This week’s evidence the Japanese are hornily insane
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A priest walks into an Igloo…
Eskimo: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?”
Priest: “No, not if you did not know.”
Eskimo: “Then why did you tell me?”
-Annie Dillard.
(Thanks be to Katie for sharing.)
I’m moving to California.
Yes, I’m back in Texas now, but I don’t know for how long. Why am I moving? Okay, invent an imaginary state with everything I want in it, and you’d basically be describing California, otherwise known as an imaginary state. Or more specifically:
<b>Wherever else you are, it’s still early in California.</b> They get to sleep in while the rest of the country gets everything up and running. By the time morning arrives on the west coast, there’s enough that’s happened everywhere else to make the newspaper worth reading for more than the ads for escort services. The plane ride out there felt like three hours, but when I got out of the airport, it turned out only an hour had passed! The one on the way back took five hours. Unbelievable, I know. Next time I go out there, fuck it. I’m not coming back!
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_hollywood.jpg”>
<b>I’m Goldilocks.</b> You know how much I hate cold? You know how much I hate hot weather? I’m miserable all year round in Texas. According to all the tourist guides, the temperature in Long Beach 24/7/365 = 73.6 F. I think it’s about a tenth of a degree cooler when there’s a breeze, but I already own a jacket, so I think I’ll survive.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_beach.jpg”>
<b>I hate rain.</b> Well, except for the fact that it’s the only thing that keeps my electric bills closer to the black than the national debt. In California, it never rains. In fact, the weather is so nice, they don’t care about shade. Shade is just an impediment to working on their tans. Everything from oaks to cactus grows here, but what do they plant instead? The tallest, skinniest botanical analog of anorexia: Palm trees.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_palms.jpg”>
<b>Gay marriage.</b> I think the above comments on the weather sufficiently outline my aversion to Massachusetts (in addition to the fact it’s too hard to spell), so I’m not about to move there. Admittedly, I’m not sure why I care about this issue. I realize the ability for gay people I’ve never met to marry one another shouldn’t affect me any more than the Midwestern rednecks who aren’t affected by the same thing (and yet are disturbed to distraction by the thought of post-nuptial scrotum slapping against hairy ass), but it’d be a lot less angst on my mind. I hadn’t visited Cali before the ban was lifted to make an objective comparison, but I’m going to assume that’d why everyone was so happy while I was there. Or maybe it was the weather. Or the beaches. Or the “medical” marijuana.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_gay-parade.jpg”>
<b>The hills are alive with the sound of mylar wings.</b> You know how hard it is to try hang gliding in the majority of Texas? There’s nothing taller than levees in the DFW area, so there’s no way to get up in the air without someone powered towing you. In California, there’s always something worth jumping off of within driving distance of anywhere flatter than Paris Hilton.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_mountains.jpg”>
<b>What’s my favorite food again? Oh, yeah. Sushi.</b> Maybe it’s because ninjas can hide in plain sight, but I didn’t see enough Japanese people there to justify an ethnic demand for the stuff, so apparently everyone here shares my tastes in this regard. Virtually every street corner has a small sushi restaurant. In fact, whenever I got in the mood for some, I didn’t bother with the GPS. I just looked for the nearest street light because odds were Democratic electoral votes-to-one that I’d find a sushi place and probably a second one catty corner to it.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_sushi.jpg”>
<b>Hippy chicks and surfer girls.</b> I used to love goth girls, but these are my new obsessions. It’s like they never even made it to the ’80s. The novelty of birth control hasn’t worn off for them yet. Granted, I’m an ass guy, and those flowey skirts really don’t show off the curves I’m most interested in, but the little-titty girls make up for it by proudly displaying the bony sternum canvases they’ve spent months giving over to their favorite tattoo parlor artists. And the surfer girls don’t wear much of anything at all, obviously.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_surf.jpg”>
<b>The primary modes of transportation in California are (in increasing order of popularity): Yellow Corvettes, skateboards, and hybrid cars.</b> I saw more of the latter in three days than I’ve seen in Texas in six months. I think they passed some legislation that you can get one in exchange for cereal boxtops or something. If you’re likely to skip breakfast, odds are you’ll have to settle for the skateboard. You can tell which types those are because they’re the folks who look like they didn’t get up until noon anyway.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_skater.jpg”>
<b>It’s always Halloween.</b> Everywhere else in the world I have to wait for that one special day to come around. Out here there’s always someone dressed up… or in some state of undress. I don’t think anyone is even paying these people to show up; they’re just costumed for the fun of it, whether you’re talking about on the Sunset Strip or Venice Beach or, well, pretty much anywhere and everywhere.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_sunset-strip.jpg”>
<b>Dominique lives here.</b> It took me almost a decade to go out and see her again, and that’s bordering on my threshold for writing a Time-Travel episode about her. Granted, I’ll miss the rest of you when I move, but if you come out and visit, odds are pretty good you’ll stay too.
<img src=”http://alexplorer.net/humor/cali/CA_dom.jpg”>
This week’s evidence the Japanese are happily insane
…and who find this a relaxing alternative to a commute on the Tokyo subway.
This week’s evidence the Japanese are happily insane
Another Ten Grammar Annoyances
Starting sentences with “I think.” Okay, we get it already, Decartes. But unless you’re offering an opinion formed of pure speculation, don’t begin EVERY FUCKING SENTENCE with “I think” because you probably don’t very often or at least very fast. I think you’re just buying time until you can. But that’s just my opinion.
Who vs. that. Whenever anyone uses “that” in reference to a person, I’m always unsure if they’re dealing with a non-living entity, like maybe I didn’t get the newsletter about that individual having an operation to turn into a vampire or a robot of whatever’s the rage these days. “That” should apply only to objects or people who use “that” instead of “who” and therefore have the IQ of an inanimate object.
Then vs. than. Why is this so hard to puzzle out?
Prepositions used in conjunction with abstractions. This doesn’t bother me so much with English, but once you try to translate anything either to or from (<-- those are prepositions, btw), the choice for which preposition is no longer obvious. Why is it (in English anyway) you're "at" the store but "in" your house? We say we're "from" the United States but "of" [insert ethnicity] decent. When you try to figure this shit out, you're fucked in/up the ass.
Grooving with “picts.” I abbreviate “picture” all the time as “pic,” but who are these numbskulls who go around talking about commenting on their “picts”? Apparently they’re ancient Scottish. I’d like to shoot them with something other than a camera.
Thought through though. When morons type one, a different one always comes out as through they had though something completely different.
“Which” is “that”? Conversely, while I have a solid understanding of the difference between “who” vs. “that,” I don’t have a clue what the difference is between “which” and “that.”
Random capitalizers. Worse even than those who adopt the “no-Shift key” policy are those who randomly capitalize Words. I spend all my time trying to puzzle out the secret message that these letters deliver in anagram form, but I don’t have a clue. Or maybe I’m not the one lacking the clue; it’s the authors of these cut-and-paste ransom notes.
Ditzy blondes. Another one I don’t get is the use of the word “dizzy.” If you’re dizzy, you may be disoriented to the point you’re going to puke. That makes sense, but that isn’t what you mean. You mean “ditzy” as in completely stupid or the type of person who would describe someone as a “dizzy blond.” You make me want to puke.
When worse comes to worst. Look, if you haven’t grasped them yet, I don’t know how to explain superlatives to you at this point. If it was “worse comes to worse,” it wouldn’t be any worse than it was before, so there’s nothing to comment on. And if you’re writing/saying shit like that, then it’s too late. The worst has fucking arrived.
A better mousetrap
Here. You like these. Give this one a try.
1. Why are you doing this survey?
2. Do you think people really get to know you through these things?
3. Or are you trying to learn something about yourself?
4. Isn’t this a superficial way to go about discovering/revealing who you are?
5. Aren’t you a deeper person than stating your favorite flavor of ice cream/the last time you threw up/whether you still talk to your ex/etc. would indicate?
6. What’s the message you’re sending out implicitly?
7. Why is it you respond to surveys full of potential writing prompts with the verbal skills of an inarticulate teenager forced to have a sit-down dinner with his parents for a change?
8. Just because you’re going to share it publicly, does that mean you don’t want to be introspective?
9. Or is it that you can’t be introspective? Which is it?
10. Is this an attempt to avoid addressing real questions about yourself, the kind you should be asking?
11. Can you only answer easy ones, the kind you already know the answers to?
12. Have you ever allowed yourself to think more deeply about survey questions than the teenagers who came up with them did?
13. Why don’t you do that next time?
14. When you get to a Yes/No question, why is it you stop with a simple affirmative or negative?
15. Why don’t you imagine there’s a “why?” at the end of questions like that?
16. Wouldn’t it be more interesting if you answered most questions as though there was one?
17. Isn’t your subjective experience more telling about you than the dry, outwardly-expressed details of your preferences and history?
18. Or are your one-word responses all you really have to say?
19. If so, why waste your time answering those questions at all?
20. If not, why waste our time with incomplete and insubstantial responses?
People I hate…
…just for starters.
People who make hand gestures while talking on a Bluetooth. It’s bad enough that I can’t tell if you’re on a cell phone or having schizo moment right out of Fight Club, but when you’re gesticulating and speaking in the general direction of NOBODY’S THERE, I’m going to assume the latter and avoid the fucking fuck out of you.
People who jump up and stand in the aisle the moment the plane comes to a halt at the gate. And then they stand there. Hey, jackass, you aren’t going anywhere. We’re twenty rows back. It takes you all of two seconds to get your bag from overhead. What’s your hurry to go absolutely no fucking where? Have a seat and find something to do. You telling me someone as bright as you finished this whole issue of Skymall already?
People who work at Wal-mart. This would take more time to go into than they’ve wasted of mine.
People (guys, actually) who throw/spit gum in urinals. Are you too fucking stupid to see it won’t fit through the screen? How do you think it gets out of there? Yeah, by the hand of a janitor who would very much like to return it to its asshole owner’s mouth in its urine-soaked state.
People (girls, actually… and it’s always girls; let’s not pretend) who can’t talk about sex without getting freaked out. They’re still in sixth grade. To them sex is icky. Sex is dirty. Why won’t everyone leave them alone with this awful “sex” business?! They’d happily sew their snatch shut if it meant they didn’t have to think about the subject again. I don’t know if they came from the factory with these defects or whether it’s the product of an upbringing featuring some combination of religion and/or more physical varities of molestation, but please stay the fuck out of our lives so we don’t have to tip-toe through conversations with you.
People who say the word “nuclear” with three syllables. You should be exposed to radiation in the vicinity of your gonads.
People who stop walking when they get to the escalator. Hey, idiots, pretend it’s stairs with a bonus. Because that’s what it is. Or if you are going to downshift to ABSOLUTE LAZY, then how about you GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY?!
People who don’t get back to you when you ask someone something directly in an email. I know I’m sarcastic sometimes and maybe rhetorical occasionally, but if a sentence ends with a question mark and it’s directed to you, I’m probably curious about something and would appreciate your answer.
People who make a veer right just to turn left. What the fuck is wrong with them? It’s a Toyota, not a school bus. If your turning radius is really that broad, that piece of shit you’re driving ought to be taken off the road.
People who call you back when they see you’ve left a message… that they never fucking bothered to listen to. The message is right there. You want to know what it says? It says you don’t need to fucking call me. It says if you call me, you’ll fucking wake the baby, ruin the surprise party, etc. Just listen to the goddamned message before you call wasting my fucking time. Why are you making me tell you the same fucking thing twice, fuckwad?
Stuff I Hate…
Individually wrapped candies. They’re single-serving one-way tickets to Type 2 diabetes shrouded in bite-sized bits of pollution. Besides, I want immediate gratification. I don’t want to fool around with this much cellophane for one piece of candy at a time. Give me Skittles or Reeces Pieces any day of the week.
Trucks. Sure, I’m always happy to have a friend who will lend me his when I have issues with moving or getting new furniture, but why would you buy a truck? Gas too cheap for you to drive a vehicle that gets decent mileage?
Sunglasses. I can’t read your expression, and if you surprise me wearing them I won’t even know who the fuck you are. It isn’t that bright and you aren’t that cool. Take them the fuck off.
The sun. It’s too hot when it’s up, then it’s always too low in the sky for most of the day, so it gets in my eyes. I hate sunglasses on other people, so I don’t wear them myself. Why can’t it just stay night all the time like it is when I’m awake?
Hugs. I’m not Howard Hughs, but I’m just not a touchy-feely person. I don’t initiate hugs or even handshakes. Sorry. Really, I don’t hate you or think you’re covered with germs (though you are, really). I just hate hugs.
The sound of women peeing. When a guy takes a leak, it just sounds like running water to me, and that’s no big deal. When a girl goes, it sounds like an ass on a toilet, and that’s just gross.
The sound of my neighbor’s dog. The neighbors are okay, but their dog is a fucking idiot. You know these dogs that bark at EVERYTHING? That’s this dog. They’ve lived there for six months or more, but every time the mail-lady walks by, he barks like a fucking idiot. Every time I go in my back yard (which is often because we have dogs of our own who need to be let out), he barks like a fucking idiot. And it isn’t just a bark-bark-bark; it’s a panicked succession of syllables strung so closely together that it’s almost a cross between a howl and a scream from a fucking idiot dog.
Apples. The fruit. I don’t especially like the computers either though.
Hotel showers. In addition to many of them being unnecessarily confusing (e.g., why only *one* knob/lever/whatever for both hot and cold? Okay, only at the ones that are more than $30 a night, obviously), the thing I hate most is there’s no way to predict how many geometric degrees of rotation are equivalent to how many degrees Fahrenheit. You barely touch it and the temperature goes from tepid to scalding. Once you factor the emergency room bill in, that vacation was no bargain after all.
Doctors office forms that ask for your DOB and your age. Do the fucking math, you fucking morons! I seriously cannot trust you jackasses with my bill or anything involving prescriptions if you cannot carry the one and figure out how old I am.
2girls, 1finger, and some more reaction videos
Remember that 2Girls1Cup video? Apparently there’s something worse… judging by these reactions.
“So there went my dinner…”
The return of Kevin and Ronald
Meet Bruno
Two different chicks watching two different chicks
“This isn’t shit, Blaine; this is throwup.”
Share any you find that are on par with these.
