The Rules for Dating Dani
Actually, Dani began writing one of these shortly before she and I first went out... which is also why she never finished it.  She is much funnier than I am, even though she never writes anything.  This is why I wish I owned a video camera.

Here is what she managed so far:

The Rules for Dating Dani

Chapter 1… the Basics
Chapter 2… Provisions for Physical Involvement
Chapter 3… a Lifetime of Daniness…How To Make it Happily Ever After

Chapter 1
The Basics

Dani requires some routine maintenance, much like your standard automobile, in order to perform at optimal levels.  The maintenance includes…

a. Food & Fluids… Dani needs milk to keep her bones strong, in the event that she has to knock some sense into you.  It is vitally important to note that Dani requires chocolate syrup (preferably Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup-  regular OR lite) to be on hand at all times….or at least in conjunction with the milk supply.  No milk, no need for chocolate syrup… no milk, no Dani… at least in the long run.  For short-term users without physical provisions (see Chapter 2), this rule may be irrelevant.  But, it is an interesting tidbit nevertheless.

b. Spark plug testing and battery recharge… in order to ensure Dani is up to minimal engine firing standards, it is necessary to check her spark plugs and recharge her battery on a regular basis.  Doing so is quite simple… Dani’s battery operates on a static electricity charge… static electricity may be generated by stroking Dani gently (any number of stroke locations may be appropriate, but please consult with Dani prior to or during stroke initiation).  Dani’s spark plugs should be tested regularly as well.  This procedure involves lip-to-lip contact, during which you will be testing for tongue-to-tongue sparking.  On many occasions, Dani may find it beneficial for her sparks to be tested through lip-to-other-body-part testing as well.  Liberal use of any and all testing is highly recommended.

c. Saturday dates are highly desirable due to Dani’s need to comply with early morning Saturday runs if she is to complete a marathon in May.  Therefore, just as it is sometimes necessary to call ahead for an appointment to get your automobile tuned up, it may also be necessary to plan ahead to arrange for the elusive Saturday night date.  Dani is happy to accommodate other date nights, but feels it necessary to warn that these nights may impair Dani’s ability to perform to her highest possible standards.  Also note, if Chapter 2 is applicable to the reader (the physical provisions), Saturday evening dates are essential.  However, Dani has been known to make exceptions for ‘special’ men and/or occasions.  Dani is not a hard-nose about this… just wishes to state her preference.  Dani also wishes to note that multiple dates are better than singular dates… i.e., a date three days a week is highly preferable to once a week.  And dates are welcome to take place consecutively, barring any unforeseen other dates that are scheduled previously.  Dani must work on a first come first served basis at times, and asks for your patience.  Patience is a virtue that will be lavishly rewarded.

Copyright 2003-2007 D'n'Alexplorer.  I've been waiting more than four years for the completion of this guide, but she has never continued it.  Bitch.
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