Things Dani does to
me (A partial list)
Dani annoys me.
I love her, but in any partnership, there are going to be
Now I'm not saying she sets out to annoy me deliberately... it's just
she does certain things, then after I've asked her not to do them, she
does them again.
Dani leaves spoons all over the
No, she isn't autistic, nor is this some sort of voodoo ritual.
likes to have a spoon-full of ice cream at a time. She goes to
freezer and gets that, then walks around eating it. When she is
she leaves the spoon somewhere. Anywhere, in fact. I have
them in the bathroom, on the headboard of our bed, and by the
I'm like, "How did I bring my cereal bowl back to the kitchen without
spoon." Answer: I didn't.
Dani likes to get behind cars.
If there's a red light ahead and one lane is empty while the other has
three cars lined up, guess which one we end up in?
Dani snores. I have tried
tactics for dealing with this. Waking her results in a confused
and a "What?" after which she goes to sleep and resumes snoring within
three minutes or less (i.e. just enough time for me to start to doze
and be awakened... again). Holding her nose doesn't stop her from
even while my fingers are pinching an airtight seal across her
She will continue to noisily pass the same recycled breath-full of air
back and forth over the snore-generating machinery housed somewhere
her head. She will only try to breathe through her mouth and wake
up startled when she finally runs out of breath. Then I get this
accusatory look like, "Hey, did you just try to kill me?"
Dani likes to clutter the
I don't know what she gets out of this, but I have a clear record of
she has had to eat most days from the trail of empty packaging left
that any normal person would have placed in the trash/recycling
Dani has cats. I'm not
want to go into this topic for fear of breaking the keyboard.
Dani keeps a little jar of
next to the bed. At night she puts this on her lips right
she goes to bed, ostensibly because her lips are chapped. In
this is a trap to make me think twice before trying to steal a
See, when I kiss her, I get this jolt of super intense pepperment that
clings to my own lips even after my hasty attempt to wipe it all
An electric fence around her face couldn't be more effective.
Dani likes colors that don't suit
She is quite clearly and undeniably a winter, yet as we walk through a
clothing store, she will walk straight past a rack of black, red, and
outfits and pick up the pastel turquoise sweater and say, "Isn't this
My answer, same as always: "Yes, but not for you."
Dani forgets which movies we've
Many of you know this story already, but the conversation typically
Her: How about this one?
Me: We saw it already.
Her: Did I like it?
Dani likes to take a different path
the same place no matter how many times we drive there. For
we must have gone to visit her parents at their house almost every
for about the first six months we were dating. The first time I
to drive over there by myself, I couldn't find the place. I ended
up taking portions of several of the multitude of routes we had
tried until I wound back on myself like a snake eating its tail.
I don't know how she manages to make it to work on time.
Dani likes to talk about poop.
I have no idea how she does this, but somehow the conversation will get
steered in this general direction only when we're doing that most
opposite of bodily functions and trying to eat.
Dani will not put away laundry
pile is high enough to punch a hole in the ozone layer. She
this twice: Once with the dirty laundry until I force her to sort it
to her set of arcane and unknowable rules, then I'll actually wash it,
bring it back to the bedroom, sort it, and fold it. However, it
get put away. Remember when I said "twice"? That's where
second pile comes from.
Dani leaves the light on over the
As with so much else, I have no idea why. She will remember to
off every other light in the house, but that one serves as some sort of
secret signal to the outside world of something... mainly that she's
Dani never files anything.
wouldn't be a problem if she just stuffed it all into a big box
The problem is that she always plans to file things away.
Later. Eventually. Someday. In the meantime, it
to the point I'm literally tripping over piles of things.
there's usually a large pile of laundry nearby to break my fall.