Alex's care and feeding
The following are excerpts from the
700+ page manual.
Under no circumstances can
Alex eat spicy food. There are no conditions under which it is okay
to do so (e.g., during a full moon, an election year, before midnight,
etc.). He simply cannot stand the stuff. He doesn't understand
what the rest of the word gets out of eating pure pain. Well, other
than gas, but that just deepens the mystery for him.
Should you happen
to have some food that you wish to offer him, stop and ask yourself, "In
order to accuractely describe this substance, do I have to include any
words between 'not' and 'spicy'?" Please do not bother if any of
the following qualifiers are required: "that," "really," "too," "very,"
etc. Alex realizes you won't understand, but thinks that if you're
going to try to feed him crap like this just because you like it, then
you really ought to just fuck off because he's not having any of it.
Instead of trying to destroy the C-fibers in Alex's tongue, please instead
consider feeding him sushi.
Keep Alex clear of electromagnetic
pulses as he is known to have multiple electronic devices on him at all
times. Any electromagnetic interference could conceivably mess up
what he's writing, scramble his latest candid pictures of Dani in an embarrassing
position, or screw up the bearings on the GPS... meaning he won't get home
in time to post said pictures with funny captions he just wrote.
Don't buy Alex presents.
Ever. Not for xmas, not for his birthday, and not for any other occassion,
real or imagined. He didn't get you anything. If you get him
anything, it won't be what he wants, and what he wants is too expensive
for you to get him anyway. Come to think of it, he doesn't want most
things he doesn't have.
Alex can only wear clothes
that are grey, white, or certain shades of blue or green. Alex has
an aversion to wearing all other colors. Don't expect him to wear
anything else. It's like asking him to wear a skirt. He just
isn't going to do it unless it's part of a Halloween costume, and even
then he would need a matching lightsaber.
Alex hates loud noises.
So shut your damned screaming baby up and put that obnoxious dog outside
while we're trying to have a conversation. Assholes on motorcycles
are courting death by pulling next to Alex at traffic lights when he has
his windows open (or just about any other time). Alex is not impressed.
Clearly you were the type to need a trade when you graduated, so Alex doesn't
know why you didn't take auto mechanics in high school so you could fix
your goddamned muffler today.
Don't ask Alex to take you
to the movies. If he can't fast-forward, he gets claustrophobic and
will start throwing over-priced popcorn at the kids a couple rows in front
of you. Don't even mention Mel Gibson movies around Alex as he believes
Mel is responsible for most of the wars in the world.
If, in spite or because of
these things, you think you could provide Alex with a good home, then please
call our adoption hotline now because Dani can't put up with much more
of his shit.