Jack Bauer Rawks!

I thought the Chuck Norris thing was the strangest internet meme ever.  I was wrong.  Kiefer Sutherland of TVs "24" just topped that.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland.  Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys.  He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke.  Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef.  Then it's fucking beef.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.  Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer.  Sounds like a fair fight.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk.  Oh you are so screwed.

Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead.  It just makes him angry.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way.  It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite.  Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red.  His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman.  The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him.  If he is stronger, join him.  If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'.  He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed.  When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer.  He got a 9mm round to the face.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked."

Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands.  They are now The Islands.

Henderson's men actually took cover behind a water tank.  Unfortunately, when Jack Bauer wants an explosion, water turns into natural gas.

Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists.  They are all Jack Bauer.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Guns dont kill people; Jack Bauer kills people.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex.  Why?  Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.

Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.  Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard.  Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin.  Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.  Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal.  He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

You can lead a horse to water.  Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Compiled 2006, 2011 the Ale[x]ecutioner.
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