The NatioALEXaminer Headlines

In case this isn't immediately obvious, I take real headlines (usually from the AP wire as they appear on Yahoo's main page) and add enough to them to finish the joke they started.

10/25/04
Half-Ton Man Recovers From Obesity Surgery
...McDonald's stock down 6% at close.

Experts: Web Searches for Sex Declining
...because I've bookmarked all the good sites.

California measures may sway nation
...soon everyone will want implants, say surgeons

Babylon marked by English-language graffiti
...wall reads, "Clapton is God"

Scientists hope to find more tiny humans
..."I ran for governor!" cries Gary Coleman

Wal-Mart won't sell comedian Carlin's book
...designer cave paintings by Rush Limbaugh debut at #1 on best-seller list.

Explosives vanished after U.S. invaded
...just like those WMDs.  Bush pleads ignorance... first honest statement in four years

Nader still a wild card in several key states
..."I wish I could say the same for him in bed," wife desponds

New Hannibal Lecter novel coming next fall
...Anthony Hopkins expected to make a killing.

Soldier: U.S. removed some Iraqi explosives
...Related story: Iraqi explosives remove some U.S. soldiers

Justice Rehnquist released from hospital
...Doctors and liberals agree: He's a sick son of a bitch

Mark Hacking pleads not guilty in wife's death
..."Exhibit A: His name is 'Hacking'!" exclaim prosecuters

List of top-earning dead celebrities released
...Michael Jackon's lawyers claim exclusion was racially motivated


If you are offended by any of the jokes, 
please re-read the headlines and 
get your priorities in order, you idiot!

Copyright "The NatioALEXaminer"... except the headlines, of course.
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