New slogans for cereal

Walking down the breakfast cereal aisle, I realized my true purpose in life: To decode the secret messages of cereals.
100% Bran - 0% fun. There's obviously no room left for any in your life when you are this concerned about your colon.

Alpha-Bits - Making the OCD crowd late for work or school every morning. E.V.E.R.Y.

Apple Jacks - What the hell are Jacks?

Barbie - Somehow they manage to simultaneously market food and the basis of countless cases of eating disorders.

Booberry - You'll be haunted by Type 2 diabetes from eating this crap in a few years.

Cap'n Crunch - This spawned more variations when I was a kid than Donkey Kong spawned Mario Bros. spin-offs.

Chex - What act of drug-crazed desperation prompted some party host to mix pretzels and croutons into this crap?

Cocoa Krispies - see Cocoa Pebbles

Cocoa Pebbles - see Cocoa Krispies.

Cocoa Puffs - Furthering the environmental hypothesis behind mental illness.

Cookie Crisp - Here's a quick reminder that your mom won't bake for any meal.

Corn Pops - Shouldn't this be like, I don't know... Popcorn?

Corn Flakes - In case the Frosted Flakes were just too much stimulation first thing in the morning.

Count Chocula - Giving goth kids the energy they need to do, well, nothing.

Frankenberry - If your mascot is a cut-up corpse, you're to blame for creating untold numbers of cereal killers.

Froot Loops - When I was a kid it only came in three colors. Now it's the official cereal of Gay.

Frosted Flakes - Because if you want to eat dandruff, do it first thing before your peers at school or work notice.

Fruit & Fibre - ...is redundant.

Golden Grahams - From the folks who brought you Cookie Crisp.

Grape Nuts - Birdshot is more edible. Help put your dentist's kids through college.

Honey Smacks - Why excactly would a frog "Dig 'em"? Because they're made from flies?

Honeycomb - Their mascot fucking scared me too.

Hot Wheels - Another toy crossovers, but the cereal just isn't the choking hazard of the metal cars.

Kix - It's Trix without the kidney failure.

Lucky Charms - Your gateway drug to midget porn.

Mini-Wheats - Because no one wanted to take a fork and knife to the Giant-Wheats for breakfast.

Mueslix - Official cereal of NPR.

Product 19 - George Orwell saw this coming.

Raisin Bran - Why they invented dental floss.

Rice Krispies - The last sound you want to deal with when you have a hangover.

Shredded Wheat - Trademarked before a band could use that name.

Special K - Trademarked before a rapper could use that name.

Trix - What mom turns to put breakfast on your table.

Wheaties - Like a giant baseball card... only with breakfast inside.


Copyright 2007 Alexplorer.
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