DVD Hell
What the fuck is wrong with dvd designers?  I picked this disc (First disc of the first season of "Entourage") just because it was handy, and it isn't even the worst of the lot for cataloguing my pet peeves, but here's a start...

You put the disc in and...  Who fucking cares?  Write this on the side of the fucking dvd!  I spend the whole time this goddamned screen is on looking at my fucking remote control alternating between FF, Skip Forward, and the Menu button trying to bypass this shit.  In about 90% of the cases, none of the above helps.

Thankfully this dvd didn't do what so many of them do and show me eight more of these fucking screens, including some in FRENCH(?!?!?).


Next the studio has to jerk off in my face.  I have no idea why they think I would mother-fucking care whether Paramount put out something as opposed to Universal or any of those other piles of shit.  No one does.  Find another way to compensate for your small penises, you sorry fucks!

In this case there's a THREE FUCKING MINUTE long montage commercial for shows on HBO, followed another commercial for still more shows presented individually this time.

You can skip past this, but you can't FF through it.  Did you follow that?  In the brainless thought process of the dvd designers, it makes more sense to have viewers skip something entirely than to let them sample it to see if they're the least bit interested.  Fucking brilliant!


Ah, the menu.  But you can't use it yet.  Rather than letting you get on with watching the fucking show, there's a stupid lead-in animation that is essentially a truncated version of intro to the fucking show.  You know, the thing you're going to watch in another couple seconds if you can ever get the goddamned thing to play.

Me, I'm a bit impatient (You think?), so this is where I go next: Languages. 

I have this habit of turning on the subtitles so I can watch the show in FF and just read the boring scenes... which is most of the time in most cases.

Okay, so you see anything missing from this menu?  Yeah.  Commentaries.  Where are the commentaries?  That's an audio track, right?  Well, here's the deal...


The "Special Features" mentioned on the previous menu consist solely of commentary tracks and a little teaser that basically says, "Fuck you, you fucking idiot.  There isn't anything special about this disc."

You ready to watch an episode?  Here we are!

Again, what's missing?  My favorite option on most menus: The "PLAY ALL" option.  Here we have a dvd that consists of four half-hour episodes (in other words, about the content of a typical movie), and you're going to make me go back to the menu (THE STUPID FUCKING MENU I FUCKING HATE) to select the next one?  Fuck you!


So now you've selected an episode... only to be brought to the MOST REDUNDANT MENU SCREEN EVER ENCODED.

We have an episode summary.  That's right.  For an episode that runs 20 minutes.  If you have the urge to read this summary, then you're the type of person who will require more time to read the summary than to watch the whole fucking episode.

Oh, and what's that?  The option to Play with commentary?  Didn't we already establish this should have been on the "Languages" menu.  It's already on the "Special (ed) Features" for some goddamned reason.  How about you go fucking Play with your stupid fucking self?


Finally you get the episode started and HBO jerks off in your face again before giving you...

...this cheesiest fucking intro that goes on for more than minute.  I've just about worn out my remote by this point, and I haven't even gotten the goddamned show started yet.

Copyright 2006 by an Ale[x]asperated viewer.
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