Five Fashions That Annoy
Beth hates that I hate (what I see as) bad
fashions. Actually, she hates that I won't shut up about hating bad
"Why does it bother you," she asks.
Well, when we're out trying to enjoy ourselves,
it's just an affront to my sense of aesthetics. It's like a bad smell
when you're trying to eat. It's like loud music drowning out the
conversation so you have to strain to hear someone. If I'm trying
to take in the sights, why do you ladies feel compelled to stab me in the
eyes with some of these outfits?!
Here are your choices: Shorts
or pants. Chose. There's no excuse for wearing pants that look
like you borrowed them from a ten year-old and let them out in the waist.
The best thing about winter is these disappear along with that youthful
tattoo indulgence on your ankle.
See capris. No, actually
these are even worse. They're a tease because guys can't wait for
you to sit down in them, then they go to sneak a peak and, hey, wtf?
Where did all this fabric come from? Please don't jump on the bandwagon
if this fad ever comes back.
I'm not trying to beat you in
a race, and we can have a seat it you want to look me in the eye.
These are to locomotion what wire-hooped bustle skirts were to sitting.
Why haven't heels taken a similarly fast track to extinction? Probably
because you can't walk in them.
The very name should be unappealing
enough, so why would you wear a garment that is too stupid to figure out
that your waistline is several inches lower (and slimmer) and not halfway
up your ribcage? Apparently the rationale is they're supposed to
make guys go, "Oh, hey, look at that. She has breasts." Trust
me, we're going to figure out where those are. What we'll wonder
is when the baby's due.
Sure, I like your shoulders, but
I really don't need to see you tugging on your top all night because it
keeps slipping where you don't want it and I do. Could you not find
something a little lower-maintenance and look just as good? Of course,
if you really want me to shoot myself, wear a strapless moo moo around