Fun facts about babies



Babies' birthweights are a bunch of shit.  That's right, literally.  Babies are largely filler.  Like the truth, this comes out in a few days.  It's called meconium and has the consistency of the sludge they washed from penguins after the Exxon Valdez drunk-drove into rocks.  Wet-wipes will not remove it.  You have to scrape it off.  Babies excrete nearly a pound of it before they leave the hospital.  So the next time you hear a birthweight, realize it's a bit inflated by shit.  (And a foreskin roughly half the time as well.)

Everyone was a baby once.  It's really profound when you have one of your own and realize that George Burns, Marlon Brando, Osama bin Ladin, David Lynch, Albert Einstein, Bill Clinton, Adolf Hitler, Wolfgang Mozart, Samuel L. Jackson, and Charles Manson all were babies once.  Not really sure what happens between then and where they end up.  I'll get back to you on that when I figure it out.

Babies are chick magnets.  It's a double-edged sword though.  I mean, I used to be able to get away with checking out girls from behind as they passed me on the street.  Now they're doubling around to see the baby, so I get caught scoping them.  I'm thinking of parlaying this into entertainment: "You want to see my baby?  Okay, then do a little twirl so I can see your ass."

A baby's GI tract is the funniest thing in the world.  No matter how many times you think you've happened across something that really tickled their sense of humor, sorry, it's just gas.

There is such a thing as a parenting instinct.  Who knew this shit came factory-loaded?  It's embedded and doesn't kick on until they hand you a kid.  All of a sudden you miraculously manage to take care of something you probably couldn't have kept alive days earlier.


Addendum to that last point: I can't remember who told me this, but upon relating my prenatal fears of inadequacy as a parent, one of my friends asked, "Well, have you ever dropped one of your guitars?"  No, I haven't, and I have a lot of guitars.  My kid's doing well.  Thank you, whoever pointed that out.

Copyright 2009 Alexplorer.
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