A memorium: What wouldn't Anna Nicole Smith put in her body?

Nope.  No Google ad here.  Because nipples.

As Anna Nicole Smith's body is autopsied in the coming days to determine what in it caused it to fail, I can't help but wonder just what hasn't been in her body in its 39 years on this earth.

In her teen years, Anna Nicole was a waitress at a fried chicken restaurant where she let a fry cook into her body and nine months later let a baby boy out of it.

This pregnancy predictably made Anna Nicole's breasts too floppy for her, and so she had implants put in her body to compensate and "accentuate" it beyond any recognizable female form.  These two things resulted in getting her several pictorials in Playboy magazine which ultimately served to attract a nearly-dead billionaire to marry her.  She put him in her body often enough to eventually kill him in the hopes of inheriting his fortune.

Unlike the breast implants, this scheme didn't pay off, and Anna Nicole turned to putting Twinkies in her body continuously for several years until she had built up a comfortable layer of insulation from distractions such as the attentions of all but black men with no self-esteem and reality show producers.

Since Anna Nicole's following decreased in inverse proportion to the ass that now followed her, she began to put the weight loss pill TrimSpa in her body in the hopes of shrinking it to dimensions that would again fit comfortably on a centerfold page or an invalid billionaire's lap.

These plans never materialized, however, as last year Anna Nicole announced that there was another child in her body.  The birth of this daughter last year led to claims that it wasn't her lawyer who was the father but rather some other guy she had been letting in her body.

Though too late to serve as a much-needed warning against procreating, Anna Nicole's son Daniel tragically revealed he had inherited his mother's tendencies and died from a mixture of Zoloft, Lexapro, and methadone in his own body.

A few short months later, Anna Nicole's heavily-trafficked body finally gave out.  After likely having doctors in it over the next few weeks to determine what chemicals in her body contributed to its collapse, formaldehyde will be poured into it and it will finally be laid to rest.

Anna Nicole is survived by a daughter of dubious paternity, at least three would-be baby daddies (at last count), several pending or on-going court cases, and a pair of implants that will outlast everything but cockroaches and the tabloids they work for.


When this was posted in my MySpace blog, I had a nasty comment (among others; also referenced) from my friend Jessica, which I repost here since I included it in the reply.

For the second time now you've managed to comment disproportionately in my blogs on a single thread narrower than any supermodel out of themes larger than Anna Nicole's legal woes.  The above piece highlighted monetary greed, gluttony, drug use, promiscuity, a distorted body image that made her believe implants would be an improvement, and studipity in far too many forms to itemize.  She was never a role model.  She was a caricature of a trophy bride like so many found in the affluent parts of your own neighborhood, only blown up to excessive proportions in more ways than the one you'll focus on here.

To respond to your specific charges...

>High traffic = ~5 sexual partners?  Maybe in the 1800s.
In case you missed the premise of the memorium as well as several supporting paragraphs within:  A lot has been through Anna Nicole's body, and I wasn't just talking about cock, although Amy, our resident Anna Nicole expert, leads me to believe that was probably the foundation of her dietary pyramid.

>It isn't low self esteem that causes some men, including black ones as you pointed out, to like big asses.
Her weight was only a small part of the package (if you'll pardon the paradoxical twist in that expression).  You know what she would be called if she were thin?  Courtney Love.  Would anyone with a shred of self-respect pursue that?:

>It is a preference to have something to smack, to squeeze, to grind, etc., that is big and soft rather than slender and bony.  Just as some guys like Anna-sized big fake boobs and you like little ones, you should acknowledge that there are people out there who like things that you don't who aren't wrong, just different.
You seem to be arguing that men should like natural women, and at the same time here you defend the attitudes of men who cannot appreciate normal-looking women and instead drive them to surgeries that have no health benefits, only risks and long-term consequences.  I like my women to look as real as I'm being here.

>Somehow you can be open-minded about gay men, even though you don't personally want to do it with a man, but you take personal offense and make strong racial generalizations about women who do not fit your personal standards of perfection- which fall on the other side of the spectrum to scrawny and small breasted.
After reading me for so long at this point, I would hope you know where hyperbole for comedic effect ends and political incorrectness begins.  However, if you want me to bring a racial generalization to the same effect into the mix here, I need only quote you.

>Will you have your wife's milk ducts removed or sell her to the highest bidding black man with no self esteem if she gets big boobs and gets chunky with pregnancy?  (No that wasn't a question about your fertility plans)  What if she had thyroid disease, would you laugh at her and head to Oak Cliff, auctioning her to again the highest bidding black man with no self esteem?
The fantasy that Anna Nicole's fame was at its peak when her weight was, is on par with the fantasy of selling chunky white women in Oak Cliff.  And if it isn't, can you give me an address?  Back in the real world, obviously I would want my partner to slim down and look as close as possible to the idealized form of Western civilization.  Though you try to canonize Anna Nicole for a non-traditional figure, even she went the weight-loss route... perhaps to excess in the end if that (and it almost certainly did) contributed to her death.

>Anna Nicole had a rough life and made some crazy decisions.
The former is debateable (That wasn't necessarily an invitation), but the latter is charitable at best.  "Stupid" would be a good base, then mix in heaping helpings of "greedy" with respect to both cash and fried chicken, and I think you have the recipe for the two-hour special presentation of the E! True Hollywood Story this would prepare.  Let simmer.  Serves millions.

>I still maintain she was a thousand times hotter than a woman with A-cups and no hips
You're entitled to like whomever you chose.  You go for those types who shoot for Type-2 diabetes.  Me?  I would advocate healthy living involving a sensible diet and exercise which, of course, can and should include lots and lots of sex with me.

>........and I have fairly delusionally high self esteem and I'm a white woman.
Would these be related to the same delusions that would make you spend two hours posting pictures of Anna Nicole (and cell phones... and black men on cell phones?!) to my comment section in a futile attempt to confuse me into masturbating to something besides my usual fare of Kate Moss-a-likes over a butch prison warden's knee?

I'll grant you that Anna Nicole was at times fat and a sex symbol.  But she was never a fat sex symbol.  That's an oxymoron, and they don't exist because they cancel themselves out.  Anna Nicole was merely a moron.  And she did the same.


Copyright 2007 Ale[x]umed.


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