couples. I'm not saying you have to be co-dependent and
color-coordinate on every other day of the year, but on Halloween, come
on! You've got a partner. Dress like you know one another
at least. Given how many options there are for couples costumes,
why would you go as a witch and he as a gorilla? Makes no
sense. See a counselor.
When boyfriends won't dress up.
a possible corollary of the above, but it's even
sadder. Not coordinating your costumes is one thing. When
the girlfriend trades out her dignity to go as a slutty [insert random
profession here] and the boyfriend can't do any better than the
baseball cap and jeans he wears every other day, that's just sad.
Ladies, I'll graciously extend the offer to be your revenge fuck
whether you're looking for an excuse for a breakup or a rebound from an
already-realized one. (Longer version of this rant here.)
The joke lasts only as long as it takes to get it, and if you've done
it right, that's not long. On the other hand, if you are too
obscure, no one will care. In fact, I don't in either case.
Masks. On me,
they're annoying. It's hot, I'm breathing in my own breath, and I
just can't see. On other people, it annoys me because I can't see
facial expression and (at parties and other get-togethers with friends)
I probably won't recognize you until you walk up to me and tell me who
you are. I'm okay with makeup and appliance prosthetics, but
full-face latex masks are just annoying.
Reruns. You think
you can get away with the same exact costume again, maybe the next year
or maybe even a few years down the line. Look, unless you've
moved to another state, we're going to remember.
lights. The official colors of Halloween are supposedly
black and orange, but that's only true for things made out of
construction paper. Blacklights are cool. Green is
creepy. So's purple. Strobes are fun. But
orange? No. They look like faded xmas lights, so could you
just wait a couple more months before you pull those out of the attic?
look good, but the stuff is just plain hard to work with. If you
don't take the time to do it right or just don't have a clue what
you're doing, then don't. Otherwise the result will look less
like you decorated than that you were pranked.
Autumn does not equal
Halloween. Halloween is about spirits, not harvests.
I like jack o'lanterns, not pumpkins. I want scares, not
scarecrows. Get with the program.
supernatural is one thing. Monsters are imaginary, so artists
are allowed free reign to run with their ideas. But body
Skeletons? Those are grounded in reality. I mean,
seriously. How fucking hard is it to pick up an anatomy book and
turn out a decent-looking skull for fuck's sake?!
line? How hard is it to say "Trick or treat"? I
realize that as traditions gain traction, sometimes their origins are
lost, but when kids don't even ask "Trick or treat?" before expectantly
opening their sacks for candy, we've lost something integral to the
put out decorations and then don't give out candy on the most
important night of the year, then you're a bully. That's just
what you are. You tease children. Just put a razor blade in
your own apple and die already.
Wait until dark.
Trick or Treating is about being a monster (or Batman, of course).
If you're doing it in the daylight, you're doing it wrong. Don't
come back until the sun goes down. I literally turn kids away if
they're too early, and I give
candy to EVERYONE!!!
houses. Needs no elaboration.
Rather than creeping you out with costumes that call on your more
visceral fears, haunted house "ghouls" resort to banging on plywood
walls and metal frying pans. This isn't a scare; it's just plain
painful, and that's a cheat. It's a crude play to bypass all the
senses you want stimulated and instead jump straight to your "fight or
flight" instincts without any tact or guile, and that's just bullshit.