The Most Desirable Woman in the World

I wrote this to my ex-girlfriend (from many years ago) Cathleen.  She always has man-problems.  Specifically, more of them want her than she wants.  And even then, they want her longer than she wants them and more than she wants them.  She is The Most Desirable Woman in the World.




Subject: Funny... but true.

Cathleen,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to writing. I have lots of excuses, but none of them are very good.

Mainly I've been stuck thinking about something about you.  Specifically, I realized that nearly all the problems in your life can be traced back to one thing that you never realized: You are The Most Desirable Woman in the World.  That's not the problem though.  The problem is that you aren't aware that you're The Most Desirable Woman in the World.

I'm not really sure why this never dawned on you before.  Maybe it's because you're Canadian, and your adorable brand of delusional humility is part of your genetic make-up the way Canadian males are preternaturally predisposed to become SNL cast members.  I don't know.  Point is: The fact that you aren't aware of your off-the-scale desirability means that you are caught off-guard and confused by professions of attraction[1] and grandiose gifts[2] by folks ostensibly in the friend zone.  History has demonstrated how even restraining orders[3] won't diminish your desirability across distance.  Physicists cannot understand the intense force of attraction you emit or how to control it.  It is too great for them to calibrate their instruments to measure you accurately.

I know you're going to stop at some point pondering this and think, "But what about Bob? [Not his real name; Her now-ex-husband]   Apparently he found some fat chick more desirable."  I've thought about this a lot too, and finally came to the only logical conclusion: Bob is an idiot!  There is simply no other explanation.  Know this: At one time he wanted to marry you on his first date with you[4].  Maybe he sustained a head injury in the interim, but I'm quite certain that others have wanted to propose on their first meeting with you as well but merely kept it to themselves.  Why?  Because most people know you are The Most Desirable Woman in the World, and they assume you'll just decline any marriage proposals.  This is a false assumption (since you did say "yes" that one time), but few folks have direct experience with a Most Desirable Woman in the World to know better.  After all, there is only one Most Desirable Woman in the World.

Being The Most Desirable Woman in the World must quite a burden, although it's hard for everyone else to comprehend that.  For example, women are always going to have a problem with you.  They're experts at being jealous in general, and they excel at it where competition is concerned.  For example, Angelina Jolie wishes she was The Most Desirable Woman in the World.  As a result, she has a perpetual scowl on her face from the fact that she'll always be less desirable than you.  What can she do though?  She has already maximized her desirability with a small army of make-up artists, fashionistas, publicists, and other beauty consultants, and she still falls short.  Fun fact: She even dyes her naturally-blonde hair dark to better emulate you.  Nice try, Angelina.  Cathleen wins anyway.

Regarding the other half the population, men constantly throw themselves at you, and even you don't have enough cushion to bounce them away[5].  I recall one occasion in which you turned this one one guy a half dozen times at an Information Society show, and we had to make out in front of him before he finally gave up[6].  I don't know that there's anything you can do about this problem on your own though.  You've tried the blazers[7] and whatnot, but fashion is probably not the most effective deterrent.  After all, you are insanely desirable in almost anything, especially on Halloween[8].

I know you are constitutionally incapable of being as assertive as you should be to fend off most of these guys.  The only remaining solution is counter-intuitive: Embrace your desirability.  Once you accept the irrefutable fact that you are The Most Desirable Woman in the World, certain powers are available to you that you've heretofore failed to employ.  For example, you can invoke the "we're just friends" power without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings.  See, guys will still be happy merely to be in your presence even if you tell them, "Nope.  Never going to happen."

I'm pretty sure you'll be happier going through life as a more self-aware Most Desirable Woman in the World than as someone constantly asking herself, "What did I do to deserve all this unwanted attention?"  Those kinds of questions take up a lot of time, and you have better things to do, I'm sure.  Knowing you're The Most Desirable Woman in the World means most of your problems will resolve themselves because most of your guy troubles can be addressed with the statement, "Hell, I can do better than this," because you can.

I know you didn't ask for this advice, but I'm a guy and so I like solving everyone's problems.  There.  You're welcome.

-Alex.


She replied:

Wow that is definitely one way to look at it!  Of course I have been clueless this whole time and I still think you are full of poop.  But thank you for the Ego stroke!!!


Footnotes:
I wrote the above to her, but many of the references are lost on outside parties and require explanation:

[1] I mean, this one guy was married.  They had been friends for years.  She was like, "Seriously?  Dude.  Really?"

[2] I forget the specifics now, but someone she knew through work bought her a tv and/or a Blu-ray player then stuck around at her place for hours to help set it up.  Sure, that's why.  Because he was just that nice a guy.  Yeah, that's it.

[3] She once had to put a restraining order on a guy she briefly dated.  After she ordered him to stay away, he would pay children in her apartment complex to deliver "I love you" notes to her door.

[4] True story.  He proposed to her on their first date.  For reasons unknown, she said yes.  Admittedly, I did like the guy, but he is definitely an idiot for leaving her.

[5] Obligatory breast joke.  She has a pair in the DDD range.

[6] Again, true story.  I knew the guy from high school.  He repeatedly asked her to come dance with him.  She and I were just friends (i.e., broken up by then), but I suggested making out in front of him.  He didn't bother her anymore.

[7] To hide her figure, she habitually wore blazers.  In the summer.  In Louisiana.  In the 1990s when NO ONE wore blazers.

[8] No one loves Halloween more than Cathleen.  The year I wrote this she wore four costumes (This was taken from her email description to me):
1. Mummy/Cleopatra (to one party and maybe actual Halloween night)
2. Super Girl (for work and a boo fest with the kids)
3. '80s valley girl (to an '80s Halloween concert with flock of seagulls, etc.)
4. I am going to a Zombie Masquerade ball!!!!! In honor of you and Dani I am going to Trash and bloody my Best women dress. I figure you would appreciate it and not be offended.


Copyright 2012 Alexplorer.
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