Belly buttons - I'm never going to pierce mine, so that leaves me with exactly zero uses for a belly button.
Body hair - Okay, eyelashes are useful. I have no idea what the rest of it is for.
Breasts - See? Kiera Knightley looks just fine without them.
Labia minora - Okay, I don't have a vagina, so maybe these are good for something other than creeping me out.
Male nipples - Two words: Plastic fruit.
Moles - What the fuck are these?
Noses - Odds are you only wear glasses to look emo or something. So what do you need a nose for?
Testicles - The only thing more useless than these is that damned bar across the center of guys' bikes that is conspicuously absent on girls'.
Toes - I'm in favor of just making feet longer and getting rid of toes entirely.
Uterine lining - Why does this stuff have an expiration date of ~28 days (or less if you substract the time required to re-stock).
>*Belly buttons - It's to remind you of the fact that your mother carried you for nine months and went through 37 hours of labor and you can never pick up the phone and call her?
Actually, I was a ceasarian. Just below her belly button, she has something even larger to remind her that she carried me for 9 months.
>*Body hair - Goosebumps.
Fortunately, you can't get pregnant from a piloerection.
>*Breasts - But.. but.. the squishies!
I like a small, firm pair. (I think you know who I'm talking about... besides Keira, I mean.)
>*Labia minora - Okay, these are part of the reason that the vagina is a "self-cleaning oven." Keep out nasties, help maintain the Ph balance.
Why can't this be accomplished with just the labia majora? They must have a good union not to have been declared redundant by natural selection.
>*Male nipples - Two words. Nipple clamps.
Two words: Owww, fuck!
>*Moles - Angel kisses. Didn't your mom teach you anything?
She taught me about angels, sure. And the Three Little Bears and the Tooth Fairy.
>*Noses - Oh, you mean besides the whole sense of smell thing that actually is pretty much your entire sense of taste, too?
You could still smell without the protuberance. The olfactory bulb is so far inside your head, it's practically behind your eyes. Obviously, we only have noses so we can't see someone's buggers without crouching in front of them and looking up.
>*Testicles - Guys need a vulnerable spot.
Mine is Keira Knightley.
>*Toes - It's for keeping you on your toes as you toe the line and then escape to tiptoe through the tulips. They also are good for tickling. And balance.
If you just extended the length of the foot, you could have feet that were easier to tiptoe (er, tipfoot?) on. And my toes aren't ticklish, just cold.
>*Uterine lining - Actually, it can have a much longer shelf life with depo shots or the birth control pill that lets you only have 4 periods a year. And, of course, it has a shelf life of about 9-10 months during pregnancy.
Why every woman between 18 and 50 aren't on Seasonale® is beyond me. Just think how much cotton the world could save!
>*Belly Buttons - What else would I pick lint out of while I'm watching a movie?
You don't. You pull stray hairs out of my eyebrows. (Speaking of which...)
>*Body Hair - To give us something to shave every damn day.
Why it is that what I lose in one place shows up in another?
>*Breasts - What else would men stare at while speaking to us?
I'm an ass-man. This is why I don't talk to women. I follow them around silently until they scream, "Stop following me!"
>*Labia Minora - There strictly for the purpose of creeping you out.
Here's 1,000 words on the subject:
>*Male Nipples - Someday science will discover a way to actually make them functional thereby curing the world of "Whipping it Out in Public" syndrome. Actually, it would pretty much bring breast feeding to a screeching halt.
Yeah, guys never whip out their liquid delivery systems...
>*Moles - Forget WHAT they are! Why in the hell do they multiply every damn year?!
To keep pace with the new body hair.
>*Noses - My mother has to have something to criticize about every human being. The nose is it for her. Without noses, my mother would die.
I think chicks with long noses are hot. Judy Greer is a goddess.
>*Testicles - Can't get tea bagged without 'em.
In my case, I can't without being a contortionist or the willingness to drive out to Oak Lawn.
>*Toes - Seeing as how I can spread all of my toes out like I have webbed feet, I find them very useful in freaking people out. It's a hobby.
This may be the sexiest thing you have written since you completed Algebra II.
>*Uterine Lining - I'm for biology phasing this out completey during the evolutionary process. One of my favorite sayings: "Don't trust anything that can bleed for five days and still live."
Well, we've gotten it down from ~5 days to ~3 with Loestrin®. The fact that it remains at all is merely the result of a compromise with the Republicans.
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