I hate any name that ends with an "S." You try to turn "Chris" or "Douglas" into a possessive on paper, and it's just an apostrophe. You go to say it, and it sounds like a stuttering contest with Cobra Commander.
I hate any name with more than three syllables. Give us all a break here. Some people don't even speak in sentences this long, and you're taking up all my time just addressing you, Liz? No, I will not call you by your full name. Life's too short.
I hate any name that spawns an abbreviated version that doesn't sound like it should originate there. Come on. It's like the paternity of the nickname is in question. I mean is "Bob" really the short form of "Robert"? What's wrong with "Rob"? And there's just no reason to call Richard a Dick. Unless he is.
I hate names that celebrities have ruined because they're so media-saturated we don't even question who they mean anymore by "Paris" or "Angelina" or "Britney."
I hate any name that sounds like other words. In geometry I always used hear about adjacent elements and think the teacher was saying Jason. And can you imagine trying to pick out your name when every past-tense verb ends with Ed?
I hate names when they're followed by the middle or last name Lee. Suddenly your name is an adverb that I've never even heard of.
I hate names that sound like last names like Jackson or Taylor or Madison or any of the presidents. It's pretentious, and you're basically saddling your kid with a name that makes me want to tell them to fuck off before they even open their mouths.
I hate names with foreign origins that left them with a goddamned accent mark. I'm not going to look up the character map to type Estee or Desiree just because your mom thought she was so fucking cosmopolitan.
I hate any name that is already a word like Don or Brad or Scooter. Actually, I kind of like Scooter. Still, why would you name your kid Hope? That's fucking stupid. Every time the word 'Dawn' comes up in a conversation, she's like, "Huh? Did you call me?" And won't you feel stupid when Rich grows up and applies for a loan and they'll say, "Aren't you 'Rich' already? Ha ha."
Lloyd. That's just a fucking stupid name. What's the extra "L"?
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