The Most Desirable
Woman in the World
I wrote this
to my ex-girlfriend (from
many years ago) Cathleen. She always has man-problems.
more of them want her than she wants. And even then, they want
longer than she wants them and more than she wants them. She is
Most Desirable Woman in the World.
Funny... but true.
Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to writing. I have lots of
excuses, but none of them are very good.
Mainly I've been stuck thinking about something about you.
Specifically, I realized that nearly all the problems in your life can
be traced back to one thing that you never realized: You are The Most
Desirable Woman in the World. That's not the problem
though. The problem is that you aren't aware that you're The Most
Desirable Woman in the World.
I'm not really sure why this never dawned on you before. Maybe
it's because you're Canadian, and your adorable brand of delusional
humility is part of your genetic make-up the way Canadian males are
preternaturally predisposed to become SNL cast members. I don't
know. Point is: The fact that you aren't aware of your
off-the-scale desirability means that you are caught off-guard and
confused by professions of attraction and grandiose gifts
by folks ostensibly in the friend zone. History has demonstrated
how even restraining orders won't diminish your
desirability across distance. Physicists cannot understand the
intense force of attraction you emit or how to control it. It is
too great for them to calibrate their instruments to measure you
I know you're going to stop at some point pondering this and think,
"But what about Bob? [Not his real name; Her
now-ex-husband] Apparently he found some fat chick more
desirable." I've thought about this a lot too, and finally came
to the only logical conclusion: Bob is an idiot! There is simply
no other explanation. Know this: At one time he wanted to marry
you on his first date with you. Maybe he sustained
a head injury in the interim, but I'm quite certain that others have
wanted to propose on their first meeting with you as well but merely
kept it to themselves. Why? Because most people know you
are The Most Desirable Woman in the World, and they assume you'll just
decline any marriage proposals. This is a false assumption (since
you did say "yes" that one time), but few folks have direct experience
with a Most Desirable Woman in the World to know better. After
all, there is only one Most Desirable Woman in the World.
Being The Most Desirable Woman in the World must quite a burden,
although it's hard for everyone else to comprehend that. For
example, women are always going to have a problem with you.
They're experts at being jealous in general, and they excel at it where
competition is concerned. For example, Angelina Jolie wishes she
was The Most Desirable Woman in the World. As a result, she has a
perpetual scowl on her face from the fact that she'll always be less
desirable than you. What can she do though? She has already
maximized her desirability with a small army of make-up artists,
fashionistas, publicists, and other beauty consultants, and she still
falls short. Fun fact: She even dyes her naturally-blonde hair
dark to better emulate you. Nice try, Angelina. Cathleen
Regarding the other half the population, men constantly throw
themselves at you, and even you don't have enough cushion to bounce
them away. I recall one occasion in which you
turned this one one guy a half dozen times at an Information Society
show, and we had to make out in front of him before he finally gave up.
I don't know that there's anything you can do about this problem on
your own though. You've tried the blazers and
whatnot, but fashion is probably not the most effective
deterrent. After all, you are insanely desirable in almost
anything, especially on Halloween.
I know you are constitutionally incapable of being as assertive as you
should be to fend off most of these guys. The only remaining
solution is counter-intuitive: Embrace your desirability. Once
you accept the irrefutable fact that you are The Most Desirable Woman
in the World, certain powers are available to you that you've
heretofore failed to employ. For example, you can invoke the
"we're just friends" power without worrying about hurting anyone's
feelings. See, guys will still be happy merely to be in your
presence even if you tell them, "Nope. Never going to happen."
I'm pretty sure you'll be happier going through life as a more
self-aware Most Desirable Woman in the World than as someone constantly
asking herself, "What did I do to deserve all this unwanted
attention?" Those kinds of questions take up a lot of time, and
you have better things to do, I'm sure. Knowing you're The Most
Desirable Woman in the World means most of your problems will resolve
themselves because most of your guy troubles can be addressed with the
statement, "Hell, I can do better than this," because you can.
I know you didn't ask for this advice, but I'm a guy and so I like
solving everyone's problems. There. You're welcome.
Wow that is definitely one way to look at it! Of course I have
been clueless this whole time and I still think you are full of
poop. But thank you for the Ego stroke!!!
the above to her, but many of the references are lost on outside
parties and require explanation:
I mean, this one guy was married. They had been friends for
years. She was like, "Seriously? Dude. Really?"
 I forget the specifics now,
but someone she knew through work bought her a tv and/or a Blu-ray
player then stuck around at her place for hours to help set it
up. Sure, that's why. Because he was just that nice a
guy. Yeah, that's it.
 She once had to put a
restraining order on a guy she briefly dated. After she ordered
him to stay away, he would pay children in her apartment complex to
deliver "I love you" notes to her door.
 True story. He
proposed to her on their first date. For reasons unknown, she
said yes. Admittedly, I did like the guy, but he is definitely an
idiot for leaving her.
 Obligatory breast
joke. She has a pair in the DDD range.
 Again, true story. I
knew the guy from high school. He repeatedly asked her to come
dance with him. She and I were just friends (i.e., broken up by
then), but I suggested making out in front of him. He didn't
bother her anymore.
 To hide her figure, she
habitually wore blazers. In the summer. In Louisiana.
In the 1990s when NO ONE wore blazers.
 No one loves Halloween more
than Cathleen. The year I wrote this she wore four costumes (This
was taken from her email description to me):
1. Mummy/Cleopatra (to one party and maybe
actual Halloween night)
2. Super Girl (for work and a boo fest
with the kids)
3. '80s valley girl (to an '80s Halloween
concert with flock of seagulls, etc.)
4. I am going to a Zombie Masquerade
ball!!!!! In honor of you and Dani I am going to Trash and bloody my
Best women dress. I figure you would appreciate it and not be offended.