George says...

George Carlin and I share a simlar brand of amused cynicism.  We don't see the world in optimistic terms, but we're going to be amused by it anyway.

Someone else would look at the Middle East and think, "Gee, they should really work at trying to get along with one another.  That's terrible the way they fight."  George watches the news and thinks, "Look at them fight.  Boy, they sure are going to be pissed when they find out there's no god rooting for either side!"

The following are some of my favorite George Carlin quotes.

Isn't it interesting that only sex and excretion can be found legally obscene in this country?  Not violence, not neglect, not abuse of humans.  Only shitting and fucking; two of nature's most necessary functions and irresistible forces.  We're always trying to control and thwart nature, even in our language.  Fuck that shit!

We are all precancerous.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it.

Life is a zero sum game.

I wanna live, I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I used to be Irish Catholic now I'm an American, you know you grow.

Sometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many people are fucking.

Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but he loves you. And he needs money.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

If we don't like something in this country, we declare war on it; we don't do anything about it, we just declare war on it.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' to it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff. Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Who says life is sacred? God? Hey, if you read your history, God is one of the leading causes of death.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Whenever I see a large crowd, I always wonder what was the most disgusting thing any one of them did.

Copyright "cynicAle[x]... except the quotes, of course.
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