LOL. This so overused and inappropriately used that I tend to just gloss over it, but why should I have to? I'm not the one with the problem. Just stop and perform this little test for yourself, "Did I just laugh out loud?" Odds are it's a "No," in which case, shut the fuck up.
The 'Shift' key. I will never get how people can be so lazy that they can't employ their pinky long enough to start a sentence. It actually takes more energy for me to avoid using it. Listen, if you want to look like you're a badass who's breaking the rules, at least try to look like you know they exist in the first place. Typing in all lower case reads like the internet equivalent of a redneck accent.
Apostrophe confusion about decades. See, apostrophes are used to denote possessives and contractions. NEVER plurality. You put the apostrophe where the missing part of a word goes: cannot = can't, chilling = chillin', and LISTEN UP, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, 1950s = '50s. It is NOT 50's unless it belongs to 50 Cent (e.g., "That's 50's ho, yo!") or you're saying he's going to do something (e.g., "50's gonna kill you when he finds what you did with his ho, yo!").
People who definitely cannot spell "definately." How did this get started? Will it ever end? Proper usage: "Brindle is definitely going to break your fingers if she catches you spelling it like that."
Ellipses points without a space. This is more an ASCII issue than grammar, but it screws up the formatting if you type like...this. Most browsers and other text readers will view this as an 11 letter-long word, so it inserts a soft return prematurely and makes the text uneven as though there's a paragraph break coming up.
Its. See that? It's a real word. Did you see the beginning of the previous sentence? Yep, that's a different thing. The first one is possessive (even though it is the only possessive that doesn't have an apostrophe) whereas the second one is a contraction. I just blew your fucking mind, didn't I? Great.
Your vs. You're. Along similar lines, somehow people (read: idiots) confuse this more than three homonyms each of "too" or "there" combined. I've said this before, but it bears (not bares, fuckheads) repeating: It's "you're," not "your." As in, "You're the offspring of first cousins." Contrast with, "Every time you touch a keyboard, your English teacher cries."
...and can't you use one more comma? Somehow the comma before "and" got to be considered redundant... presumably by the same crowd that finds the 'Shift' key the same. Personally, I think you still need one, especially with complicated syntax or confusing lists like, "Anthony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet, and Sonny and Cher are examples of tragic couples."
A/C. You want to find something redundant? Then tell me where the fuck that slash came from. Is this a carry-over from someone confused about what AC/DC stands for? Hint: It's got nothing to do with air/conditioning. Wait. Did you see that? Yeah, no one writes it with a slash like that. Because it's fucking redundant, and all the more so since you're supposed to be abbreviating the word.
Emoticons. This shit wore out its welcome back in 1995. I'm sorry if you came onto the internet after that, but you're like a transfer student from another decade telling us all about how cool the New Kids on the Block are when anyone who ever cared moved on. Besides, if you can't write in a way that effectively conveys that you're kidding, it probably isn't funny. If you're inserting cartoon faces because you're worried the reader is going to get angry, then use your hostage negotiator voice and keep the jokes to yourself around the potential psycho.
Stay tuned for Part II. Yes, of course
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