I am a genius.
Consider the following…
The Who have a dead bass player (John Entwhistle) and a dead drummer (Keith Moon).
The Beatles have a dead guitarist (George Harrison) and a dead singer (John Lennon).
The Who are left with a living lead guitarist (Pete Townshend) and living lead singer (Roger Daltry).
The Beatles are left with a living bass player (Paul McCartney) and living drummer (Ringo Starr).
Why has no one proposed The Who-tles?!
I have a huge cock
Since Tracy* outs me to even almost complete strangers, I’m just going to preemptively out myself to everyone else:
Hi, everyone. I’m Alex, and I have a huge cock.
I guess most guys and even some girls wish they had a huge cock as well, at least on special occasions. Well, speaking from experience, having a huge cock isn’t a completely great thing, but I’m not going to complain about it (and neither has anyone else, if you catch my meaning). Specifically, some consequences of having a huge cock include:
I am awesome in bed without actually trying. Really, I can just phone it in. In fact, I could practically be flaccid and you would still be satisfied. Repeatedly.
I am always right. Most guys with an average-to-small penis are too distracted by being short-changed (so to speak) to really devote time to fact-checking or actually knowing everything. It is apparently an incredibly time-consuming thing to worry about ways to compensate for having a small penis, but that’s the one thing I wouldn’t know about.
I don’t care that I drive a ‘92 Civic. Guys who drive a Hummer want a hummer of a different kind. The dubious rationale here is that their excessive car will project onto any female’s perception of what’s between their legs. My little car is offset by the fact my reputation is almost as big as my cock. And speaking of hummers…
I am not fixated on blow jobs. Most guys like blow jobs for two reasons: 1) They certainly can’t please you sexually with their cock, so why bother? and 2) It can’t help but look bigger if it’s right in your face. Neither is really an issue for me, and I don’t want to give you TMJ trying give me a BJ.
I’m a lover not a boxer. Me wearing boxers instead of briefs is impractical for all the reasons why Dolly Parton would never wear a t-shirt instead of a bra. It isn’t an advanced engineering problem for you to figure out that I stick with briefs because I only know how to walk on two legs.
I don’t wear shorts. Have you wondered why you’ve never seen me in shorts? Elastic in briefs isn’t fool proof, and that’s doubly true if it’s brought to bear against a much heavier load than designers ever considered. You know, if it wasn’t for shrinkage, even my bathing suit wouldn’t be safe from wardrobe malfunctions.
Porn is funny to me. You know how girls typically find porn more funny than erotic? I have the same reaction, though likely for very different reasons entirely.
I am always happy. This is a corollary of the above, but not because I watch porn when I need a laugh. I’m always happy because if all else fails, I know they could use me in the movies now that Ron Jeremy has retired to reality tv.
I am immortalized in artwork. Granted, much of this is by amateurs with Sharpies in public toilets, but such is my legend that it inspires tributes of all kinds from people I’ve never even met.
I am very humble. I suppose if you didn’t know about the size of my cock, you might think I was a bit self-centered. The earth does not revolve around my cock (in spite of its great mass), but you probably should in one way or another. After all, relativity being what it is, my ego is nothing compared to my cock.
*Disclaimer: Tracy has never seen my cock and will be the first to tell you she doesn’t want to. I think it’s because I’m way too old for her (read: cougar). The rest of you, get in line.
‘Gilligan’s’ Mary Ann caught with dope
AP 3/11/2008
[My comments in bold, as always.]
DRIGGS, Idaho - Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on “Gilligan’s Island,” is serving six months’ unsupervised probation after allegedly being caught with marijuana in her car. [The dope this time wasn't Gilligan, so keep your snide comments to yourself, Skipper.]
She was sentenced Feb. 29 to five days in jail, fined $410.50 and placed on probation after pleading guilty to one count of reckless driving. [In an interview at the time of her incarceration, Mary Ann said that while the fines and legal fees were covered by her generous millionaire friend Thurston, the conditions of her incarceration included "not a single luxury... Like Robinson Crusoe, it's primitive as can be."]
Under a plea agreement, three misdemeanor counts — driving under the influence, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of a controlled substance — were dropped. [This was due in large measure by the Professor's expert testimony in which he cast doubt on the singularly illicit purpose of these items, demonstrating that, together with a conch shell and a palm frond, they could be fashioned into a shortwave radio.]
On Oct. 18, Teton County sheriff’s Deputy Joseph Gutierrez arrested Wells as she was driving home from a surprise birthday party that was held for her. According to the sheriff’s office report, Gutierrez pulled Wells over after noticing her swerve and repeatedly speed up and slow down. When Gutierrez asked about a marijuana smell, Wells said she’d just given a ride to three hitchhikers and had dropped them off when they began smoking something. Gutierrez found half-smoked joints and two small cases used to store marijuana. ["Castaways," she described them.]
The 69-year-old Wells, founder of the Idaho Film and Television Institute and organizer of the region’s annual family movie festival called the Spud Fest, then failed a sobriety test. [In her defense, she was attempting to gain favor with the officer by imitating the graceful gait of her movie star friend, Ginger. Unfortunately, being a simple farm girl, she hadn't yet gotten the hang of heels.]
Wells’ lawyer, Ron Swafford, said that a friend of Wells’ testified that he’d left a small amount of marijuana in the vehicle after using it that day, and that Wells was unaware of it. Swafford also said several witnesses were prepared to testify that Wells had very little to drink at the party and was not intoxicated when she left. He said she was swerving on the road because she was trying to find the heater controls in her new car. [Ironically, the swerving of a different, similarly incompently-captained vehicle is what caused her to be trapped with a different handful of hapless individuals some years earlier.]
The unAlexploited version of this article originally appeared here:
http://www.yahoo.com/s/829202
