Screw YoU-Haul

The following is something based on actual events that I wrote to a certain moving van rental company.

Dear U-Haul,

My partner and I recently completed moving using a truck we rented from one of your locations.  I'm not in the business of renting out moving vans to prospective movers, but I thought I might offer some suggestions as to how you might improve your business and thus retain customers like me who you have irrevokably lost after their experience with you.

For example, when stating your prices, it would be helpful to know that rental fees prominantly posted on your website and throughout the facility DO NOT include the six moving blankets and handtruck that are automatically included in the suddenly and inexplicably inflated bill.  Had I been aware that these things were included in the price, I would have known to check to see if said items had been included in the truck before I went out of my way to pick up my own hand truck from my home before I went to the self-storage facility where I would be using it.  However, it is fortunate that I did make this trip seeing as how the handtruck I was to later be informed I had paid for WAS NOT IN THE TRUCK.

I did not find out we had, in fact, paid for this item until we returned the vehicle to the rental facility that apparently doubled as an adult day care center with occupational therapy where I was told by one of the employees/patients/inmates that I had failed to return one of the moving blankets and the handtruck.  Hmmm, I think.  Maybe representatives of this company have never dealt with people who are in the process of moving (Why would they, after all?  Their business is only to rent moving vans to people who are moving), but just to clue you in: People in the process of moving are typically very pissed off.  They have had to contend with a lot of minor irritations recently (e.g., "Which box is my goddamned toothbrush in?") and can be a little irritable.

Let's examine the case of the (allegedly) disappearing hand truck.  After debating this issue for roughly thirty minutes with one of the missing links behind the counter, I felt like I was being held captive at a cryptozoology convention.  The only proof of this item's existence your representative could provide was the paperwork that went with the truck.  I contended that my blood pressure at this point should be a more empiracle indicator of the fact that there was no hand truck for which 1) I had been charged a rental fee and 2) was supposed to pay to replace.  Fortunately another customer/victim of this would-be scam arrived during this exchange and was subjected to the same accusation of having lifted a hand truck that he was never issued.  The two of us realized that your company was 1) retarded or 2) retarded.  In light of this information, go back and re-read that sentence until it sinks in.

At this point it became clear to the U-Haul representatives on hand that their only option was to suggest that we were a network of insider traders trying to corner the hand truck market by pilfering equipment, one item at a time and clearly we were insane since we were willing to rent a moving van to accomplish this end.  Since no conspiracy theorists were availble to corroborate this wild supposition, your wards relented and did not attempt to charge us for the Loch Ness hand trucks nor the missing moving blanket as obviously any subsequent customers to walk through the door would only serve as additional character witnesses for the prosecution.

Now, speaking of those blankets: Honestly, why would we or anyone else want any of these worthless items?  Again returning to the abundantly obvious fact that Hello, we're moving!  Just about the last thing we want during this time is MORE STUFF.  I just spent the last two months encouraging my partner to pare down her closet of useless crap to levels that could actually be moved over the course of a weekend when her brother (even though he was in town that week) probably wouldn't be helping us because he's an inconsiderate fuck who would deign it beneath him to give his sister a hand.  Fuck-wit.

Add to this the fact, that even after the forced thinning of said useless and largely unfashionable textile collection, no one on earth has more blankets than my partner.  Well, her mother is a close second, but we're not going to go there.  Incidentally, should her parents ever move again, I will be certain to direct their business elsewhere and you will have lost out on the simultaneous rental of three trucks just to accomodate the hand-painted crafts and collection of Thomas Kincade cottages that clutter the garage.  But that's a story for another time.  In short, we didn't take (and consequently, still do not have) your blanket, Linus.  It would certainly have turned up by now if we did because I've certainly had to look enough places to find my goddamned toothbrush.  But I think we've been over that point already.

So here's a suggestion: Please reduce the number of number of blankets on each truck to five rather than six.  This will reduce the clearly taxing task on your employees of tallying the inventory by keeping the number of items equal to (or, in a few isolated cases in the Ozarks, less than) the number of fingers on one hand.  They should be able to count this high and ensure that your property is accounted for when your customers return it as we did.

Further, in order to resolve that nagging hand truck problem, you should tie all six (or let's go with five) of these blankets end to end from the trailer hitch of the moving van to the hand truck trailing behind it such that future customers cannot help but notice what they have paid for as it is dragged clanging down the road on their way out of the lot with it swinging into the sides of passing motorists' vehicles and into unwitting pedestrians' accidental death and dismemberment insurance policies.

Finally, consider this one last suggestion: Please add "Screw" as the prefix to your brand name.  While "U-Haul" certainly has brand recognition, I think you'll better convey why customers ought to bring their own supply of KY jelly when dealing with you.

-Alex.


Copyright 2006 Ale[x]asperated.
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