpet cleaned

Conservatives cheer gay marriage bans
...Now all gays will go to hell for premarital sodomy, Falwell schemes

More web surfers ditch Internet Explorer Norton updates increasingly report it to be a virus

Ohio to keep counting provisional ballots
...They can't fucking believe Bush won either

Murkowski wins father's Alaska Senate seat
...Siblings outraged, seek injunction to salvage rest of dinette set

Elton John to marry longtime companion
...Baby, you're the One, coos Elton... Wedding guests groan

World leaders react cautiously to Bush win
...Will it stick this time?, world quietly wonders

Army sends U.S. deserter Jenkins to prison
...Better in the can than Iran, better to be locked up than shot up!

Canada warns unhappy Dems on immigration Dubya turns on showers and fires the ovens

Feuding R. Kelly, Jay-Z top albums chart
...This is news? ask readers

Exit polls come under post-election criticism
...Related story: 51% of Americans come under post-election criticism

Two Colorado brothers headed for Congress
...reads new Kevin Smith screenplay

Iraqis ignore U.S. vote amid bloodshed
...Like we fucking have CNN, exclaim camel jockeys

Bin Laden accuses Bush of Iraq quagmire
...First televised debate to air 7PM EST

55.1 million watch election coverage Tuesday
...Nation mourns insipid fall line-up, reluctantly turns to politics as distraction

Ex-NFLer held in Siegfried & Roy drive-by
...David Lynch to direct tv movie of events already in progress

Officials: Arafat suffers medical setback
..."They only accept Blue Cross. Do I look like a Christian?!"

Europe allies extend olive branch to Bush
...Bush tries to eat it; Europe swats him

Dallas elects first Hispanic lesbian sheriff
...Gay marriage bans eat lead salad, says The terMarica

Shock therapy eases depression symptoms
...says reporter revived from suspended animation experiment

Arafat has repeatedly lost consciousness
..."It's like Reagan all over again," say political observers

Would-be candidates preparing for 2008 an effort to count their chickens while the henhouse burns

Texas death row inmate hangs himself
...Further inovative cost-cutting techniques may futher stimulate the economy

TV's 'Blind Date' helps nab wanted criminal
...Wedding to be held this July; Jesse Jackson to preside

U.S. jets target insurgents in Fallujah
...and anyone else in a 500 yard radius

Deliberations begin in Peterson trial
...meanwhile OJ continues search for "real" killer

U.K. says U.S. attack on Iran 'inconceivable'
...if you happened to have been in a coma for the last four years

Jobless claims dip, productivity slows
...We used to have a surplus, now nobody knows

Two guilty in first felony spam conviction
...sentenced to suffocation in my crowded inbox

Naked man hides in plane wheel well
...effectively redefining the "high" requirement of the "Mile High Club"

Bush outlines agenda for second term
...First item: Nearly choke on new snack foods while watching football

Aides: John Ashcroft likely to leave AG post
...His vocal secularism and liberal record are a liability to Bush

Italy reaffirms troops commitment to Iraq
..."I made 'em an offer they couldn't refuse," gleams Bush

Washington, D.C., train crash injures 20
...Washington, D.C. bombs Arabs daily; nobody cares

Jackson lawyers seek removal of prosecutor
..."If the Gloved One can't get a hit, the prosecutor must quit"

Bush vows to use 'political capital' from vote
...Nothing else to spend thanks to Project: Fuzzy Math

Arafat fighting for his life in Paris hospital Die Hard: With a French-Nurse

Computer may have lost 4,500 N.C. votes
...Related story: Electoral college may have lost millions of votes

European press mixed on Bush re-election
...Some say sequel could be better, others predict a Caddyshack II

Firm creates disc that stores data on corn
...That Porn data stored on disc creates firm

Report: GIs watched looting of Iraq explosives
..."What, you wanted us to tackle Arabs with explosives?!" exclaim GIs

Stung Democrats asking 'hard questions'
..."What's this idiot got that we don't?"

2005 stamps to feature Muppets, Reagan
...and other famous puppets

Eminem, Snoop CDs pushed up due to piracy
...Oh, it's not funny when someone else "samples" *your* shit, huh?

Bush pledges to make changes to tax code
...Cuts rates for the rich, cuts jobs everywhere else.

Aid group Doctors Without Borders quits Iraq
...and suggests the country be euthanized

Cabinet changes likely in Bush's second term
..."We're also painting the Oval Office," gleems Bush

Fewer foreign graduate students enroll in U.S.
...they explain, "Who wants to live in a country the President claims is at war?"

Study shows obesity raises airline fuel costs
...They just won't drink the diet fuel, explain stewardesses

Countdown begins to elections in Iraq
...Catherine Harris called to active duty in region

Israel OKs Arafat Gaza burial, not Jerusalem
...Arafat revives from coma, exclaims, "I'm not even dead yet!"

Putin signs bill to ratify Kyoto climate pact
...Bush remains defiant, cites Sadam Hussein as inspiration

'Secularism' in Europe bothers the Vatican
...'Secularism and the Vatican City' to debut on HBO in fall

Colo. students occupy library to protest Bush
...If Bush occupied library some as student, there would be no need for protests

Tuskegee Airmen celebrate 60th anniversary
...before being deployed to Middle East in "black door draft

U.S. envoy warns of post-Arafat power struggle
...decades of peace may soon end for idyllic region

U.N. says traces of plutonium found in Egypt
...Pyramids were ancient nuclear reactors, reports Weekly World News

Publishers change definition of marriage
...Bush vows to fight "activist publishers"

Merck disputes medical report on Vioxx
...ask your stockholders if denial is right for you

NASA Mars rover gets mystery power boost
...Christian right claims responsibility

Sudan rejects 'one-sided' Darfur deal
...wants joint custody *and* the car.

Machine error gives Bush extra Ohio votes
...Related story: Political machine "error" gives Bush extra Florida votes

Israel balks at Arafat burial in Jerusalem
...Israel and Arafat balk at virgin birth in Jerusalem

Christians see court appointments as top aim
...Whatever happened to doing charity and reading your BuyBull?

Group finds voting irregularities in South
..."They voted for the retard," say political scientists

Maker of 'Dessert' sues Jessica Simpson
...Simpson is in bad taste, says rest of planet

U.S. may test smart bombs in Australia
...Related story: Bin Laden spotted in Australia

Calif. prison officials plan new death row
...Old one to be demonished with inmates inside as cost-cutting measure

Comatose Arafat hovers between life, death
...As do we all, explains noted philosopher Mr. Obvious

Bombings raise war fears in Ivory Coast
..."The explosions were our first clue," explain residents

Speculation swirls around attorney general job
...Can they pick a bigger nut that Ashcroft was?

IBM supercomputer resets performance record
..."We hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete," explains 53 year old virgin

Architect sues Trump over casino design
...Related story: Hairdresser sues Trump over hair design.  "Ugh!" reads filed complaint.

Microsoft to warn all users of security flaws
...Press release says, "First of all, you bought Windows..."

Report sees population of 9 billion by 2300
...Report sees universal health care by end of next ice age

Wendy's fires its 'unoffical spokesperson'
...Unemployment benefits revoked unofficially

Speculation swirls around attorney general job
...Lawyers object.  "Speculative," they petition the judge

Ex-envoys: Arafat passing may help peace
...but where to bury the "hatchet" remains a tense subject

Man sentenced for stealing cancer patient ID
...flees to Mexico and gets drugs cheap and hassle-free

Scientist says tiny human not a new species's just that crazy Mini-Me.

Armstrong may skip next Tour de France
..."Where's the challenge in beating the French?" wonders American

New Congress to look more like population
...over-weight and under-educated

Army reservist wins fight against Iraq call-up
...Iraq fined for ignoring "Do Not Call List."

Nanotechnology may change energy industry a pile of grey goo along with rest of world, shreik Luddites

'The Late Late Show' seeking new host
...Supreme Court steps in once again to decide

Bush: Americans expect bipartisanship
...and a unified Church and State

China seeks to avoid Iran nuclear issue
...North Korea seeks to avoid U.S. nuclear missle

Bush vows to reach out to Democrats
...and touch them inappropriately

Saudi religious scholars support holy war
..."Religious scholars" is an oxymoron, explains civilized world

Presidential second terms can be minefields
...Iraq minefields can be presidential quagmire

Mobs attack French targets in Ivory Coast
..."No more existentialist cinema," cry radicals

Rove: Specter vows fairness for nominees
...Justices can then do as they please once appointed

Ground zero suicide inspired by election
...First event inspired by Bush in entire term

Wal-Mart near Mexico shrine is jeered, lauded
...Golden Calf is only gold plated, say bargain shoppers

Ono combs the vaults for new Lennon CDs
...Related story: Scientists extract blood from turnip

Aide says Bush to seek gay-marriage ban
...since he's balanced the budget and defeated all the terrorists

Iran says preliminary nuclear deal reached
..."We promise not to blow ourselves up so long as no one else does."

Gulf War vet sues Army over new call-up
..."They just kept breathing into the phone and scaring my wife!"

Radcliffe wins NYC Marathon in closest finish
...knows how Bush feels, but hates him anyway

Kerry's votes key to Bush win, Rove says
...Bush votes key to Bush win, explain frustrated civics teachers

France deploys major force in Ivory Coast
...World wonders how two chefs and a maître d' constitute a "major force"

'The Incredibles' soar to $70M at box office
...Co-stars say Sarah Vowell was a diva on the set

Poll: Voters relieved by decisive election
...Meanwhile, indecisive election polls reviled by voters

Bush may come up with 2nd-term surprises brandishing a MENSA membership card

Irish bookmaker takes bets on next pontiff
...Odds are overwhelmingly in favor of the Catholic candidates

Stocking helps weak hearts pump blood
...says MacGuyver before turning a gum wrapper and paper clip into an EKG machine

Radio host apologizes over racial slur he would take back what he said, but doesn't want to be an Indian giver

Arafat's wife lashes out at officials
...Related story: Officials act as surrogate cuckolds for Arafat's wife

Bin Laden's ex-driver seeks delay in trial
...Prosecutors took wrong turn, stuck in traffic, driver claims

Quake rocks northern Japan; eight hurt
...Quake fan club declares Japanese tour a success

Ivory Coast loyalists confront French troops
...who are shocked by the concept of loyalty

CIA working with FBI inside United States
...Bush declares progress; "Ummm, no," say civil libertarians

FAA OKs tasers on commercial flights
...but you still can't use your cell phone because *that* wouldn't be safe

Evolution case opens in Georgia court
...State found not guilty of evolving by reason of stupidity

Police: Fla. cabbie kills unruly passenger
...Don't ever make fun of my accent, curses Bin Laden's former driver

AP poll: Stable Iraq tops voter priorities
...Stable U.S. is "no big deal," say short-sighted Americans

More women in prison than ever before
...Psychologists cite late-night Showtime lesbian prison movies as influence

Remote control could save soldiers' lives
...Just stay home and watch tv, explain doctors in latest issue of JAMA

Some foresters want 'green' certification
...Others want paisley.  Bush promotes brown shirts.

Postwar Vietnam still not drinking milk
..."Got milk?  We ain't got a Pol Pot to piss in," explain poor bastards

Rumsfeld: Fallujah siege won't kill many Iraqis efforts will have to be intensified

Palestinians to see Arafat despite wife's fury
...You know that time the Nazis opened the Ark?  Like that, but worse.

U.N. team to probe Sudan genocide reports
...find WMD responsible!  No comment from Sean Penn

Kovalev, Jagr join Russian hockey teams
..."Who?" world asks collectively.

Rumsfeld hasn't discussed job with Bush
...Both said to be operating unilaterally, same as always

Judge urges Peterson jury to keep open mind
...and eyes in the backs of their heads around the defendant

Gold medalist Phelps faces DWI charges
...for using "performance-enhancing" gin and tonic

Drug duo cuts heart failure rate in blacks
...Cheech and Chong awarded Nobel Prize in Physiology & Medicine

Sadr, Sunnis urge Iraqi forces to refuse fight
...Bookies taking bets anyway, Don King to promote

Kevorkian asks Mich. governor for release
...from this mortal coil, former doctor over-dramatizes

CBS wants Jackson indecency fine dropped
...Jackson just wanted her fine top dropped indecently

Rural China clashes highlight ethnic divisions
...apparently *they* don't think they all look alike!

Costly, life-like animation featured in new film
...intended to make Tom Cruise appear human

Hearing ordered for bin Laden's driver
...Vision ordered for sightless

Judge lectures jury in Peterson trial
...and grounds them without possibility of parole

Secret cult in Chile breaks 43-year spell beat the Yankees in World Series

Kobe Bryant accuser may move trial to Calif.
...In search of better deals to option her story

Thanksgiving-flavored sodas return to stores sales of Pepto Bismol surge

Rumsfeld: Fallujah civilians were warned
..."Hello! You live in the Middle East!"

Two hostages in Afghanistan call home
...Families won't accept collect calls, hang up

Sen. Specter pushes for judiciary chair
...says he's not sitting at "kiddie table" this Thanksgiving

Mozilla launches free Firefox web browser
..."Error: Program failed to Lauch," says Windows XP

Sudan, rebels to sign partial peace pact
...Pact reportedly titled "Piece of Peace"

Court: Drunk driving not a deportable offense
..."But what if you're crossing a border at the time?" debate legal scholars

Jeb Bush says not eyeing presidential run
...George W. Bush says not buying presidential run

U.K. airport scanner sees through clothes
...U.K. airport flooded with applications for employment

Bush visits with wounded soldiers
...Soldiers decry "insult on top of injury."

Judge removes juror in Laci Peterson case
...Leaves on boat trip, never returns. Hmmm....

Postal Service unveils Ronald Reagan stamp
...Won't stick to anything from Iran or going to the Contras

Nicky Hilton ends marriage to Todd Meister
...leaving J. Lo and Britney tied for lead in celebrity train wreck we can't turn away from

Ashcroft, Evans resign from Bush Cabinet
...on grounds they have been sifled by "stupid Bill of Rights"

Race underway for parties' top slots
...Tara Reid leads race as top partier

Convicted spammer's bail set at $1 million
...will have to sell 100,000 bottles of penis enlargement pills for bond

Supernova possibly impacted human evolution
...Meteor definitely impacted dinosaur evolution

Renee Zellweger plans break from acting
...I just don't have time to eat, explains waif

Islamic school set ablaze in Netherlands
...where people will do anything to keep warm

Women wrongly warned abortion, cancer tied
...Winner to move to semi-finals to challenge heart disease and genital warts

D.C. delays vote on new Expos ballpark
...Congress to go into extra innings

White House wants suicide law blocked
...threatens to kill cancer patients if no action is taken

Microsoft to preview new search engine
...Searches for holes in users' wallets, funnels funds through holes in IE

Student finds new species of amphibian messy dorm room; area declared Superfund site

Champion Irish horse fails second dope test
...Claims his trainer gave it to him without his knowledge

FTC sues firms for false weight-loss claims
...Diet gurus enter Anna Nicole Smith into evidence

Weak economy hurts Iraq more than violence
...Reads report by right-wing group People Who Have No Fuckng Soul

White House avenue reopens to pedestrians
...provided they can get over the razor wire and avoid the mines

Lipitor may aid memory in Alzheimer's
...if only patients remembered to take it!

Nathan Lane joins London cast of 'Producers'
...where he looks almost straight by comparision

Kerry criticized for not courting women's vote
...Clinton criticized for courting women; Dems can't win

Online education making schools nervous
...Education makes Republicans nervous

Brad Pitt visits Ethiopia to study AIDS
..."He didn't have to travel that far!" exclaim west Hollywood residents

Sources say Gonzales to succeed Ashcroft recreating federal version of Spanish Inquisition

Bush wants line-item veto to be revived
...Arafat, on the other hand, can drop dead

Court upholds Beastie Boys' music sampling
...but orders them to learn to play instruments

Tennessee ends expanded Medicaid program
...will no longer cover studpidity-related injuries or illness

Courtney Love pleads not guilty to assault
...on grounds she doesn't remember anything

Israel approves West Bank burial for Arafat
...Dead or alive is fine, says Sharon

U.S. pressured Halliburton in Kuwaiti deal
...Related story: U.S. pressured Iraq in Halliburton deal

Group seeks union election spending probe
...Union officials contend Confederacy is comprised of dunces

Study questions extinction of giant moa bird
...Peterson being questioned in connection with case

Removing life support ruled out for Arafat
...however, medical benefits may be cancelled

Expert: Al-Qaida 'to disintegrate' in two years
...Everyone should stand back until then

Ohio still counting provisional ballots
...and the band played on

MLB considers allowing instant replay
...because the game isn't slow enough already

Experts: Iraq war little problem for Al Qaida
...Economy little problem for Dubya

Antidepressant seems to help smokers quit
..."Awww, who really cares,"despond depressed individuals

Palestinian speaker Fattouh to be sworn in
...Americans to be sworn at

Falwell plans for 'evangelical revolution'
...issues fatwa for jihad; Klansmen mount horses

Election gives American English new phrases
...that usually aren't uttered in mixed company

Russia parliament rejects beer measure
...Suds don't count; fill my fucking glass, say Communist Party Animals

Reebok unveils high-tech sneaker Pump 2.0
...Analysts announce vulnerabilities; predict shoe will require a "patch."

Canada warns it cannot be drugstore to U.S.
...Walmart will put country out of business

Liza Minnelli accused of sexual harassment
...Media notes unprecidented appearance of "Liza Minnelli" and "sexual" in same headline

Clinton says Arafat missed chance for peace
...of ass when he declined trip to Vegas with former president

Nader calls for recounts in several states
...insists he must have gotten at least a couple votes somewhere

Gonzales nomination may signal shift in style
...from fascist to Stalinist regime

Milosevic wants Clinton to testify by Christmas
...or he won't be invited to his New Years Eve party!

Veterans Day owes debt to Kansas town
...Groundhog's Day owes debt to Bill Murray

'Scientific American' names top tech leaders
...'Scientific American' name's an oxymoron, point out techies

Japan's military tracks mystery submarine
...on a Magical Tour to Abbey Road

Shot shows promise as male contraceptive studies indicate the sight of a needle kills erections

Blockbuster offers $700M for rival chain as to pay off late fees

Hugh Grant signals end to acting career prostitutes despair loss of lucrative John

Flights to U.S. may get more security checks
...Under privatization, social security checks bounce and take flight

World War II veteran killed in Mass. parade
...Apparently shocked at sight of Gay Pride demonstration

Michael Moore plans 'Fahrenheit' sequel
...promises Fahrenheit 9/12 will have more explosions

Olson predicts firestorm for next justice Molotov cocktails crash through windows

Model Claudia Schiffer gives birth to daughter
...Calvin Klein to feature younger in controversial ad campaign

Blair, Bush consult on peace in Mideast
...Consultants use Big Foot, Loch Ness Monster analogies

Uganda heads list of forgotten tragedies
...experts believe there were others, but can't recall what they were

Gene shields some from mad cow disease
...Autry and Roy Rogers save the West again!

Microsoft search has some first day glitches
...only infects PCs, thankfully!

World leaders mourn Arafat at funeral
..."If only we had gotten rid of him sooner," mourners mourn

CBS sorry for preempting show with Arafat
...Next week: CSI investigates Arafat's death

U.S. troops push deeper into Fallujah
...Wives worry soldiers will bring home STDs

Alleged Zarqawi tape spurs Fallujah rebels rave until dawn, neighbors complain

NASA Mars rover Opportunity to leave crater
...left by crash of previous failed missions

Bush vows 2nd-term push for Palestinian state
...where Kerry still leads in the polls; crucial electoral votes hang in balance

L.A. suburb Gardena faces financial collapse
...when files Chapter 11

Artist sues Rush Limbaugh over illustrations
...of himself naked.  "Many-sided View of Republican" deemed obscene.

Dutch to withdraw troops from Iraq in March
...after finding wooden shoes inappropriate for desert terrain

Pope decries 'grave crisis' of modern values
...when price of 'Indulgences' decines against the dollar

Self-destructing DVDs to reach more people
...Unabomber questioned in connection

WHO: Flu vaccine available within year
...Related story: Flu epidemic due within six months

'9/ll Commission Report' moves closer to TV
...Fox and Mulder to discover the truth in lead roles

U.S. says troops now occupy Fallujah
...Neighbors complain as long-term lease signed

Cheney leaves hospital after tests
...frustrated that he flunked them all

Jailed Palestinian to run for president
...He's doing it backwards, scoff political observers

U.S. military to build global wireless network
...out of thin air!

Atlantis hunt reveals structures off Cyprus
...Real estate market has sunk, say scientists

Rapper O.D.B. collapses, dies in studio
...Comedians enjoy wordplay on OD with deceased Bastard

More than 100 journalists killed this year
..."A good start," says Bush

Popeye the Sailor Man celebrates 75th year
...prepares for deployment to Persian Gulf

France said to lose touch with kidnappers
...after using too many esoteric literary references

TV ads back Schwarzenegger for president
...though intended to promote Last Action Hero on DVD

Anti-obesity pill might fight drug abuse luring crack heads to gyms

Abbas escapes Gaza shooting unharmed
...Speculation abounds around Mid East reunion tour for Swedish supergroup

Specter's judiciary panel post on the line
...No one wants to take the call

Secondhand smoke key issue in U.S. trial jurors protest judge's ever-present cigar

Founder of Titanic fears for future of wreck
...It may be unsalvagable, warns crackpot

Usher wins 4 AMA honors; OutKast takes 3
...Nader demands recount; P. Diddy plans 2008 campaign

African leaders support arms embargo
...but legs are okay, say talking heads

New border security technology faces test
...and fails thanks to flawed public education system

Most car seats perform poorly in whiplash test
...PETA says whiplash test is cruel and unnecessary to car seats

U.S. researcher claims discovery of Atlantis
...while testing effects of experimental psychotropics on himself

Strong earthquake strikes western Colombia
...Cocaine futures tumble as Wall Street opens for business

Hanks expected to star in 'Da Vinci Code'
...Obscure novel receives much-needed publicity

Afghan militants reject ransom for hostages
...No personal checks, explain future convenience store clerks

Israel willing to coordinate Gaza pullout
...Next time Israel will just wear a condom

Job prospects bright for college seniors
...whose father is the president

Fighting across Iraq kills more than 50
...Study finds journalists lack ability to count above 50

High court overturns Texas death sentence
...Activist judges attempt to raise the dead

NASA delays flight of hypersonic jet
...takes longer to reach destination than Greyhound

Teens with same-sex parents well-adjusted track lighting, Bravo, and showtunes sung by Bette Midler

Low-fat diets better for keeping weight off
...say reporters on slow news day

Reid poised to be Senate Democratic leader
..."Good luck, Tara" wishes oblivious Carson Daily

Model train maker Lionel files for bankruptcy
...just like real train companies!

The Who plan first studio album in 20 years
..."Who?" ask music lovers

Serbia, Croatia look toward joint future in EU
...Marijuana Party's hopes for "joint future" squelched in 2004 election

More college students studying abroad
...Other students prefer to study a fox or a dame

ODB relatives prepare for battle over estate
...Neighbors brace for anticipated drive-bys

Marines back comrade in shooting of Iraqi
...after being brainwashed to jump on a grenade

Teen pleads guilty to role in Madrid bombing
...Afflect pleads guilty to role in Gigli bombing

Drugs may not protect against cat allergies
...however, killing your cat probably will

Author: Bush and Blair are mangling English
...never mind what they're doing to Iraqis

Aides: Specter makes headway in bid for chair
...while wasting time on eBay instead of working

Scott Peterson likely planning appeal
...He's pretty good at planning, say trial observers

Lack of sleep may lead to excess weight
...if one were to spend every waking moment at McDonalds

Disney moving forward with 'Toy Story 3' effort to have the rest of the money in the world

Shooting of Iraqi in mosque angers Muslims
...It is customary to use a silencer during prayer services, explains cleric

Arafat may have stashed millions in PLO funds
...which are the polar opposite of tech stocks, say anthropologists

Poll: Clinton, Giuliani early favorites for 2008
...These two are no one's favorites, decry Citizens for Common Sense

Europe's first moon mission called a success
...As French nationals drop pants and bend over outside White House

Europe remembers Rice's 'punish France' quip
...and hires her for France's bachelor party

Microsoft cracking down on Xbox modification
...while simultaneously promoting patches for faulty Windows

PETA launches 'Fish Empathy Project'
...loses last shreds of credbility

Janitor leaves university $2.3M windfall
...from change collected beneath vending machine

Clinton library set for Thursday opening
...Clinton hopes to visit librarian's opening

FDA says abortion pill safe enough for sale
...Bush is "unsafe" and "a pill," says FDA

Keanu Reeves to star in new Spike Lee film
...The seventh sign of the apocalypse is upon us, warn biblical scholars

Russia developing new nuclear missile effort to devistate economy once again

Biologist seeks return of wolves to Rockies
...Kidnappers' ransom note demands $5 million and three little pigs

Eisner: Ovitz irritated other top Disney staff
...with his ridiculous "Goofy" impression during board meetings

Iraqi PM 'very concerned' over shooting
...Iraqi soldier reportedly 'very dead' over shooting

Clinton's presidential library unveils exhibits
...Clinton again revealed as exhibitionist

Study finds ozone pollution raises death risk
...Congress moves to deplete dangerous ozone layer by 2008

Allawi 'very concerned' over shooting of Iraqi
...Iraqi reported unconcerned about being shot dead

Kmart-Sears merger worries suppliers
...who might have to shop at Wal-mart

PLO chief vows crackdown on armed chaos
...after millenia of inaction

Iraqi man's slaying dominates Arab media
...since "Friends" was taken off the air

Palestinian inquiry probes Arafat's death
...on grounds that he always looked so healthy

Scientists say running shaped early humans
...and might help you with your gut too if you tried it!

Actor Vincent D'Onofrio back in hospital
...Transition to big screen was unsuccessful, anti-reject therapies underway

Catholic bishops launch marriage initiative
...Bishops reject marriage, prefer polyamorous relationship with altar boys

More than 100,000 children in foster care
...authorities report Mia Farrow's home too small to take any more

Melting glaciers said threatening Everest
...contend Everest's lawyers, file for restraining order

Disney relaunches Muppets on web site
...Millions of visitors flock to

Clinton Library exhibits include scandals
...Clinton notorious for scandalous exhibitions

Czechs mark 15th anniversary of uprising
...Related story: Viagra first tested on Czechs 15 years ago

Microsoft accused of destroying e-mails
...when computers crash before users can hit "send"

Fire pit dated to be over 50,000 years old
...Home owner's association sends letter that property must be cleaned up

Two girls accused of serving poisoned cake
...Martha's parole expected to be denied following culinary gang violence

Iran is pursuing nuclear bomb, Powell says
...Recommends we send one to them on the head of an ICBM

House debates $800 billion debt limit hike
...Visa revokes gold cards of Representatives

Pizza drivers seek to form national union
...Teamsters say pizza now delivered in 48 hours or less

Peterson seeks new jury for penalty phase
...Trial observers believe he's "dead in the water"

Ancient animal could be human-ape ancestor
...Michael Jackson offers $5 million for skeleton

Howard Stern promotes switch to satellite
...says he's tired of listening to the drivel on his station

Bush crafting Cabinet out of his inner circle
...Supporters commend Texan's wood-working abilities

Scott Peterson trial cost nearly $2.5 million
...making this the highest profits to costs ratio in history of Court TV

Donovan named U.S. soccer player of the year remarkable comeback for '60s-era 'Sunshine Superman'

Former presidents pay tribute to Clinton
...with lavish party at Vegas strip club

Militants threaten to sabotage Iraq elections
...after successful efforts in US during November

CIA plans riskier, more aggressive espionage plan to improve ratings against Jennifer Garner's "Alias"

Cause of Arafat's death may soon be revealed a public who could care less

Melting glaciers threaten world water supply
...Bush administration says environmentalists are 'all wet'

Clinton unveils his 'gift to the future'
...Lewinski, Jones, and Flowers indicate it's nothing impressive

Sinn Fein: 1974 pub bombings were wrong
...'We meant to hit the barber shop across the street,' say drunk Micks

Birth control pills may cut knee injury risk reducing number of blowjobs wives give each month

Robin Williams to get honorary Golden Globe special "Best Back Hair" category

Colin Firth interested in playing James Bond spite of general disinterest in Colin Firth playing James Bond

Study: More U.S. women choosing C-sections scarring and other body modifications gain popularity

Raimi unveils plans for 'Evil Dead' remake
...following the box office failure of "Spiderman 2"

Diplomats: Iran is readying nuclear processes
...placing the country 10 years ahead of US technology

Dollar at multiyear lows on Greenspan remarks
...Friends say Alan's remarks left Bill feeling blue

Chechen arrested in slaying of Forbes editor
...Failure to publish 'leter to editor' is likely motive

FDA officer urges strict curbs on five drugs
...others suggest 'cold turkey' and rehab

Oil prices jump ahead of northern winter
...'That's just cold,' say consumers

Stalkers quest for mythical Tasmanian tiger
...Tasmanian tiger files restraining order, demands privacy

Wis. radio host calls Rice 'Aunt Jemima'
...Bush retorts, brown Rice cleared my Colin

Congress finishing up $338B spending bill
...following binge at upscale DC restaurant

Frozen woolly mammoth arrives in Japan
...Iron Chef faces biggest challenge of career

Palestinians choose presidential candidates
...unlike antiquated system employed in United States

House condemns criticisms of Boy Scouts
...Organization to be renamed Nazi Youth earlier this century

Lawmakers say intelligence bill not dead
...Study refute claims, indicates intelligence absent among lawmakers

Nations agree on Iraqi debt write off
...since there's nothing for banks to reposses

Conservatives urge closer look at marriage figure out ways their gay neighbors are ruining theirs

Letter from Lincoln's killer sets record
...for most ridiculous length of time USPS has taken to deliver

Rebellious Republicans derail 9/11 reform
...Sudanese vow to crush rebels

Bush seeks unity on North Korea, Iran
...Observers point out that countries already unified under 'Axis of Evil' banner

FCC says 'a la carte' TV would be costly
...based on the pay-per-view prices for hotel room porn

Maverick aviator envisions space travel's future
...Don't listen to that scientologist flyboy, says Iceman

Texas woman's death probed for mad cow tie
...Strangler again murders with bovine neckwear

Disney court battle often gets personal
...Ovitz: 'I didn't say Eisner was stupid, I said he was fucking Goofy!'

Israelis encourage Palestinian elections
...'It's easier to shoot them in a line at the polls,' explain Israelis

National Geographic Channel finds Hogzilla
...on episode of 'Freaks of Nature: Where are they now?'

156 political parties to run in Iraq elections least twice the number of citizens brave enough to go to the polls

Thousands protest Ukraine election results
...Nader was robbed, say clueless former commies

Foreign-born U.S. population said to top 34M
...All four Klan members vow to do something about it

McDonald's CEO resigns for health reasons
...Psychics alarmed they missed such an easy prediction

Ex-Dolphin Williams studying holistic medicine
...following dramatic evolution from Sea World performer

Stern sidekick Robin Quivers gets TV deal
...providing laugh track for Bill O'Reilly's show

Iraq accused of breaking peace agreement
...Iraq denies knowledge of 'peace' or 'agreement'

Bush wants CIA to offer up 'diverse views' order to target appropriate personnel for budget cuts

Britain vows to rein in animal rights activists
...for overdue trip to obidience school

Ukraine president calls for negotiations
...between Liza Minelli and David Gest

L-tryptophan in turkey may cause drowsiness
...while Muslims in Turkey may cause rowdiness

Congress to take steps to keep gov't open
...Clinton to take steps to keep marriage open

CDC admits errors in obesity risk study
...Our scale broke, explain embarassed scientists

Martha Stewart says she's 'safe, fit'
...and can fashion a shiv out any decorative centerpiece

Mrs. Cheney helps top national Christmas tree Democrats shove it up her prissy fat ass

Study: Half of Brazil's Amazon jungle occupied rapidly breeding herds of Starbucks franchises

Viacom, FCC reach $3.5 million agreement show Janet's other boob at next Super Bowl

States reviewing drug safety themselves
...following lead of California's pioneering amateur pharmacologists

Vegas becoming Hawaii's 'ninth island' California finally sinks into Pacific

Kremlin-backed PM declared Ukraine winner
...of eBay auction for obscure former Soviet country

Genetic factors may influence female infidelity
...but liquor is quicker, say fertility experts

Purported Zarqawi tape raps Muslim scholars
...American Idol's Simon Cowell to sign unexpected ethinic stars

Snow, storms slow holiday travel for some
...but nothing can stop the mail, say disturbed PO workers

U.S.: Fallujah had enough arms to rule Iraq
...Costeau: Octopus has enough arms to rule ocean floor

Bruce Willis sues studio over injuries
...Movie goers sue Bruce Willis over 'Whole Ten Yards'

FBI interviews Halliburton whistleblower
...following noise complaints from neighbors

Flame retardant found in Lake Michigan
...It's called water, explains innovative fireman

Ellen hooks up military with cruises
...proving once and for all that Tom is in fact gay

U.S. rejects Ukraine vote tally, warns gov't
...about hanging chads and Katherine Harris

U.N. battles sex abuse by peacekeepers
...In instances of 'Make love, not war!' gone awry

Safety of entire family of painkillers questioned
...when Ty Lenol takes the stand in Gotti tax evasion case

N.Y. gov. creates French-Indian War panel
...after receving commitee report 250 years too late

First-class stamp may cost 41 cents
...but public too afraid to complain to postal workers

Soldiers find weapons caches in Fallujah
...and complete xmas shopping one month ahead of schedule

Studies: Cord blood works vs. leukemia
...Pay-per-view bout scheduled to air on Discovery channel

Shock rocker Marilyn Manson teaches class alarming consequence of budget cuts

EU, Russia call for peace in Ukraine
...while quietly fighting for piece of Ukraine

Team uses biotech to build a better turkey
...but shoppers find Six Million Dollar bird outside holiday budget

Rumsfeld warns of pre-election dangers in Iraq
...Top of list: 'Iraqis,' reveals Sec. of Defense

Boxing dispute clouds copyright bill
...when pugalist lawmakers are ejected from building

Bush issues Thanksgiving proclamation
...'Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat.'

U.S. to launch new moon mission in 2010 critical effort deflate dangerous budget surplus

Bush seeks funds for abstinence education
...Moron seeks funds for oxymoron

Godzilla turns 50, reportedly says farewell
...AARP toasts new member before being toasted themselves

Fewer exchange students in U.S. schools
...Border patrol expected to issue truency warnings

Army uses NASCAR in recruiting effort round up best candidates for future Darwin Awards

U.N. anti-torture body slams U.K., Greece
...Both countries protest being slammed, file assault charges

French cheese is smelliest in U.K. test
...U.K. teeth deemed worst in retaliatory French survey

Ukraine rivals fail to resolve stalemate
...Kasparov called in as consultant out of desperation

Wis. town grieves for slain deer hunters
...Related story: Wis. deer celebrate rare instance of irony

GI deserter Jenkins leaves jail in Japan
...when Japanese refuse to let GI bring jail through Customs

Wal-Mart clarifies policy regarding unions
...Always low prices on teamster pay-offs, says official

Kids on Pink Floyd album sue for royalties
...We don't get no compensation, singers intone

U.S. Muslim TV network aims to build bridges
...since bridges are more needed in the desert than sitcoms

Diana suggests lover 'bumped off' in new tape former Supremes singer tops charts with 'Romance is Dead'

Bush: Validity of Ukraine vote in doubt
...Related story: Kettle sues Pot for defamation of character

China looks to promote business in Africa
...U2's Bono looks to promote rain in Africa

Dispute over turkey blamed for stabbings the Osbournes residence as Kelly's diet goes awry

Iraq determined to keep election date
...Friends say Iraq desperate, hasn't had a date in years

Report: Colombia rebels planned to kill Bush
...Correction: Colombians merely pick leaves off Bush, extract coca

Vibe Magazine addresses awards-night melee
...Editors insist they would have won if Artest had been there

Evidence at issue as woman's execution nears
...Normally they figure this out before the verdict, explain legal scholars

Court rules French film not French enough
...'Where are the nude scenes?' complain horny judges

Insurgents target Iraqi security forces
...for office "Secret Santa" event this year

Sudan's Janjaweed militia reportedly kills 16
...after having its name made fun of repeatedly

Artificial gravity studies get renewed attention plastic surgeons experiencing deline in business

New CIA director Goss rattles some cages
...Activists protest inhumane treatment of Goss' prisoners

Largest quake since Oct. hits St. Helens
...when Star Jones makes honeymoon visit to area

Surgery removes man's sixth finger, toes
...after being disqualified from typing championship

Celebrities shun Hollywood Christmas Parade
...for more popular Chanukah Parade in Beverly Hills

Israel ready to work with Palestinians destroying last remnants of civilization in region

9/11 chairman: Bush should apply pressure Cheney's chest following next collapse

Ancient Greek classes spark debate in Greece
...about where chickens were first fried (Answer: In Greece)

Pepper spray scatters crowd at toy store 'S.W.A.T. Gear Elmo' hits the shelves

Teacher turns laundry into learning time
...about segregation; "Whites don't go with coloreds," explains progressive

Iran group canvasses for suicide bombers
...during commercial break on television premire of 'Gigli'

NBC Sports chairman survives Colo. jet crash
...Update: Jet demands rematch at Caesar's Palace

Julia Roberts gives birth to twins shameless attempt to cash in with double feature

If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

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