Chuck Norris Rawks!

This may be the strangest internet meme ever.  The following were compiled from various places around the web.

*Note: If you are gay, please replace "Chuck Norris" with "Vin Disel" to provide maximum enjoyment.



Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant. He just doesn't put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat. Rather he kicks ass until he's full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what his way detailed, he replied: with barbed wire and nails, of course. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never gets laid, rather: laid gets Chuck.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying there isnt enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Kellers favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror.

Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris has never farted. scientists fear that if he ever does, it will be the end of mankind.

When the Boogeman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. He then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, Dont worry about it, honey, and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, Never question Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage... he just ate a fucking Indian.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesnít wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SATs, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Each individual hair in Chuck Norris' beard has a beard of its own.

Chuck Norris never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.

When Chuck Norris had his first wet dream, he nearly drowned.

Chuck Norris once ate 5 turkeys in one sitting. The following massive bowel movement spawned into the band Yes.

Onions do not make Chuck Norris cry. Chuck Norris makes onions shit themselves.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

When Chuck Norris drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris covers his Slip 'n' Slide with gravel.

Chuck Norris drinks eight 8 oz. glasses of water per day so he can mark his territory.

Chuck Norris could've easily shot the Deputy, but felt the Sheriff was enough to get the job done.

A headache is Chuck Norris's way of telling you that you should think of him more often.

Chuck Norris once breast fed a flamingo back to health.

Chuck Norris once suffocated a plant.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck NorrisCrop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck NorrisChuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck NorrisThere is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck NorrisChuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his motherís womb.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When God said, "let there be light," Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesnt use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

27. The number of fatal roundhouse-kicks to the face Chuck Norris has given to other people in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris' mother.

Chuck Norris 5 oclock shadow appears yesterday.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, which is why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris can do 137 pushups. With his feet.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.


Copyright 2006 the Ale[x]ecutioner... except this text, of course.
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