Things Dani does to annoy
me: Part II
Dani speaks when she yawns. It's not
like she plows ahead the with conversation through this reflex. No,
she will suddenly think of something to say just as it's coming on.
With no context clues to draw from, I'm at a loss what she's trying to
say with this Terry Schiavo impression. Then she gives me a dirty
look when I say to her, "I need consonants."
Even though the thing that makes a napkin
effective is its exposed surface area, Dani crumples hers into a little
ball over the course of a meal. And then she wants to borrow mine.
Microwave timers are designed so that you
put in your food for the desired cooking duration, then return to it when
it beeps. Not Dani. She punches in what must be a completely
random number of a value greater than the time required to cook her food.
Then, at a point that is determined by something other than the timer,
she opens the microwave and pulls the food out. I know this not from
seeing it occur but rather the fact that when I next try to use the microwave,
there are always her leftovers on the timer.
Speaking of microwaves, Dani is convinced
the stove is the only way to cook Ramen noodles. Anyone who has ever
eaten Ramen noodles knows you use a microwave, but in Dani's universe not
all hot water is created equal. Apparently there's something magic
about the holy water produced by a heating element on the bottom of a metal
pot that I now have to wash instead of just microwaving the bowl of water
you'll be eating out of.
Dani loves it when I chew with my mouth full.
This isn't because she has granted me permission to forgo manners; it's
because she always asks me a question the moment I have bitten down on
the latest portion of the meal.
For the first couple shots I take, Dani closes
her eyes when I take a picture. Sometimes I manage to surprise her
on the third one. More than just the trouble of trying to take a
good picture of her, I get annoyed that the life of the camera will be
significantly shortened by trying to unsynchronize her blinks with the
Dani isn't deaf. This isn't so much
an annoyance as the fact that she has no excuse for things my deaf ex-wife
did. For example, her most frequent response to an either/or question
like "Do you want water or juice?" is "Yes."
I wish this was always evidence of a wild
night of sex, but no matter how it happens, whenever Dani's clothes come
off, they're invariably inside out. Socks, shirts, pants... it doesn't
matter. What matters is that more often than not, I'm the one who
does the laundry, so when it comes to hanging things up, I'm responsible
for setting them right.
The rest of the world discovered the Ctrl
key sometime around 1995, but not Dani. To her "Cut and Paste" =
right click, menu, select... and so on.
Dani thinks fans keep the house cool.
She leaves them running in rooms she isn't in and has no intention of being
in for hours. If you think this or do this, you annoy me too.